Sick With Guilt

ouanm1980

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Today my husband and I lost our beloved Brown Kitty after 11 years of life together.
He had been getting treatment for large and small cell lymphoma since Oct 2018 and had recently been noted to be in remission due to a sx to remove a foreign object with no cancer noted during sx. He however then had a 2nd sx (about a month later ) as he was not eating and vet specialists/ us thought it was another foreign object but turned out to be hard fecal matter. In the days following his labs improved/ he was perky with us during visits at the hospital but this morning we got the call he was having a seizure and to come quickly but 3 minutes later were called again to say he had passed.
This is my first animal as an adult making decisions and I don't think I have ever felt this devastated/ sad in my life. Of course I feel guilty, although we truly did everything for him, I feel like maybe we should have let him go before a 2nd sx but if I am honest I think I would have wondered if it was too soon being that he lived far past anyone thought he would with his diagnosis.
I hate that I wasn't there in his last moments.
The entire Med Vet staff in all departments (although he didn't go through all depts) loved him and some staff I had never met before would come say they would go back when he was there for treatment to love on him.
I hurt and my husband hurts so much it feels like the wind has been knocked out of us. We both had to go to work today which was an insult in and of itself.
I just felt like reaching out on this site as I know there are like minded people vs people who wouldn't understand. We are not religious and so don't believe he is 'somewhere'.
brown.jpg

Our sweet boy who in the last year of his life liked to take his meals on the counter and of course we let him.

I am so sorry for everyone who has grieved and is grieving because I know the depth of your hurt.
Thank you for reading.
 

will2002

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As a person that has had to make this same decision you made today many, many times I can say it NEVER gets easy. You did the best anyone could possibly do in such a difficult situation.

It is a wonderful thing to be blessed to care for kittens and cats. Nothing gives me more pleasure at this time in my life. However, there will be times such as this. The sad and unhappy times. It is all part of the cycle of life. Us humans just have to go forward the best way we can.

The grief will ease as time passes, however there will always some sadness left over. Try to remember, and dwell on all of the happy times you and your kitty had together. That is what always seems to get me past the tough times.
 

Mamanyt1953

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Rest you gentle, Brown Kitty, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

Guilt is such a natural emotion for humans. But...and always remember this...you made decisions for him based on the best information you had. You tried to give him a good quality of life for as long as possible. No, you were not there with him when he passed, but he was in a place he trusted, with people who loved him and were trying to help him. YOU DID EVERYTHING HUMANLY POSSIBLE for him. It is all we can do. My heart with yours.
 

Sidewinder

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Despite our best intentions, bad things happen in this crazy world... I still don't know with certainty what happened to my cat Sage, his abrupt disappearance was a real hammer blow in the Forge of Life, but I eased my subsequent grief by rescuing two young cats from the shelter here in Benson. I even renamed one in honor of Sage... that would be young Phoenix, rising from the ashes of Sage's memory. I still miss Sage, and probably will until the day I die, but life goes on and we must persevere... our turn to cross the divide will come soon enough, believe me.

Maybe you can assuage your grief by rescuing another cat... there are plenty out there who would gladly welcome the patronage of a caring person like you. Truth be told, even with Crackhead still around after Sage's disappearance, our home felt so lonely that I went ahead and rescued two cats instead of one... and their presence has really helped me move forward after losing Sage. Best cat I ever had, hands down, and I've known a few over the decades, but Sage was around 20 (human) years old, and I had him for 15, so I reckon he lived a long life and we had 15 good years together.

That's the best we can do, really, making the most out of time spent together with loved ones... over the years, I've lost good friends & family members, including one brother and both parents, as well as a number of pets, and the losses have all been hard to take. With some, I knew the inevitable end and was there at the last moment, while with others I never had the chance to say goodbye... neither way was ever easy. Grief is part of the process... guilt doesn't have to be, aye? For me, letting go is tough, but it's also part of the process. I'll leave you with a Buddhist proverb which has helped me often in the past, clear across the board in many situations:

"If you are filled with desire, your sorrows swell like the grass after the rain... but if you subdue desire, your sorrows fall from you like drops of water from a lotus flower."

Hang in there, honor your cat's memory, and best of luck to you as you move on with your life.
 

catsknowme

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:alright:Condolences on your sad loss. Especially with long illnesses, there are often doubts on the timing of things. Did things go on too long versus were not enough attempts to prolong life made.? :dunno: It is difficult to stop the thoughts, the second guessing. You obviously are incredibly awesome pet guardians and I hope that you will be able to fill the cat-shaped void in your hearts and home with another cat in need or a couple of rescue kittens - it is a very satisfying way to honor the memory of your beloved tiger while filling empty arms and laps.
 

di and bob

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Losing someone you love so much is always a blow to the heart, and to the home. Guilt is a very real part of grieving and it comes no matter how the end was. But guilt is an emotion that requires intention. You intended to bring harm, or something adverse to another, and now feel bad about your actions. In your case I hope you know in your heart you had done what you could at the time, and your only intent was to love him and make him well again. As for not being with him at his end, examine your own emotions right now, without him being physically present. You feel a huge amount of love and feelings for him, he did the same at the time, you were there in his heart and always will be.
Your precious memories of happier times are a treasure to horde and protect. No one and nothing can take those away from you, or break that bond of love that together you built over the years. Not even death is that strong. "Death cannot take that which never dies".....and that is love. Love is a feeling, an emotion. It takes on many forms and many depths, but as long as you have your memories you will possess it. It feeds on and grows from more love. It gains strength from adding more. It never worries about being lost or replaced because it is irreplacable, unique as a snowflake. And just as fragile.
You must grieve now because you have lost something important from your life. In time you will realize that it was never lost, it will forever be there, and you will learn a new life order, a new normal. You have to join life once more and experience the joys and happiness it brings. Just as you would want for that sweet boy if you were the first to go, he also wants for you. In time. One day at a time..... RIP precious Brown Kitty. You will never be forgotten, you will forever be held in a secure place in loving hearts. Goodnight, sleep tight, little prince!
 
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Maria Bayote

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I am so sincerely sorry for your loss. I know the feeling, so I totally understand. It will take quite a while for the sadness to subside, and even for the guilt to fade away. It is normal for a person in grief to feel as you do, especially that you have loved your cat in all the love that you could possibly give him.

I always say, grief does not really go away. It just gets mellow in time. One day you can be able to remember Brown Kitty with more of a smile, than of tears.

Brown Kitty is eternally grateful for those 11 years of love, friendship and companionship. You gave him a good home. Nothing beats that.

Hang in there. My thoughts are with you.
 
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ouanm1980

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Thank you everyone for your lovely kind words - they are truly comforting to me.
We do have 2 other cats so the house is not empty which is also comforting.
I have gotten so used to taking him to appts at Medvet I also feel a sense of loss with not seeing the staff anymore- didn’t think I would.
I know the hurt will mellow but right now I’m just crying it all out.
I am grateful for this site and all the like minded people on it.
Thank you
 

jberry09

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My parents just went through something similar. When I was a teenager my family fostered 3 day-old kittens, and we ended up keeping all of them even though we had another cat and a dog in the house. They're 10 now and we just lost our sweet black kitty 99 (named after Agent 99 from Get Smart) last week to oral cancer. My mom blames herself for feeding the cats low-quality food, not putting 99 down at the right time, etc., so you're definitely not alone in feeling guilty. It's a natural part of the grieving process. Just remember, though, that you did everything that you could for Brown Kitty and sometimes these kinds of things are just out of our control. I've been doing a lot of work on my mental health lately and one thing I've learned is that when it comes to sadness and grief, the best we can do is try to accept what has happened without pushing away our feelings. It's okay to let yourself grieve.
 

Antonio65

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I have gotten so used to taking him to appts at Medvet I also feel a sense of loss with not seeing the staff anymore- didn’t think I would.
Absolutely!
Because at the end of their lives, both my cats had regular and frequent appointments and visits at the vets, when they both died I kind of missed that routine and seeing the staff.
But I have to tell you this. On one occasion, several months after the death of my last cat, I had the chance to go to the clinic, and the staff told me the same. They were missing my cat (of course they started to love her in time) and me, and all the things we had done together.
 

Leomc123

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Im sorry brown kitty passed away, but you did everything you could for her and you did it with love and kindness. Ending ones life is never an easy decision to make but it is the kindest one you made for your kitten. Life can be cruel bitter and sweet. Your heart is broken and only time will heal it. And the memories you have with brown kitty will never die. My condolences to you and your husband.
 
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