Separated bonded ferals and one passed away

[Amanda26]

I have not yet processed what happened and feel like I'm in a nightmare.

There were 2 community cats outside of my apartment for years, Oliver and Ginger. They were fed by an elderly neighbor who started having a hard time caring for them and I began feeding them.

Oliver is an abandoned pet and is more socialized, Ginger could not be handled but he was a very sweet cat.

I was not in the position to take them in, when Oliver became sick and also was stuck in the boiler room for days. The complex threw out their shelter. Ginger was stuck inside a crawlspace and I opened it with a screwdriver. I took them both in to protect them while looking for a home for them together.

I had bad asthma from my cat allergy and i was stressed at work which was making this more confusing. It was difficult and stressful trapping Ginger to bring him to the vet and i began to think that he was not adoptable for a home. I read about cat socialization on alley cat allies and i thought he would be happier not so close with people.

I found a feral sanctuary for the 2 of them. However with time I saw that Oliver was not feral. I made the terrible mistake of sending Ginger to the sanctuary without Oliver.

I requested many updates and the woman there always said Ginger was doing well and making friends. She sent a picture of him snuggled up with another cat. I asked for an update last week and she said that he was doing well and his new catio was almost ready.

However Oliver has been missing Ginger immensely and I was working out the logistics of bringing Ginger back home. I realized that I made a mistake separating them. The sanctuary said that I could bring Ginger home if Oliver continued to struggle. I got an inhaler and started allergy shots, and i was looking at 2 bedroom apartments so I could contain Ginger more easily.

I waited too long deciding what to do and the sanctuary caretaker said Ginger passed away yesterday. He just suddenly died in the night. Now it is too late to bring him home and reunite him with Oliver.

I know that i made a terrible mistake separating them. I was trying to fix it but i took too long. I was feeling confused because of how Ginger was unsocilaized, and from the updates I got he seemed to be doing well at the sanctuary. I was worried about bringing him home and disrupting him. I'm worried that he was actually suffering this whole time and I didn't know. I trusted the sanctuary when they said he was doing well. I didnt get even one update that said he was stressed or sick, everything was positive. I had been chatting with a vet on chewy about this just yesterday, and I actually drafted an email to the sanctuary with my decision to bring Ginger home. I waited too long.

I am so sorry Ginger for bringing you there away from Oliver. If i had known you were struggling I would have brought you back home right away.

I hope Oliver can eventually recover. I know this will stay with me forever. I hope Ginger knew how deeply I cared for him and loved him and I hope he didnt suffer at the sanctuary.

 

[KittyCat_chitchat]

I am so sorry that you had to go through this. It's inevitable to beat yourself up, but please remember that every decision you made was made because you wanted the best for these cats. You have already done so much more than many people would by taking them in and doing everything in your power to make sure they were happy, healthy, and well cared for. The fact that you care enough to feel sadness and remorse shows that you are wonderful person.

In the end, what matters is that, no matter how things turned out, Ginger and Oliver had/have someone who loved and cared about them, and who saw them as more than rubbish or vermin. That is something that all cats deserve, and that far too many never have.

The best way to memorialise Ginger and overcome the guilt you feel is to keep working towards a happy ending for Oliver. Give him time to mourn, and time to settle into a 'new normal'. Make sure that he is as happy as he can be in the circumstances, and look after yourself, too. I also have a cat allergy, albeit a mild one that mostly just manifests as eczema, and I have been able to manage it and keep my cats, so it can be done. I do know, however, that my allergy symptoms get worse with stress, and I would not want you to compromise your own health, especially if your symptoms were life threatening.

Here are some pages on this site that you may find useful:
Do Cats Mourn? Supporting Your Pet Through Loss
Living With Cat Allergy [A Comprehensive Guide]

I wish you and Oliver all the best.

 

[tabbytom]

I waited too long deciding what to do and the sanctuary caretaker said Ginger passed away yesterday. He just suddenly died in the night. Now it is too late to bring him home and reunite him with Oliver.

We are so sorry to hear this

I agree with KittyCat_chitchat , give Oliver time to mourn and also for yourself to heal over this. I guess the unforeseen circumstances are beyond our control.

I do hope the hearts mend well. Sending hugs over

In the meanwhile, do keep us posted of Oliver and feel free to ask questions and we are most glad to help if we can answer them.

 

[Amanda26]

Thank you. I just feel so remorseful because I was going to bring him home and I waited too long and he died because of me.

 

[Amanda26]

I am so sorry that you had to go through this. It's inevitable to beat yourself up, but please remember that every decision you made was made because you wanted the best for these cats. You have already done so much more than many people would by taking them in and doing everything in your power to make sure they were happy, healthy, and well cared for. The fact that you care enough to feel sadness and remorse shows that you are wonderful person.

In the end, what matters is that, no matter how things turned out, Ginger and Oliver had/have someone who loved and cared about them, and who saw them as more than rubbish or vermin. That is something that all cats deserve, and that far too many never have.

The best way to memorialise Ginger and overcome the guilt you feel is to keep working towards a happy ending for Oliver. Give him time to mourn, and time to settle into a 'new normal'. Make sure that he is as happy as he can be in the circumstances, and look after yourself, too. I also have a cat allergy, albeit a mild one that mostly just manifests as eczema, and I have been able to manage it and keep my cats, so it can be done. I do know, however, that my allergy symptoms get worse with stress, and I would not want you to compromise your own health, especially if your symptoms were life threatening.

Here are some pages on this site that you may find useful:
Do Cats Mourn? Supporting Your Pet Through Loss
Living With Cat Allergy [A Comprehensive Guide]

I wish you and Oliver all the best.

Thank you. I just feel so remorseful because I was going to bring him home and I waited too long and he died because of me.

 

[tabbytom]

Thank you. I just feel so remorseful because I was going to bring him home and I waited too long and he died because of me.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself

 

[Kwik]

Thank you. I just feel so remorseful because I was going to bring him home and I waited too long and he died because of me.

Well you saw photos of Ginger snuggling with another cat and looking well,the caregivers told you he was doing well- its doesn't seem to me you played any part in his passing away,he may have had an undetected heart problem and died peacefully in his sleep from cardiac arrest.... these things happen even with human beings -I'm not sure why you think you are to blame or why you do not believe the reports from the Sanctuary.......did you ask if they knew his cause of death?Perhaps you might feel better speaking with them again and maybe they can help you to understand what they think happened

Now you have to focus on the living,Oliver..... how is he struggling ,is he eating,drinking and using the litter box okay?

I'm sorry for your loss- RIP little Ginger




-

 

[Amanda26]

Well you saw photos of Ginger snuggling with another cat and looking well,the caregivers told you he was doing well- its doesn't seem to me you played any part in his passing away,he may have had an undetected heart problem and died peacefully in his sleep from cardiac arrest.... these things happen even with human beings -I'm not sure why you think you are to blame or why you do not believe the reports from the Sanctuary.......did you ask if they knew his cause of death?Perhaps you might feel better speaking with them again and maybe they can help you to understand what they think happened

Now you have to focus on the living,Oliver..... how is he struggling ,is he eating,drinking and using the litter box okay?

I'm sorry for your loss- RIP little Ginger




-

I knew how attached they were to each other and I still separated them. It's been almost 4 months and Oliver is still struggling. I should have trusted myself and brought Ginger home. Oliver and I loved him so much and I made a terrible mistake.

 

[Amanda26]

I knew how attached they were to each other and I still separated them. It's been almost 4 months and Oliver is still struggling. I should have trusted myself and brought Ginger home. Oliver and I loved him so much and I made a terrible mistake.

I am having a very hard time eating or sleeping.

 

[Amanda26]

Well you saw photos of Ginger snuggling with another cat and looking well,the caregivers told you he was doing well- its doesn't seem to me you played any part in his passing away,he may have had an undetected heart problem and died peacefully in his sleep from cardiac arrest.... these things happen even with human beings -I'm not sure why you think you are to blame or why you do not believe the reports from the Sanctuary.......did you ask if they knew his cause of death?Perhaps you might feel better speaking with them again and maybe they can help you to understand what they think happened

Now you have to focus on the living,Oliver..... how is he struggling ,is he eating,drinking and using the litter box okay?

I'm sorry for your loss- RIP little Ginger




-

He is eating and using the litter box okay but he cries for Ginger and is anxious and sad.

 

[KittyCat_chitchat]

I am having a very hard time eating or sleeping.

Please take care of yourself. Oliver is still reliant on you, and you need to be well enough to care for him. And look after yourself for your own sake, too. Is there anybody you know that you can talk to about what you're going through right now? Maybe a friend, family, vet, or, if you are religious, somebody in the local community of your religion? I understand if there isn't. Just keeping venting here. We'll listen and try our best to get you through this, for both you and Oliver.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Vent all you need here. We'll listen, and will not judge. You made what you thought was the ONLY decision at the time. And, in the end, the best we can do is the best we can do.

Thank you. I just feel so remorseful because I was going to bring him home and I waited too long and he died because of me.

No, Ginger did NOT die because of you. Ginger died because of some hidden disease or defect that had nothing to do with you, or where he was. Cats are masters at hiding illness, and if experienced cat handlers did not catch something going on, you almost certainly would not have. The only difference would have been where he died. PLEASE don't blame yourself for his death.

 

[tabbytom]

Keep yourself together, Oliver can sense your emotions and this will also add on to his grieve for Ginger and this is not helping for both of you.

 

[Amanda26]

Vent all you need here. We'll listen, and will not judge. You made what you thought was the ONLY decision at the time. And, in the end, the best we can do is the best we can do.


No, Ginger did NOT die because of you. Ginger died because of some hidden disease or defect that had nothing to do with you, or where he was. Cats are masters at hiding illness, and if experienced cat handlers did not catch something going on, you almost certainly would not have. The only difference would have been where he died. PLEASE don't blame yourself for his death.

Ginger loved Oliver so much and I should never have separated them. I should have brought him home while I had the chance, I had 4 months and I didn't do right by him. I think he may have died of a broken heart.

I think the sanctuary caretaker may not have seen that be was sad because he was afraid of her. When she went into the cat house he would hide in a cubby. She thought he was okay but I should have known better. I knew how important they were to each other.

I just keep imagining his last moments. He was probably wondering why I brought him there and where Oliver was. He always tried to protect Oliver and he was probably so worried about him. This was all my fault.

 

[Amanda26]

Please take care of yourself. Oliver is still reliant on you, and you need to be well enough to care for him. And look after yourself for your own sake, too. Is there anybody you know that you can talk to about what you're going through right now? Maybe a friend, family, vet, or, if you are religious, somebody in the local community of your religion? I understand if there isn't. Just keeping venting here. We'll listen and try our best to get you through this, for both you and Oliver.

Yes I have been talking with my friends about this and therapist. Thank you 🩷 I am feeling a little better right now than I was yesterday and this morning.

 

[fionasmom]

Is Ginger the cat to whom you referred to as Red in your previous thread? I apologize if I am not following the story correctly.

I completely agree that you had nothing to do with the passing of Ginger and that sudden fatal events can occur. I lost two cats to clots, neither living under anything even close to a stressful condition. However, in the case of the second one, she had returned from the vet after a fructosamine test. She was older and diabetic, but my point is that she passed almost immediately. The vet agreed that it may have been stress which caused it, but my point in all of this is that it happened very quickly. Broken heart syndrome, which some doctors agree is a condition, is usually prompted by a massive surge of adrenaline after a very stressful event. It is much less recognized as happening months later, which leads me back to my agreement with others that this was from a physical condition, not an emotional one.

As I said before, you did an amazing job of championing these cats and protecting them from what was happening to them in the neighborhood. You even found a sanctuary which can be next to impossible to do.

Sanctuary owners keep an eye out for sick cats. They have to which leads me to believe that this was a very sudden passing.

If Ginger is Red, or even a similar cat, you had mentioned that there could be trouble handling him, including getting him out in an emergency. If this is true, what is happening is that it all looks easier in retrospect as you grieve for him but the reality of keeping him might have been different.

She sent a picture of him snuggled up with another cat.

This sounds as if he had made friends and I doubt that the picture was anything but real.

I have had several bonded pairs of cats over the years and eventually one passed on. There was often a period of adjustment, but they did adjust to their new life without their friend. You should not blame yourself for any of this.

 

[Amanda26]

Is Ginger the cat to whom you referred to as Red in your previous thread? I apologize if I am not following the story correctly.

I completely agree that you had nothing to do with the passing of Ginger and that sudden fatal events can occur. I lost two cats to clots, neither living under anything even close to a stressful condition. However, in the case of the second one, she had returned from the vet after a fructosamine test. She was older and diabetic, but my point is that she passed almost immediately. The vet agreed that it may have been stress which caused it, but my point in all of this is that it happened very quickly. Broken heart syndrome, which some doctors agree is a condition, is usually prompted by a massive surge of adrenaline after a very stressful event. It is much less recognized as happening months later, which leads me back to my agreement with others that this was from a physical condition, not an emotional one.

As I said before, you did an amazing job of championing these cats and protecting them from what was happening to them in the neighborhood. You even found a sanctuary which can be next to impossible to do.

Sanctuary owners keep an eye out for sick cats. They have to which leads me to believe that this was a very sudden passing.

If Ginger is Red, or even a similar cat, you had mentioned that there could be trouble handling him, including getting him out in an emergency. If this is true, what is happening is that it all looks easier in retrospect as you grieve for him but the reality of keeping him might have been different.

This sounds as if he had made friends and I doubt that the picture was anything but real.

I have had several bonded pairs of cats over the years and eventually one passed on. There was often a period of adjustment, but they did adjust to their new life without their friend. You should not blame yourself for any of this.

Yes Ginger is Red. He was so sensitive and loving and I just feel sick to my stomach. He was not able to be handled. I wish I could have made it work, I kept thinking of how I could bring him home and then feeling stuck and too much time passed. I hope that you are right.

 

[Amanda26]

Yes Ginger is Red. He was so sensitive and loving and I just feel sick to my stomach. He was not able to be handled. I wish I could have made it work, I kept thinking of how I could bring him home and then feeling stuck and too much time passed. I hope that you are right.

The caretaker said that he did not appear to be sick at all, and she was very upset as well.

 

[fionasmom]

He was not able to be handled

While it is true that some cats, over a long period of time, will adapt and learn to be handled it is not true of all of them. I have had two "indoor ferals" in my life, not referring to my other cats who are socialized ferals and have become pets.

 

[xenonentity]

Amanda26 Oh, please don't blame yourself; I know how hard that is to do when an animal passes, especially unexpectedly. I still have guilt for the car accident that killed our puppy in May - is it my fault she was able to get out of the yard? Could I have brought her in faster? It's so hard not to feel blame for it.

But from the sound of things, it wasn't loneliness or stress that caused Ginger to pass. He was making friends at the sanctuary you sent him to and as far as everyone knew, he was healthy. I think his life as a feral, including the likelihood of bad genetics, was the true culprit.

Though it's so sad that you weren't able to bring him home, it wasn't your fault. You did everything you could, more than most people would even consider doing, to give him the best possible life. Especially dealing with allergies - my ex was so quick to coerce me into giving up my kitten because of her allergies, and I foolishly lamented. So many don't even try to work through it - but you are, and that takes time. You can't sacrifice your own health either.

You seem like a caring, loving person and I hope you're able to one day reach a better place with Ginger's passing. Either way, you and Oliver still have each other - cherish that bond, and you will both take steps to heal together.