Sick with guilt about death of feral

[Jesse James]

Not sure what I'm asking for, I'm just sick with grief and guilt. One of the feral cats I take care of died Tuesday night. For 6 years I've been taking care of a feral cat group living in a wooded area next to the parking lot where I used to work (I'm now retired but continue to take care of them). This cat has been coming around for about 1-1/2 years - not very often. About 3 years old. He isn't a true feral - someone abandoned him - although he is fearful of humans and wouldn't come very close to me. This fall I noticed he had caught a respiratory virus - most likely calicivirus. Then I didn't see him for while. When he next appeared, he seemed to be fine - eating, active, etc. On 2/16 when I went to feed them, he was in one of the houses I have set up for them. Didn't even know he was there until I got close to the shelter while shoveling the snow around them. He shot out of the house, but didn't go very far and I could see he wasn't feeling well. I talked to him and tried to get him to come to me but he wouldn't. He went to one of the bowls of food I had set out and ate a little. Then he went into another one of the houses farther away from me. I finished shoveling, left the food and water as usual, and came home. I tried to figure out what to do - I have traps but haven't used them in several years. I also used to have a place to keep the ferals I did trap to be neutered/spayed, but have since moved and no longer have a place to keep them. Plus, I have 2 feral kittens already in my laundry room waiting to be neutered/spayed and adopted out. And 9 of my own cats. I thought I would contact one of the local rescue groups to see if they could help me trap and get him medical attention. On Wed. morning when I went to feed them, he was dead. I feel like he was too sick to keep himself warm and froze to death. I should have gone back on Tuesday and done something. Not sure I'll get over this. I brought him home and took him to be cremated like I do my own cats. I have his ashes and will scatter some at the feral cat colony and keep the rest (as I do with all my cats who pass on). It's just not enough.

 

[Mr. Meow]

I'm sorry for your loss. It's never easy losing a pet, or any animal that's under your care. Don't beat yourself up over this. I can guarantee that he lived longer because of you. The life of a feral is already tough, but to have a home and then be abandoned makes it so much harder. From my decade+ of working with a local SPCA, even if you had gone back (or the local animal group went back), there's no guarantee that he would have been trapped. I've seen ferals somehow avoid every trap laid out for them, no matter how many times we tried.
It's situations like this why I work so hard to make sure people spay/neuter their pets and have them microchipped. The life of a feral is significantly shorter than a cat who is indoor only. But you were there for him, gave him a house, food, a better chance than he would have had being left completely on his own. You didn't do anything to shorten his life, you extended it. You gave him many more days of rolling in the sun, chasing birds and being a cat. That's not something that should be forgotten. You did right by him.
And I want to thank you for having him cremated. I'm a crematory operator myself, for both humans and pets. I have my own group of ferals that stay with me. These 3 hearts are all ferals that I witnessed being hit by cars, and all 3 died in my arms. These charms are my promise to these ferals that they will never be alone, and that I'll work every day to keep all animals safe...just like you did for him. I know it's hard, but try not to dwell on his death. He's at peace. Now it's his turn to watch over you.

 

[Furballsmom]

RIP sweet baby, you were loved

 

[Babypaws]

I’m so sorry for the loss, Animals become family and it is a heart breaker when they pass. May they all RIP

 

[Jesse James]

I'm sorry for your loss. It's never easy losing a pet, or any animal that's under your care. Don't beat yourself up over this. I can guarantee that he lived longer because of you. The life of a feral is already tough, but to have a home and then be abandoned makes it so much harder. From my decade+ of working with a local SPCA, even if you had gone back (or the local animal group went back), there's no guarantee that he would have been trapped. I've seen ferals somehow avoid every trap laid out for them, no matter how many times we tried.
It's situations like this why I work so hard to make sure people spay/neuter their pets and have them microchipped. The life of a feral is significantly shorter than a cat who is indoor only. But you were there for him, gave him a house, food, a better chance than he would have had being left completely on his own. You didn't do anything to shorten his life, you extended it. You gave him many more days of rolling in the sun, chasing birds and being a cat. That's not something that should be forgotten. You did right by him.
And I want to thank you for having him cremated. I'm a crematory operator myself, for both humans and pets. I have my own group of ferals that stay with me. These 3 hearts are all ferals that I witnessed being hit by cars, and all 3 died in my arms. These charms are my promise to these ferals that they will never be alone, and that I'll work every day to keep all animals safe...just like you did for him. I know it's hard, but try not to dwell on his death. He's at peace. Now it's his turn to watch over you.
View attachment 370865

Thank you for your kind words - everyone. It was such a shock to find him dead - I thought for sure I would have a chance to help him. I guess I just didn't realize how sick he was. I won't make that mistake again!!

 

[fionasmom]

I have only ever had strays or former ferals as pets and have maintained feral colonies and currently have ferals who come to my house regularly for food and shelter....or what they will accept as shelter. A nice heated cat bed is currently being used by a very grateful possum.

Mr. Meow really has covered so much of what needs to be said. I have lost ferals, just as you did, to illness because they would not allow themselves to be trapped, or retrapped. Recounting all their stories is not going to make you feel better but it is something that is always a possibility with a feral or even very shy or frightened cat. You are telling yourself that something could have been done, but that is not a guarantee at all with a cat who has avoided any contact for so long.

This cat knew that he had a place where he could come for food and shelter and you have to imagine how much that knowledge gave him some form of peace and security.

 

[Jcatbird]

I have worked with lots of lost or feral cats. Please remember this. If you had captured him, he would have been terrified. Since he was so close to the end when he showed back up, the capture might have been the end or it might have been in a vet office filled with things that would be foreign to him. Instead he came to the comfort, safety and the human he had learned offered love. He was in the very best place and that is where he chose to be. Many ferals go off at times like this but he came where he had known your kindness. He was at peace. That’s a lot for an outside cat. That’s a lot for any of us. We cannot save them all but we can love them all and you did. I would wish for the exact same when my end comes. Love and peace. You gave him a piece of your heart and he left you a piece of his. We live on through each other. You watched over him while he was there. He knew. Now he is watching over you and the others from the rainbow above. He can dance upon the clouds and flies higher than the birds. He is free. Your hearts beat together now.

 

[deekaydee]

Not sure what I'm asking for, I'm just sick with grief and guilt. One of the feral cats I take care of died Tuesday night. For 6 years I've been taking care of a feral cat group living in a wooded area next to the parking lot where I used to work (I'm now retired but continue to take care of them). This cat has been coming around for about 1-1/2 years - not very often. About 3 years old. He isn't a true feral - someone abandoned him - although he is fearful of humans and wouldn't come very close to me. This fall I noticed he had caught a respiratory virus - most likely calicivirus. Then I didn't see him for while. When he next appeared, he seemed to be fine - eating, active, etc. On 2/16 when I went to feed them, he was in one of the houses I have set up for them. Didn't even know he was there until I got close to the shelter while shoveling the snow around them. He shot out of the house, but didn't go very far and I could see he wasn't feeling well. I talked to him and tried to get him to come to me but he wouldn't. He went to one of the bowls of food I had set out and ate a little. Then he went into another one of the houses farther away from me. I finished shoveling, left the food and water as usual, and came home. I tried to figure out what to do - I have traps but haven't used them in several years. I also used to have a place to keep the ferals I did trap to be neutered/spayed, but have since moved and no longer have a place to keep them. Plus, I have 2 feral kittens already in my laundry room waiting to be neutered/spayed and adopted out. And 9 of my own cats. I thought I would contact one of the local rescue groups to see if they could help me trap and get him medical attention. On Wed. morning when I went to feed them, he was dead. I feel like he was too sick to keep himself warm and froze to death. I should have gone back on Tuesday and done something. Not sure I'll get over this. I brought him home and took him to be cremated like I do my own cats. I have his ashes and will scatter some at the feral cat colony and keep the rest (as I do with all my cats who pass on). It's just not enough.

I'm so sorry about this. We get so, so attached to these lovely animals, feral or not. I'm very very sorry you're dealing with this. I really do understand completely how you are feeling. But he went so fast, there really wasn't anything you could do. He died in his "home" and did not suffer. Try to find some comfort in knowing you provided him with at safe place to stay and a steady source of food and someone looking out for him. Taking a shovel to shovel out the colony is such a caring act. I am sure he lived a way more comfortable life than any feral would without such a dedicated caretaker. We do the best we can.
I am struggling with a similar situation and reaction. Except I had to watch mine die over a 6 week period and he was part of a bonded pair. He stopped eating and so we could not trap him. Every time we tried to catch him in some other way, he would seem to gather extraordinary strength and scale the fence or dart from one totally inaccessible place to another. He would then leave the yard for hours or days and made us sick with worry that he would die elsewhere or be eaten by a coyote. We think he may have eaten a poisoned mouse because one day he was absolutely fine and the next so terribly ill. I purchased a new kind of trap (a place over trap) and still could not trap him. And this was a cat who had been living in our yard also for 6 years and would let us pet him. I felt horrible and useless. Finally, though it broke our hearts, we decided to stop trying to capture him. At the suggested of another dedicated cat lover, we decided we would provide "hospice" care. We just provided a warm place and water and every kind of treat or food he might lick at. I still feel guilty that we could not catch him even to just put him out of his suffering. I found him one morning, dead in the garden. It is a shock and a terrible sad feeling. I still struggle, especially watching his brother pine for him. Out of the 7 cats I inherited, they were always together and so they were named "Frick and Frack". Thank you for caring for these cats. They are blessed to have you. You gave him a better life.

 

[movinintime]

This again is an unfathomable thread for me. Suffice saying God's Plan took over and he is at Rainbow Bridge because God WANTED him protected forever there. I am always stunned at the passing of a kitty, as we seem to just go on yet their lives hang in such fragile balance

May he Forever Rest In Peace and YOU were the last person to ever feel his love and GIVE him love no matter how you now feel. May You Find Comfort and Peace in Knowing He is free from pain FOREVER.

 

[Jesse James]

I'm so sorry about this. We get so, so attached to these lovely animals, feral or not. I'm very very sorry you're dealing with this. I really do understand completely how you are feeling. But he went so fast, there really wasn't anything you could do. He died in his "home" and did not suffer. Try to find some comfort in knowing you provided him with at safe place to stay and a steady source of food and someone looking out for him. Taking a shovel to shovel out the colony is such a caring act. I am sure he lived a way more comfortable life than any feral would without such a dedicated caretaker. We do the best we can.
I am struggling with a similar situation and reaction. Except I had to watch mine die over a 6 week period and he was part of a bonded pair. He stopped eating and so we could not trap him. Every time we tried to catch him in some other way, he would seem to gather extraordinary strength and scale the fence or dart from one totally inaccessible place to another. He would then leave the yard for hours or days and made us sick with worry that he would die elsewhere or be eaten by a coyote. We think he may have eaten a poisoned mouse because one day he was absolutely fine and the next so terribly ill. I purchased a new kind of trap (a place over trap) and still could not trap him. And this was a cat who had been living in our yard also for 6 years and would let us pet him. I felt horrible and useless. Finally, though it broke our hearts, we decided to stop trying to capture him. At the suggested of another dedicated cat lover, we decided we would provide "hospice" care. We just provided a warm place and water and every kind of treat or food he might lick at. I still feel guilty that we could not catch him even to just put him out of his suffering. I found him one morning, dead in the garden. It is a shock and a terrible sad feeling. I still struggle, especially watching his brother pine for him. Out of the 7 cats I inherited, they were always together and so they were named "Frick and Frack". Thank you for caring for these cats. They are blessed to have you. You gave him a better life.

Oh, I'm so sorry! It sounds to me like you did everything you could possibly do to help him. He knew that, and that's why he came back to you to pass on - he did what he wanted to do, which is unfortunately for us not what you (or I) wanted. Cats are like that.

 

[Jesse James]

Thank you everyone. All of your comments and insights have helped tremendously! I know I'll stop crying eventually. This is a good site and I'm glad I joined! Here is a picture of my big boy I took when he first came to my colony. I have given him a name now - King.

 

[kittychick]

My heart aches for you. Like so many on this forum (and several of the wonderfully kind members above - whose words have hopefully helped ease your ache a bit), I too have lost not just "inside guys" but ferals/strays that I've worried and fretted over.

I think in some ways losing a feral can be even harder then losing an indoor, socialized buddy. Since often you've worked SO hard to make life as good as possible for them (which isn't as easy as bringing a healthy, socialized kitty into your home - where it's a bit more of an "open the carrier door, let them into your warm home, show them where food and water are, love them, and off you go." Ferals, for so many of us (myself included - - and definitely sounds like you're like me!) involve so much time, thought, concern, and love. And I too (something I know both Jcatbird and Furballsmom can truly attest to about me!) spend so much time upset, with the hamster wheel in my brain obsessively thinking about what I could have done differently....what should I have done differently.....if I'd only done X or Y would they still be here...and so on and so on.

Just from the bit you posted I can tell you did everything you could. You cared for him to your very core. As pointed out by others, most cats (even fully socialized indoor kitties) do their best to be as far from humans as possible when they feel things coming to an end. Him staying near you was absolutely a sign that you gave him comfort, right until the end.

We foster often, and do lots of TNR work. Several from a neighborhood colony chose to stay in our yard after being TNR'd. They were several years old, and bringing them inside would have been very difficult. Like you, I worried constantly about them. They had heated water bowls & heated shelters...I still worried. Were they too cold? Too hot? If I heard a fight outside or screeching tires I'd run to see if I could find them - - even at 2 am in -5 degree weather (I'm sure our neighbors have decided that I'm a loon who likes to wander our yard with a flashlight at 2 am, in pajamas no less - - - something no one EVER needs to see! ). Hubby even made a shelter in our garage, with windows, heated pads, and a Hound Heater. Yet I still worry. We talked about trying to bring them inside, but for multiple reasons, at the time it wasn't a good idea. Then about year ago, Brady, who'd remained the most feral, suddenly started sitting with us when we gardened, coming when we called, even beginning to let us pet him! But a few weeks after Brady's sudden change of heart, we got a call from a neighbor who'd seen a grey cat hit by a truck (and tho Brady was still alive, the truck didn't stop). He was hit just a few houses from our home, so hubby and I ran to find him - praying he had a chance since she'd seen him alive. We found him just 10-15 feet from our garage, unable to move. The hardest - yet most comforting - part was knowing that he, unable to walk, drug himself by his front feet up a huge hill in our neighbor's yard, getting to within 10 feet of our garage. Within 10 feet of us. Within 10 feet of home. We rushed him to a vet, who confirmed what I knew - his spine had been crushed. As we prepared to say goodbye at the vet, he actually pushed his head into my hands, looking up at us as if to say "I'm okay now....you did what you could....and I'm not alone."

And Brady's legacy lives on. We whispered to him before he left that we'd take care of the other 3...that we'd do our best to get them to be inside kitties so that none of them had to go through what he did. I swear he heard me, because it was that moment he breathed his last breath. Like he knew he'd done something good. And we have made good on our promise - we're still working every day at making the remaining 3 in his little group inside kitties.

So please take comfort in knowing that you DID do your best. And he knew it. Like Brady - I don't think you'd have seen him again if he didn't find solace in being near you. You DID give him comfort. Most of all - - - he didn't feel alone. Trapping him at the end would have likely made his final hours/days scary. Instead, he left this world knowing he was truly loved. And I think that's one of the biggest things we can gave to our ferals.

 

[kittychick]

Your last note came through as I was posting. King seems very fitting -- he looks very regal (and gorgeous!).

And you will stop crying eventually. Probably not permanently, but eventually the tears will be replaced by good memories. Memories of him happy in the woods. Memories of knowing he knew he'd never be hungry or thirsty or alone again. I hope eventually you can think about him and remember it was YOU who never forgot him (as most people would have). You who made his life longer and happier. And as feral caretakers....I think that's the best thing we can give them.

 

[Jesse James]

My heart aches for you. Like so many on this forum (and several of the wonderfully kind members above - whose words have hopefully helped ease your ache a bit), I too have lost not just "inside guys" but ferals/strays that I've worried and fretted over.

I think in some ways losing a feral can be even harder then losing an indoor, socialized buddy. Since often you've worked SO hard to make life as good as possible for them (which isn't as easy as bringing a healthy, socialized kitty into your home - where it's a bit more of an "open the carrier door, let them into your warm home, show them where food and water are, love them, and off you go." Ferals, for so many of us (myself included - - and definitely sounds like you're like me!) involve so much time, thought, concern, and love. And I too (something I know both Jcatbird and Furballsmom can truly attest to about me!) spend so much time upset, with the hamster wheel in my brain obsessively thinking about what I could have done differently....what should I have done differently.....if I'd only done X or Y would they still be here...and so on and so on.

Just from the bit you posted I can tell you did everything you could. You cared for him to your very core. As pointed out by others, most cats (even fully socialized indoor kitties) do their best to be as far from humans as possible when they feel things coming to an end. Him staying near you was absolutely a sign that you gave him comfort, right until the end.

We foster often, and do lots of TNR work. Several from a neighborhood colony chose to stay in our yard after being TNR'd. They were several years old, and bringing them inside would have been very difficult. Like you, I worried constantly about them. They had heated water bowls & heated shelters...I still worried. Were they too cold? Too hot? If I heard a fight outside or screeching tires I'd run to see if I could find them - - even at 2 am in -5 degree weather (I'm sure our neighbors have decided that I'm a loon who likes to wander our yard with a flashlight at 2 am, in pajamas no less - - - something no one EVER needs to see! ). Hubby even made a shelter in our garage, with windows, heated pads, and a Hound Heater. Yet I still worry. We talked about trying to bring them inside, but for multiple reasons, at the time it wasn't a good idea. Then about year ago, Brady, who'd remained the most feral, suddenly started sitting with us when we gardened, coming when we called, even beginning to let us pet him! But a few weeks after Brady's sudden change of heart, we got a call from a neighbor who'd seen a grey cat hit by a truck (and tho Brady was still alive, the truck didn't stop). He was hit just a few houses from our home, so hubby and I ran to find him - praying he had a chance since she'd seen him alive. We found him just 10-15 feet from our garage, unable to move. The hardest - yet most comforting - part was knowing that he, unable to walk, drug himself by his front feet up a huge hill in our neighbor's yard, getting to within 10 feet of our garage. Within 10 feet of us. Within 10 feet of home. We rushed him to a vet, who confirmed what I knew - his spine had been crushed. As we prepared to say goodbye at the vet, he actually pushed his head into my hands, looking up at us as if to say "I'm okay now....you did what you could....and I'm not alone."

And Brady's legacy lives on. We whispered to him before he left that we'd take care of the other 3...that we'd do our best to get them to be inside kitties so that none of them had to go through what he did. I swear he heard me, because it was that moment he breathed his last breath. Like he knew he'd done something good. And we have made good on our promise - we're still working every day at making the remaining 3 in his little group inside kitties.

So please take comfort in knowing that you DID do your best. And he knew it. Like Brady - I don't think you'd have seen him again if he didn't find solace in being near you. You DID give him comfort. Most of all - - - he didn't feel alone. Trapping him at the end would have likely made his final hours/days scary. Instead, he left this world knowing he was truly loved. And I think that's one of the biggest things we can gave to our ferals.

Oh I'm crying now for you and for Brady. My heart and soul goes out to you - you will be watched over and blessed by the entire cat kingdom forever!

I so appreciate you taking the time to answer my post with such kindness - and everyone else on this thread who did the same. Everyone's comments have made me feel better. Too late I thought of everything I could try but he died before I could.

And yes, I too have been out at 1:00 in the morning in my pajamas in my neighbors yards with a flashlight under their bushes looking for a cat. Perhaps that's why they call us "crazy cat ladies"??

 

[kittychick]

I’m so glad I gave you some comfort. And thank you too for your comforting words about Brady. (It’s also nice to know I’m not the only person who probably makes their neighbors wonder if someone’s “off their meds...” ).

I don’t want to sound cheesy — but this group & the compassion so many of the members have shown me when I’ve needed it most have literally been lifesavers. So use us——we’re here for you!!!!!

Lastly —- just had to show you some pics of sweet Brady. 1st pic is Brady - grey - w/his cousin & best friend, Crosby. They walked into our lives walking side by side, tails intertwined.....which they did every day, right up until the end. Second pic is one of my fav Brady portraits - w/our deck mid/strip. 3rd is another of Crosby & Brady — so sweet. Crosby really mourned Brady for months.

 

[Jesse James]

OMG Brady is absolutely stunning (I say IS because he's still with us, we just can't see him.) You got a double whammy - it must have broken your heart (again) to see Crosby grieving after losing his best friend. I hope he's better now!