Struggling & Need Closure

[Tilly206]

Hello,

I am really struggling. I lost my cat 7 months ago now, but feel I haven’t moved on much at all in terms of dealing with what’s happened and it’s really taking its toll on me physically and mentally (hair/weight loss and panic attacks). I have been meaning to post here for a while but haven’t been strong enough to get it out until now..

Im trying to keep this brief but its so multi faceted as tied up in hurt, doubts and guilt in many ways so Il try to be as clear as possible. I’d really appreciate honest opinions and any suggestions from anyone in the know (dr or a vet would be amazing).

* To save me rewriting the whole story; here’s my original thread (the story continues on page 2 of the thread), with me doubting things..

Struggling After Loss & Dealing With Guilt *

My reason for all this hurt very much lies in the fact that when I requested the vets notes after my cat was PTS to find out what had happened.. I was so upset at the wording. The vet states reasons for euthanasia suggestion- that she felt Sooty wouldn’t be stabilised easily or have a good quality of life but she also said “costs are a concern and she would need intensive care treatment to get through this”

At the time the vet recommended having her PTS, I was told fluid was building faster than they could drain it and she wasn’t progressing (although the notes state that her RR rate improved on lasix) but she was getting flatter and had pale mucous membranes etc and it was kinder to let her go. My partner asked if they could please do anything else to help her but the vet said “no, it’s kinder to let her go now”. So we did what we felt was right for Sooty, without further question or research as we believed she was passing away and there was no other choice. Let me point out, that I feel this vet is a good, kind lady, I didn’t doubt her effort or question her work, I think the euthanasia suggestion was for genuine reasons but maybe not the reasons I had wanted?

I contacted my vet very upset as I worried I had inadvertently made her thinks costs were an issue.
On the day at the original consultation, the vet said Sooty “didn’t sound too good”- she would guess a “mass or heart failure” but needed an X-Ray to find out. I cried because I worried Sooty had cancer or was simply getting old and near to passing- No heart issue was ever detected in her life and she didn’t seem like she was struggling to breathe at any point (I didn’t know exactly what ‘heart failure’ was at that point but thought that was irrelevant). I thought it’d maybe turn out to be cancer or an infection and I’d be returning to collect her that day, with some meds. She seemed fine that morning, perked up a lot from the eve before.. which makes this all the more surreal.

After agreeing to her X-Ray, I asked how much it was, I said “I’m sorry to make cost sound like a factor” (meaning, sorry to ask the price, it doesn’t mean I won’t be getting the X-Ray) but before I could finish about why I was asking the cost (wanted to know if I needed to bring credit card on my return to get Sooty), she interjected that cost was a factor and that Sooty was very old. I said “I didn’t mean it like that, I’d do anything for her”, but I never properly finished explaining as was keen to get Sooty checked ASAP. I now worry that she felt I meant that I wasn’t going to get the X-Ray if it was too much ££ or wasn’t that willing to pay over X amount for treatment.

When we spoke, she said she hadn’t misunderstood me at all- her and the nurses felt that I would do anything for her/could tell she was a loved cat (I had agreed to treatment and ICU stay after the thoracentesis request by phone). She said she had to make the call herself not to put her in ICU as she knew I was going to do anything and I’d have spent a lot of money but she felt it’d be the same outcome. She felt Sooty was passing when we were on the way to have her PTS, or would’ve passed within 1-2 days in ICU.

She said the wording ‘costs a concern’ was something she sometimes writes for people that don’t have insurance (we didn’t have insurance by choice as Sooty’s age and existing condition, preferred to use credit card or savings for treatments. But in order to have treatment, you are asked if you have insurance before signing the form) or could’ve been a mistake when writing notes later on, having forgotten all the details.
Her response seemed genuine but now I am so caught up in trying to solve what happened, if my baby would have made it had I asked more/pushed for more monitoring or stressed the fact that I’d be willing to pay anything. I am so upset with myself for asking the cost, as I feel this has cost my baby her life. The vet only gave us 1 option- to put to sleep. Had she given us the option for ICU treatment, we would’ve paid anything! She was my baby for 17 years, I am so distraught.

Since the terrible day Sooty was PTS, I have been trying to solve what happened as her case seemed different to other cases of HCM/CHF (Heart Disease causing heart wall thickening / Congestive heart failure- pleural effusion)

Wondering why every case I read/info online shows cats surviving and being treated for CHF. Even cats that seem to present in a much worse respiratory distressed state than Sooty.

Upon consultation, Sooty had a slightly low temp (36.2oC), normal range heart rate and increased respiratory rate (52). She had an x-ray and thoracentesis- vet notes either fibrin or mass as difficult to remove fluid. Ultrasound confirmed some fluid pockets, pleural fluid was blood tinged and foamy; but not tested. Ultrasound confirmed pockets of fluid and thickened heart (hcm caused by her *treated for 18 months* hyperthyroidism most likely) I’ve done so much research I’ve driven myself a bit crazy-

**May need to be a Dr to understand this lot?** seems to be a ‘located pleural effusion’, (pockets either caused by infection or by the pleural space becoming inflamed, causing ‘modified transudate’ and later causing pockets to form)??

I have copies of her thyroid blood test from November 2017 (approx 4 months before she was PTS)- her thyroid and liver values all within normal ranges.

White blood cell count- all low.. tech stated to check for leukopenia (I didn’t know this)

Platelet count- low

(She was on thyronorm oral solution for thyroid- I’ve read that can cause low wbc?)

When she went in for a dental under anaesthetic after this blood test (Nov 2017), the results threw up low platelets. But seemed fine on slide. All other results were apparently fine.

If anyone has managed to make it this far, thank you so much and any comments would be a great help to me. I feel I can’t approach my vet to ask anymore about why this case is different to any others I’ve read about. All I want is come closure or theory as to what happened.

If anyone has any medical knowledge and can comment on the results or what happened, I’d appreciate it.

Thank you

 

[Furballsmom]

Hello -
I'm so so sorry you are having such a difficult time.

I don't have medical knowledge, but I am familiar with many situations where the advice that is given is to speak with the vet who is familiar with the cat, in order to find out what that vet would do if the cat belonged to him/her.

You said she is a kind, caring and compassionate person, which leads me to wonder if, cost completely to the side, she may not have felt that putting your cat through further invasive procedures, vet visits, possible lengthy stays in the clinic away from the home environment, et al, was something that would have been a good thing from the perspective of quality of life.

Maybe, hopefully, this will help you. I don't recall it being posted in your other thread.
Grieving

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Sooty, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

After reading this through twice, and then a third time, I am...at a loss. My instinct tells me that I believe to the bottom of my heart that your decision was the right one, and that the vet advised you based on her best intuition about the outcome of this. Sooty was elderly, and they bounce back slower and for shorter periods of time. The vet may not have wanted to get Sooty into a pattern of ever-shortening "good periods," with ever-lengthening periods of misery. It is, in my opinion, far, far better to act "too soon" than too late, and subject a beloved family member to misery where no clear cure is possible. God knows, I would love that the same mercy were legal for humans. I would ask for it for myself.

But regardless, know this...Sooty KNOWS how much you loved her during her life, and love her still. She KNOWS that you acted in her best interest given the information you had at the time. She KNOWS that you would have moved the earth for her if she could have been truly "well" again. And she blesses you for helping her shrug off her heavey coat of flesh and fur, allowing her to dance on sunlight, free and healthy and whole. Her only sorrow now is your misplaced guilt. You did well. You acted for her interests while breaking your own heart. What more could you have done, my Friend? What more?

 

[les26]

I don't know about all of the medical talk but I do know that after Simon and Sebastian passed away a few years ago I pretty much "lost faith" in blood tests, both of them had them and we were told the results were "great" yet they still passed from various illnesses. And a few weeks ago my father in law had MANY blood tests and a hematologist told him "I don't believe it is anything really serious" based on the blood work yet here he now was told a week ago that he has pancreatic cancer, lung cancer and a brain tumor, so I don't take much stock in some tests anymore.

But I am sure that the vet would've been upfront with you and if there was a slight chance Sooty would've lived and had quality of life they would've talked more with you about it. I think perhaps it is still the grief talking and hitting you later, when Sebastian died in my arms it took me quite awhile to "get over it" or should I say accept and be able to deal with it, and a psychologist friend and a pastor told me it takes a good 1.5 YEARS until we can truly deal with it so I think you at 7 months are still in the throes of grief and it will do that to you, you loved so deeply that you are still questioning if you did the right things or not, but it sounds like you did, but grief and depression will cause you to have repetitive negative thoughts and that is normal.

When I was in the throes of despair I was told by a friend of mine who works at a local health food store to take the herb Holy Basil, she used it when dealing with stress and I did and it really helped as it helps your body and mind deal with stress, it gives you a calmer mind to think, you know that the stress is still there yet you can handle it much better. I had no side effects from it, took it here and there for a bit and still take it from time to time under stressful periods like I am in now, you might want to check into it and get a good brand of it and give it a try.

I hope that you feel better soon, I understand how things like this from the past can "haunt" us, I hope that you feel better and come to peace with it soon, God Bless.....

 

[Tilly206]

I don't have medical knowledge, but I am familiar with many situations where the advice that is given is to speak with the vet who is familiar with the cat, in order to find out what that vet would do if the cat belonged to him/her.

I spoke to the manager who called me after I requested blood test results.
She told me that the vet had said that if it were her cat she’d have done the same.

My worry is that, I was told *nothing* could be done (and as I said above, I had no idea exactly what heart failure was until after all this) . Had I been told there was even a slight chance, I’d have definitely tried. To then read that costs are a concern and she will need intensive care treatment to get through- implies to me, that if costs weren’t a concern.. maybe we would try?!
I’ve read so much online about cats in CHF, where the vet recommends euthanasia but the owner disagrees and then the cat bounces back. This is why I’m suffering from so much guilt. I feel I let her go without an opportunity to live, but I had no idea.

Sooty was old but she was very active and happy cat. I often forgot she was so old.

Mamanyt and Les, thanks so much for your messages. I appreciate a different perspective as I get stuck in my own thoughts of how I failed Sooty after 17 years.. didn’t even ask exactly what happened. I put this down to being in shock and being told no more could be done. But after reading all about CHF and treatment possibilities, I hate myself for not pushing.

Les- I will look into the Holy Basil, thank you. I have been taking Bach’s Rescue flower Remedy- not sure if you have that in the US and I’m not sure if it’s just a placebo, but either way.. I think it helps.

 

[di and bob]

I am an RN and understand your medical records, I have seen them often concerning human patients. The term transudate concerned me very much. This is caused by leaking from the blood vessels themselves, and in this case in the lungs, caused pockets to form from the excess fluid. Her respiratory rate was high, indicating that the pockets and the fluid were invading her lung space and literally causing her to lose breathing ability, drowning. I suppose high doses of Lasix could get rid of some of that fluid, but what does that do to the blood pressure/ability to function of an already failing heart that caused the problem in the first place? It is a delicate balance of specialized care and many combinations of drugs, which in the end often only prolong the misery for a very short period of time, and at what cost to the patient themselves? These meds and treatments DO NOT BRING A CURE.....they, for a very short period, keep someone alive, but the underlying issue is still there and will only get worse. At what cost is it worth? And since the patient themselves are unable to speak for themselves, someone else decides what to do. I have held the hands of so many, who cry "I pray every night to die, why won't He take me?" while we, the caregivers, keep the pain alive by keeping the patient alive, when there is no cure. There comes a time when the physical pain and misery of existing is more than anyone can bear. Your vet stated what she did, because she has been through this many times, she has seen the results, she has witnessed the suffering. And the end result is always the same, none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, but we can make decisions about how long to prolong the pain and suffering of our loved ones when life is becomes an existence full of suffering.
Grief is making you go crazy with all these self doubts, all these should haves could haves. I know, because I have been there too. It took me literally years to function once more after I caused my Chrissy's death. I have cried an ocean full of teras, I have bargained with God to give me that day over, but going over all these should haves, could haves changes absolutely nothing. except the one thing I know for certain...Sooty would NEVER want you to go through all this. She loves you too much and it pains her to know she is bringing so much pain into your life. She is as near as your thoughts and prayers. So send her thoughts of love and joy in life. Because she is now living through you. Keep your mind busy with the good things in life, not trying to change what can never be. You have been through a horrible mental shock, you will never get over it, but one day you will learn to live with it. Get on with your life, it is much too short to spend in misery, to purposely bring more pain into it. There is enough already there. One day at a time. Sooty will always be in your heart, you have a love that you will share for eternity and beyond. Let her memory bring you joy, as it should be, and it will be as she wants for the one she loves above all else. i'll pray for you both.....

 

[Kflowers]

"I’ve read so much online about cats in CHF, where the vet recommends euthanasia but the owner disagrees and then the cat bounces back."

You are finding these stories, and I'm certain they are true, but they are giving you a skewed sense of the reality. The stories you aren't reading, because no one posts them, are the ones where days spent alone and in the ICU didn't work, where the meds only helped for a day and death came in the night without the peace of the vet's intervention. Those stories aren't posted.

You made the right decision. Your guilt is created by an unfortunate administrative phrase, not reality, not your vet's belief.

You did the best that could be done, you saved Sooty from a painful and difficult death. Death isn't the end, it is the beginning.

 

[candie]

I don't have medical knowledge but I had gone through many vet visits and finding out it was cancer and no outliok of getting better I had to do what i had to do. It was heartbreaking and was overwhelmed with grief but it gets better. You should read signs in this thread.


I got many dream visitations and a sign she is with my other cat that died in 2007. I even saw her spirit for a very short time but think my fear made me stop seeing her spirit. But I will believe that she is alive in the afterlife

 

[Tilly206]

I am an RN and understand your medical records, I have seen them often concerning human patients. The term transudate concerned me very much. This is caused by leaking from the blood vessels themselves, and in this case in the lungs, caused pockets to form from the excess fluid. Her respiratory rate was high, indicating that the pockets and the fluid were invading her lung space and literally causing her to lose breathing ability, drowning. I suppose high doses of Lasix could get rid of some of that fluid, but what does that do to the blood pressure/ability to function of an already failing heart that caused the problem in the first place? It is a delicate balance of specialized care and many combinations of drugs, which in the end often only prolong the misery for a very short period of time, and at what cost to the patient themselves? These meds and treatments DO NOT BRING A CURE.....they, for a very short period, keep someone alive, but the underlying issue is still there and will only get worse. At what cost is it worth? And since the patient themselves are unable to speak for themselves, someone else decides what to do. I have held the hands of so many, who cry "I pray every night to die, why won't He take me?" while we, the caregivers, keep the pain alive by keeping the patient alive, when there is no cure. There comes a time when the physical pain and misery of existing is more than anyone can bear. Your vet stated what she did, because she has been through this many times, she has seen the results, she has witnessed the suffering. And the end result is always the same, none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, but we can make decisions about how long to prolong the pain and suffering of our loved ones when life is becomes an existence full of suffering.
Grief is making you go crazy with all these self doubts, all these should haves could haves. I know, because I have been there too. It took me literally years to function once more after I caused my Chrissy's death. I have cried an ocean full of teras, I have bargained with God to give me that day over, but going over all these should haves, could haves changes absolutely nothing. except the one thing I know for certain...Sooty would NEVER want you to go through all this. She loves you too much and it pains her to know she is bringing so much pain into your life. She is as near as your thoughts and prayers. So send her thoughts of love and joy in life. Because she is now living through you. Keep your mind busy with the good things in life, not trying to change what can never be. You have been through a horrible mental shock, you will never get over it, but one day you will learn to live with it. Get on with your life, it is much too short to spend in misery, to purposely bring more pain into it. There is enough already there. One day at a time. Sooty will always be in your heart, you have a love that you will share for eternity and beyond. Let her memory bring you joy, as it should be, and it will be as she wants for the one she loves above all else. i'll pray for you both.....

Thanks so much for your wise response, it really helps me a lot. I’m sorry to hear that you have been through similar feelings about Chrissy. I still have those feelings right now. I wish I could have one more chance.

The fluid I talked about is what you described yes, (CHF/pleural effusion)but we had no confirmation on it being transudate or exudate as it wasn’t tested. I did ask to have it tested after her passing but they didn’t have the sample any more unfortunately.

The vet felt the CHF was most likely caused by her enlarged heart- HCM, caused by her hyperT (symptoms, ultrasound, x-Ray).

From my research, heart failure causes a transudate (clear fluid), unless modified/infected/trauma. The fact that it was blood tinged and foamy makes me concerned it was exudative in nature and maybe caused by something else that could’ve been treated! Thoracentesis can cause blood tinged pleural fluid, but not sure on the foamyness.
I spoke to another vet who is training in cardiology, she told me that she felt there could’ve been something else (from my research into the fluid pockets). I didn’t want to say as I was hoping someone here could have a matching theory.

The fact that she seemed ‘OK’ that morning haunts me! I was expecting something minor, to bring her home with us, we didn’t get to say goodbye properly, cuddle her, comfort her. My family said bye to her then i was with her and it was all over in 10 mins (including the goodbye).. it’s just surreal. I know there would have been no cure for HCM/CHF- just management until we felt the time had come. But nothing had ever been detected with her heart (murmur), so I worry.. what if she did have an enlarged heart but what if something else sent her into CHF, but we will never know as the fluid wasn’t tested and I didn’t push for answers/testing to find out. It’s all a mess to be honest but I really appreciate your great reply.

 

[Tilly206]

"I’ve read so much online about cats in CHF, where the vet recommends euthanasia but the owner disagrees and then the cat bounces back."

You are finding these stories, and I'm certain they are true, but they are giving you a skewed sense of the reality. The stories you aren't reading, because no one posts them, are the ones where days spent alone and in the ICU didn't work, where the meds only helped for a day and death came in the night without the peace of the vet's intervention. Those stories aren't posted.

You made the right decision. Your guilt is created by an unfortunate administrative phrase, not reality, not your vet's belief.

You did the best that could be done, you saved Sooty from a painful and difficult death. Death isn't the end, it is the beginning.

I agree with your first paragraph, very much along the lines of my partners thoughts of looking into other cases.

Thinking of the simplest way to put this to express myself..

Had we been told she had a terminal illness and all the tests been done. Had both options explained to us realistically and made the decision based on those tests/our own thought processes- I think I’d feel content with the outcome.(I felt content with the outcome at first because the vet told us that she couldn’t do any more and no progress was made)

To then receive the vets notes, after no thorough tests to find the cause, with her theory based on symptoms/x ray and ultrasound, to find out there was some improvement when we had been told there was no progress, to read that costs are a concern and her needing intensive care (which we agreed to)- all of those things sew seeds of doubt and make me feel as if the vet felt we couldn’t continue with the aftercare costs required.

The situation- CHF, very far from ideal.. but there may have been light at the end of the tunnel, cats often live for months- 2 years or more once CHF sets in. If I’d have known this, my actions may have been different. The outcome may have been different.

At this point, I won’t get closure on what made her case different and what led her to have fluid pockets forming.. this is the mystery that I’d love to have solved.

 

[Kflowers]

I see, I'm sorry for that. Have you considered writing to a vet school and asking about the fluid pockets?

 

[Tilly206]

I see, I'm sorry for that. Have you considered writing to a vet school and asking about the fluid pockets?

No but I have spoken to a senior vet at the practice who is training in cardiology. I told her my concerns.. and she gave me two theories, but without further testing, we will never know what happened for sure.

From my own research, fluid pockets will form when either- the transudate fluid (CHF) is standing for some time, causing inflammation to the pleura and can become what’s known as a ‘modified transudate’ with protein build up etc and fibrin can build up, creating pockets.
Or - when there’s an exudate (infection, traumatic injury etc) which start off more protein rich, so the same process occurs as the body tries to repair the problem.

I just feel that this case of CHF/HCM is different to a lot of others I’ve read about. It’s hard not to have the ‘why her?’ feelings or ‘what if’.

 

[di and bob]

I know how hard it is to want with your very soul to have that period of time to 'do over.' The words IF ONLY can cause a longing and more anguish than will ever be known except to the person experiencing them. I came to the point that I know now that I would have thrown myself in front of that car that killed my little one.....but eventually realized that going back over that time in my life will not bring her back and only results in more pain to an already broken heart.
You cannot change the past. Believe me, I would advise you how if I could have found that myself. I was lost in it for years. What has happened is a part of you past and you can do nothing to change it. You are struggling with all this because you do not want to accept what happened, you want to understand exactly what happened, know if the outcome could have been changed, and want to change the outcome itself. If it helps to bring peace to your heart continue on your search, but what I have found over the years is that without concrete proof and extensive, expensive tests to confirm a diagnosis, a cause of death, nothing is gained except a grieving heart that never ends. Right now the not knowing is tearing you apart. Try to concentrate on the fact that chances are nothing could have been done to change the outcome. The condition of the heart was too much for your little one, treatment and even early intervention would have only bought a little time, and most likely prolonged suffering, not brought on a cure.
For me, what really helped is concentrating on those I had left in my life. To change my priorities from the past to the right now. It saved my sanity. I couldn't do anything about the past, but I had control over today and molding my future. New little ones that needed me came into my life and distracted me from my pain. I fought it, but over time allowed myself to live again, to open up again. Time itself is the only thing that truly works, because I learned over time that the only thing I know for certain is the love we had for each other will never die, and that love means she would never want me to have my joy in life die with her. Because that is what love is......

 

[Tilly206]

I know how hard it is to want with your very soul to have that period of time to 'do over.' The words IF ONLY can cause a longing and more anguish than will ever be known except to the person experiencing them. I came to the point that I know now that I would have thrown myself in front of that car that killed my little one.....but eventually realized that going back over that time in my life will not bring her back and only results in more pain to an already broken heart.
You cannot change the past. Believe me, I would advise you how if I could have found that myself. I was lost in it for years. What has happened is a part of you past and you can do nothing to change it. You are struggling with all this because you do not want to accept what happened, you want to understand exactly what happened, know if the outcome could have been changed, and want to change the outcome itself. If it helps to bring peace to your heart continue on your search, but what I have found over the years is that without concrete proof and extensive, expensive tests to confirm a diagnosis, a cause of death, nothing is gained except a grieving heart that never ends. Right now the not knowing is tearing you apart. Try to concentrate on the fact that chances are nothing could have been done to change the outcome. The condition of the heart was too much for your little one, treatment and even early intervention would have only bought a little time, and most likely prolonged suffering, not brought on a cure.
For me, what really helped is concentrating on those I had left in my life. To change my priorities from the past to the right now. It saved my sanity. I couldn't do anything about the past, but I had control over today and molding my future. New little ones that needed me came into my life and distracted me from my pain. I fought it, but over time allowed myself to live again, to open up again. Time itself is the only thing that truly works, because I learned over time that the only thing I know for certain is the love we had for each other will never die, and that love means she would never want me to have my joy in life die with her. Because that is what love is......

Thank you so much for your message. I will never be able to put into words how much you have helped me with your couple of posts. I really appreciate your time spent and understanding and you made some very valid points.

 

[di and bob]

You are so very welcome. i know how much this affects a life, and anything I have found that helps I want to pass on....

 

[foxxycat]

Tilly206 I'm late to the party as usual (eyeroll!) But I too dealt with a complex problem with my angel Pumps. She was let go this weekend. We had no clue she was in heart failure. I started a thread about her in this area. I too doubted myself. Thought maybe I should have let them ultrasound her or xray her. But I knew it wouldn't fix it. At the time I felt she was suffering and I didn't want to know what was wrong. I knew something bad was happening. Shed declined in the past 3 days alot faster than I had experience with. I often said I should have let them do the tests but anothrr side of me knew it wouldn't change anything. If she was in heart failure or a valve failure there really isn't much that can be done that would bring her back.

I hope you get to the place where you are at peace with your decision. I know it will take some time. It's a shock to loose our babies. I know if I could I would have moved mountains for Pumps. But it wasn't to be. I wanted to give you some hugs and words of comfort. I know we second guess ourselves. And Di is correct. All it does it have us relive the pain all over again. Our babies don't want us to hurt so much.

The only thing we can do is take what we learn medically and apply it for the next animals in our care. We have to accept the things we can't change. And work to be at peace. I know we cant be expected to know everything there is to know medically about our animals all at once. These things are learned over time. We learn from one another.
I hope the past few days have given you some peace with things. Di is very wise and we are lucky to have such a knowledgeable member here to help us understand the scientific process behind the health issues. I know deep down she's (pumps) is in a better place even if it breaks my heart.

Sending you hugs for peace and know you are not alone. Your vet did the best she could. I'm so sorry again for your loss.

Run free at the Bridge Sooty along with my Pumps and all the others who we have lost.

 

[Tilly206]

Tilly206 I'm late to the party as usual (eyeroll!) But I too dealt with a complex problem with my angel Pumps. She was let go this weekend. We had no clue she was in heart failure. I started a thread about her in this area. I too doubted myself. Thought maybe I should have let them ultrasound her or xray her. But I knew it wouldn't fix it. At the time I felt she was suffering and I didn't want to know what was wrong. I knew something bad was happening. Shed declined in the past 3 days alot faster than I had experience with. I often said I should have let them do the tests but anothrr side of me knew it wouldn't change anything. If she was in heart failure or a valve failure there really isn't much that can be done that would bring her back.

I hope you get to the place where you are at peace with your decision. I know it will take some time. It's a shock to loose our babies. I know if I could I would have moved mountains for Pumps. But it wasn't to be. I wanted to give you some hugs and words of comfort. I know we second guess ourselves. And Di is correct. All it does it have us relive the pain all over again. Our babies don't want us to hurt so much.

The only thing we can do is take what we learn medically and apply it for the next animals in our care. We have to accept the things we can't change. And work to be at peace. I know we cant be expected to know everything there is to know medically about our animals all at once. These things are learned over time. We learn from one another.
I hope the past few days have given you some peace with things. Di is very wise and we are lucky to have such a knowledgeable member here to help us understand the scientific process behind the health issues. I know deep down she's (pumps) is in a better place even if it breaks my heart.

Sending you hugs for peace and know you are not alone. Your vet did the best she could. I'm so sorry again for your loss.

Run free at the Bridge Sooty along with my Pumps and all the others who we have lost.

Im sorry to hear that you lost Pumps. I read your thread, she was a beautiful little lady. Thank you for your post xx

 

[rosegold]

I know it’s been a bit since you made the post and I hope you are feeling a bit better... Everyone has already given you very wise and wonderful advice. I can really resonate with how you are feeling and I’m so, so sorry, because I know it is such a huge amount of pain to bear. I’m so sorry you lost Sooty in this painful way and I know you must miss her immensely. The deep love you had for her is crystal clear and beautiful.

I had to put my beloved Chai to sleep just a few weeks ago and every single day, constantly, and probably for the rest of my life, I struggle with the guilt and lack of closure. I go over all the details on repeat in my head and question, whether I could’ve done/said something differently that might have saved her. It is agonizing.

In my experience, I think sometimes we blame ourselves just to assign some closure to a situation that is otherwise heartbreakingly unresolved. If we can identify a cause or reason (be it a person or a thing or an event), then there is some target for our grief and pain and anger. I certainly blame myself sometimes, even though Chai never would or would want me to. I think it’s because the alternative—that she just died a meaningless, incurable, unpredictable, untimely, unpreventable death and I was helpless to save her—is something infinitely more painful. Having to physically make the decision to euthanize is a whole other layer of trauma, too.

But regardless of anything else, please know you really did the best thing for her. You loved your baby and letting her go before she was in too much pain is absolutely an act of purest love. No one could ever blame you for that. You made the most loving choice you could make with the best information you had, and she 100% forgives and thanks you for it. You didn’t fail Sooty. You gave her a wonderful life and then freed her from suffering. Every moment of her life was blessed by you. What a beautiful world we would live in if everyone loved one another as unselfishly and deeply as you loved your kitty.

These are all the things I am trying to tell myself every day, too. All we can do is love them and, even when we lose them, try to love ourselves as they did.

Try to take good care of yourself. There’s no time limit on grief. I have been having panic attacks as well as a result of Chai’s death and it can be extremely taxing. I’m sorry I don’t have better practical advice for you. I just want to let you know that I feel you, and that I fervently second all the wonderful kind things that the other member have said already. You didn’t fail your baby. You loved her, both the emotion and in every act. And she loves you and thanks you for it.