Said Goodbye To Timmer This Morning

[Timmer]

Thanks. Thanks for your response. It was especially hard, not knowing how he felt after I gave it to him. I remember the first night I did it, I cried so hard. About two hours after he got the dose, he closed his eyes and lowered his head and I thought oh.....oh.....he has to be feeling it. He didn't sleep with me that night. I have no idea what it feels like, never having it myself. He never had any side effects after that, but I was never sure what to expect...vomiting? ...but he never did. And then for the GI specialist to tell me oh, it will take two months to kick in. We didn't have that kind of time! And she told me there was no guarantees it would work.

I'll never forget Christmas Eve taking him to the ER in a blizzard and close to zero degrees out that evening and when they took him in the back to check him out, I sat down in the waiting room next to a woman reading a book and we ended up talking. She said that she had her cat in for constipation, which at the time, was why I had him up there. She casually said "Oh, yeah, I bring a book with me. That's the routine. I'm up here every couple of weeks getting enemas for my cat because of constipation. Every time I come up here it's $1,000." I did not want to become that woman, putting my cat through that, not getting answers, and spending that kind of money for a low quality of life.

It was a week ago today I said bye to Tim. As I write this, I would have been on my way home last week with an empty carrier. It's still so hard to believe that he's not with me. It's going to be a tough day today. I can feel tears behind my eyes. I miss my guy.

 

[di and bob]

Every day for a long time will be measured by how long it has been. It's been over 5 years for me and I still feel the tears burning. Then lost my old boy Burt just a few months ago, and it brings all those feelings back. He was ready to go, he was so tired of trying.......and then I cry again for accepting his death more easily because I was relieved it was over, and he was no longer fighting.

 

[Timmer]

I don't think I mourned my brother's death the way I have mourned over my cat, but then brother and I got to say our peace. Don't get me wrong, it was sad but... and my brother didn't live with me either.

 

[di and bob]

I loved my dad with all my heart, and I miss him so much,but his death hit me more like Burts, my senior cats death. He was very old, he lived a good life, and he was ready. Chrissy's death so far has been the hardest and the longest I have ever been in mourning. She was my soulmate and I can never forgive myself for having a part in her death.
These precious little beings are a part of our heart and soul, they loved us unconditionally and with all their tiny hearts.They have never judged, never criticized, just loved. It is a different kind of love because when they died they took a part of us with them that we will never get back. But in return, they gave us so much more, a love that can never be matched.

 

[denice]

Try very hard not to dwell on the what ifs. The vet offered more meds and blood work for Patches but I chose not to. I remember when he had the flares before he was diagnosed and then he went into fatty liver. It was when he had fatty liver that I tried one more vet and she got things right. I got 8 great years with him after that. He started loosing weight several months ago so I knew the end was near. I was hoping he would make it to Christmas and he did. When he got sick again even though he was on the steroid it was time. I didn't want to put him through more steroid, appetite stimulant and more blood work because I really believe that it would have been putting him through all that just to postpone things. I really believe that he wasn't going to come back around this time.

It is hard though. This morning I went to get wet food ready and I got two dishes out, then I remembered there is only one now.

 

[Timmer]

I loved my dad with all my heart, and I miss him so much,but his death hit me more like Burts, my senior cats death. He was very old, he lived a good life, and he was ready. Chrissy's death so far has been the hardest and the longest I have ever been in mourning. She was my soulmate and I can never forgive myself for having a part in her death.
These precious little beings are a part of our heart and soul, they loved us unconditionally and with all their tiny hearts.They have never judged, never criticized, just loved. It is a different kind of love because when they died they took a part of us with them that we will never get back. But in return, they gave us so much more, a love that can never be matched.

I feel like Timmer had no clue what I was doing when I took him in last week. He was crying in the carrier as I drove. Whenver I would take him in before I would say "no worries buddy, you're coming home. Mom is bringing you home." Last Friday I had no comforting words for him. The vet did it very quickly and told me I was doing the right thing. I wish I had said let's try for longer but off he went with my cat then brought him back. I craddled Tim in my arms and cried and cried. He was shaking he was so scared and then he stopped shaking and became limper and limper in my arms. I held his head up and he was looking around and our eyes met and then I saw that light leave his eyes. The vet came back in shortly thereafter and told me Nancy, he cannot feel anything and he does not know you are here right now. Do you want to stay for the last injection or go? I stayed. I hugged him until his last breath and then some. I wish I could take it all back. I do. People can tell me I did the right thing over and over and I won't stop wishing I could take it back. Particularly when I read on here from others that their cats bounced back after this or that procedure or pill.

I know my mind tells me that my vet was right. He wasn't going to get better. I think the GI specialist wanted me to hang in there longer. She told me just take him to your vet and have him evaluated or bring him back here. But when I got home from work that night and he had been violently ill during the day -- home without me and probably sick, in intense pain and scared. I made the decision that he was to never go through that again.
I MISS HIM SO MUCH. Still can't believe he's gone.

 

[di and bob]

Don't torture yourself with all those should haves, could haves. They change nothing and only bring more pain. Your sweet baby is at peace now. Of course you miss him, he was a big part of your life. You always will. Time will heal your heart, but the scar will always be there. Be thankful you knew him, he brought so much into your life. You can still talk to him, he will always be near. His tiny soul forever tied to yours. don't be afraid to let your pain out, your grief is equal to your love.
The pain can consume you if you let it, don't go there. Concentrate on the good, the love, not the pain. Try to distract your heart from dwelling on the end by doing good in your little boy's name. Pass on his legacy of love through donations of litter and food, or even your time in his name to your local shelter. It does help to make you feel a little better about yourself. I knew my little girl would be proud I paid for a cat's adoption, that she saved a life and helped to find a forever home for another little soul in need. It made me proud to see her name on the cage. I still do this.
I wish I could take your pain away, I know how much it hurts. But it is something everyone must work through. You'll never get over it, you will find a new life's order and work through it. With a little help from your friends!

 

[Timmer]

Don't torture yourself with all those should haves, could haves. They change nothing and only bring more pain. Your sweet baby is at peace now. Of course you miss him, he was a big part of your life. You always will. Time will heal your heart, but the scar will always be there. Be thankful you knew him, he brought so much into your life. You can still talk to him, he will always be near. His tiny soul forever tied to yours. don't be afraid to let your pain out, your grief is equal to your love.

Thank you di and bob. Each day brings a new pain to my heart of firsts, without Tim. Today was the first time I had been to Petsmart for food for my other kitty, Lupita. It was hard thinking of all the foods he liked, the foods I tried to encourage him to eat when he got sick. I got a sympathy card from his GI specialist and his nurse yesterday, telling me what a great cat he was and that I made the right decision; that Timmer was grateful I made the decision to let him go. I think those are just kind words to make me feel better. It's all very painful but I did make a nice donation in his name to the local shelter where I got him. One day I will go back and find another kitty. Tim was a very special boy though.
Thank you for your kindness.

 

[angel]

I am so sorry.

 

[Timmer]

Tomorrow, Friday, will have been a month since I lost my sweet boy. I still cry every single day for him. I miss him so much. I can't believe he's been gone a month. It just hurts so much. It doesn't help that tonight I had dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in months. As we were leaving the restaurant she asked how's your cat? I told her he passed away. I told her he got sick over Thanksgiving and I had him in the ER...she screams out "you spent hundreds of dollars on him and you could have just taken the money and gotten another one!" I about lost it. I started crying and said "how about you lose your son and I tell you go out and adopt another one?!" I haven't stopped crying since I lost the restaurant. She did apologize for being so insensitive but hey, the damage is done now. I should have never shared with her so much. I should have just told her he died and left it go.

I'd just give anything to have my Timmer back. I know he's not in pain anymore, and for that I'm glad.
I got to talk to our vet last week because I was feeling so unsettled. He told me that there really was nothing else I could have done for Timmer. Timmer just didn't respond anymore to the medication.

 

[Kitty Mommy]

I'm so sorry about Timmer. It takes a long time for things to feel right again. Please don't feel guilty. You did everything you could to make him better. I'm sorry your friend was so mean. Some people just don't understand how important a cat companion is. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you will start to feel better. Take as much time as you need to grieve. He was very special to you and even though he has crossed he will always be in your heart.

 

[Timmer]

Thank you, Kitty Mommy. Sometimes it just feels like it happened a few days ago, and I guess a month isn't that long. I just miss him so much. It hurts so bad. He was my whole life.

 

[Kitty Mommy]

I know what you mean. I lost my Tiger about 4 months ago and although the pain has dulled some I think of him every day and I still miss him. It took me awhile before I put his things away and sometimes I will get out his bed and just hold it. I did a journal for him and writing down my memories of him helped.

 

[di and bob]

Your heart hurts just as much for your loss as for any human. Many times these special companions are even closer to us then many humans. Your friend was very insensitive about your feelings.You have suffered a loss and are in pain, no matter what the reason or for who, a true friend would have supported you even if she didn't understand.
I cried so much that first year I didn't think it would ever stop. I couldn't stop thinking about it. But time helps, no matter how much of it it takes, the grieving process is something that can't be rushed or shortened, you need as much time as it takes. Timmer's leaving has changed your life forever and it takes time, sometimes a long time, to make a new life's order for yourself and learn to live again. May God help you to find healing for your heart and peace for your soul.