Separating Cats - Requesting Advice

[bkkmeow]

Hi Cat Site Forum! Have a bit of a dilemma, would love some advice.

A feral cat ended up hanging out a lot in front of my family's house about 14 months ago. I was travelling, and he wasn't very friendly with my sister's cats and the family ended up keeping him in my room. I spent a few weeks with him when I got back. With the plan of adopting him out, I took him to my girlfriend's place where I spent 70% of the time so he could learn along to get it with other cats - she has two, G (female) and S (male). We ended up deciding to keep M.

M and S ended up becoming very good friends, cuddling and playing together all the time- over the last 6 months a but less than before, but they are still attached to each other. M is a super-affectionate cat.

We added a puppy to the family 3 months ago- M was friendliest to her, G hostile, and S first scared but eventually becoming friendly.

Unfortunately my girlfriend and I broke up little over a month ago as she has decided she wants to move back to her home country in a year after her current contract is up, which I don't want to do. G and S are very attached to her, while M and the puppy love both of us. As I was moving out, we agreed that she would keep M and the puppy until I found a suitable place for the pets. My ex told me that M really missed me (I would visit once a week while she was at work).

I finally moved M and the puppy over a week ago. The puppy has been fine, but M has been somewhat down (a bit better over the last few days but still not as happy as normal). I feel that on top of adjusting to a new place, he is also missing S.

My dilemma at the moment:
1) Have we made the wrong decision in separating them? Would it be wiser to give M back to my ex, in the knowledge that she would take him to the other side of the world in a year? I adore him but want him to be happy.
2) Should I consider the occasional visitation? Someone suggested to me leaving him at my ex's for 2-3 days every couple of weeks to soften the blow. I'm not sure about this - I feel like he is going through a grieving process for his friend, and taking him to visit again and again may make things worse as I would separate them again and again.

Any advice very much appreciated.

 

[Jem]

I wouldn't do the occasional visitations. Although it does seem like M is a pretty laid back kitty, moving back and forth all the time is usually very stressful for cats. Cats don't like change, so I think the best thing you can do for him is create a routine and stick to it which includes regular play time with him. Cats can grieve a loss, but they do overcome them. It may just take a bit for him to adjust to his new situation, but I'm sure he will be very happy staying with you as you seem to be very loving and attentive. You could (if this is an option for you) adopt a new kitty for him for companionship, once things have settled and if you think he would like a new friend.
Does he (and the dog) still like to play with each other? Is M still eating, drinking, using litter box, attentive and loving towards you? If the only thing you have noticed is that he has "slowed down" a bit and seems a bit "down". It could just be that he does not have as much stimulation as before, not in a bad way, just not as much activity (2 other cats to encourage him to play with).
As mentioned, cats don't like change, and he has had several different changes in his life, but it seems (if you answered yes to my above questions) that he will do just fine and just needs some time to adjust.

 

[bkkmeow]

Hi Jem - M is pretty laid back. He was a bit anxious when he was on his own (before I moved him to my ex's a year ago) and very vocal, but calmed down after he made a new friend. In terms of relationship with the puppy - we used to put the puppy in our living room at night and lock the door in such a way that the cats could come in and out but the puppy couldn't. We frequently found him in the room sleeping near her. When at my ex's, I would often see him walk alongside her and rub her, while she would be a boisterous puppy and quickly lick him on the head.

The puppy is a bit of a wary dog, and takes a bit of time to warm up to new people, but once she does you're her best friend.

Since moving here, he has become even more affectionate with her. He keeps on trying to go and lie down next to her and cuddle with her, and groom her. Sometimes she licks him and grooms him, but often she will move away from him and closer to me. I sometimes see her play (eg she pushes him down gently with her paw or standing above him), which makes me a bit nervous but he doesn't seem to mind. At times he does a gentle nip on her tail or foot, and she just pulls her foot away - I know this is affection, because he does the same with me.

I generally keep them separated when I'm not around (Via a screen door), as I want her to be a bit less boisterous before I leave them together. However, my dad has left them together by mistake (he lives nearby), and there have been no incidents or damage that I have seen.

His behaviour is unfortunately not all "yes's" - he is still eating, drinking and littering. However, he doesn't seem as playful as before, and for the first few days spent a lot of time walking around and vocalising, and still does it now and then for the last couple of days. In the past, he would love to be held by me (would not stop purring), now the purring when being held is much less frequent, and he often signals he wants to be put down after 15-30 seconds. He also seems a lot more lethargic, and will just lie around for a large part of the day (often near the puppy). He seems to have improved a bit compared to the first few days.

Other big difference for him is that at my ex's, the cats were semi-outdoors (she insisted on this for G&S, and naturally M would also go outside but would never go very far). Where I am now, I have a big rooftop terrace (about 100 square metres) which I have covered with netting to make sure that he cannot escape. I'm not a fan of cats being allowed to roam for safety reasons, particularly now, as he may go searching for his "brother."

In terms of the other kitten suggestion you had - I was wondering - would it be better to wait a few weeks until he seems more settled, or do you think it would be worthwhile just getting one now? An animal charity here (where the ex and I adopted S from 1.5 years ago) has told me they are happy for us to take a cat on a 2-week trial (to make sure he/she gets along with M and the puppy).

 

[marmoset]

It sounds like one or two things: M is still getting used to the change or M is growing out of kittenhood. How long ago was the move? It seems like it was very recent. How old is M approximately? Younger cats carry over a lot of the energy and play requirements of kittenhood. So with the other cats there was an outlet for the energy. Kittens are very social and play fight/ chase and groom each other. I also find that true ferals are very social with other cats once brought into a home and they learn from existing cats how to feel/ act in that home. So now, he's in a new place with just a dog for guidance.

The dog has a different nature so is not an absolute substitute for another cat. M probably will just have to have a slower adjustment time as he has to figure things out on his own and gain some confidence.

I would consider another cat if that's also something you want and if your life is pretty stable- then why not? But M will probably be fine with time.

I wouldn't do visitation or have him spend time at the ex's place. I think for you that might get complicated and for him it's too much change.

 

[bkkmeow]

Thanks Marmoset!

M is about a year and a half old (when he showed up at dad's house in February 2018 I believe he was about 2-3 months old).

The move is fairly recent - my ex and I broke up 3rd week of March, and I just brought over M and the puppy 10 days ago to my new place.

I am happy with just M and the puppy, and really would be getting another cat to keep M happy. My life is relatively stable - I travel a fair amount for work (about 4-5 days a month), but in those situations my dad or sister who live nearby will come by a few times a day to spend time with the fur babies and feed them. I'm looking at buying a house next week - the plan would be to try to rent it out, but if I can't get a renter within a few months I may move myself (and M and puppy) in - however, we may move out again if we get a renter. This may be considered unstable for them I guess. The house is quite big - 260 square metres (right now the place I'm in is about 170 or so) and would have more than adequate space.

The ex and I are amicable (she wants to be friends, while I've told her I need some time of no contact to be able to move forward as quickly as possible, so for now we communicate on essentials through dad such as shared rent, etc). I still have a key to the place where we used to live, so getting in an out isn't an issue. However, as you've noted, it may be too much change for him - go back to the old place, get used to having S again, and then leave.

 

[bkkmeow]

Hi guys,

Need some more advice, hope someone can help.

Following the above, I kept M. He was showing some signs of not being settled- sometimes would vocalise late at night, generally not as affectionate as he used to be, and is generally a bit down. He was pretty affectionate with the puppy though.

After 6 weeks, he was a bit better but still down- consulted with my family that knows him (they live nearby), we decided that he will never be really happy without another cat companion.

Got a rescue kitten a week ago on a trial basis (have an understanding that if it doesn't work out I will give him back). He's a pretty friendly desexed Male cat - name is L. Only reason I got him is to be a friend to M.

Followed standard procedure - kitten isolated in separate room for first couple of days (although M rushed in on first day and hissed at him), with M and dog not allowed in this room. Then switched places so that M and puppy had access to kitten's room to get used to his smell, litter, etc.

When M could see L through a screen door separating their 2 parts, he made very agitated meows and hissed. The same when we tried putting them in the same room for short periods (generally with me holding one cat).

On advice of the rescue organisation, I put them in the same room today (day 6) and they've spent a few hours together. M generally is agitated and swipes at the kitten, or just watches him. Kitten is curious and friendly- keeps on approaching, gets hissed at, then backs off. M is generally agitated and swipes at the dog on occasion too (although last night did cuddle with her).

M is now sulking and has gone to the rooftop, and is even angry at me when I try to cuddle him.

Will things get better? I know when M met S (cat now with my ex), they got along pretty much immediately (after 2 days isolation) and were cuddling within 2 days.

My ex told me before I got M from hers that he really missed me (although I don't know how he showed this, I doubt he was as down as he has been for the last 2 months).

Right now I'm in a dilemma- he's pretty much unhappy away from his brother, and I really feel I owe it to him to have a best chance at happiness as I took him off the street to give him the best life I could. Trying to decide whether to just give him back to my ex so he can be with S- it does mean I am unlikely to see him again (I don't see myself going over to my ex's often, if at all, and she will leave the country in less than a year). Other options are give more time with the new kitten, or try things out with another kitten (rescue organisation has said they have kittens that are much more mellow and are ok to take this one back- this kitten is playful but not aggressive at all though).

I just want my boy to be happy.

 

[inkysmom]

I recently took in a kitten just for my 8.5 year old cat who was really grieving his 14 year old cat brother who died march 26. I took in a 9.5 month old male neutered kitten at the end of April.
I kept the kitten locked in my bathroom for a good month or more with s few short visits a day or less.
This is totally normal behavior and they can bond just fine. Isolating for only a few days isn't enough. I also have a large mellow dog.
My kitten is extremely playful and shy around people.
My older cat was running around the house and vocalizing nonstop, still does sometimes. He was bonded to the other cat since he was a three month old kitten.
Now he runs and plays with this new kitten nonstop. Initially there was a lot of hissing and growling. A few swipes.
Give it time and lock up the kitten again for now.
Also understand that every change like another move or new addition can be a positive thing in the long run but in the short term is going to be highly stressful to cats and be a setback to them being happy and affectionate.
I don't think you should give your cat to your ex. It's another move and change and he might be unhappy and hiss at her and his former buddies too. Read all the threads on here about cats suddenly hating each other and fighting after one coming back from a vet visit and smelling differently. Moving again and then moving across the world and losing you and his puppy friend will only be confusing and too many losses for him . And she let's them out which is dangerous.

Try to be patient, give it more time and lock up the kitten again until there's no more growling or hissing.