So much guilt, it's honestly tearing me apart

Gothicpumpkinfairy

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Hi everyone,

I originally came to this aite for some advice about a living cat my husband and I have. But I found this little part and wanted to talk about another cat. A cat we chose to put down.

Her name is Harley. That's her photo as my avatar. She was a sweet little old lady. She was 16 in that photo. My husband had her before he moved in with me and I love her so much.

He does as well. Thinking of her breaks my heart all over again, just when I think Im okay enough to try and think about her...I want to cry. When my husband and his two cats and his little dog came here everything was okay.

Harley was her normal self. Always staying away from people, unless it was mainly my husband or I. She would only lay on me when I laid down in bed. I have been told she never laid on anyone before I came along.

My husband said it must because Im so comfy and warm. She liked the warm(s). She had no front claws having been declawed before he and I had gotten her. My husband had known her since she was just a tiny baby.

She was the runt of her litter and very sick. The previous owner allowed her in as my husband was living with him at the time. It was so she could have a warm and safe place to pass of the rainbow bridge. But she fought and won!

She was a small fighter. The previous owner was my husband's brother in law. Though in all honesty I dont think it was his idea to declaw her. I think it was my husband's sister who is...um...no longer in the picture. Long drama filled story.

Harley was the sweetest. You had to let her approach you. She hated being picked up randomly, but usually allowed me to do it without much of a fuss.

She had a cute little squeeky meow, and a loud purr like growl. She never hissed or bit. But when she was happy and content ahe would do what we called her massages. Especially on the knees. Since she had no claws it didnt hurt but rather tickled when she would use you as a scratching post.

Sadly we chose to put her down at 17. In March of this year actually. My husband had to pick her up from being cremated on his birthday.

She had begun to go potty infront of our back door. Which we did everything to figure out why and try to detere it. But nothing worked.

We didnt mind too much as she was old and we knew she quite possibly wouldnt last much longer.

One day my husband called me when I was grocery shopping and asked if I had seen her. He was paniced. I told him no, completely confused. He wouldnt tell me what was going on and it really scared me.

I get home and he immediately comes to meet me in our livingroom as he had been cleaning up a room. I was seriously freaked out.

Finally he looks at me and says do not panic. He picks up Harley and hesitantly shows me her face.

There on her little forehead right in the middle above her eyes was this huge knot thing. It jutted out to the point it pulled her skin away and..and...I...I cannot go much more into detail.

I dont want to gross out or upset anyone. She had literally been fine not long before me seeing her.

To say I almost had a panic attack is an understatement. He had to help me remain calm. Poor sweet Harley. She didnt seem to be in pain...But she was acting funny. We got her to the vet immediately. He took a look at her and said it was "possibly" an abscess. He could give her antibiotics or do surgery.

Surgery wasnt really an option at her advanced age, because we knew the risks of what could possibly happen. And we talked about the antibiotics for a while. The doctor said even with the antibiotics it could burst and we need to clean it, pack it, medicate it, and make sure she or any other animal messed with it.

Still we chose to put her down. We were very willing to do the antibiotics but hearing it could burst worries us to no end. With the location it was it in...If it had burst at some point where we could not know about it until a while after it happened it would of been bad.

It would of possibly gotten into her sweet big eyes, and caused such a mess all over her little face, and we could of hurt her even worse trying to clean it up....Not to mention she could of ended up with a serious infection even if we did everything right. I burst into sobs all over again. Just as I had on our drive to the vets. I was terrified. I kept softly saying to her, I am so sorry Harley Baby. Please forgive us. Please dont think we dont love you anymore. Please...Please...Im so sorry....

I couldnt help it. I hadnt known her that long but she was and still is so important to me. I miss her so much.

Apparently she absolutely loved olives. Her previous owner could be in the kitchen and she would be all the way on the other side of a large house. He could crack open a jar/can of olives..Turn around and jump outta his skin cause there she would be like give me all the olives! Right MEOW!

He loves her still too. They even had the same sneeze. They did not sneeze just once or twice o4 thrice...It was like 13 to 14 sneezes in a row non stop! She was so cute. Every night I still say Good Night Old Lady. And every morning I saying Good Morning Old Lady. And when I return home from somewhere I look at her ashes and go Hi Old Lady! Did you watch the house with others? Was everything good?

Then I smile, trying not to cry all over again. I know I must sound crazy. But she deserves to be treated with respect, even in death.

As all animals do.....
 

PuffandPercy

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I'm going to say this gently with absolute respect, but I see no reason for you to be guilty.

Harley had what sounds like a great life; she was given a place to pass as soon as she was born, but she lived to 16! You and your husband cared for her, and you made a very difficult choice with her best interest at heart.

It hurts to lose someone you love, and you obviously love Harley. Grief is difficult, but the majority of us understand. Take care of yourself, show yourself some of the love you have for Harley- you deserve it. It's ok to mourn her, and be upset. But remember you did the best you could :redheartpump::redheartpump::redheartpump::redheartpump:
 
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Gothicpumpkinfairy

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I'm going to say this gently with absolute respect, but I see no reason for you to be guilty.

Harley had what sounds like a great life; she was given a place to pass as soon as she was born, but she lived to 16! You and your husband cared for her, and you made a very difficult choice with her best interest at heart.

It hurts to lose someone you love, and you obviously love Harley. Grief is difficult, but the majority of us understand. Take care of yourself, show yourself some of the love you have for Harley- you deserve it. It's ok to mourn her, and be upset. But remember you did the best you could :redheartpump::redheartpump::redheartpump::redheartpump:
Thank you. I feel better getting it off my chest. She was a real sweet little old lady....I wish I could of gotten better photos of her....
 

Tik cat's mum

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I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately for us grief is full of ifs and buts. And it will take time before you can think my old lady was loved and had a good long life. That's what matters in the end. You didn't leave her suffering and it broke your heart. All of us have felt the same when faced with that hardest of decisions letting them go. I'm sure your girl wouldn't want you to be sad for her. RIP Harley. (sweet old girl) :rbheart:
 

di and bob

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It's so hard when we have to make those difficult decisions in life that leave us empty and full of sadness. You knew your girl the best. You always did what was right for her, and that horrible decision was made with her in mind.
Try not to dwell on her end, though I know at this stage in the grieving process, that is not possible to do. Time is the only thing that helps to dull the sharp edges of grief, and over time your heart will slowly begin to heal. The human soul cannot survive under such sadness and grief forever, it demands to be involved eventually once again in life, to go forward, and to seek its beauty and happiness. We are here to let you know you WILL find the strength to get through this. No one loved that little girl like you and your husband did, so it is a lonely path to travel. But one day you will realize your sweet Harley is always as close as your thoughts and prayers.
I was mired down for years mourning the death of my little one until I remembered how much she loved life, how she loved to the fullest every minute of the day. she would NEVER want me to be so disconnected, so involved with grief that I missed out on truly living. Any more than your little one would. Any more than you would want for her if you were the first to go. She shared your life's journey for a while, and though she now follows another path it will always parallel your own. The bond you built with that sweet girl can never be taken from you, it is spiritual, so eternal.
You honor her with your beautiful tribute to a life well-lived, to be remembered and loved after death is a true honor. To have known her and her sweet love is one of life's treasures. There are no truer words than " do not cry because it is gone, smile because it happened"
My heart goes out to you. Be gentle with yourself, do something that will make you feel better about yourself. Give cat food or litter to your local shelter, or pay for the adoption of the cat that has been there the longest, to enable them to find a love like the one you shared with your beautiful Harley. Take care...... RIP beautiful Harley. You will be dearly missed, you will always have secure places in loving hearts. May the good Lord bless and keep you until you meet again!
 
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Gothicpumpkinfairy

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I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately for us grief is full of ifs and buts. And it will take time before you can think my old lady was loved and had a good long life. That's what matters in the end. You didn't leave her suffering and it broke your heart. All of us have felt the same when faced with that hardest of decisions letting them go. I'm sure your girl wouldn't want you to be sad for her. RIP Harley. (sweet old girl) :rbheart:
I know. Still...I miss her something awful. Though....Sometimes I think she is still here. Just in spirit form. But I know that must sound strange.
 
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Gothicpumpkinfairy

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It's so hard when we have to make those difficult decisions in life that leave us empty and full of sadness. You knew your girl the best. You always did what was right for her, and that horrible decision was made with her in mind.
Try not to dwell on her end, though I know at this stage in the grieving process, that is not possible to do. Time is the only thing that helps to dull the sharp edges of grief, and over time your heart will slowly begin to heal. The human soul cannot survive under such sadness and grief forever, it demands to be involved eventually once again in life, to go forward, and to seek its beauty and happiness. We are here to let you know you WILL find the strength to get through this. No one loved that little girl like you and your husband did, so it is a lonely path to travel. But one day you will realize your sweet Harley is always as close as your thoughts and prayers.
I was mired down for years mourning the death of my little one until I remembered how much she loved life, how she loved to the fullest every minute of the day. she would NEVER want me to be so disconnected, so involved with grief that I missed out on truly living. Any more than your little one would. Any more than you would want for her if you were the first to go. She shared your life's journey for a while, and though she now follows another path it will always parallel your own. The bond you built with that sweet girl can never be taken from you, it is spiritual, so eternal.
You honor her with your beautiful tribute to a life well-lived, to be remembered and loved after death is a true honor. To have known her and her sweet love is one of life's treasures. There are no truer words than " do not cry because it is gone, smile because it happened"
My heart goes out to you. Be gentle with yourself, do something that will make you feel better about yourself. Give cat food or litter to your local shelter, or pay for the adoption of the cat that has been there the longest, to enable them to find a love like the one you shared with your beautiful Harley. Take care...... RIP beautiful Harley. You will be dearly missed, you will always have secure places in loving hearts. May the good Lord bless and keep you until you meet again!
Thank you for your kind words. I shall take them to heart. I am very grateful for them.
 

Tik cat's mum

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I know. Still...I miss her something awful. Though....Sometimes I think she is still here. Just in spirit form. But I know that must sound strange.
It doesn't sound strange I believe that the spirit doesn't die. When my boy Tik passed I was sure sometimes that I'd feel him jump on the bed. And when we got our kitten Bandit we said that Tik had sent him because he knew we needed another cat. That kitten looks totally different from Tik, but sometimes he acts like him so much we tell him listen up Tik cat 2, don't care what he told you behave.
 
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Gothicpumpkinfairy

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It doesn't sound strange I believe that the spirit doesn't die. When my boy Tik passed I was sure sometimes that I'd feel him jump on the bed. And when we got our kitten Bandit we said that Tik had sent him because he knew we needed another cat. That kitten looks totally different from Tik, but sometimes he acts like him so much we tell him listen up Tik cat 2, don't care what he told you behave.
Thank you. And AWWWWE! He he. The little one is taking notes, suggestions, and most importantly LESSONS from the Late GREAT Tik Cat! King of the household!

Im sorry if I seem to be mean about your sweet babies. I don't mean to come off that way. Its my way of expressing how see the situation. Tik Cat is obviously still there, and watching after you and the household. He was King of the house. And still rules over all.

He must always be on guard, and protect. He will not stop until he feels he can. And so he trains a new King to do what he did. For now Prince Bandit is in training, but soon...

SOON he shall be King and guardian!

I also like to use my imagination a bit. Sometimes it gets away from me. So I really do apologize if I offended or upset you. Or well if I did that to ANYONE here. I swear I'm not making fun. I am honestly saying what I see.

Oh! Here is are some better photos of Harley that what can be seen in my avatar. They are actually the only ones I believe I have of her...At least on my phone.

They were are taken in where my husband lived before he moved states and into the house with me. Though...I do have one of her from here at the house, but....It has my aunts dog in it.

I do not know how she would feel if I put it here so I better not. Even though it's a cute photo. It was winter time here, I live in America in the South. Usually its hotter then Heck here....But this winter was really cold.

We actually got snow! Anyway, my aunt lives with Hubby and I. She brought a small fireplace/heater that looks like an old iron fire burning stove. We had it on constantly....Infront of it we laid a little throw blanket that had been folded a bit to give softness and cushion to our hard floor.

Only one room in this house has carpet....And it seriously needs to be torn up...Anyway, Harley would lay on it and soak up the heat from the fireplace. And my aunt's dog decided he wanted to do that too.

Now he is a very spoiled and rotten little thing...But he simply walked up and curled up right next to her! Didn't growl, bark, sniff her, nudged her, or anything! Just walked up and was like circle, circle, circle, curl up next to her.

It was rather cute! I got a photo of them together like that. He seemed to search for her after we had to put her down. I think he really liked her. Though he did actually save two small kittens in the trailer park they lives before.

They followed him home after being outside to potty. Haha.y aunt said he kept looking back to make aure they were following! He groomed them, and tried to play...

He was very sweet and patient with them....But my aunt doesnt really like cats, mainly the litter and a bit of other stuff....Though he adored them. She says he searched for a long time and looked really sad and pitiful when he couldn't find or hear them after a few hours.

My aunt had called my niece and nephew's mama. She knows a lot about cats having had a lot of them over the years and because she also helps strays and feral colonies....Every now and then when a kitten appears on tv and makes noise he perks up and looks around.....
 

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