This past Thursday I elected to put my sweet boy to sleep. He had been diagnosed with large-cell nasal lymphoma just under two months ago. I elected not to try chemotherapy. He was doing pretty well on just the steroids until about a week ago, when he started to have long stretches of time when he seemed very listless and out of things. I vowed I wouldn't let him go like that for more than a day but he would recover and seem better for the next couple of days. But on Thursday morning he absolutely refused to eat (not even tuna fish), meowed when I picked him up (he was normally a very pliant and tolerant cat), and had a steady stream of green discharge running from his nose. He did not seem happy although he was using the litter box normally and could walk normally. I decided to take him to the vet. The vet said I could try some small things, maybe a course of antibiotics, maybe an appetite stimulant, maybe a pain medicine, but that these measures a. might not work; and b. would only be temporary due to the underlying cause. He was clearly not comfortable at the vet and even hissed at her (not that many cats are happy at the vet but he was normally pretty tolerant and he had never hissed at a vet before, he barely hissed at all). The temptation to try something was strong, it was. But I decided I didn't want to start him on a roller coaster of treatment when the end result would still be the same. I also didn't want him to get worse, as can happen with nasal tumors because they can push into the brain. I would rather say goodbye to him a day early. I decided to let him go and said goodbye.
It's been very hard, a lot harder than I thought and I've done this before. I had him for ten years. He was with me through some very rough times. He was a warm and comforting presence. He was a big sweetie and always had a headbutt for me.
The worse part is the doubt. Should I have tried something? I'll never know. I just hope he's Ok now and that he forgives me.
It's been very hard, a lot harder than I thought and I've done this before. I had him for ten years. He was with me through some very rough times. He was a warm and comforting presence. He was a big sweetie and always had a headbutt for me.
The worse part is the doubt. Should I have tried something? I'll never know. I just hope he's Ok now and that he forgives me.