The Grief is too much

[kittyprincesss]

I lost my lover almost 2 months ago. She was my person. It doesn't feel real still, and when it feels slightly real it hurts too much and I shut down.
Its been 56 days without you.
56 days without you sleeping nestled into my aide.
56 days without you waiting at the door for me to tell me you missed me.
56 days not knowing how to breathe, how to think, how to function.
56 days of feeling like I'm hollow and that theres nothing left for me to be here for.
56 days of being broken into so many pieces I can't see how I will ever be okay again.
56 days of pain and tears and screaming at the sky wishing I could just bring you back and hold you in my arms one last time.
Just one last time of smelling the nape of head and kissing your sweet little cheeks.
The nights hurt the most, and mornings hurt just as bad. How do I go on when you were my goodnight kiss and my morning smile.
I lay here, instead of being curled into you, swallowed up in my tears and pain.
I still look for you, I still think you'll be sunbathing on your windowsill, looking so beautiful with your orange fur surrounded in sunlight.
I look for you in your red blankie, thinking you will still be there curled into a ball sleeping, and that this all was just one bad and awful nightmare.
How do I go on when you were my reason?
I know you had to go back to the sky, and be the beautiful flower petal I know all too well, but it hurts so much. It hurts too much. We spent our entire lives with each other. You were with me from the moment you were born until the moment you left this realm. I still talk to you when I drive anywhere, because that was our special time. All of our car rides, whether it be to the vet or elsewhere, it was our special time. Everywhere I look, I see pieces of you and it hurts me knowing I will never be able to hold you again until I leave this Earth. Are you okay up there? Are you safe? I'm so sorry I can't be there with you physically right now. I would trade everything I have just to be with you. I don't know if I will ever be able to come to terms with the fact that you aren't here anymore. Your mom is so lost without you. You were my compass. My map. My light. My baby bee. My petal. Every day I am away from you, is a day I will spend wishing I could be there. I love you. I love you more than there are stars in the sky. I love you more than anything I have ever loved in this lifetime. You were my slice of serenity. I miss you so much.

 

[lauranova]

I cried reading your beautiful words. Anyone who has lost a furbaby could identify with this. Sending you and your
kitty lots of love.

 

[Mia6]

I am so very, very sorry about your Flower Petal. She was so beautiful! But don't worry, she is ok and safe, surrounded by all the others who have left us. My Vincie girl was very social and I know she has taken her under her wing. You'll be ok again bu it will take time. Shed those tears. We are all here for you.

Love,
Mia

 

[di and bob]

It is so hard.....but you WILL survive this. 56 days is an eternity, but a blink of the eye in the scope of life. This pain will never leave you, but you will learn to manage it, to push it away only to be brought out when it bursts forth because of a reminder. That warm furry body may be gone from this earth, but the warmth of her love will be forever a part of your very soul. It took me years to not burst into tears at every reminder, to learn not to dwell on the pain of losing her but to focus on her beautiful life. On the wonderful memories we made together, on building her a place in my life now through those memories by remembering how much she loved life and would never want me to waste one moment of it in darkness and pain. By living as I would want her to live if I were the first to go.
Your little girl is safe, she is resting in peace because of the love you share. That bond of love can never be taken from you, 'death cannot take that which never dies' because it is spiritual, not physical. She shared your life's journey for a little while, she became a beautiful part of that life. Although that is now a part of your past it is a good part, a part that is set in stone. It can never be repeated, but it can be added on to, perpetuating that love forever by adding more love to it. She wants nothing more than for you to be happy, to embrace life as it should be, to love again, and keep her love alive because she lives on through you now. A part of you for eternity.
My heart goes out to you....I know how much this hurts because I have stood in your shoes. It is something that has to be gone through by you alone because it is YOUR love and no one else can ever feel what you feel. But you don't have to be alone, there are many of us who have been there, who have survived to offer empathy. Who can tell you that a burden shared is a burden lightened. Draw strength from that, and know you are not alone and never will be. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, and it is what you do with the present that counts. Mourn the loss of that beautiful girl, but also rejoice in knowing you experienced something that not all people do, the wonderful love that the bonding of two hearts brings. Don't let her death be more important than her life, that can never be. concentrate on her wonderful life and know that she will forever be as close as your thoughts and prayers. Take care.......RIP little Flower Petal. You will be dearly missed, you will have a secure place in loving hearts for eternity. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[les26]

We understand. It takes roughly 1.5 years until you are somewhat "over it" or should I say more able to deal with it without it crushing you.

Check into the homeopathic remedy Ignatia Amara, it really helps your body adapt to the stress and grief and loss and has no side effects, just pour the pills into the lid and dump them under your tongue, don't eat or drink for at east 1/2 hour before or after, they really help me when I am emotionally upset.

I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless......

 

[mightyboosh]

That brought tears to my eyes.

 

[Tik cat's mum]

What a beautiful tribute. I'm so sorry for your loss. Reading your post reminded me how losing my boy Tik felt. I know from experience it takes time to grieve. And I know it does get less painful as time goes on. Your beautiful girl is in good company. Your girl will be taken care of at the bridge as Mia6 has said Vincie girl will make sure of that and my boy Tik will help.

 

[Furballsmom]

If it is of any help to you, in addition to the wonderful replies you've recevied and les26 comments as well, these people are wonderful to talk to;

Day By Day Caregiver Support Inc. – Providing compassionate support for the grief that comes before, during and after the loss of a pet

 

[Grayson’s Mummy Julia]

Awwww my goodness, I am so sorry for your loss.
I wish I had words to make you feel better.
di and bob and les26 your words always make me shed a tear. You always know what to say.
Please know we are here for you kittyprincesss

In time your heart will be ready to adopt another fur baby that needs a mummy and who you can share your life with.

Sending big hugs your way

 

[kittyprincesss]

I cried reading your beautiful words. Anyone who has lost a furbaby could identify with this. Sending you and your
kitty lots of love.

Thank you for giving me strength during this heartache.

 

[kittyprincesss]

I am so very, very sorry about your Flower Petal. She was so beautiful! But don't worry, she is ok and safe, surrounded by all the others who have left us. My Vincie girl was very social and I know she has taken her under her wing. You'll be ok again bu it will take time. Shed those tears. We are all here for you.

Love,
Mia

Thank you for being so sweet. She came to me in my dreams last night, and I think it was her telling me that she was okay. The support of you guys makes me feel less alone.

 

[daftcat75]

di and bob gave the best advice I've read in these Crossing the Bridge threads. Don't let her death mean more to you than her life. Right now, it sounds like you're still stuck on her passing and the absence it left you. This is why I always ask grieving cat guardians to tell me about their beloved's life and the love they shared together. Sharing pictures also helps here. I know they are tough to look at now. But the pain will fade. The love and joy is yours to keep forever. Treasure all those photos and any videos you may have of her. When you're more ready to spend time with the pictures, you might consider a tribute thread here, an Instagram account, or online custom photo merchandise sites like Shutterfly and Mixbook to make remembrance/tribute memorabilia like photo tiles, custom canvas, coffee mugs, photo books, puzzles, etc. You name it, and you can probably find someone who can make it.

Something that helped me that may help you as well is this short little e-course. It helps you re-orient within your grief to find the love and joy. Each module gives you journal prompts to help you. It shouldn't take more than a week to go through this. Each module only a few minutes to go through the reading/listen to the audio--and as much time as you want to spend on each journaling prompt. It should hopefully help you move past the haunting stage of grief you're in now towards a more peaceful acceptance and remembrance. That shift likely won't happen in a week. But this should give you some tools to help you get from here to there in whatever time it takes you. Everyone grieves on their own time scale.

Urgent Coping Skills for Pet Loss Grief

In the meantime, I'd love to hear more about her life and see more pictures. She's gorgeous!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Sweet Petal, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

I know that tearing, gnawing grief all to well. It will...not go away, not ever, but it will not be constant after a while. I STILL grieve sometimes for my doggy sister who left me almost 45 years ago, and I still sometimes "step over her" when getting out of bed. We don't "get over," but we do, with time, get through. This is what I know to the depths of my being...love never dies, it only changes form, and, translated and purified, continues on, still Love. It comes back to us, and stays with us until we meet again, because Love abides, always, forever, Love abides. She is at the Bridge, frolicking in the Summerlands, and will wait patiently until, in the fullness of time, you join her there.