Struggling Over The Death Of Our Sweet Girl

[sundreamer]

Sorry for the long post.......

We just lost our sweet girl this past Friday and I can't help but think I made a horrible decision. She was 17 and has been doing great in health! She had "kitty IBS" so every once in awhile she would have troubles with bowels and would be throwing up so at those times we would put her in the room with her litter box, with fluids and shut the door. Basically let it run its course and then we would have to clean up the mess strictly in that room. That is what I thought was happening again. I had woke up early Thanksgiving morning and saw that she had been sick on our bed and so my daughter carried her down to the litter box. My husband checked on her later in the day and said that she was still having stomach issues but made sure to check her water and she was in her kitty bed. Since she was still having to struggle with going to the bathroom we decided to leave her in there over the night (her litter box and food are in the laundry room). The next morning I told my daughter to go ahead and feed her and let her out. My daughter (who is 9) was so excited and went down to get her with my husband. My husband said that when they went in that our kitty tried walking back into her cat bed (which was unusual) and my daughter decided to just pick her up and carry her up to my bed where I was sitting. Instantly I noticed that she was wobbly on her legs and she quickly laid down. Her pupils looked huge and she just didn't look like herself. I figured she was just wore out from having a stomach issue. I tried to stand her up and she would try to walk but struggled and would just lay down. (Here is where I think I made the first mistake.......) I freaked out and told my husband we needed to get her to the vet. I called two vets and they were booked solid. I called the third and they had an opening right then and now so we got the crate and I put her inside. That was the last time I saw her, her face looking at me through the gate of the crate. My husband and daughter took her and I stayed home with my other two children and had stuff to do. He sent me a text that said her vitals were fine but that she just laid there when they took her temp. He said they were running labs and were awaiting results. Shortly after he called and this is where I feel I made the second mistake. All of her labs were off. Crazy high for all her kidney and liver levels and of course she was severely dehydrated. The vet told my husband that they thought she had kidney disease and that there were two options. Option #1 was end of life and #2 was that she could come home but it would be with constant IV fluids that we would have to do and that it would be a band aid for us to spend more time with her. They said they did not know if she had 3 weeks or 3 months but she was sick. He called me asking what to do and I made the heart breaking decision to let her go. I feel like I erred. I had to tell my daughter on the phone that it was time to say goodbye and that I was on my way with her brothers. When I got there I couldn't do it. I basically froze in the parking lot and broke down. My boys went in and my daughter came out saying she couldn't do it either. My daughter and I left and I held her hand and we cried together. As I was driving home a sudden warmth came over me and call me crazy but I think that was the moment that she died. I have been devastated ever since and I feel like she was fine and maybe just wore out from her irritable stomach. I feel that I should not have rushed to call the vet but have kept her comfortable at home. I feel awful. She had her own special pillow on our bed and she was always next to me. I lost my best friend and it's my fault. I don't know if the vet was wrong on the diagnosis or not. She was just fine the other day. I made a mistake. I miss her so much. So so much.

 

[les26]

This is a tough one, first I am so sorry that you lost your beloved little girl, it is always so so heartbreaking to see them pass. You were in a tough spot, going to a vet you didn't know and getting that awful news that it was probably time to put her down, I can see why you would second guess things but if she was in that bad of shape I don't know, maybe it was time to do it ...the only other thing I could say is to ask did you have a vet that you really trusted, did you have a regular vet? Maybe if you brought her home and tried the fluids and all and then seen how she responded and then contact the regular vet to see her, but if you didn't have one then that is out. I do know that I have seen cats that looked and seemed fine on the outside, but inside they were very sick, so maybe even though she seemed in good health before this as you say she might have been very sick and hurting and in that case you did the right thing, considering her age too.

But either way I am sorry that this happened, you did what you thought was right with the information that you were given, and even if you were 100% certain that it was the right thing it is second nature to guess and think "did I do the right thing?" and "what if I had done this instead?" and other similar things but that is just the immense grief talking and it will try to take you over and that is normal, but with time it will all settle down but right now you feel just awful we know, we've been there and it is just horrible, but with time you will be okay and you will see her again one day and it will be wonderful.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I am so sorry for your loss, I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless....

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Sweet Girl, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

My heart is breaking right along with yours. No, you did not make a horrible mistake. You did the best thing for her, at great cost to you. With her age, and her kidney levels, there was nothing ahead for her but a fairly rapid decline into every growing misery. You saved her from that. Far, far better to do this a little bit too soon that a little bit too late. And that warmth you felt? That was your Girl saying, "Thank you for loving me enough to let me go. Thank you for helping me leave this Adventure, and to start my Next Adventure. I love you always and forever. A part of me is with you still."

 

[Kflowers]

This the hardest of all gifts is best given a day early than a week late. It is the ultimate gift of love. Know that she knows your acted from love and she is now free beyond pain, beyond fear, surrounded by friends and love. She sent the warmth of her love to you to let you know it was all right, it was time. Do not begrudge the gift you gave her. Know that she is always with you.

 

[ans5181]

I can only echo what everyone else has said, you gave her the greatest gift of love by letting her go. It's so hard, I know. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. She is better now and holds no grudges towards you. She knows how loved she was and is resting without pain now. I am sending love and peace to you too.

 

[solomonar]

The bitter last Duty. It is not our choice. It is never our choice. One cannot decide to comply or not with an obligation. Can we decide to eat or not to eat? Can we decide to love out children or not to love them?

In the wild, I do not think that a cat can reach age of 4 years. Snakes, leopards, diseases. We remove all these when we guard a cat in our warm homes. But the Law says that any path on Earth has a beginning and an end. So the Law commands as to play the role of leopards, snakes or diseases. The Law ask us to replace them and set the End on Earth of a Cat. It is not our decision, it is not our will, although we may wrongly believe so.

It is like an arm thinking the arm writes words, but in fact the brain is the one which command the arm to write. Arm does not decide what to write, but the brain. We are the arms, not the brain.

And where is no decision, there is no guilt.

+++

My hugs to human guardian, my tears to Honorable Sweet Girl the Cat!

 

[di and bob]

She was 17 years old and you yourself know her blood tests levels were off. You did all you could, and more than most, she did not suffer for a long time and I'm sure she thanks you for that. Cats are so very good about hiding illnesses. Until it is past the point of help. Heroic measures at that stage may prolong life a little while but are not a cure and in the meantime the suffering goes on.
Listen to your vet. They have much experience in this area, and can sense when it is time to let go, that is why they give it as an option. Your precious little girl was geriatric, in poor health, and most likely would not have survived prolonged, rigorous treatments. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow and she answered a call to follow a new path, just as each and every one of us will in time. It hurts, it hurts so very bad when they leave us. I know it is impossible right now, but try not to dwell on her end. She does not want that for those she loves so very much. Just as you would want for her if you were the first to go, remember her in happier times. Treasure your memories, they will bring you comfort as you form a new life order that is richer because she shared your past and brought so much joy and happiness into your life. To have never known her at all would have been tragic.
She is as near as your thoughts and prayers. She lives on through you and your family now, because she is a part of your souls. Send her happy thoughts for having known her, loved her, not tears and sadness, because those loving thoughts will bring her peace. Keep busy and do not let all those should haves, could haves rule your life. They change nothing and bring nothing but heartache.
Do not think that you weren't right besides her when she passed, your love was there all the time, it was a part of her too, wrapping her in warmth and giving her courage to face the inevitable."Death cannot take that which never dies", hold onto that and know it for the truth it brings, because your love for her never will. Do not let her death overshadow her life, be more important. It is but a fleeting moment in what she brought to you. Celebrate her life and lift it to where it belongs, as a important part of your life, a treasured chapter that was important indeed.
I'm so sorry for your pain, I know it well.... time is the only thing that helps, time and the support of others who share your feelings. Your daughter is at the age that she now understands that death is permanent, she will need your guidance and support through this. She needs to know that life goes on, that loss is a part of life but we should not let it darken the joy and wonder of life itself, because this time on earth is what we are blessed with. We need to be grateful for every day that is given to us, and live each and every moment to its fullest potential. Seek the happiness in life, not drown in sorrow.
Because love is spiritual, the bond you have with that sweetheart is eternal. She would be the last one to want to bring pain into your life. Because that is what love is, only wanting the best in life for those we love.
My heart goes out to you, I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourselves, she had 17 years of happiness and love, and now an eternity to send you her love..... RIP beautiful little girl. You will never be forgotten, you will forever have a secure place in loving hearts. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Maria Bayote]

I have been chopping onions since morning and cannot find that tissue box!

I am so sorry for your loss. It is heartbreaking. I cannot find the right words to say, as there are no right words. Hang in there. Find comfort to the thought that your loved pet is now free from pain and suffering. Again, I am so sincerely sorry.

 

[di and bob]

How are you doing? I know how hard this is, I hope you know you can come here anytime to talk, we are always here......,

 

[foxxycat]

I'm so sorry for your loss. No you didn't do anything wrong. Your girl lived a wonderful long life with you and your children. What a gift to give to a little kitty!! Every kitty wishes for a home like yours. You took care of her. Made sure she got medical care when needed. Unfortunately they get to the point where they won't get better. Trying to continue treatments after a point will only cause distress to both parties. She knows you love her. She knows you did all you could. Each little heart we hold close gives us a chance to learn more. As each kitty and doggie we get, we learn more about health and wellbeing. We can't be expected to know everything all the time. I'm sorry you are struggling with self doubt but know that you did the last greatest gift you can give to her. You loved her enough to release her from suffering.

We will suffer for a time after the death of a beloved member of the family. Be it kitty, doggie, horsie, rabbit etc. They enrich our lives and give us memories to sustain us through the next chapter in our lives. Allow yourself to grieve. Let yourself cry and think about her but as was mentioned above don't only think about her last day as a focus point, think about her long life with you. Think of all the precious moments. Every Christmas. Every spring. Summer. The changes in the seasons. Try to take heart that this hurt wont be forever. I promise. It will lessen with time. It won't go away completely but you will find it's like a companion...you will visit it every now and then but be happy from your memories. Know that 17 years together is a very good life.

Run Free at the Bridge sweet One. You are Loved.