Shy And Untrusting Cat: Help Please!

[jopua]

So about 8 weeks ago, I adopted my first ever cat. I live in a small studio apartment, and I thought having a cat would be a good idea. That and it might help with my anxiety, having an emotional support animal and, well, friend since i grew up with pets.

Her name is Luci, she's 9 months old, and I was told she's a mix between a Himalayan and a Russian Blue (not that it matters). Anyways, it's been 8 weeks now, and I still haven't been able to touch her!

No petting, no touching, no nothing. When I got her, she was already spayed and got her Anti-Rabies, but that's it. I want to be able to give her shots already, but she's still clearly wary of me.

I found out a week after I got her that she was supposedly bullied in her last home by one of the other kittens. Her half sister. The foster home super wanted to make it a point to separate them. So maybe her being bullied is a factor?

We've made progress though. She loves staying under my bed, but she'd also usually be lounging around the house, or playing "football" with the balls i got her or whatever else she can get her hands on that moves. I'm now able to play with her with a cat wand and she's a real hunter, and she loves to take her "prey" under the bed to kill it. She eats out of my hand sometimes if i put wet food in it, and as of last week, has started meowing at me during the morning as I prepare her first meal of the day (probably to speed me up)

If there's no one else around in my place, she lounges around wherever, playing with her scratchers and toys. She'd sometimes go on the bed, sniff me and leave.

I feed her more or less exactly the same time everyday, talk gently to her, and stay near her when she eats.

But even with all that, she still hasn't let me pet her. I try touching her, and even if my finger grazes her back she runs away. She doesn't claw or hiss at me, but just keeps running away?

Should I just force it and catch her and bring her to the vet? Should I summon a vet over, or will that destroy the progress we made (if it is progress)? Should I just keep waiting a bit? I do want her to be healthy and all.

I'm also kinda getting a bit legitimately depressed since I feel like a bad cat parent haha I dunno what to do. How do i gain her trust? Am I doing a bad job? Is this normal, that after almost close to two months, i can't even pet her once yet? Help please!

 

[Maria Bayote]

You are not a bad parent. Most of the cats behave the way yours do during the first few weeks, even months. Give her time. Cats come to you when they are ready. The more you force her, the more she could get wary or afraid.

However, as you say she needs to be checked by the vet for her shots which is very responsible of you. Our other TCS members here would be able to provide you tips to have your cat calm down a bit before that usually dreaded vet trip.

 

[tabbytom]

We've made progress though. She loves staying under my bed, but she'd also usually be lounging around the house, or playing "football" with the balls i got her or whatever else she can get her hands on that moves. I'm now able to play with her with a cat wand and she's a real hunter, and she loves to take her "prey" under the bed to kill it. She eats out of my hand sometimes if i put wet food in it, and as of last week, has started meowing at me during the morning as I prepare her first meal of the day (probably to speed me up)

If there's no one else around in my place, she lounges around wherever, playing with her scratchers and toys. She'd sometimes go on the bed, sniff me and leave.

I feed her more or less exactly the same time everyday, talk gently to her, and stay near her when she eats.

But even with all that, she still hasn't let me pet her. I try touching her, and even if my finger grazes her back she runs away. She doesn't claw or hiss at me, but just keeps running away?

and welcome to TCS and thank you for adopting Luci

I agree with Maria Bayote that you are not a bad cat parent and you need time for the cat to adjust to you and the surroundings. Yes, it may take weeks or months but at your progress, I think it's pretty good.

Cats have a thousand characters and many have at least a few of them. Since you can play with her and she responds to the play and meows when you are preparing food and letting you stay when she eats and sniffing your fingers before going to sleep, I dare say that she has already gotten used to you.

Leaving after sniffing your fingers, not allowing you to pet her is part of her nature, which can be broken in time to come. All you need is much love, patience and routine.

As for taking her to the vet, let her get more warmed up to you and once you can pet her back with your hand, immediately but gently hold her and lift her into the open carrier and take her to the vet. Don't worry about what progress you've made that will be destroyed by taking her to the vet. This will only happen once in awhile and she'll soon get over it after showering her with love when she's back home.

Some cats don't like to be carried or petted and some cats just hang around the hooman which is as good as a sign of being a lap cat. This is how they show it.

My boy is not a lap cat, don't like to be carried and petting is not very welcomed except if all is under his fancies.
If he's hanging around us while we do things and we walked up to him and carry him, he'll struggle and run away. So, we leave him as he his and just talk to him.

So don't be discouraged but try your best and work on her terms and both of you will be happy.

Few articles for you to read :-

first-time-cat-owners-guide.33669

bringing-home-a-new-cat-the-complete-guide.29657

new-cat-checklist-what-you-need-to-get-before-bringing-kitty-home.32695

10-must-know-tips-for-happy-living-with-a-shy-cat.32735

cats-lilies-avoid-the-danger-lurking-in-your-home.33397

household-chemicals-and-your-cats.29641

why-you-should-spay-and-neuter-your-cats.22304

cat-vet-checkup-what-to-expect.22449

And many more important and interesting articles here :- ams

Feel free to ask more questions if you have any and many members are willing to share with you their expertise as to how to overcome your situation

 

[jopua]

Okay, thanks so much guys! It's good to know i'm not screwing this up. I'll try my best to be as patient as possible.

So for sure a few months to warm up is normal? It's slower than i'd like, but if its normal/really happens, then I'll put in the work for it. I don't need her to be a lap cat, but I would like to be legitimate friends. I'd like to even take her out for walks either on a leash or a cat backpack i got for her, since i feel bad that she only has my studio to live in for the time being.

I do have a complication coming soon though! I rescued a cat in front of a Starbucks during a storm a few weeks back. He's around 6 months old Got him neutered, anti-rabies and got all his vaccines and everything. Cleared for all feline viruses as well.

And I was supposed to return him to his spot... but he kinda stole my heart and is a total sweetheart. I really didn't wanna bring him back to the streets, and I don't think I can have him adopted out so he'll be coming to live with me in 3 weeks (He's at my partner's sister's house now). He loves cuddles, is brave as hell (doesn't shy away from dogs or anything), and is pretty chill.

he'll have to live in my bathroom for awhile, but hopefully he and Luci become friends!

Whenever Luci would see cats on the TV, she'd look for them. She'd excitedly go up to the TV, look behind it, etc etc. So I'm guessing she wants company? And the second cat, whose name is Zuko, lives in a house with 3 dogs right now and doesn't really mind em. If they smell him too much he'd swat them away and he's fearless and doesn't let anyone mess with him. Doesn't seem territorial, just enjoys his personal space.

Maybe watching him get cuddles and petted might soften Luci up a bit? Does it work that way sometimes, if she sees I'm no threat?

 

[jopua]

One more thing! A vet i was talking to as i was having my soon to be 2nd cat dewormed was saying I should cage Luci for 2 weeks to a month to "tame" her? To make her realize she needs me to live?

Is that a real thing? It seems kinda cruel and too logical and just... I dunno. Bad? I Don't wanna tame her, i wanna be friends and family with her, hopefully. Or am i just being too soft?

 

[shadowsrescue]

I really am not a fan of caging cats for socialization. Yet, you did mention that she spends a lot of time under your bed. It is hard to socialize a cat when the cat hides. If it were me, I would place the bed flat on the floor so she cannot get under. You can try to block under the bed, but that is a difficult task. I also would block under any large pieces of furniture and watch her getting behind large furniture. You want her out in the open as much as possible. Yet it would be nice for her to have a safe hiding spot such as a cat tree with a hiding box. You can still see her and she can see you.

As for petting her, be sure you are sitting on the floor and not looming over her. Use food rewards. Most cats love special treats. This will allow her to associate you with something yummy. I like to use plain cooked chicken or canned tuna in water. Just small bits. Another absolute favorite is baby food. You want to get Gerber stage 2 chicken or turkey. It comes in a small glass jar. The ingredients should only be chicken or turkey, water and some contain modified food starch. I guess this only applies if you are in the US.

You also might try a home made pet petter. I made one years ago when working with feral cats. You can use it as a toy too. I usually would start by trying to pet the cat when there back side was to me. This way they didn't see the wand approaching. I made mine from an old cat wand toy. I wrapped an old sock around it and secured with duct tape. I then added a soft piece of flannel. For further enticement I rubbed a bit of catnip on it.

Do you try to play with her? How about using a laser toy? Does she have access to watch the outside? Maybe a bird feeder so she can enjoy watching.

 

[Etarre]

It can take quite awhile for more timid or skittish cats to warm up and feel comfortable. But it's not necessarily about you. Remember that cats are territorial animals and they feel most secure when they are familiar with their environment. Although your apartment may seem small to you, it probably seems very big to your new cat, and it sounds like she's still in the process of exploring the space and becoming more comfortable. In addition to the space, she's also getting used to all the new noises and smells that accompany it. So let her take her time; once she feels more secure in her environment, she'll feel more comfortable exploring how to interact with you.

My cat, Juniper, took quite awhile to warm up to us to the point where she welcomed pets and occasionally sits in our laps. It probably took at least 7 months. What seemed to help was that we designated her cat tree as a spot where we would approach her and see if she was open to being petted. She could see all angles from the tree, so if she didn't want to interact, all she had to do was to jump off and go hide behind the curtains. If she did allow us to approach, we would allow her to smell our hand, and then she would usually rub her chin against our fingers, rather than us reaching toward her to pet her, which seemed to freak her out.

Good luck! I can't advise on cat introductions, unfortunately, since I have only ever had one at a time.

 

[jopua]

I really am not a fan of caging cats for socialization. Yet, you did mention that she spends a lot of time under your bed. It is hard to socialize a cat when the cat hides. If it were me, I would place the bed flat on the floor so she cannot get under. You can try to block under the bed, but that is a difficult task. I also would block under any large pieces of furniture and watch her getting behind large furniture. You want her out in the open as much as possible. Yet it would be nice for her to have a safe hiding spot such as a cat tree with a hiding box. You can still see her and she can see you.

As for petting her, be sure you are sitting on the floor and not looming over her. Use food rewards. Most cats love special treats. This will allow her to associate you with something yummy. I like to use plain cooked chicken or canned tuna in water. Just small bits. Another absolute favorite is baby food. You want to get Gerber stage 2 chicken or turkey. It comes in a small glass jar. The ingredients should only be chicken or turkey, water and some contain modified food starch. I guess this only applies if you are in the US.

You also might try a home made pet petter. I made one years ago when working with feral cats. You can use it as a toy too. I usually would start by trying to pet the cat when there back side was to me. This way they didn't see the wand approaching. I made mine from an old cat wand toy. I wrapped an old sock around it and secured with duct tape. I then added a soft piece of flannel. For further enticement I rubbed a bit of catnip on it.

Do you try to play with her? How about using a laser toy? Does she have access to watch the outside? Maybe a bird feeder so she can enjoy watching.

I play with her everyday. She loves chasing her laser pointer, and I've gone through 3 wand toys with her since she has a tendency to break em. She really goes for the kill. She also likes playing soccer with whatever new ball I give her -- from crumpled up receipts to ping pong balls.

She only stays under the bed when there are guests around, or when she's startled, but she's usually out in the open when its just the two of us. Or if she's under the bed, half her body is out and she's just really lounging. I think it makes her feel like she's in a cave?

For treats, I've gone though a bunch and she's not a big fan of the kibble/snack type treat. She loves wet food (which she eats from my hand every now and then) and those little puree kind of treats though.

I'll try that petter! I'll wrap something soft and nice for her, and rub some catnip on it and hope for the best. I was reading one can even use the petter to slowly get her accustomed to my hand by sliding it down the thing over a period of time? Either way, even with the help of a petter, I'd like to be able to pet her and make her feel loved.

 

[shadowsrescue]

Try some plain cooked chicken or tuna. You need something extra special to get her used to you. I also forgot to attach a picture of the pet petter I made.

Wand petting.JPG

• shadowsrescue
• Sep 18, 2015

Wand petting #2.JPG

• shadowsrescue
• Sep 18, 2015

 

[jopua]

It can take quite awhile for more timid or skittish cats to warm up and feel comfortable. But it's not necessarily about you. Remember that cats are territorial animals and they feel most secure when they are familiar with their environment. Although your apartment may seem small to you, it probably seems very big to your new cat, and it sounds like she's still in the process of exploring the space and becoming more comfortable. In addition to the space, she's also getting used to all the new noises and smells that accompany it. So let her take her time; once she feels more secure in her environment, she'll feel more comfortable exploring how to interact with you.

My cat, Juniper, took quite awhile to warm up to us to the point where she welcomed pets and occasionally sits in our laps. It probably took at least 7 months. What seemed to help was that we designated her cat tree as a spot where we would approach her and see if she was open to being petted. She could see all angles from the tree, so if she didn't want to interact, all she had to do was to jump off and go hide behind the curtains. If she did allow us to approach, we would allow her to smell our hand, and then she would usually rub her chin against our fingers, rather than us reaching toward her to pet her, which seemed to freak her out.

Good luck! I can't advise on cat introductions, unfortunately, since I have only ever had one at a time.

7 months?? You guys were super patient haha Damn. I hope Luci doesn't take that long, but its good to know that sometimes it really does take months and I'm not screwing up.

Luci doesn't like hanging out in high places. She's more of a cave dwelling cat, preferring under the bed, or dark corners of the apartment. She'd go up her cat tree every now and then to chill, but very rarely.

And i always try the whole allowing her to smell my hand thing, waiting for her to rub herself against my hand or run away. Very How to Train Your Dragon. It hasn't worked yet, but really hoping it does soon enough.

 

[jopua]

Try some plain cooked chicken or tuna. You need something extra special to get her used to you. I also forgot to attach a picture of the pet petter I made.

Wand petting.JPG

• shadowsrescue
• Sep 18, 2015

Wand petting #2.JPG

• shadowsrescue
• Sep 18, 2015

Okay, this helps! Now I know what to model mine after. Thanks so so much!

 

[Kittiecuddly]

Your doing a great job as a first time mommy! Keep doing what you are doing you seem to have a great gut instinct for her needs. Progress slow or not is still progress. One thing I'd advise, if you have to get your hands on her to go to the vet? Let a friend do it for you. Don't be in the room yourself as she's being caught and caged. You don't want her to associate you with things that are scary or undesirable to her. Be the one who gets her out of the cage. Make sure whoever catches her isn't around when you get her home and let her back out. She needs to see your face only. That way your her hero not the meany. You'll gain her trust much quicker that way.

 

[jopua]

Your doing a great job as a first time mommy! Keep doing what you are doing you seem to have a great gut instinct for her needs. Progress slow or not is still progress. One thing I'd advise, if you have to get your hands on her to go to the vet? Let a friend do it for you. Don't be in the room yourself as she's being caught and caged. You don't want her to associate you with things that are scary or undesirable to her. Be the one who gets her out of the cage. Make sure whoever catches her isn't around when you get her home and let her back out. She needs to see your face only. That way your her hero not the meany. You'll gain her trust much quicker that way.

I was actually considering this! My friend who brought her to me the first time offered to help. She hated getting into her carrier and scratched my friend.

Would it be better to just do that, have a friend get her into the carrier, or do i just make the vet come over to my apartment? I Found a vet who does home visits. It might be less stressful? My worry is she might not feel safe at home anymore if that happens? Like a stranger came and did stuff to her in her own territory? Or am I overthinking it?

 

[Kittiecuddly]

Not over thinking. My kitties are like my kids and I take their every want and need into consideration with their personality. Just feel like it's only fair to their individual personalities. I wouldn't have a vet come over, your thinking along the right lines. Her home is her safe place in a big scary world. It'd make it hard on her to realize her home isn't as safe as she thought. I'd even consider having your friend scruff her really good and carrying her out to the car to put her in the carrier, instead of putting her in in the house. Just to make her home feel as safe as possible.

 

[jopua]

Not over thinking. My kitties are like my kids and I take their every want and need into consideration with their personality. Just feel like it's only fair to their individual personalities. I wouldn't have a vet come over, your thinking along the right lines. Her home is her safe place in a big scary world. It'd make it hard on her to realize her home isn't as safe as she thought. I'd even consider having your friend scruff her really good and carrying her out to the car to put her in the carrier, instead of putting her in in the house. Just to make her home feel as safe as possible.

I live in a condo on the 21st floor, so maybe that's not feasible! haha But I get where you're coming from. I'll have my friend do it, if she's game to do so, and I'll just bring her to the vet as opposed to the vet coming over.

Thanks so much for the advice!

 

[maggie101]

Whenever there is a timid cat it is best not to walk towards her. Cats love being scratched by the ears then slowly move to her head, and back . If she won't let you scratch behind her ears, start on the ground

 

[jopua]

Whenever there is a timid cat it is best not to walk towards her. Cats love being scratched by the ears then slowly move to her head, and back . If she won't let you scratch behind her ears, start on the ground

She won't let me scratch or touch her anywhere, for sure. haha What do you mean by start on the ground though?

 

[Etarre]

Luci doesn't like hanging out in high places. She's more of a cave dwelling cat, preferring under the bed, or dark corners of the apartment. She'd go up her cat tree every now and then to chill, but very rarely.

And i always try the whole allowing her to smell my hand thing, waiting for her to rub herself against my hand or run away. Very How to Train Your Dragon. It hasn't worked yet, but really hoping it does soon enough.

Luci sounds much more comfortable in your apartment than Juniper was in the same amount of time, so I'm guessing it'll go faster for you two.

Does Luci let you approach her while she's in one of the cave-like spaces she's picked as hers? Juniper used to nap behind an unused a/c unit that we had in the back of the closet, and I'd crawl into the closet and talk to her for a bit and then she'd let me pet her. I was worried that she'd feel cornered, but she seemed happy to have company. Maybe Luci would be more open to interaction if she's in one of her spaces. Just approach carefully and give her the chance to escape if she wants to.

Yes!! I think they modeled the behavior of those dragons on cats for sure....

 

[maggie101]

She won't let me scratch or touch her anywhere, for sure. haha What do you mean by start on the ground though?

Hand on ground so she can sniff it

 

[quietdumpling]

Aww you're not a bad cat parent at all. I can understand how you feel though. Patience is key. Every cat is so different and you just have to let them be themselves and learn to trust you. I have 3 cats and they all moved at different paces. The first two were pretty friendly, one let us pet her right at the shelter, the second took over a month before she was ready. She would bite me when I tried to pet her at the beginning. The third one ran and hid from us for months. If we found him he would allow us to touch him but it took nearly a year before he became really receptive and would start asking for pets.