Still Missing My Zombi

[coffeechick]

It's been a rough week for me.

Zombi was my stability for almost fourteen years. She kept me going. She got me through the darkness, and then, on Christmas last year, it all changed, and I was trying to save her. To do for her what she did for me every day of her life.

And I feel like I failed.

We probably could have kept her okay with the kidney disease and heart problems, but the cancer saw an opening and just burned through her.

And then the vet screwed up and communally cremated her.

I have some of her fur, two of her whiskers, and two teeth [I paid to have them extracted after--a questionable financial decision after everything, but not one I regret now].

But I miss her. So much.

I wish I could go back to that day in January, back to that room, and just have a bit more time.

I wish I could have what I had with her again.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Zombi, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

It is so human to feel as if we had failed in some way at times like this. Know that you did not. Cancer is, to quote "Calendar Girls," a sly, conniving, bloody disease. And it wins, too often, and we cannot fight it all the time.

As for your vet's atrocious foul-up (Lord, how I wanted to use another word that starts with the same letter), there are no words for the heartbreak of that. I am so sorry that he added insult to an injury that was so very large and fresh and raw.

I guess, what I really wanted to say with all of this is, we are here, and we care. Deeply and always.

 

[les26]

I am sorry for your loss, we all know the heartache of losing one we love so very much. It takes about 1.5 years to start to really get over these losses, so you still have some time to go yet, but we never really "get over" them we just learn to live with it and the feelings. But she lives on in your heart and memory forever, she is never really far away from you, if you tune in you will sense her spirit still with you and it always will be until you meet again someday face to face.

I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless.....

 

[coffeechick]

I'm glad there's a timeline on this. I was feeling 'behind' somehow. Delayed by the mistake that disrupted my 'process'.

I also feel bad because we adopted two new kittens. I feel bad because Zombi deserved better, because El and Morti deserve better, because they're not Zombi, because I expect them to be Zombi.

All a part of the process of loss, I'm sure.

 

[di and bob]

Zombi is secure with her own place in your heart, El and Morti will make their own place there in time. All the feelings you are going through are part of the grieving process, everyone goes there, and everyone goes their own way. We all long somehow to go back, to live once more in the yesterdays of our lives, but since we would then be in the present once more, we would still be unaware of what we came back to do. and things would still be the same. Keep the yesterdays where they belong, in the past. Do not dwell on what you cannot change, it brings nothing but heartache, instead concentrate on what it taught you and the precious gift that Zombi left you, the memories of the love she brought you, and having shared your life with her for 14 years. You did not fail her, you tried to help her and the cancer took her. You gave her a home and your love, that is all she ever wanted. You couldn't let her suffer, love is never selfish.
In time, your wounded heart will begin to heal. You will get through the pain and it will dull. It will always hurt to think of the loss in your life, but one day you will teach yourself to accept what she wants for you, her legacy of love and the joy she brought to your life, not the sadness and despair of her leaving. You would not want that for her either if you were the first to go.
In the meantime, let those two new additions to your family distract you from your sadness,sadness is a burden to your soul if you don't immerse yourself once more in the present, and open your heart to what they offer. Believe it or not, Zombi IS a part of this process, because she taught you what love is about. She dwells in your house and will always surround you and those two sweet innocents with her love and protection. Pass on her legacy as she intends for you to do, you gain so much and lose nothing. Zombi will always be number one in your affections, that won't change, but there is room for more, never to replace, but to add to. Grieve as you must, but don't let it consume you. Know there are those who have gone before you and survived. Accept the love that is in your future, it will come if you let it. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, I know the pain and the tears that never seem to end. Let the pain go, it in itself is like a cancer to your soul. Fill your mind with the happy times, they far outweigh the bad. When the bad times come, banish them by concentrating on doing good in your little girl's name, and live one day at a time in the present, for your sweet girl.

 

[FrogQueen]

I just wanted to say that your story reminds me of mine. I lost my Merlin in May, after only 1.5 years. His life and love changed me, and his death changed me even more. Just this week I got 2 new kittens. They are wonderful and occupy my time and attention like I wanted, but they are so very very different than my Merlin. I miss him so much. I just wanted you to know you're not the only one.

 

[coffeechick]

FrogQueen:

The differences are awful because I want what I had. Not fair, but true.

The similarities hurt too.

El's normal 'hihi so excited to exist' meow sounds just like Zombi's 'help me I'm stuck/hurt/afraid' meow.

Which works out great for El, since she can wake me up in a second just by bellowing a greeting in my face.

 

[cassiopea]

I'm so sorry for your loss It is understandably difficult.

Don't overwhelm yourself with "What If's", cancer is a narly beast, you didn't fail her. You clearly did all you could, you did well. And don't feel guilty either, for getting new kitties, for moving on, for anticipating things. And for sure, it is all part of the normal mourning process; there is no "right" way to mourn, and you are just going through the usual motions. And that is totally fine. Eventually things will change and get better. The comparisons will go away, just have to start with baby steps of not comparing in the first place.

El and Morti will be fulfilling and love you just like Zombi did, and will be equally loved and important in return. They will never replace Zombi, they will just be their own selves separately - different but equally significant.

Condolences from all of us R.I.P you beautiful Zombi. She will always, always be with you. And without a doubt she absolutely loves her new family members, El and Morti and is watching over them too. Zombi would never want you to be miserable, she would be happy that you loved again and are making a new set of kitties content, well fed, sheltered and healthy.

 

[coffeechick]

I was just trying to figure out how to word something about how the size of a cat, and their years, are disproportionate to the impression they leave.

El showed up in one of her erratic, ultra-lovey moods, parked her butt in my face, and kneaded my stomach.

The impressions cats leave.

 

[zed xyzed]

I think you did everything you could for your dear friend, RIP sweet Zombi