Struggling - Please Help

[Kjmc63]

Hi, I’m new to this site & just want to ask other cat lovers how I come to terms with having my beloved baby boy Frankie to sleep yesterday. I just feel so guilty & sad that I can’t stand it. He was 15 & such a special boy who followed me everywhere. Even while I was in the bathroom, he was there. When I came home from work, no matter what time, he just appeared to greet me. For a few months he’d been a bit vacant & had lost weight but still had a good appetite. He’d been checked at the vets for his weight loss but his thyroid test & diabetes tests were both negative. I decided not to put him through any more invasive tests as he was happy & not in any pain. My husband & I had to go away for 5 days & left him & my other cats with the lovely lady who looks after them. I had a message from her on Tuesday morning to say that Frankie was not good. She’d found him lying in his own faeces & he was weak on his left side & kept falling over. He was still eating & not in pain so she cleaned him kept him comfortable in her spare room & cuddled hiim at regular intervals.
We arrived home next morning after a horrendous journey home so upset. We collected him straight away & took him home. I cuddled him in a blanket instead of a carrier & he just let me which he would never have normally done. I put him down in the kitchen & he could walk but his left back leg kept giving way & his left front leg kept bending under at the elbow. He couldn’t stand on slippy floors without his leg splaying out. He did manage better on the carpet though. It was awful to see. He did recognise his litter tray & did manage to have a wee in there. He was hungry & ate some food but his face fell into the food a couple of times & he had trouble finding the water dish.
I called the vet & we took him straight there. She was very nice & said it was very likely to be a strike which is what I already thought. She said he did feel pain in his toes which was a good sign & there could be a slim chance he could improve. She said we could take him home to see if he improved over a couple of days or we could make the dreadful decision there & then. She have us time alone with him to decide & we put him on the floor. He kept falling over & looked so pitiful - it was horrible.
We couldn’t stand the thought of watching him suffer like that any longer so told her to give him the injection. We said our goodbyes & stroked him & told him that we loved him. He didn’t struggle at all when she injected him & it was very quick but so, so sad. Since then I’ve just been asking myself if we did the right thing - should we have brought him home to see if he improved? Did we decide too fast? Why did the vet tell me there was a slim chance of him improving - did she really think that? Why did she give us the option to take him home unless she thought he would get better? All these things going round in my head.
I’m torturing myself by thinking I let him down. I had him from 8 weeks old & loved him so much. Watching him die was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. To make things worse, it was my Mums funeral last week so I feel like I’m losing everyone I love. Frankie was beautiful - that’s him in the photo. He was a moggy but so special & gentle. Any advice from members who have been through this would be really appreciated. Thank you.

 

[les26]

I am so sorry to read this and hear of your loss of your little friend, I think it was just his time to leave this Earth and go on to the next life unfortunately. 15 years is pretty darn good although no amount of time is enough, and it was made even worse that you were away and also so sorry to hear of your mom's passing too, you are just so so overloaded with stress and bad things happening all at once and the grief is ruling your world right now which is normal. If he was that bad, and the vet said there was only a slim chance that he would improve, I feel that you did the right albeit hardest thing by putting him out of his suffering when you did, and the fact that he passed peacefully tells me that he was ready to go, but it is so so hard to deal with, I wish I could take away some of your pain and sadness.

In times of stress and grief I found Holy Basil to be helpful, an herb that helps you adapt and deal with stress. Also the homeopathic remedy Ignatia amara that you put under your tongue for shock and grief works too and are not harmful or habit forming.

I am so sorry that you lost your little friend, but he is relieved to be out of his pain riddled body and is just fine now, just fine, waiting until you meet again many years down the line.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

Hang in there, I am so sorry, I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless......

 

[Furballsmom]

I am so sorry this has happened.
I am so sorry your baby had that happen to him.
You were not wrong, and you gave him an enormous gift by letting him go.
Maybe this will help;

Grieving

 

[mysterylover]

I am so sorry this happened--and also so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. I agree that you did the right thing by letting him go. It is a wonderful thing that you blessed each other's lives for all those years. When you are ready, I bet you will fall in love again with another kitty who needs you as much as you need them. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your decision was a very unselfish one. Take care!

 

[di and bob]

It is perfectly normal to have all these unanswered questions and feelings of guilt. It is a part of the grieving process and no one escapes their coming, even with a peaceful death after a long life.
Your precious boy wants it different for you, he loves you too much for you to be in such pain because of his leaving. Because that is what love is, only wanting happiness and joy in the lives of those we love. Just as you would want for him if you were the first to go. Try not to dwell on that end, as you know too well it only brings heartache. The past cannot be changed. We all only have the present to help make our future into a place that we can be happy in, cats live in the present, as all animals do, and don't have the worries we have about mistakes and future plans. There was no right or wrong in your decision. You had no guarantee that Frankie would have ever recovered. At 15, he would have been involved in a long torturous process to recover and would have most likely been never the same. A prolonging of loss of dignity and the pain that goes with a diagnosis like this. Strokes are most likely followed by more, and I strongly feel that you made the right decision to end that pain and misery, you made a decision brought about by love,and that can never be wrong.
The strong bond of love you have with that precious little boy can never be taken from you, "death cannot take that which never dies". Your love will keep him alive forever through your memories and the feelings you will always have. Don't let the death be more important than the life. All those years he gave you, the love and happiness, are so much more important. To have never had him in your life at all would have been unthinkable. Concentrate on what a good boy he was, how he looked at you, at what joy he gave you for so many years. Send him thoughts of love and comfort, help his love to bloom and to let him know you acknowledge the love he left you, don't send him tears and sadness.
Give a small donation to your local shelter in his name, it will help you feel good about yourself and may even save a life. It may give another sweet soul the opportunity to know what you two shared. To pass on the legacy of love he left for you.
I know how long this takes, it is an ever revolving process of ups and downs. You never get over grief, you work through it. You learn to live again, to find joy in living once again, despite it. Because that is what our loved ones would want us to do. You have been dealt a double blow to your heart recently, I pray your mother is at peace and continues to send her love for eternity. That she and Frankie will be joined together, forever a part of your loving soul.
It is so hard, because it is so easy to fall into the arms of despair. Don't let grief win, fight it with thoughts of better times in the past, with love in your heart and the knowledge you can find happiness once more with the help of those who have gone before you, because that is what they left for you, a legacy of love. Take care......RIP sweet, sweet Frankie. You will never be forgotten, you will be forever loved. May you find comfort in the laps of those who have gone before you, may the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Kjmc63]

Thank you so much to all of you lovely cat lovers who took the time to reply with comforting words. They all helped me so much, even though I read them with tears streaming down my face. I know that Frankie loved me & would not want me to be sad. I hope that he can forgive me for making that awful decision to let him go. I know that it would have been a selfish choice if I’d taken him home for another few days. It would have been for me, not him & that wasn’t fair. All my instincts were to pick him up & just run out of that room in the vets & I had to fight it with everything I had.
I have three other cats & have also just had to bring my Mums cat home to live with us. It’s awful tim8ng & he’s hiding away hissing at everything at the moment. I know he’s sad about my Mum passing & now confused about where he is too. My other cats will be missing Frankie & now I’ve had to bring a strange cat into their lives too. Poor things must be so bewildered.
I love the idea of making a donation in his name to an animal shelter di & bob so I’ll look into that. Thank you all.

 

[les26]

My gosh you have your hands full, certainly more than your share of stress and changes; I hope life starts to settle down for you soon, stay strong and stay on this site as we can help!

 

[Furballsmom]

Hello again, just a quick note try some calming products, there are collars, treats, diffusers, and lots of different ingredients, even CBD oil, casein, valerian and even chamomile.
You could try chamomile tea from the little bags, both to help the cat(s) stress and yours, 2-3 teaspoons a couple times a day.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Frankie, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

No, you did the right thing. One of the most precious things about cats is their dignity. And you didn't let Frankie lose that. You loved him and cared for him all of his long life, and helped him start his new Journey with his dignity intact. What a loving gift to give him! Now he is no longer trapped in an aging, ailing body that could not support his sweet, loving heart and gentle spirit. Now, he dances on Starlight, always near, always loving you, just as you will always love him.

And do try the chamomile. Chill it for the cats, drink a full cup, hot with honey for you.

 

[Kjmc63]

Thank you so much for your lovely comforting words Mamanyt1953. I just miss him so much. I have four gorgeous cats but there was just something special about Frankie & I always felt like I loved him too much if that’s possible.
When we love so deeply we know & fear that the pain when we have to say goodbye is so great that it’s like a physical pain.
I will try the chamomile - thanks for the suggestion.

 

[Kjmc63]

My gorgeous boy Frankie - I’ll love you forever. I’ll miss you forever. I hope that you forgive me. I hope that you’re with Mum getting lots of cuddles & are with your sister Molly running & jumping like a kitten again. Be at peace sweet boy.

 

[bobingersoll]

Frankie is a darling - wonderful pictures. You did right, and your feelings of guilt are simply normal. All we can do is work our way thru those feelings. It has been almost 6 weeks since we had to put Kato to sleep, and I still wrestle with guilt. I suspect it will be with me for quite some time. Probably because we love and miss them so very much.

 

[tinydestroyer]

Frankie looks so sweet and handsome! I'm so sorry you lost your friend, and your mom, in such quick succession. I agree that you did the right thing, and second the recommendation by Furballsmom to read that post on grieving. It's a good one. I hope you'll come back to post if you want to vent your grief, or chat about your feelings, or share pictures of sweet Frankie.

 

[Mylittlepony]

Hi, I’m new to this site & just want to ask other cat lovers how I come to terms with having my beloved baby boy Frankie to sleep yesterday. I just feel so guilty & sad that I can’t stand it. He was 15 & such a special boy who followed me everywhere. Even while I was in the bathroom, he was there. When I came home from work, no matter what time, he just appeared to greet me. For a few months he’d been a bit vacant & had lost weight but still had a good appetite. He’d been checked at the vets for his weight loss but his thyroid test & diabetes tests were both negative. I decided not to put him through any more invasive tests as he was happy & not in any pain. My husband & I had to go away for 5 days & left him & my other cats with the lovely lady who looks after them. I had a message from her on Tuesday morning to say that Frankie was not good. She’d found him lying in his own faeces & he was weak on his left side & kept falling over. He was still eating & not in pain so she cleaned him kept him comfortable in her spare room & cuddled hiim at regular intervals.
We arrived home next morning after a horrendous journey home so upset. We collected him straight away & took him home. I cuddled him in a blanket instead of a carrier & he just let me which he would never have normally done. I put him down in the kitchen & he could walk but his left back leg kept giving way & his left front leg kept bending under at the elbow. He couldn’t stand on slippy floors without his leg splaying out. He did manage better on the carpet though. It was awful to see. He did recognise his litter tray & did manage to have a wee in there. He was hungry & ate some food but his face fell into the food a couple of times & he had trouble finding the water dish.
I called the vet & we took him straight there. She was very nice & said it was very likely to be a strike which is what I already thought. She said he did feel pain in his toes which was a good sign & there could be a slim chance he could improve. She said we could take him home to see if he improved over a couple of days or we could make the dreadful decision there & then. She have us time alone with him to decide & we put him on the floor. He kept falling over & looked so pitiful - it was horrible.
We couldn’t stand the thought of watching him suffer like that any longer so told her to give him the injection. We said our goodbyes & stroked him & told him that we loved him. He didn’t struggle at all when she injected him & it was very quick but so, so sad. Since then I’ve just been asking myself if we did the right thing - should we have brought him home to see if he improved? Did we decide too fast? Why did the vet tell me there was a slim chance of him improving - did she really think that? Why did she give us the option to take him home unless she thought he would get better? All these things going round in my head.
I’m torturing myself by thinking I let him down. I had him from 8 weeks old & loved him so much. Watching him die was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. To make things worse, it was my Mums funeral last week so I feel like I’m losing everyone I love. Frankie was beautiful - that’s him in the photo. He was a moggy but so special & gentle. Any advice from members who have been through this would be really appreciated. Thank you.

So sorry for your loss. I have had a similar time, losing my mother just 2 months before Harry, died in February. It's emotion overload and so hard to get through. I'm still struggling, bad days, good days, when earlier they were all bad so it takes time and its different for everyone. In time not every thought will be sad and not every memory will be of how he died. I didn't take Harry home, and thought it would upset him if I went in before he had his surgery so I didn't get to say goodbye, but really however it happens is tragic and never feels 'right', and always think doing something else would have made a difference. You loved him and know that everything you did was with love and the best of intentions.

 

[tarasgirl06]

Hi, I’m new to this site & just want to ask other cat lovers how I come to terms with having my beloved baby boy Frankie to sleep yesterday. I just feel so guilty & sad that I can’t stand it. He was 15 & such a special boy who followed me everywhere. Even while I was in the bathroom, he was there. When I came home from work, no matter what time, he just appeared to greet me. For a few months he’d been a bit vacant & had lost weight but still had a good appetite. He’d been checked at the vets for his weight loss but his thyroid test & diabetes tests were both negative. I decided not to put him through any more invasive tests as he was happy & not in any pain. My husband & I had to go away for 5 days & left him & my other cats with the lovely lady who looks after them. I had a message from her on Tuesday morning to say that Frankie was not good. She’d found him lying in his own faeces & he was weak on his left side & kept falling over. He was still eating & not in pain so she cleaned him kept him comfortable in her spare room & cuddled hiim at regular intervals.
We arrived home next morning after a horrendous journey home so upset. We collected him straight away & took him home. I cuddled him in a blanket instead of a carrier & he just let me which he would never have normally done. I put him down in the kitchen & he could walk but his left back leg kept giving way & his left front leg kept bending under at the elbow. He couldn’t stand on slippy floors without his leg splaying out. He did manage better on the carpet though. It was awful to see. He did recognise his litter tray & did manage to have a wee in there. He was hungry & ate some food but his face fell into the food a couple of times & he had trouble finding the water dish.
I called the vet & we took him straight there. She was very nice & said it was very likely to be a strike which is what I already thought. She said he did feel pain in his toes which was a good sign & there could be a slim chance he could improve. She said we could take him home to see if he improved over a couple of days or we could make the dreadful decision there & then. She have us time alone with him to decide & we put him on the floor. He kept falling over & looked so pitiful - it was horrible.
We couldn’t stand the thought of watching him suffer like that any longer so told her to give him the injection. We said our goodbyes & stroked him & told him that we loved him. He didn’t struggle at all when she injected him & it was very quick but so, so sad. Since then I’ve just been asking myself if we did the right thing - should we have brought him home to see if he improved? Did we decide too fast? Why did the vet tell me there was a slim chance of him improving - did she really think that? Why did she give us the option to take him home unless she thought he would get better? All these things going round in my head.
I’m torturing myself by thinking I let him down. I had him from 8 weeks old & loved him so much. Watching him die was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. To make things worse, it was my Mums funeral last week so I feel like I’m losing everyone I love. Frankie was beautiful - that’s him in the photo. He was a moggy but so special & gentle. Any advice from members who have been through this would be really appreciated. Thank you.

Kjmc63 -- my heartfelt condolences on your loss of precious Frankie. There is never an "easy" way to make what I call "the decision" and no matter what you do or when you do it, there will always be doubt attached, which can lead to guilt. Bottom line, though, the grief we feel is for US, not for our beloved ones who have escaped suffering and ascended to a place of such beauty and Love that we cannot even imagine it, and who watch over us until we are reunited in due time, never again to part. The soul is eternal, but the physical body, sadly, is prone to so many problems and when those problems become too great, release, whether at the hands of doctors or naturally, is a blessing and a kindness.
I have gone through this so many times, and have been at the side of beloved ones who are feline, human, and of other species when the final time here on this earth arrives. Any pain experienced during the transition is only for a time, and that is something we do not want to think about. But what we can reflect on is that it is OVER and we would never want anyone we care for to suffer, would we?
I had a somewhat similar experience to yours in that I lost my beloved father fairly unexpectedly, and very shortly thereafter, I lost a beloved cat I had just adopted a very short time beforehand. She, too, lost the use of her hind legs, very suddenly. I was told she had a mass and that she was suffering. Though I had so very little time with her and could hardly endure her leaving so quickly, there was no question that I could not let her linger on in that state.
Two years ago, three of my beloved cats left us in just over three months.
Life has many times been so full of pain I did not know how I would endure, but I have. And I know that in due time, all of those I love will be with me again.
May you be comforted by this knowledge as well as the treasured memories of your loved ones and the knowledge that they all watch over you.

What a gorgeous boy Frankie was! I know he wants your mom's cat to be safe and to share the love you shared with him. Cats are like that -- they just give unconditional loyalty and love.

 

[Timmer]

Frankie is a very handsome guy and was so lucky to have you for 15 long years. That is an amazing amount of time to love someone. I do know how you feel. I lost my Timmer in January. It's so hard making that decision but you did it for him and he thanks you for it, I am sure. It's just really difficult when there is something so special about that one cat in particular. That is how i felt about Timmer. I've had a lot of cats in my life but he really touched my heart.
I wouldn't feel guilty about what you did. I know that is easier said than done, and I went through that terribly but I spoke with my vet about a month later and he told me please do not feel that you should have "tried harder" with Tim. Timmer didn't respond to any medications. And I think with a stroke as in your case, that is so rare that they might bounce back. I wouldn't put my cats through that either.
You are a good cat mom. And I am so very very sorry for your loss of your Frankie and your mom. Lots of adjustments for you and your household right now. Be kind to yourself.

 

[Kjmc63]

Thank you to all my fellow cat lovers. I have been so touched & grateful for all of your wonderful replies & advice. I miss Frankie constantly but the ‘raw’ grief has eased a little. I am getting a lot of comfort from my other cats who must be wondering what is happening. Frankie is no longer here & there is a strange cat hissing at them in their own home! Mum’s cat Bailey had to be brought back here at such a sad time but I hope that he settles in okay eventually.

 

[Furballsmom]

If you need, you could start another thread for any thing regarding your mom's cat, we'd love to hear more, and to help with anything that might makes things all easier if we can.

 

[tarasgirl06]

Thank you to all my fellow cat lovers. I have been so touched & grateful for all of your wonderful replies & advice. I miss Frankie constantly but the ‘raw’ grief has eased a little. I am getting a lot of comfort from my other cats who must be wondering what is happening. Frankie is no longer here & there is a strange cat hissing at them in their own home! Mum’s cat Bailey had to be brought back here at such a sad time but I hope that he settles in okay eventually.

We all do, too, Kjmc63 . Gradual introductions are usually best, with the new cat in his or her own room set up with everything (s)he needs. Cat behaviorist Jackson Galaxy has excellent tutorials on YouTube and on his hit Animal Planet TV show, "MY CAT FROM HELL".

 

[les26]

Thank you to all my fellow cat lovers. I have been so touched & grateful for all of your wonderful replies & advice. I miss Frankie constantly but the ‘raw’ grief has eased a little. I am getting a lot of comfort from my other cats who must be wondering what is happening. Frankie is no longer here & there is a strange cat hissing at them in their own home! Mum’s cat Bailey had to be brought back here at such a sad time but I hope that he settles in okay eventually.

Check out some of the products Jackson Galaxy sells to help with stress and introducing a new cat, liquids to put in their food or water or on their fur or in the air, we have used several of them and the results were great!