Thoughts on gravestones and "sterilizing" cat collar for burial?

[Andrepartthree]

Hi guys brand new to the forum.. and I'd like to start out by offering my sympathy to each and every one of you posting here .. as odd as this sounds thank you just for the fact that you're posting.. when I see so many threads of people struggling with their own grief and pain it's a clear reminder that we're not alone and this is happening world-wide to more people than can possibly be counted.

Our story is probably a familiar one to a lot of people here... Pebble went missing for two days (this past Monday to Wednesday) .. then our worst fears were confirmed when on Wednesday we got a call from someone who had been kind enough to remove his collar (which had a nametag with our phone number on it) from his corpse.. he found the half of Pebble (please forgive me for being graphic) that wasn't eaten in the pond behind the caller's house. To say that we're all struggling with this as a family would be the understatement of the year. We found the little guy (Pebble) lost and alone as a one month old kitten crying on the street close to our house two years ago and the vet we took him to assured us that with all of Pebble's internal parasites his dad simply was not able to care for him properly and Pebble would have died if we hadn't taken him in so I hope this justifies the kitten-kidnapping some might feel that we committed (never saw his mom but I think his dad gets "cat dad of the year " for an award - he would stop by our house for food and to check on his son - we did our best to care for the dad but while the dad accepted food there was a limit to what we could do since he wouldn't let us touch him... the dad eventually stopped eating and when we tried to capture him to bring him to a vet he ran off never to be seen again). Pebble was with us for almost two years.

I've read the sticky note titled thoughts for grieving cat lovers and.. thanks so much for that to the moderator and to everyone who posted the content in that thread it helps a lot reading that.... I'm aware that the grief starts to fade as the months and years go by and we're very fortunate in that Pebble's buddy Cinnamon, the first cat we adopted (though in her case she was from an animal rescue shelter) is still with us alive and well (doing our best to comfort her too)

I'm going to have to double check with the person who called us to say what had happened... I admit going from two days of panic and worry to being numb with shock on day two when he gave me the bad news left me not 100 percent certain of what he said.. but when I numbly offered to retrieve Pebble's body he gave the opinion that I was welcome to come but he didn't see much point, the half remaining (again sorry for being so graphic, it's killing me just to type these words but I don't want my first forum post to imply we didn't care enough to come get our beloved Pebble's body) being so picked over by birds as he watched (we live in Florida, USA so .. sadly.. .lots of wildlife which means more cat-predators in general) that he really didn't think there would be much left to bury .. and I'm ashamed to say I took him up on his offer, mainly because it will absolutely kill me if I show up and see what remains of the corpse.. the caller, who is a pretty awesome guy I can tell, kindly left Pebble's collar on his porch for me to pick up since the caller was going off to work that night and I broke down when I picked up the collar... but carried it home so I would have something to bury in the backyard.

I'm wondering if anyone can offer any advice regarding the following:

- not being in a condition to exercise the best judgment I put Pebble's collar in a zip lock bag in case there were any germs on it ... which was a mistake the collar now clearly has the smell of decay from his body (broke down again when I discovered that).. I'm soaking the collar in rubbing alcohol right now but.. has anyone had any experience with removing smells of this sort from a collar? I really can't bear the thought of burying Pebble's collar with the smell of his body still on it, it just seems.. disrespectful.

- normally I wouldn't hesitate to buy a gravestone for Pebble so please I hope don't come across as trying to be "cheap" but.. I'd really prefer for it to be as personalized as possible as far as the message I'd like to have on it which basically means a do it yourself project even though I'm terrible at that sort of thing... my thoughts are a flat large stone from Home Depot (not sure how much detail I can go into here since I'm sure there are rules against posting something available for sale lest it be construed as trying to sell stuff on the website) ... there's one made of sandstone called " MSI Rustic Canyon Natural Sandstone Step Stone " .. I'm thinking of painting a final message to Pebble from our family, having each family member sign their name in paint, and then sealing it with home depot's " Olympic WaterGuard 11 oz. Clear Multisurface Waterproofer Spray " (sorry that I keep mentioning Home Depot but it's close to me and .. I'm not sure I trust myself to drive too far away from home at this point). Has anyone done a "do it yourself gravestone" using paint and sealer? I'm pretty bad with crafts and handiwork so I definitely don't want to try anything "advanced" like carving something into the stone... the end result won't be that pretty I'm sure but... I think Pebble would appreciate more the fact that we made it with our own hands as opposed to buying something pre-made.

Attached some pictures of our little guy from kitten-hood when he first arrived to a few months old to more recent pictures... thanks to anyone who reads this and replies and again, to everyone else posting here I am so sorry for your loss, believe me when I say that even though I may not know exactly what you're going through our family has at least some slight inkling of what you're feeling (doing my best to be the strong dad/husband for my wife and two kids).

 

[FeebysOwner]

I am so sorry for the loss of Pebbles. RIP little one. I have absolutely no advice for you whatsoever. I just wanted to let you know you are 'heard'. Other members may come along and offer their input, but in the end, I know - based on your post - you will be able to figure out what is best for Pebbles and you and your family. And, thank you for the pictures of Pebbles!

 

[kissthisangel]

I'm so sorry for your loss and the way in which he was taken. The guy was probably right, better not to see the end result. You want to find closure in burying Pebble's collar and that's understandable. Soak the collar in a salt water solution for a day or so and then dry it out, this will kill all the germs but it may well alter the color of the collar. Do you have a s mall tin that you could paste on pictures of Pebble, then place the collar inside? Then you can bury that even with messages inside from family members if it feels appropriate. If you're making a headstone, you can use acrylic paint for lettering and then a spray varnish to seal it, or perhaps a stencil and a sharpie, then spray varnish it if your message is a few words. If you don't feel up to doing that sort of project, perhaps getting a large pretty stone and a small wooden cross would be a sufficient marker

 

[Willowy]

So sorry for your loss. What a shock, but possibly better than never having closure.

If you don't want a DIY project, personalized pet grave markers are easy to find nowadays and not terribly expensive:

Amazon.com : personalized pet grave markers

Maybe properly diluted (10:1 usually) bleach would get the odor out without fading the color too much.

 

[CatLover49]

Im so very sorry for your loss
RIP Sweet Precious Pebble

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Pebbles, dream you deep. You walk in your family's hearts forever.

I especially like kissthisangel 's idea of a small tin, with possible messages from family members inside. That's a rather lovely thought. But make no mistake, Pebble, in That Place Where All Things Are Known, is very aware of how much he was, is, and always will be loved. Do what will bring the most comfort to your family.

And no, you definitely did not break any rules by mentioning a product or store. As you can see from the replies above, we often give people links who are looking for a product or very specific information.

 

[Andrepartthree]

Thank you all so much.. and wow all these replies in just under one hour since posting? I can tell this is a very loving community and we (my family and I) really appreciate it and all these beautifully worded replies thank you so much ... kissthisangel that was some really useful advice thanks so much for that ! I was thinking of a small wooden box but that's an even better idea I just need to look for somewhere to find a tin of the right size for photos too ... Willowy thanks for the amazon link .. I actually looked those over I guess I was just looking for my own "write what I want" kind of thing whereupon the ones with the good reviews tend to be limited to mostly something pre-written but I appreciate you looking into it and posting the link ... I may end up doing the amazon gravestone if I can't just bring myself to do the do-it-yourself-gravestone so I appreciate that ...

 

[di and bob]

I think a stone with messages in marker and then sprayed over with a protectant would be most appropriate. if you can't bring yourself to do it now, the one year anniversary would be good too. I think the small tin is a wonderful idea too.
The 'essence' of Pebbles, the spirit that made him who he was, is no longer in that little physical body. it, like the love that you and your family shared with him, will be with you for eternity because you all share a bond that can never be broken. The bond of love that two souls share. He will be forever as close as your thoughts and prayers. "Death cannot take that which never dies".......
I know it's almost impossible in these early days, but try to concentrate on his life, how wonderful it was to share it for a while, that he shared your life's journey for a while. Do not dwell on his end, it does nothing but bring heartache. Do not make his death more important than his life, that can never be.
There is absolutely nothing that can be done to change the past, but you can form the future by living and learning in the present. Try to live each day as a way to seek happiness and joy in living. It can be as simple as taking a walk in nature or comforting someone else who is hurting and making them feel a little lighter. Make a small donation to your local shelter in Pebble's name, knowing you are bringing happiness in the way of shelter and food to another little one who needs it so very much. Go into the future as you would have wanted Pebbles to go if you were the first to go. Not living in sadness and grief, but living each day as if it was your last, living each and every minute in happiness and love. It will bring him joy to know he left you a legacy of love, that because he is living on through your love, through you now, you will send him thoughts of love and thankfulness.
My heart goes out to you. I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. Pebbles lived his life as he wanted, and you brought to it the most important part, a place to call his home and someone to love him. He will be in peace because of that, you did well.......RIP dear Pebbles. You will be dearly missed, you will forever have secure places in loving hearts. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you live again!

 

[betsygee]

I'm so sorry, what an awful shock for you.

I've had the sad opportunity to order a few pet memorial stones in the past. I always get them from here: Pet Memorial Engraved Stones & Rocks

It's a small company and it's taking a bit longer to get the stones now because they were shut down because of COVID for awhile. But I appreciate their detailed work and they're kind people, so I thought it was worth the wait.

Rest in peace now, little Pebble.

 

[Andrepartthree]

di and bob and betsygee thank you both so much ... di and bob that is some incredibly helpful and comforting advice regarding dealing with the grief, it's something you keep telling yourself but it's really nice to hear someone else say it too, it reinforces it when you're not thinking clearly so thanks for that ... thanks for the prayers, we're a religious family ourselves too (though I know this is a tricky subject to speak about it goes without saying we absolutely respect other people's religious beliefs even if they're different from our own )... we're Muslim but if someone gets to know the religion enough I think they would be surprised at how strongly it overlaps Christian beliefs... worship a higher power, one should pray, the power of prayer, do good deeds not bad, take the higher road/path, and most importantly there's a reason for everything that happens even if we can't see it at the time. I can't really say anything about Jewish or Wiccan or Hindu or Buddhist faith only because I don't know enough about it to properly make any commentary but I think we all automatically have a certain amount of understanding of the Christian faith (well in the Western countries anyways not sure if there's anyone here posting from a different country? Don't want to leave anybody out) simply from being exposed to it if nothing else through TV shows, movies, books .. that and I went to a Christian school grades one through four which taught me a certain amount.

(off topic here but this is an explanation I give every time I bring up our faith... we are NOT fans of the so-called "Muslims" (in our opinion they either have no understanding of the Muslim faith or have warped and twisted it into some horrific version that doesn't match what it's supposed to be at all ) who engage in terrorist activity... we actually really, REALLY dislike terrorists not only because of how they're twisting and perverting our faith but also because they make life difficult for the "real" Muslims who would never want to be associated with any such activity )

 

[Mamanyt1953]

I am very familiar with Islam, and know that EVERY religion attracts a few "crazy fringe members." And yes, it seems that's all we hear about. But most of us know the difference, and that the "crazy fringe" is a TINY minority. You are very welcome here.

 

[Andrepartthree]

I am very familiar with Islam, and know that EVERY religion attracts a few "crazy fringe members." And yes, it seems that's all we hear about. But most of us know the difference, and that the "crazy fringe" is a TINY minority. You are very welcome here.

Thanks Mamanyt1953 I really appreciate you saying that .... to be honest I do feel like I have to explain it "just in case" every time I mention it due to all the negative portrayals of Islam like you said ....but it's true I can already tell the people here are intelligent, thoughtful and caring ..

 

[Andrepartthree]

Well a little update in case this helps anyone who's in a similar situation (though I understand it might be kind of a rare one) ...where you have the collar but there's the odor of ... gosh this is still hard to say... the odor of death from your beloved feline's decaying body on the collar.. I ended up leaving it soaked in rubbing alcohol for three days straight fervently hoping that the collar would still look the same and.. I was so grateful when it did look the same, it's a leather collar with white paint on it I think (white to match Pebble's fur at the time he was still with us)...and even the engraved metal tags on it still have the writing on them without any fading to the writing... the goal was to preserve all we have of Pebble (the collar) as much as we possibly can while at the same time removing the odor only because.. well ideally speaking (though I know this isn't always possible) if you can remove the odor... I guess it just feels like it gives this little member of your family more dignity when you bury the collar.

I went to TJ Maxx hoping to find a metal tin.. oddly no metal tins to be found but I found a really nice looking box made of stone which fits since his name was Pebble which his collar will fit into... I think I can fit some wallet size pictures of Pebble I can print in there too then rubber-band the box together closed ... and some stone white coasters (Pebble was white colored) saying "love is simple" on one side, if I can successfully scrap the felt black square off the other side and clean it off I'm hoping to glue pictures of Pebble to the other sides and then hit the picture with a varnish spray... I was hoping for something that looked nice because I felt that was what Pebble deserved... as a form of therapy I'm writing a story for my family , what if Pebble returned as what most people would consider to be a ghost, gave us all a final goodbye message and left, will print that out and burn it onto a CD as a word document too.. add in his food bowl (he loved his food) , put it all in an oversized ziplock bag (which sucks, not elegant at all and I feel like Pebble deserves better than that but I'd like it all collected together as a "group") and then bury that in our backyard, that's the plan (still working on that story though which I have to finish before I can bury it all together as a group).

Ran into a wall though with my wife as far as the gravestone, her response was " Absolutely not, this hurts too much and I do NOT want to have a fresh wound ripped into me every time I go into the backyard and see that gravestone." ... but it's been less than a week since we found out what happened to Pebble so it's still very fresh and raw for us all... so I'll try again with my wife a month from now , then a few months from now, then a year from now if I have to and if even then she says "No" I have to respect that so she's not dying inside every time she sees the gravestone.. though I really hope she'll agree eventually, it would really help the kids and myself with a sense of closure... to be clear she loved the little guy as much as we did and as far as she's concerned she's mourning the loss of a child (I feel that way too but still would very much like to have a gravestone , but I understand where my wife is coming from too )

Does anyone have any advice as far as how to deal with the guilt of leaving Pebble's body there with the birds and other animals picking away at it? The person who's property it took place on discouraged me (as I mentioned in my first post at the start of this thread) not because he minds me being on his property but rather because he feels there just isn't that much left to bury but he says he'll direct me to what's left of Pebble if I want... I break down crying every time I pick up Pebble's collar (checked on it a few times to make sure it still looked the same despite the rubbing alcohol treatment) so I know if I see his body (especially in the condition it's in) it's going to break me a million times over ... but I feel so terribly guilty that I just left him there ... I absolutely appreciate kissthisangel saying " The guy was probably right, better not to see the end result." ... and di and bob I really appreciate what you had to say " The 'essence' of Pebbles, the spirit that made him who he was, is no longer in that little physical body. it, like the love that you and your family shared with him, will be with you for eternity because you all share a bond that can never be broken. " But I'm still feeling like I'm abandoning our furry love in the worst possible way by just leaving what's left of him there.

(for anyone reading this wondering " How is it he has the collar but is dying at the thought of seeing Pebble's remains?" .. the man who came across Pebble and so kindly called us to let us know what had happened removed the collar from Pebble and left it on his front porch for me to pick up ... totally unrelated but he got a thank you card expressing how grateful we were for that and I included a picture of Pebble in the card ... the one above where he's in the Christmas tree as a 3 month old baby.. left the card on his doorstep at night and slunk off like a coward couldn't bear the thought of speaking to him, too painful)...

 

[betsygee]

We had our kitty's memorial stone sitting in the kitchen for months, because it was too painful for my spouse to see it in the memorial garden with the other kitties' stones. It was just too final for him. Just a couple of weeks ago, he was ready to move it outside but it's still not in the memorial garden with the rest of our deceased kitties. At some point, he'll be ready to finally lay him to rest with the others. It's okay--some good-byes take longer than others.

 

[kissthisangel]

I think then, you should go alone, if you feel you need to see Pebble's remains. There's nothing wrong with that, everyone grieves differently.

 

[Andrepartthree]

Thanks so much betsygee and kissthisangel .. but my apologies I probably didn't explain it properly ... I know for a fact I won't even be able to bring myself to go see his remains let alone collect what's left and bring it home for a burial... seeing the half of him that's left and then seeing that half picked apart by birds..

I guess put it this way and sorry to be so gruesome but I think this is the only way I can clearly explain it (that and this is the same scene that keeps playing in my mind on and off throughout the day).... much as I hate to bring up any parent's worst nightmare (though it's true your cat meeting a violent end is still your worst nightmare come true because they're your child too ) let's say your (human) son or daughter dies horrifically, torn in half, one half is missing completely who knows where it is, birds busily eating the half that remains, the stench of decay and decomposition, and this is all described over the phone to you by a sympathetic caller who found the body after you spent two days worrying where your vanished child had disappeared to (not that the caller was trying to be sadistic the caller - who owns a dog himself - was , I think, gently trying to persuade me that it was best not to go down there)... by the time you get to the remains what you see is a nightmare that's going to be etched on your brain forever... so I know for a fact I won't be able to bring myself to go over there and see his remains let alone pick them up and bring them home..

But then there's that tremendous sense of guilt that I SHOULD go over there and collect what's left because I just left my little furball's body (what's left of it, probably not much by now) lying there... there's so much wildlife here in Florida that there will be nothing left, at all, whatsoever of his remains given enough time this I know (and the house where it happened, the property owner has gently explained to me he's fine with it just staying there and letting nature take care of the remains)... just trying to find a way to deal with the guilt that I'm just... leaving him there.

And I guess that's what I'm wondering.. if there's anyone else here in the forum who's been there too.. just couldn't bring yourself to pick up the remains of the feline member of your family after a particularly gruesome death you couldn't bear to see the results of... and if so how they dealt with it.

 

[Andrepartthree]

We had our kitty's memorial stone sitting in the kitchen for months, because it was too painful for my spouse to see it in the memorial garden with the other kitties' stones. It was just too final for him. Just a couple of weeks ago, he was ready to move it outside but it's still not in the memorial garden with the rest of our deceased kitties. At some point, he'll be ready to finally lay him to rest with the others. It's okay--some good-byes take longer than others.

And cripes betsygee I'm so wrapped up in my own pain I'm not stopping to think about others and what they're going through... I'm so sorry to hear about that , that's so sad... you have the other kitties' memorial stones sitting there, you have to add another one now and your husband is hurting so much that all he can do is move it by stages.. from inside the house (guessing it was inside the house?) .. to outside.. but not in the memorial garden yet it hurts so much he has to take it by stages... give him big hugs from myself and my entire family please...

(slaps head) okay I get it now apologies for being so stupid... what you said in the quote above is a reply to my wife not being ready to see a gravestone for Pebble I get it now... thanks for that, that helps a lot ...

 

[Andrepartthree]

And I guess that's what I'm wondering.. if there's anyone else here in the forum who's been there too.. just couldn't bring yourself to pick up the remains of the feline member of your family after a particularly gruesome death you couldn't bear to see the results of... and if so how they dealt with it.

And cripes I'm really making a jerk of myself aren't I ? We've ALL " been there too " , it doesn't matter if the beloved cat member of our family was ripped suddenly from us by violence (whether predator or car) or we had to summon the courage to put down our beloved cat member of the family to end their suffering, didn't mean to imply otherwise... I will admit grief is making me say and do stupid things here on the forum and outside of it in day to day interactions too without even realizing what I'm doing... I was just wondering if there was anyone who had been through that exact same situation... couldn't bring yourself to bury the remains because you just couldn't bear the thought of seeing the savaged , mutilated remains ... but now I realize that's the dumbest question in the world for me to ask...

I'm so sorry for your loss and the way in which he was taken. The guy was probably right, better not to see the end result.

Kissthisangel thanks again for this ... I'm desperately clinging to what you said here with all four limbs (much like a cat clinging to a tree branch ! ) to try and deal with my guilt but you saying this helps a LOT, really it does.. thanks again....

 

[Andrepartthree]

The 'essence' of Pebbles, the spirit that made him who he was, is no longer in that little physical body. it, like the love that you and your family shared with him, will be with you for eternity because you all share a bond that can never be broken. The bond of love that two souls share. He will be forever as close as your thoughts and prayers. "Death cannot take that which never dies".......

And of course di and bob clinging on to what you said here as well (that's the other branch I'm hanging onto with all four cat limbs ) ... thank you so much for this .. apologies for the "delayed post" here, I should have posted this immediately after what I said about kissthisangel's post above.. again not thinking straight right now, I know that will get better with time as will the grief as all of you have so kindly pointed out... again thanks to you all

 

[waddle]

I am so sorry you lost him in such a terrible way. I think you did the right thing not picking up his remains. The pain of seeing him that way would probably be worse then the pain of not seeing him at all.

Maybe your wife would be comfortable with a small plain marker for now, and then you can see if she becomes comfortable with the personalized marker later?