Struggling with Guilt

[Calicat13]

We had to say goodbye to our 15yr Bengal and struggling with the guilt, regrets etc. She had underlying health issues but no definitive diagnoses, but had all the symptoms of kidney disease. She also had hyperpigmentation of the Iris that had gotten worse in the last year and was becoming more and more neurotic. Whenever she would have a hairball she would urinate which most of the time was on our bed. One night I laid down on something sharp and yelled out and she jumped in the bed and started hissing at me and because I was caught off guard and had 2 other attack incidents in the last 2 yrs, I ran out of the room and she chased me and actually bit my leg. She had never bit me before and was almost possessed. We slept together every night and after that I had to sleep in another room. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to feel comfortable sleeping in there again. She continued to hiss at me anytime i went in there for a few days. Our house is small as it is and we are in a furnished month to month. We were concerned that she may attack again even if I did nothing to provoke her, but she slowly started to come around, but was still uneasy. A week after the incident she finally let me pet her again, but I still don’t know if I would ever sleep in there again. We had talked about having to put her down, but shew wouldn’t let us near her to get her to the vet so I had to call in an house vet. She gave me gabapentin and I became hopeful that maybe we could have more time with her and she would mellow out, but she refused to take it and the feliway and reduce remedy just wasn’t enough. I told myself that when she had another incident that it may be time because she would go under the covers and it would allow the vet to come in. That day she started vomiting again and peed in the bed again and went under the covers. Sometimes this would last for days if she couldn’t get the hairball up and she wasn’t comfortable letting me go in that room much and i really felt at a loss. The only time the vet would be able to come was if she was under the covers, I just didn’t expect it to happen that quickly and made the decision in that moment. She was still playing for about 10min in the day (in the bed) and eating and drinking. I just always pictured the end being that they don’t eat/drink and are frail, etc. She spent 90% of her day in the bed and would not go in the rest of the house. She was becoming more and more neurotic in the last year. She was on edge a lot. Just me laughing loudly she would get in defense mode. I wonder if maybe something neurological was going on. Maybe the hyperpigmentation had progressed. It’s just really hard that she was still playing some, but maybe she was in pain and hiding it.

I have guilt for not continuing to try more supplements/medication, but she knew anytime I put anything in her food and wouldn’t eat it and would not eat pill pockets. I couldn’t get her in the carrier because of the attack. I feel guilty for not giving her more time to come around and trying to spend more time saying goodbye. We thought maybe we had 1-2 more weeks to spend with her. We had just had 3 weeks prior to this where she had no vomitting, constipation etc and her new high fiber food was helping her. She was more energetic, etc. I don’t know if this was her gift to us because the prior 6 weeks she was really sick and was the longest bout with it she had. I have overwhelming guilt for not being able to be by her side when she was giving the injections. When she gave her the sedative she yelled and cried and it broke my heart so I had to go outside. I talked to her through the door, but I couldn’t bare to see her. It was our first pet and never gone through euthanization before. Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar not knowing if it was the right time and what helped them get past the guilt, regrets, etc. Thank you.

 

[FeebysOwner]

There is no easy or simple answer. You will have to go through the grieving process the best you can for how you personally feel. No one but you can guide you through when it really comes down to it. Coming here just to vent is a good thing because it at least lets you go through the process of what you are experiencing/feeling. Every situation is so personally and emotionally different.

I am not sure there is a situation yet that I have heard, read, or personally experienced myself, about where there is not some guilt involved. It is always the 'what ifs' or the 'could I have...' that 'gets' most everyone in one form or the other. The thing is these 'doubts' stop you from celebrating your cat's life, they stop you from letting go of things that are no longer in your control. Perhaps, those last days and moments could have been better, but what outweighs all of that is all the years preceding that little bit of time at the end.

She is at peace now, and she had a good life for 15 years under your care. So, thinking about it from that perspective, which is more important overall - those last few days/minutes or the many, many that came before?

Keep sharing her stories, pics (and her name) here for as long as you need. It is a tribute to her and a lasting memorial to honor your sweet little girl.

 

[mrsgreenjeens]

I think no matter what happens, everyone struggles with guilt. Did I wait too long, or did I do it too soon, did I do everything I could? It's natural to question yourself. We've all done it, some of us too many times. In your case, when the cat starts attacking, it makes it doubly hard to try to help when it's near to impossible to get them to a Vet or get any medications in them.

Time is the only thing I know of for sure that helps mend a broken heart. And the amount of time it takes if different for every person in the world.

Perhaps there is something in this thread that will help. There are things on grieving, and things on guilt :

Thoughts For Grieving Cat Lovers

Sometimes the right word can help a grieving cat lover work through the loss of their beloved pet. Our member Gareth wrote this moving post that has given some comfort to members whose kitties have crossed the Rainbow Bridge, and this post may help those who continue to grieve after their...

thecatsite.com

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Old Friend, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

She was loved. Even when her behavior made you frightened, I could hear your love for her come through. And you did your very best for her, given how difficult she was. And how very strong, being Bengal. Although you will continue to wonder, please know that you did all that you could, given the fact that she made medicating impossible. And now, she is beyond whatever was turning her mind to fire, and she is at peace. And from her home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, she blesses you for your patience, and for trying.

 

[les26]

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this very unusual situation, it sounds like you did the best that you could with what you had to work with and you cetainly cared deeply for your cat and wanted it to work but she sounds like she had something very wrong going on and it is just so sad to hear this. It is so easy to play the blame game, that is the grief that has ahold of you and will play mental games for awhile and that is normal, but you just have to deal with it and know that you did ALL that you could, sometimes there are no explanations WHY we have these things happen and why we must deal with them, but you did it the best that you could and I KNOW that she understands it, and when you meet again someday down the line then the explanation will be there and be clear, but for now please take care of yourself the best that you can, you did nothing wrong, and with time things will soften and ease.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I am so sorry for your loss, I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless...

 

[di and bob]

Grief always brings regret and guilt, because not one of us is perfect and we know it. We have all been there, you are definitely not alone in your feelings. You tried so many things, much more than most. 15 years is a good long life for a cat, that is close to 100 in people years the cats that live to 20 are few in number. As for her behavior that could very well be pain she was experiencing, that definitely heightens anxiety and overstimulation. Animals also know when they are dying and that may have made her aggressive too, she wanted to die at home and I am glad she was granted that.
Your love for her is spiritual, so eternal. try not to dwell on her end, but on the good times you had over all those years. They are far more important. she would want you to go forward into the future and live as you would want for her to go on if you were the first to go. She would never want to purposely bring you pain.
Time is the only thing that brings peace with matters of the heart. It will dull the sharp edges of grief, and perhaps bring about a clearing of the mind so you see things differently. She had definitely had changes fro the worse, she was more or less existing, not truly living.
I feel your pain, I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.....RIP precious little girl. You will be dearly missed, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Maria Bayote]

When she gave her the sedative she yelled and cried and it broke my heart so I had to go outside. I talked to her through the door, but I couldn’t bare to see her.

I suddenly remembered the last kitty I lost. At the vet he was screaming in pain and I had to walk out and speak to him through the door. I understand how it feels and it is utterly heartbreaking to see them in pain. If we had that magic wand we can always, always wish that what physical torment they go through would magically just go away, but there is a limit of what we can do for them, and it is sad.

No words from me may probably wash away your guilt and grief, but please know you are not alone. You can cry. Crying is good, but I pray that you do not dwell on these feelings for long. Your cat would not want you to remain as you are now.

You gave her a good, long and loved life. That was all that mattered to her.

Hang in there. This too, shall pass.

 

[Mighty Orange]

15 years is a long time. You will always remember the good times until you pass. I wish you the best, but it takes time to grieve. I no longer stay to watch the euthanization after having to euthanize 4 cats in the past year, emotionally I cannot take it.

 

[Calicat13]

There is no easy or simple answer. You will have to go through the grieving process the best you can for how you personally feel. No one but you can guide you through when it really comes down to it. Coming here just to vent is a good thing because it at least lets you go through the process of what you are experiencing/feeling. Every situation is so personally and emotionally different.

I am not sure there is a situation yet that I have heard, read, or personally experienced myself, about where there is not some guilt involved. It is always the 'what ifs' or the 'could I have...' that 'gets' most everyone in one form or the other. The thing is these 'doubts' stop you from celebrating your cat's life, they stop you from letting go of things that are no longer in your control. Perhaps, those last days and moments could have been better, but what outweighs all of that is all the years preceding that little bit of time at the end.

She is at peace now, and she had a good life for 15 years under your care. So, thinking about it from that perspective, which is more important overall - those last few days/minutes or the many, many that came before?

Keep sharing her stories, pics (and her name) here for as long as you need. It is a tribute to her and a lasting memorial to honor your sweet little girl.

The thing is these 'doubts' stop you from celebrating your cat's life, they stop you from letting go of things that are no longer in your control.

This really helped. Thank you for your kind words. Her name was Cali.

 

[Calicat13]

I think no matter what happens, everyone struggles with guilt. Did I wait too long, or did I do it too soon, did I do everything I could? It's natural to question yourself. We've all done it, some of us too many times. In your case, when the cat starts attacking, it makes it doubly hard to try to help when it's near to impossible to get them to a Vet or get any medications in them.

Time is the only thing I know of for sure that helps mend a broken heart. And the amount of time it takes if different for every person in the world.

Perhaps there is something in this thread that will help. There are things on grieving, and things on guilt :

http://[URL]https://thecatsite.com/threads/thoughts-for-grieving-cat-lovers.356228/

[/URL]

Yes, I have been reading through the forums and it has helped, thank you for your kind words. It was impossible and I found the best option I could for her, I just wish it hadn't happened so quickly and I was able to spend a few more days with her.

 

[Calicat13]

Rest you gentle, Old Friend, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

She was loved. Even when her behavior made you frightened, I could hear your love for her come through. And you did your very best for her, given how difficult she was. And how very strong, being Bengal. Although you will continue to wonder, please know that you did all that you could, given the fact that she made medicating impossible. And now, she is beyond whatever was turning her mind to fire, and she is at peace. And from her home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, she blesses you for your patience, and for trying.

Thank you for responding and your kind words. Yes, she was so strong being a Bengal and I think that's what made it so difficult at the end and maybe was hiding more than we knew. She just looked so sad after what happened and knowing that I didn't feel comfortable sleeping with her anymore and it broke my heart.

 

[Calicat13]

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this very unusual situation, it sounds like you did the best that you could with what you had to work with and you cetainly cared deeply for your cat and wanted it to work but she sounds like she had something very wrong going on and it is just so sad to hear this. It is so easy to play the blame game, that is the grief that has ahold of you and will play mental games for awhile and that is normal, but you just have to deal with it and know that you did ALL that you could, sometimes there are no explanations WHY we have these things happen and why we must deal with them, but you did it the best that you could and I KNOW that she understands it, and when you meet again someday down the line then the explanation will be there and be clear, but for now please take care of yourself the best that you can, you did nothing wrong, and with time things will soften and ease.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I am so sorry for your loss, I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless...

Thank you so much, this really helps.

 

[Calicat13]

Grief always brings regret and guilt, because not one of us is perfect and we know it. We have all been there, you are definitely not alone in your feelings. You tried so many things, much more than most. 15 years is a good long life for a cat, that is close to 100 in people years the cats that live to 20 are few in number. As for her behavior that could very well be pain she was experiencing, that definitely heightens anxiety and overstimulation. Animals also know when they are dying and that may have made her aggressive too, she wanted to die at home and I am glad she was granted that.
Your love for her is spiritual, so eternal. try not to dwell on her end, but on the good times you had over all those years. They are far more important. she would want you to go forward into the future and live as you would want for her to go on if you were the first to go. She would never want to purposely bring you pain.
Time is the only thing that brings peace with matters of the heart. It will dull the sharp edges of grief, and perhaps bring about a clearing of the mind so you see things differently. She had definitely had changes fro the worse, she was more or less existing, not truly living.
I feel your pain, I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.....RIP precious little girl. You will be dearly missed, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

Thank you so much for responding and your kind words, they help lessen the grief.

 

[Calicat13]

15 years is a long time. You will always remember the good times until you pass. I wish you the best, but it takes time to grieve. I no longer stay to watch the euthanization after having to euthanize 4 cats in the past year, emotionally I cannot take it.

Thank you, I just wish I had known a little more about the process and been more prepared and maybe I could have been with her. She was always by my side and had been through the everything with me and I really wish I had read more and tried to be with her. I know being at home had to help as a vet office would have been very stressful.

 

[Alldara]

Lily, our late cat was sick for over a year. It was hyperthyroid and then an ear infection (vet said it was idiopathic dizzyness and I knew damn well it wasn't due to the smell). Then it was a chronic sinus infection that I was sure was fungal but the vet said no (now, over a year after her death, I know more and am sure it was from the bump that developed on her head). I hand fed her for over 6 months while home in our country's quarentine. I was home with her that long and I STILL felt guilty. The vet agreed it was time and I STILL felt guilty.

It's a natural part of grief. Words that helped me were this, "Each time we learn something from our cats before they pass (or in our education efforts afterwards to gain closure). Whether we choose to share that information verbally with other pet owners, or help a new cat we adopt, we are are honouring the life of our cat who passed."

You did you best with what you had at that time. You might learn more now, or later that would have helped you had you known it before. That doesn't change that: You did your best with what you had at that time and that's enough. What you did was enough. Time will help you, and you will find what helps you to feel peace with her passing. I know that to be true after Lily. It took me some time, but adopting another special needs cat is what it took for me.

 

[njtom]

We just went through this the other day, so I am dealing with the same feelings. What is hard to accept is that a cat has a limited lifespan. If a cat makes it to 20, that is a miracle. It doesn't happen often. If your cat was 15, she was already blessed to have lived a long life as far as cats go. Maybe an extreme treatment could buy a little more time, but at what cost to the cat's quality of life? There is nothing you could have done to give her even another year, so please do not beat yourself up.

The joy and the pain for cat owners is that a cat is essentially a child that never grows up, and who loves you and depends on you forever, so losing him or her is devastating. And every time you get a new cat, you know you will have to face it eventually.

This is an old post on the site that is occasionally bumped. I've read it many times and it helps me.

When the moment comes...

A note for those who have lost a cat, or are worrying about when that moment comes. When we decide to share our lives with a cat, we are making a decision to break our own hearts. That's not melodrama. At some point, that bundle of fur will get under your skin. It doesn't matter how big and...

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