Said Goodbye To Timmer This Morning

[Timmer]

Snuggles Ann, I'm glad you have those photos and those memories...and that Green Day song, how cool is that?
Yes, it's a day of firsts, every day. Every little thing...even today the sweater I wore has a few strands of his fur on it. Refuse to pull them off. I know one day I will wash this sweater. I think I mentioned that when the vet shaved his back leg to put in the final injection, I asked for the fur and he put it in a zip lock. Wish I had asked for more. Geez, another regret and guilt trip! I have it next to his photo and I get it out and kiss it now and then but I'm afraid eventually if I handle it too much the fur will sort of dissipate.

Something that has made me feel a little better -- I found on Amazon they sell some pretty pendants that are tiny urns, so you can put some of your pet's ashes in those and wear them around your neck. What do you think of that? I kind of like that. One by Valyria is a celtic knot. Very pretty. Not today, but one day, and one day soon, I may get one so I can carry my boy around with me. If you care to look it's on Amazon and I just searched cremation urns for cats and it was down on the first page. There are several other pendants and also key chain urns. I would have never thought they had such things.

Ahhh....it just still hurts so much doesn't it? I grieve with you.

 

[SnugglesAnn]

I saw those pendants the other day when I was thinking about keeping the ashes on my shelf. They really do have some nice options. We buried my baby's ashes on Saturday under an oak tree in my mom's back yard. Very peaceful there and all of our family pets are there (I might be too someday). I spoke to my mom this morning and she said that yesterday the yard was shaded except for that area around the tree. She loved the sunshine so that was the perfect spot.

Now I don't feel so bad- I have this one sweater that I was using the other day when we are sleeping on the couch together. I refuse to wash it. I know her hair is everywhere in here (don't think it will ever go way completely for which I'm thankful for), but I just can't bring myself to wash that particular sweater. I just keep putting it to the side and putting it back on when I need to feel her presence again. Probably never will wash it. I remember thinking at one time that I felt like my house was always inundated with cat hair. Now I cherish that.

 

[Timmer]

OK, after I posted about the pendant I reread some of your posts and saw you buried the ashes. I'm glad you have a safe place to do that where you feel confident you can leave them. Like I said, I believe I will move one day from my house and I wouldn't want to leave mine behind. I can't think of any place I would bury my kitties so I have them on the mantle.
When my cat Pickles passed away I made a huge mistake and in my grief went into a cleaning mode (did the same thing when my mom died). I cleaned up everything and washed the blankets and afterwards it struck me "Oh my gosh, washed her away!!!" I cried for hours and beat myself up. I didn't want to do that with Timmer. Right, you don't have to wash that sweater. You keep that. I've got a throw we always snuggled up with so I won't be washing that til I'm ready. I did wash another throw that he had been sick on...didn't want to be reminded of that. I've still got a bit of fur in the comb from when I last groomed him. I'll hang onto that.
I have pretty much kept a bit of fur from all of my cats but after a time it doesn't mean a lot. The memories of our life and good times replace it. But even so, for now, I have his fur and I cherish it beyond measure. I'm so glad I have it and like I said (more guilt) wish I had asked for more.
I was thinking to when he passed, I was cradling him like a baby and held his head up as he got weaker with sleep and we looked into each other's eyes. Our eyes locked and I saw him go. That was like a sword going through my heart. But what a privilege to be able to do that with him. It hurts so bad. Wish I could have had more time with him. I know you feel that way too.

 

[Timmer]

The vet just called. Tim's ashes are in, so I get to pick up my boy tonight and bring him home.
What a hard day this has been.

 

[SnugglesAnn]

I wish I could take the pain away. I really do. It's almost as if when they take their last breath here on earth, it takes away our breath and reason to live. Especially when we were taking care of ones that were sick. I find myself still trying to "figure it out", hoping that if I do, the problem will be solved. Like you said though on my post, more surgeries, more medicine- none of that is a guarantee to help nor a guarantee that their life would have been any better. We can only know that we took care of them and did for them what many would not have. We loved them with all hearts and that will never change. I can't take way the pain, but know that I'm still listening and will be for as long as you need me to.

 

[Timmer]

Thanks for still listening to me. Ditto, for you.
What complicates things is that they can't talk to us and say my tummy hurts or my mouth hurts. They can but, a lot of times the communication is abstract to us. Like I think about Tim and sometimes the past month he would go sit in a dark room rather than watch TV with me. I knew that meant he didn't feel well but I couldn't hear from him what was going on exactly. I would turn the TV off and go sit with him. Same with your kitty. And I really do believe that once we got into that syringe feeding, it's not good but we do that because we have so much love. So. Much. Love. And so much hope. I can't tell you enough SnugglesAnn that you took amazing care of your sweetie. So many people out there would have given up.

Well, listen, this is pretty cool. I picked up Tim's ashes this evening and was surprised that the vet had had his ashes put in a lovely Cherry box with a plate on it that says in loving memory of Timothy, dearest friend and true companion. I didn't open the bag until I got home because I was crying so hard. So that was a surprise to see when I got home. If that wasn't enough, there was a card from the place where he was cremated and they had taken a paw print of Tim and put it inside the card!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ohhhhhh my heart sang with joy!!!!!!! How kind and sweet. I feel like I have another part of him here with me! I know it's his too because he had such big paws. Yep, it's his. And THEN, there was half a gold heart, and a business card that said they put the other half of the heart in with Tim's ashes. Wow. WOW. How special. That makes me feel so good inside. I have my sweet sweet boy home with me and this is so special.

 

[SnugglesAnn]

Oh my gosh I was crying tears of joy for you just reading that. For them to take the time to do all that shows they knew how special your relationship with Timmer was. And of course they had to include a gold heart...for a mommy who obviously has a heart of gold. Smiling with you tonight.

 

[Timmer]

It is helping me tremendously to have him home. I sat in the car at the vet's office last night and had a meltdown. I told Timmer, Mommy is taking you home now and you never have to leave again. When I got home and took the cherry box out of the bag I put it on the floor and Lupita came up to it. I said, "brother is home." She rubbed her cheek on it. That made me smile so much.
I sat on the couch this morning for the first time. Just for a moment. It dawned on me how happy Timmer always was in the mornings and he would race around the house because it meant we would have our special coffee time. Today I was thinking oh boy, Tim would be having a fit if he knew I wasn't on the couch having coffee!
SnugglesAnn, how are you doing today? How are you feeling? Just know our kitties are watching over us and I believe waiting for the day we will join them.

 

[Antonio65]

So that was a surprise to see when I got home. If that wasn't enough, there was a card from the place where he was cremated and they had taken a paw print of Tim and put it inside the card!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ohhhhhh my heart sang with joy!!!!!!! How kind and sweet. I feel like I have another part of him here with me! I know it's his too because he had such big paws. Yep, it's his. And THEN, there was half a gold heart, and a business card that said they put the other half of the heart in with Tim's ashes. Wow. WOW. How special. That makes me feel so good inside. I have my sweet sweet boy home with me and this is so special.

How wonderful of them for what they did!!!
It's not usual at all, they did a tremendous gesture of sweetness and kindness!

 

[SnugglesAnn]

I was so happy to read your posts last night and this morning. It's so nice to have some brightness in all this.

Thank you for asking about me. I'm hanging in there- the past few days have been somewhat harder than the first few days. You minded me yesterday that more surgeries would not have necessarily healed her, but oh it so hard not to question everything. But it feels so good to come back here and know I can talk about it and read your encouragements. I can't thank you enough for all that.

Now, enough about me, tell Lupita to take care of her mommy. Oh...and that now the whole internet knows she secretly liked Timmer.

 

[Timmer]

I know...I always suspected that after I went to work they met at that goofy door I built and talked to each other. Aww...so sad. Yes, I'm still second guessing here too. Still crying. Still feeling lost without my baby boy.

 

[SnugglesAnn]

Me too. Hope you have sweet dreams of your baby boy tonight.

 

[Timmer]

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out this morning. Last night I was remembering those sweet things he used to do, like curl up on my lap, stick his head under my chin and then look up at me like "I love us together like this." He always held my hand when we sat together (had to have his paw on top of my hand). And he was magical. I don't know if it was because he was a bengal mix but he could sit so still you would walk right past him and not know. And he was always so lithe he would be on the floor one second and then in the blink of an e

ye he would be next to me. I never saw him leap. I know it sounds strange but I would try to watch and see if I could see him mid air and I just couldn't. And again, I just can't help but now wonder what if I had ask the vet to sedate him one more time, work the stool out of him, and then continue on with the chemo. I'd probably have him sitting next to me now. Maybe not in the best of health but, he would be here. But that's selfish of me.
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[SnugglesAnn]

I read your post earlier and wanted to wait until I got back from taking to my son to school to respond- praying the whole time that God would give me the right words to say to you this morning. I will probably fail miserably, but here it goes...

You reminded me the other day, when I was struggling so hard that morning, that more surgeries wouldn't have necessarily healed Snuggles. Everyone says to not dwell on the "what-if's" (even I have said it), but maybe we need to at times. What if I had taken Snuggles in sooner to get her teeth removed. I might not have had the amount of time I had. What if I had gotten a second opinion after I went in that Friday and was told there was a mass. What if they had told me, I see an abscess, we can try to repair it and treat the mass with more steroids. That would have meant additional pain from additional surgery, the hole could have reopened, the stress from all this could have caused her to have a heart attack. So...what if you had taken Timmer in to have the stool worked out of him. He might have never woken up. He most likely would have had it happen again...how many times would you have wanted him to feel that way? And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, you would say none. And what about when the steroids stopped working- what would either of us have done then? Even if we had somehow miraculously cured them of what they were currently experiencing, what would the future have held? They would have eventually had another problem, another medical issue that could have been ten times worse than what they had. We spared them all of this- we gave them what many people would beg for in a heartbeat.

I think we struggle so much because we can no longer try one more thing, even though we have the ability to still think about that "one more thing". Timmer and Snuggles brought you and I together on this board- at the same time. If they had went later on in the future, I may not have had such a good friend to share my story with. As they did all along, they knew what we needed. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers today.

 

[SnugglesAnn]

Just when I finish giving a pep talk and I start going down this road again in my mind. Timmer holding your hand reminded me of how Snuggles would pick up my hand with her paw if I stopped petting her until I started again.

I miss my baby so much.

 

[Timmer]

SnugglesAnn, I am sorry you are hurting. Me too. It's just a sad time. It really really is. They always have the best paws, don't they? I love how they feel like little warm hands. Tim used to pull my chin to his face if I wasn't looking at him. I've never had a cat do that. Like "Look at me, I'm talking to you!"

I'm also very glad our kitties brought us together. You are a tremendous help to me and your words always help me a lot. Never fear that.

I don't know what it is about the "what ifs." What you say is true. One more procedure and who is to say what result that would have been...probably not good in the long run. I think the door we don't want to really open is the one that tells us nothing would have helped. Maybe we want to blame ourselves just because we want to hang on. I think part of healing is letting go of it all, the pain and guilt. I have heard so many stories from friends who had surgeries done on their cats or dogs and then bring them home and the animal does not thrive and dies within days, or weeks. I wouldn't do surgery on my cats. I think you did the right thing in treating her at home and making sure she was hydrated and comfortable and surrounded by your love.

And it is true, the steroids were not helping Tim. When I took him into the vet on 12-26 and she had to sedate him and manually pull the stool out, he was sedated and still pushing so hard she said when she was pulling it out, his little stomach was contracting and helping. He pushed so hard his rectum prolapsed and she had to put it back in. She said she saw some weird lesions on it that she's never in her experience seen before. Something in my gut told me, "that's cancer." I was prepared to let him go that day but this vet (who wasn't my regular vet) started yelling at me and said "you don't put a cat down because they have IBD!!!" That made me feel so guilty and horrible, but somehow, I really did know it was bad and the beginning of the end, I just didn't know it would happen in two weeks. Then I figured she is right. I told her, "you are right, I owe it to him to find out what exactly is going on." So, onward we went with more tests. That poor cat. And the GI doctor -- I could tell she and her nurse wanted me to keep going with the chemo but when she told me it would take two months, I thought my god, I can't let this cat live like this for two months. He can't poop!

The day I said good-bye to him he had moments of being bright-eyed but then he would walk around so uncomfortable and even fell over. Other cats I have had to put down I believe really were at the very end, but I think he probably had a day longer. ...But that had to hurt him to be so backed up. Sure, he could have hung on but he would have really been hurting. And I was crying so hard over him he kept walking away from me when I would freak out. I don't think he liked seeing me so sad. I bet Snuggles didn't like seeing you so sad either.
Ann, I do believe it will get better. I know in my heart there are some beautiful things in this world. Oh...I was naughty and looked at the shelter's website today. I'm not going to run out and get another kitty but I was looking at all of them and thinking OK, IF I were going to get one, I'd like to see that one.
So I believe one day when the time is right I will get another. Maybe you will, maybe not.

 

[SnugglesAnn]

Thank you, Timmer. Snuggles used to pull at my face too...hmm...maybe her and Timmer were related (when I got her from the shelter she had just had kittens). I broke down in the kitchen a little while ago looking at the child locks on the top cabinets and remembering we had to put those on because she would sneak into the cabinets at night. I've grown so accustomed to them being there I haven't thought about them since. That and the paper towel thing...I'll attach a picture of that in a second. She was pretty young then; always was a tiny little thing.

I agree, I think our will to fight for them will always remain, and I still feel like I could do something. I was thinking tonight, why could she not have been one of those cats that lived to a ripe old age of twenty something. My first cat died at just 9 years old...never did figure out what happened to her...she just stopped eating and then a couple of days later she was gone. The vet ran tests, gave her fluids, checked her mouth, etc. and nothing. Oh, what I would have given for Snuggles to be one of those cats that would have been just carefree and loving life after having her teeth out. Like you talked about with Timmer, it's the not being completely convinced that they were at the end of their lives that adds to the pain.

I just keep asking myself though, that if I could turn back in time and look into those eyes again, would I tell her that I'm going to get more tests done, that she will probably need another surgery, and that she will experience more pain...or would I tell her again what I told her that last weekend- that I promise to take away the pain forever. Even experiencing what I am now, I would make the same choice. I'm sure you would too for Timmer.

Funny how our stories are different yet also parallel each other. Snuggles also went in to the vet back in December. He told me then (it's a husband and wife vet) that the inflammation was still there and that he still suspected the worst. The ironic part is, is I was wishing that my vet had pushed for further tests instead of telling me that they thought this was the best decision whereas you had the opposite problem. I guess it just goes to show that either way we find ourselves wondering about those "what-ifs".

Four days after my first cat died, I got Snuggles. She helped me through those tough times and became the light of my life. We then got Oliver a year later- he is now 10 going on 11. My brother is staying with my son and I right now and also has a cat (three year old). Bella is helping since she still has some of that kitten like playfulness that you can't help but smile at. But it's not the same. Snuggles was my cat. The one who I could make kissing sounds and she would come running. The one who if our eyes met, it didn't matter where she was or how comfortable she was, she would come running to me. I find myself looking at other cats and wanting one that looks like Snuggles. I hope to get another special one in the future who will become another light in my life, but I keep thinking that Oliver may end up with issues that I may need to address in the near future so am not sure that I need to. But yeah, I went and looked at Petsmart and Petco the other day- so I've been naughtier than you have. There is such a hole in my heart that seeing other cats who need homes just makes it almost impossible not to want to take one home.

 

[Timmer]

I love that picture! It gave me a smile. Look at that little nest she made. Aww... Yeah, I kind of Timmer proofed my house too. I was thinking maybe this weekend I will just rearrange the furniture. So much of the way my house is arranged now was so he could look out windows and stuff.

I got a couple condolence cards in the mail last night and one friend sent me a pretty nice check. I was so touched but immediately went to thinking...gee, if I had had this extra money, I could have had him sedated and flushed out one more time... So wrong of me to think that. It was so kind of her. The bill for all of his stuff was thousands of dollars. It won't pay it off but it will help. I have an amazing friend!

I am glad our vet told me he would call the GI specialist after Timmer passed. She was a wonderful specialist and her nurse, Rachel, was amazing with returning my calls. I spoke to Rachel last Thursday and told her that this was not a quality of life for Timmer and I heard her gasp. She said "well take him into your vet and have him evaluated. It will take two months for the chemo to kick in." See, I thought when we started with the chemo they told me 2 WEEKS not two months. I think they are disappointed that I didn't continue and that I let him go. I don't know. I haven't talked with them. The thing is this -- I never felt right about giving my loved one chemo. I would cry my eyes out before and after, and pray over it. Because chemo is not something I'm sure I would want for myself. I felt like Tim was being turned into a science experiment and that really bothered me and frankly, it freaked me out BIG TIME. So maybe when I get down on myself about the what-ifs I can hold onto to that. I stopped him from being a science experiment. And the other thing that kind of makes me angry with the specialists is that they are not the ones who have to take care of these pets. They don't love them like we do. They don't live with them and see the pain they are in or go through. We do.

We have no way of knowing. I had to look up stomatitis because I'd never heard of it, and it looks really bad. That probably hurt. Our kitties are no longer hurting, just waiting for us. I also wish we had more time with them. Honestly, I thought Lupita would go first because she is older. I love her, but she's not him. Not as loving or giving. She's a sweetie but ...not the same. How is Oliver handling the loss? Lupita who is probably 12 going on 13 now, is not coming around. Still hiding from Tim. I really cannot put her through getting another cat. And she tends to run constipated and hasn't pooped in a couple of days so I am thinking now what??? I give her miralax and put psyllium husk in her food sometimes. I think the pet foods have something wrong with it. It's all garbage.

Tomorrow will be the one week anniversary. It feels like it happened 10 years ago. Either time is going slow or fast. I can't figure it out. I'm still so foggy in the brain. My job is stressful and I come home just brain dead, so happy to put my sweats on and be alone. I'm having a hard time being around people right now.

 

[SnugglesAnn]

I agree that you made the right choice not wanting Timmer to become, like you said, a science experiment. I always struggled with how far would I have went- if I had the money, if the vet had pushed for more tests, etc. I always said in the past that I wouldn't put my babies through a lot for the sake of having them here. If Snuggles had of had one more surgery, it most likely would have caused her to withdraw from me and ruined what little time we had left.

That was so sweet of your friend. It helps tremendously to have such a good support system.

I think Oliver is doing okay....I think he thinks that Snuggles is just sleeping or hiding somewhere. Hopefully Lupita will be fine. I know it's scary to think about what's next. Oliver has been making this clicking sound when he jumps off the couch. I think he's trying hard to keep up with Bella and his age is starting to show some. Keeping fingers crossed nothing comes up soon, but if it does I know that God will help me through it like he did with Snuggles.

I know. Monday was one week for me and feels like forever, yet so fresh all at once. Odd how each day Tuesday it has rained. Almost as if the day after has become a day of mourning. But then the sun has been gloriously shining every other day. Ahh...how she loved to sunbathe at our front door.

Oh yes, I know what you mean about being around other people. I even got into it the other day with a guy at the post office- the post office of all places. There was an elderly man that thought I was unfairly going before him because I was dropping off prepaid packages and didn't get in line. After the clerk explained that anyone who has prepaid packages can just lay them on the counter without getting in line he straightened up a bit, but not before mouthing off a few words and I snapped back. He picked the wrong day and the wrong person. But hey, at least I did so calmly, when I really just wanted to jerk his head off while screaming "I just lost my cat and you're complaining about waiting in line". Lol...I guess this the "anger" part of the healing process.

 

[di and bob]

Don't beat yourself up over the chemo. It makes me so incredibly sad, and angry, that SO many pets AND humans go through the expense, the pain, and the hope, only to die a short time later. It only buys time. To those who actually benefit from it and do get remission, it's a miracle, and God bless them. But so many don't.
I know what you feel about the anger. It's hard to understand how the world can keep going on, while we feel so lost and full of grief. Our world has changed forever and yet somehow life goes on.