Silver, my beautiful baby boy

lesleigh

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My snugglebunch Silver died January 13th. I think I can finally write about it without screaming or punching the sofa.
He was diagnosed with a 1.3 cm lung tumor on 2/15/22. I got x-rays every two months to check it. It had grown to 1.6 in July and then not at all on 9/11/22. The vet said he'd never seen that before, it was very rare, and he expected Silver to have a longer life than the 1 year originally predicted. Guess I was riding high on that and didn't check in November. I paid too much attention to stupid Christmas until he began to eat less and less and was losing weight. Couldn't get an x-ray until 11/13/23. He jut got worse and more lethargic until January 2nd when I took him to emergency vet.
There was a new tumor, 1.4 cm and had fluid in his lungs. They gave him less than 3 months, some appetite stimulant and gabapentin. He ate better and had more active days until his physical checkup with the oncologist on January 13th. I learned nothing new, so I wasted that precious 2 hours.
We were home 45 minutes until Silver meowed two loud and painful meows, began hyperventilating, jumped off my lap and began panting, writhing and trying to meow/cry. I thought he was choking, tried to do kitty heimlich and drove to my primary vet 7 minutes away at 5:15 PM. After I finally accepted he was dying, he was euthanized. I held him as he passed and afterwards for some time.
Afterwards I remained in state of numb shock with bursts ofscreaming, crying, wailing, punching the sofa, kicking the (very sturdy) kitchen cabinet doors replaying the whole thing until passed out exhausted 6:00 AM Monday morning.
I wore the shirt that I held him in as he died for 3 days and was pretty much the same until today, a week later.
I want time to stop. Because every minute is just another minute between now and the last time Silver was with me, purring in my lap, running down the hall, snuggling his head under my chin when he climbed on my chest purring and saying good morning, waiting on the sofa for me to get settled so he could get in my lap, greeting me at the door, jumping out the window to the screen porch. He was the happiest part of my day.
I love you, my snugglebunch, button-kitty, Silverado, hi ho Silver, Silvercat, Mr. Kitty, Silverpants. You were my best friend and I can't let you go.
 

Margot Lane

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Wish I could send you a real, live actual hug...there is no fairness to it. Please don’t blame yourself about those 2 hours…can tell from the myriad of nicknames just how much you loved this kitty. All you can do is feel the rawness of it until it ebbs…I can tell you after a long time what will be left is what you LOVED about him. It will glow in your heart & Silver will emanate himself through you forever. You two are one, and that is what will always matter. I hope there is someone close to you who can help with the grief. On some level, you don’t have to let him go. The comfort and joy of what made Silver Silver is like no other cat anywhere: that is stamped on you. Love is his gift to you.
 

mrsgreenjeens

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I'm so sorry your precious Silver is no longer with you physically. As pointed out above, he will always be with you in your heart, and as time goes on, you will begin to remember mostly the good times rather than the end.

Even if you had checked in November, I'm guessing there was nothing you could have done to change anything. Try not to beat yourself up about not having done so. I know it's only natural to want to blame yourself, but it really isn't your fault. Bad things happen to sweet innocent little cats. It's just a fact, hurtful as it is. Most of here on this site know only too well :sniffle:

Rest in peace, sweet :rbheart: Silver :rbheart:
 
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lesleigh

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Thank you, Margot. I can't believe my snugglebunch kitty died a week ago, it feels like no time has passed and it's just the same Not-Silver day over and over. Reading the other posts here help so much. I hate that others have to go through this, but it's comforting to share about it.
 

Mamanyt1953

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Rest you gentle, Silver, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

I am so, so sorry. Guilt is so normal for us, but...we cannot know what we do not know. And cats are masters at hiding the little signs of "something is really wrong" from us. It is one of their primary survival instincts, and all too often it works too, too well. Do not blame yourself that you did not pick up on what nature intended you NOT to pick up on.

This is the Deepest Truth I know...that love never dies. It is translated and purified into Love, and continues on. Now, from his home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, Silver blesses you. He blesses you because he lived, breathed and had his being wrapped in your love. And now, he sends his Love back to you to walk with you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.
 

betsygee

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I'm so very sorry about Silver. Please don't blame yourself for what happened. No one can see everything, and it's possible that even if you had seen a change, it wouldn't have changed the outcome. Sadly in many cases, there just isn't much that can be done. You gave Silver excellent care, the very best you could. He was lucky to have such a loving guardian.

My heart goes out to you. Please be gentle with yourself. :hugs:
 

di and bob

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You don't have to let go, love is spiritual, so eternal, the 'essence' that is him will be with you always......
Guilt is always present when confronted with a loved one's death. I can guarantee you you did all you could, there is no way to stop the progression of cancer sometimes. Even humans that get all the best help in the world die sometimes. You did what you could, and it was much more than most. You were there, he had your love, and that is all he ever wanted.
He lives on through you now. Let it be a future full of happiness and more love to add right beside his. his love can never be replaced it has a permanent place in your soul. That is his legacy he left you, a cat's love and what a wonderful gift it is.
Of course you will mourn, there is a big hole in your existence right now. Eventually, that hole will be filled, time brings a softening of the sharp edges of grief. You will relive those last hours over and over again. There is no way to change the past. For now live each day as it comes, do not let grief rule your world, and celebrate having that precious boy in your life. "Do not cry because it is over, smile because it happened". one day that will happen because the good memories far outweigh the bad......RIP sweet Silver. You will always be remembered, you will have a secure place in a loving heart for eternity. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!
 

Antonio65

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I am speechless about the passing of your lovely Silver.
The amount of love you were giving to him is outstanding, and your words are evidence of how big your heart is and how much love for him it would hold.

Do not beat yourself up, even if you had taken Silver to the vet every week, you couldn't have done anything more than what you did. If something could be done, the vet would have told you that at the first visit a year ago.
You loved him every second till the end, what better gift could he have from you?
You were his light, his life, his only reference in this world, and you were all of this till the end, you have nothing to regret.

RIP Silver, you were a really lucky cat :redheartpump:
 

BellaBlue82

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My heart goes out to you on your loss of Silver. I can empathize with a tragic loss, whether you know it's coming or not it's never easy to accept. We feel we need to fight for them every step of the way, until we and they can no longer fight.
I lost Nico on the 11th, and I didn't wash my clothes for days. I'm sure I stunk lol. I didn't wash the blanket that he passed in either, I just can't bring myself to do it. We hold that bond with them so close, it's just so difficult to say goodbye.
Here's to all the beautiful memories you made with Silver, he's made a friend and they'll be playing in sunshine until we meet them again. ❤
 
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lesleigh

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Thank you Antonio65 and BellaBlue, your kind words soften this blow.. Every one who reads and writes here know what an enormous part of us can belong to a cat, and that we're not off our rockers for wearing the same clothes for days or leaving food bowls out until we can take the step of picking them up.
BellaBlue, my heart is with yours on your tragic loss. I'm so sorry about your baby.
 

Antonio65

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Thank you Antonio65 and BellaBlue, your kind words soften this blow.. Every one who reads and writes here know what an enormous part of us can belong to a cat, and that we're not off our rockers for wearing the same clothes for days or leaving food bowls out until we can take the step of picking them up.
BellaBlue, my heart is with yours on your tragic loss. I'm so sorry about your baby.
I left my cat's dishes out for months after her passing. I only removed them because I had a new kitten at home and she was going to break them during her impetuous play sessions.
Her litter box is still there, with the last litter (scooped and clean) inside. And it's been 4 years and a half ago.
It is something that many of us do, I'd say it's normal, it's a way to try and keep them close to us as long as possible.
 

catloverfromwayback

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I wish I had paid more attention to my baby than stupid Christmas. He was fading and I should have noticed sooner.
I’m so sorry. Please don’t beat yourself up about it. Cancer can take them so fast. Fourteen years ago my Katie passed two weeks after she was diagnosed. I hadn’t even realised how ill she was until the diagnosis, nor that I should have euthanised her before that last terrible day.
Silver sounds like an adorable boy. It will take time, possibly a very long time, but the pain will eventually ease. It’s not something one gets over; one has to pass through it.
 
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lesleigh

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I never had to take up food bowls before, since my whole life I've always lived with more than one cat, even growing up. This is a first. I'm using Silver's leftover food to feed some stray cats nearby I look after with another person. I'm so moved so many others are willing to share the huge love they have.
 
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