Said Goodbye To Timmer This Morning

[Timmer]

I let my little soulmate go this morning. He had IBD and was not responding at all to treatment. I did whatever I could for him with the GI vet and chemotherapy, prednisone, you name it, I did it. But our regular vet said that he suspected he probably had lymphoma along with the IBD because he's never seen anyone go down so quickly and be so non-responsive. Yesterday when I came home I saw he had been violently ill during the day and it broke my heart that he had to spend a day like that, all alone. He must have been so scared and in so much pain. The IBD was so bad his colon had swollen almost shut.

I know I am not alone and there are many of you on here who are also grieving. I believe we are all wonderful cat moms and dads who made the right decisions. I knew this day was coming and I'm sure many of you did too. It's just so hard to come home and see their stuff, blankets, even the couch we took naps together on. I don't know what to do with myself right now..... I'm afraid to go lay down because whenever I would do that, Timmer would be there with me.

I have another cat in the house. She is not as affectionate as he was. I hope in time that she relaxes and we build our relationship up more. Timmer and Lupita never got along, you see, and I had to have one cat live upstairs and one live downstairs. We had a crazy eight years together. I had always hoped they would get along but they never did and he was pretty aggressive towards her. I did my best to love them both, spend time with both, alternating letting each cat sleep with me. Somehow we made it all work in our own weird quirky way.

I would give anything to have more time with Timmer. I am really devastated and in shock right now. And so very very scared to live without him. I know it's all raw now and will take some time. I won't get another cat. I want my remaining cat to have peace in her life and she didn't have that with him in the house.

God bless all of you who are grieving. Be kind to yourselves.

 

[Antonio65]

Your post could have been written by me, you expressed your experience, thoughts, feelings, exactly as I had them in my mind.

On the day my sweet Lola went to the Rainbow Bridge, I came home from work during the lunch break to see how she was, and found her across the sofa, she had vomited and hadn't been able to move from that position.
I cannot imagine how much she had suffered for that, nor can I imagine how scared she was for what was going on.
I wasn't there with her, for her, she was with her feline company, with whom she never got along for 15 years.
I had to call the vet home to help her go to the Rainbow Bridge...

This was the second time in my life that a cat felt sick while I wasn't home.
I live with the terror it could happen again.

I'm terribly sorry for your Timmer, your bond was strong, it will never be broken. In fact he wil lbe with you, next to you, forever, till the day when we all will be able to hug and hold our furry friends again.
You will live without him, it seems impossible now, you might think I'm lying to you, you can not believe me, because I couldn't believe it myself, but you will survive and live, although your life might be different.
Each of us has their own path for elaborating the grief, someone accepts it easier than others. I haven't accepted the loss of my Lola yet, after nearly 10 months.

RIP Timmer, you were much loved, your footprint will be permanent in the hearts of those who loved you.

 

[Timmer]

Thank you, Antonio... I just feel like someone took a shotgun to my heart. I am in shock. Your kind words are helpful. Really.
I've had other kitties that I had to let go of. It's never easy. My cat Tina who I only had for four years got kidney failure. I used to give her sub Q fluids here at home but she only lasted a month after being diagnosed. Our time together was so short. I had another cat, Pickles, who lived with me for 18 years. She had mega colon. I gave that cat weekly enemas at home for years.

I had Tim for 8 years. Got him at the shelter after Tina died. I wish he and Lupita had gotten along but he was so aggressive. Probably should have been an only cat but, he was MY cat.

I can't imagine myself moving on and yet, I know I will. We have to. We have jobs and things happen and bills to pay. We will go through those motions but when I open the door after a day's work, he won't be here for me. I just can't get over it. You know when people lose a loved one the doctor will give the husband or wife a xanax or something. That's what I feel like i need, except ...that is just not facing the grief. Grief is just one of those things you have to face head on and take it. Make it your own, digest it, and work through it. It's one of the hardest things about life that we have to go through. Loss. Which tells me that our hearts are made for love. And I have another cat here who loves me in her own way and she just walked into the room. She doesn't shadow me like Timmer, but this will be her time to spread her kitty wings and have mom to herself.
I'm just so lost without Tim. That cat was my heart and soul.

 

[di and bob]

You have the same feelings we have all experienced, you are not alone. I was afraid to sleep, I didn't want the nightmares.....I couldn't go anywhere in the house without experiencing the helplessness and the void my little girl's leaving left behind. I kept waiting to wake up from the nightmare, it never happened......I lost all joy in life. But I finally realized that the way I was feeling was self inflicted, I wallowed in the pain of the past because I wanted to drag it with me into the future. Why would I want to torture myself like this? It wasn't until I realized my sweet little girl loved me enough to want me to go on without her, that what anyone would want for the one they love so much is to enjoy life again, to bring the joy of life back into the present and once more look forward to a future. We can do nothing to change the past. Those little ones are the best parts of that past, why would we push those wonderful, beautiful memories we have to the side while we dwell on those horrible ones we all carry of the end, and relive over and over again along with all those should haves, could haves that change nothing, that only bring more heartache? Try not to go there. Concentrate on the good that you gained,what that wonderful boy brought to your life and what he will continue to bring you through your precious memories and the bond you forged, link by link, of love. Timmer would NEVER want you to be so sad because of him. He wants only happiness for the one he loves, just as you would want for him if you were the first to go.
Time is the only thing that helps to dull the sharp edges of loss. Give yourself time to arrange a new life order, knowing that sweet boy's new journey will forever parallel yours until the end of time. Love is spiritual, so eternal.
You will always miss him from your physical life, but he follows a new path, one that sets his soul free, he no longer needs that frail body that let him down. His tiny soul will be forever tied to your own, through his love and gratitude, which you so gladly returned to him threefold.
My heart goes out to you, I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself, and share your burden of grief, it gets lighter when shared by those who understand.......RIP precious Timmer. You will be forever held in a loving heart, may the good Lord bless and keep you until you meet again!

 

[SnugglesAnn]

He is so precious and I am so sorry for your loss. And thank you for the kind words about my baby Snuggles. It doesn't take away the pain, but know that everyone reading your story is sharing your pain and we will all be here to listen and grieve with you. And to also celebrate in the joy of knowing our babies will no longer suffer. I can't even begin to describe how much this board has meant to me through this. I see familiar names here already and God must have known I needed some angels- they listen and respond, and then listen again. I too feel lost- everytime I sit down, lay down, or even just go to the bathroom (Snuggles would always follow me in there). She used to help me get through things like this. But we did the right thing for them and there is a peace that comes with the pain. Allow yourself to cry and cry some more. Then come back here and talk when you need to talk- we will be here for you.

 

[Timmer]

Thank you all for your kind words and wisdom. I am so glad to be on here. You really give me peace.

I have had lots of cats in my life, when I was a kid growing up on a farm some were outdoor cats and never came home, and then as an adult, the cats I have adopted from the shelter. Each one is so very painful to let go of. I don't think I had cried this much over my brother when he passed away as I have over Timmer.

I'm going to tell you a story here. When I brought Tim home from the shelter he and Lupita never hit it off. I have never seen such violent fighting. I thought something was wrong with him and perhaps there was, i don't know, but I was in love with him and also with her. In order to keep them both, I built this silly door at the top of my stairs going to the second floor. It was made out of peg board, screws, duct tape, boards, and I had baby gate locks on both sides, and it went up to the ceiling because Timmer is a bengal and he could easily jump over anything. Well, the baby gate locks were so I could lock myself in and be with one kitty at a time and also so that while I was at work they couldn't get at each other. Lupita became the upstairs cat, and Timmer was the downstairs cat. Then I would alternate them when I got home from work so she could eat dinner with me. He couldn't stand it when I was up there with her, even to take a shower. Sometimes in the night he would be throwing a fit screaming his head off and I would get out of bed and go sleep on the couch with him for the night. Last year I started alternating who gets to sleep with me. When he started getting sick, I let him sleep with me every night and she didn't mind. Last night was our last night together and he didn't want to come to bed with me. That told me a lot. He was hurting and sick and in pain.

Today I took that door down. I thought it would be liberating, but I felt terrible doing. With one cat in the house, it is no longer necessary. I did it slowly and a little bit at a time. It was a crazy looking thing and everyone laughed at it. But it worked! And what struck me today while taking it down was that I realized it was a door made with love. I loved them so much I designed it and put it up, kept us locked in or out so one kitty could be safe. The door was symbolic of love. My love for both of them. My family. But oh, my heart aches now. I would give anything to have that door still up and those two hissing at each other through it.

Yes, we do the right things when we let go. We give them medications and it helps them eat but without the meds, they wouldn't be eating. Without our care, they would have passed on long ago. It is truly truly amazing how veterinary medicine has evolved nowadays but, in the end, the result is the same.

I'm just so sorry we all have to grieve like this. Thank you all so much for your words and thoughts.

 

[denice]

I am so sorry. It is so hard even when there is another kitty in the house. I think Alice is finally realizing that Patches isn't coming back, she is being more clingy and vocal than usual. Of course that adds to the sadness that I am feeling. I too wish that our cats could live as long as we do and then we could somehow go together.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Timmer, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on your mama's heart forever.

Holding you in my heart tonight.

 

[solomonar]

Tears here. The little things that remain here when a soul goes back carry a lot o pain, no matter how rational humans we claim to be.

We, the humans, attach a negative feeling to the last trip. Because we are selfish creatures by nature. However, living with a cat removes the door we build in time to close our inner self. This comes with a price, and price is pain.

But I always attempt to remember that is better to live with that pain instead of living a comfortable live without it. Cats teach us this idea.

We sit at the table, eat and than leave. The same with life: we get it, enjoy it and then leave it here. Shall we be sad for eating a good meal, after we leave the dining room? Shall we be sad to leave the life after enjoing it?

Human are not immortal. It just happens that our lifespan is (usually) longer that the one of a cat. Coming to this world and leaving it is un-avoidable for all creatures and our time will eventually come as well.

Would we like being the other way around? I mean, our cats having a longer lifespan than our? Perhaps yes. But only at a first sight. Love means sacrifice and I guess we shall be happy we had the chance to feel it.

Canned sardines to remember.

 

[di and bob]

Taking down that door symbolizes the finality of Timmer being gone. Your mind accepts the fact, though your heart never will.
When I tucked my Chrissy's belongings into that little trunk, her private water bowl, because she didn't want to share, her collar, her heating pad that she rarely left, the toy that she drug around the house and presented to me like a trophy.......as each item she loved so much was tucked safely away, it was as if I left a piece of my heart with each and every one.
It takes a long time to learn to live with a broken heart.........

 

[les26]

I am so sorry for your loss, I can feel the love that you had for him in your words, you went above and beyond in your care for him, but it was just his time to go although you did not want it. It is so hard to deal with, we don't know how we carry on after the loss of them, somehow we do but it is like we are in shock and just operating on automatic pilot, but with time the sadness and the harshness of it all slowly loses it's sting, it still hurts but not like before, but we are never the same.

Sugar and Sebastian never really got along either, they didn't have "wars" like it sounds like your two did but they just couldn't get along for some reason. Sebastian is gone over two years now, Sugar is still here, and has no issues with any of the other cats, sometimes they just battle I guess!

Take care of your other kitty and yourself, the bond between the two of you will grow stronger, you need each other right now. Visit here often and tell how you are doing, this is a wonderful place, support and therapy group, we all understand what it is like to lose our little ones.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless you......

 

[Timmer]

Rest you gentle, Timmer, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on your mama's heart forever.

Holding you in my heart tonight.

That's lovely. Thank you.

 

[Timmer]

les26 , thank you. Today was my first full day without him. So hard. I ran some errands to make myself get out of the house and sat in the car in the driveway, screaming and crying. The grief comes in waves.
I can't figure out who I am anymore. Timmer was such a loving and giving cat. Really, demanding though. I couldn't be in a room in this house without him. It drove him crazy to not be able to at least see me. So, you see, his presence was always there with me. It just hurts so bad. Lupita doesn't meet me at the door. She's been upstairs most of the day sleeping. I have to wonder if she is also sad, even though they were arch enemies, they still spoke the same language and I do believe they visited each other at the crazy door I built, when I was at work. She knows something is up. I hope we bond better. I'm trying. Going to bed now because I know she will come to bed at least. I need a kitty hug.

 

[SnugglesAnn]

It does feel as if you are on autopilot after they are gone, but remember only their physical presence is gone- they remain with you in your heart. I too go from sad, to peaceful, to angry, to feeling guilty, and then the process starts again. It hurts so much, but each day I find a little more peace and try to look back on the goofy things she used to do. One of her favorite things to do was to unroll the paper towels and make a little bed.

Funny how you mention how Lupita seems to miss him even though they were not that close. My other cat Oliver is acting the same way. Snuggles and him were never that close, yet they were accustomed to each other. He too seems a little lost at times. He is not much of a cuddler like Snuggles was which I find myself desperately trying to get him to be one. Strange though...he let me kiss him on the head tonight....he has never done that.

You are in my prayers and hoping each day brings a little more peace for you and a little less sadness.

 

[Timmer]

It does feel as if you are on autopilot after they are gone, but remember only their physical presence is gone- they remain with you in your heart. I too go from sad, to peaceful, to angry, to feeling guilty, and then the process starts again. It hurts so much, but each day I find a little more peace and try to look back on the goofy things she used to do. One of her favorite things to do was to unroll the paper towels and make a little bed.

Funny how you mention how Lupita seems to miss him even though they were not that close. My other cat Oliver is acting the same way. Snuggles and him were never that close, yet they were accustomed to each other. He too seems a little lost at times. He is not much of a cuddler like Snuggles was which I find myself desperately trying to get him to be one. Strange though...he let me kiss him on the head tonight....he has never done that.

You are in my prayers and hoping each day brings a little more peace for you and a little less sadness.

Thank you, Ann. Boy these cats really reach deep into our hearts, don't they? I'm so glad you have Oliver and that he let you give him a kiss. I hope that you can both help each other. That's what I tell Lupita...we have to help each other now. I hope in time Oliver will cuddle. We all want cuddling, don't we? I had a cat named Pickles for 18 years. Boy, she was another love who cuddled like mad with me. We were like two peas in a pod, like Timmer and I. When Pickles passed on I got Lupita and Tina. I was shocked to get them home and find that neither cat liked to be held. I thought what good is that? Well, we just developed our own routine. I only had Tina four years and she got kidney failure and passed. I think within the week I went to the shelter and Timmer picked me out.

Tim was not an easy cat in many ways and we all developed a routine to make life as best as we could here with the two cats being separated and seeking attention. I ran upstairs and downstairs day and night to spend time with both. Tim always seemed to win out over Lupita. I often felt sad for little Lu because she would be upstairs alone and he and I would be cuddling on the couch, in love. Don't get me wrong, I love Lupita too, but she is an independent cat. She gives love on her terms. I find myself going to bed at 7:30 now just for comfort. I read and she hops into bed with me and lays close by. This morning when I woke up I felt like shutting down. I thought what difference would it make if I never got out of bed today? Then she came into the bedroom and meowed, taking Tim's job of getting me up in the mornings. That motivated me. Oh! life revolved around when Timmer wanted me out of bed. I don't think in 8 years I've ever gotten more than 5-6 hours sleep a night. I've got some sleeping to catch up on. I've coaxed Lupita downstairs now and she is eating breakfast. I think in a few days she will fully understand. God bless the cats we have left, right?

I appreciate your prayers and all of you on here are so wonderful.

 

[Timmer]

Today is guilt day. I'm beating myself up because I didn't ask the vet, please examine him one more time to make sure there isn't something we can do. I didn't stay to the vet, "Keep him today, sedate him, and flush the stool out of his gut so we can see if he will get better." On Thursday I told my boss at work I would probably not be in on Friday and he has cats and dogs too, but he upset me when he said "keep him going through the weekend and then do it on Monday." I almost told him shut up, you don't know how Tim feels! But his words run through my mind and now I think yeah, maybe I should have. But Friday morning, Tim kept slowly closing his eyes and he was in pain. To keep him going just for ME for two more days would have been cruel.
And I also kick myself for the times when I would come home from work, play computer games in the evening and not interact with him as much as I could have. I mean, of course I did interact, but he wasn't always my complete focus. I think back to the times over the years when he just wanted me to come lay down on the couch with him and I had things to do, like cooking and laundry and yard work. I would tell him "OK, in a minute. Let me get this finished up." And then something else would happen and we wouldn't get that nap in like he wanted. I'M SORRY TIMMER! PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
See, when I got him, Lupita was here. I figured they would have each other, but they hated each other, so there was no bond between them. I was his sole focus. All the time. Even other cats I had who were the only cat in the house, they could sort of entertain themselves for a bit or look out windows and watch the birds and bunnies outside. Not him. It was his mom he wanted all the time. So I'm sorry, Tim, that I wasn't there for you all the time like you wanted.

 

[Timmer]

I'm back at work today, crying non stop. I feel so sad and lost. I slept poorly last night. This morning I just felt like I was floating on the ocean without a safety net, drowning. And I have a new batch of people (co-workers) to tell/talk to them and that causes pain all over again. Somehow it got around the office when I called in on Friday and most of them know.
i really don't know what to do with myself when I am at home. I keep myself busy talking on the phone about all of this. I know sooner or later I have to let myself feel the pain of being alone. The other cat, Lu, is not adjusting. I don't know if she ever will.
I've made up a timeline in my head about things I possibly missed about this illness. I just don't know. Wish I could turn back the clock.

 

[SnugglesAnn]

Oh Timmer, I have to smile reading your post. Your thoughts yesterday are my thoughts this morning. I should have told the vet to look in Snuggles mouth one more time. I should have scheduled a visit with a second vet. And I too was thinking about how Snuggles would want to lay around and cuddle so much recently, but I had to get up to fix supper for my son or I had to work to do, etc. But we have other obligations that we have to do- that's life unfortunately. You were a wonderful mommy to Timmer. I don't doubt for one second that your Timmer and my Snuggles are probably looking down on us now wondering what all the fuss is about.

Sending hugs to you

 

[Timmer]

SnugglesAnn, thank you for the smile you gave me. I bet you are right! They are looking down on us now thinking, please mommies, don't be so sad. I feel better now!
Aww......it's just so sad for us to go on. It seems like there will never be a light at the end of the tunnel. Everything in life is a chore now. Still feeling so much anxiety. It was so hard getting up today, Monday, getting ready for work. Mornings were our special times when we would have coffee (OK, I would) and he would cuddle up with me on the couch. He would have eaten a little breakfast but when I got up and made toast and came back to the couch, he would get up and eat the rest of his food, so we would be eating together. So sweet! I didn't even eat breakfast today. I still can't sit on the couch. I love to read, I can't focus on anything I pick up.
What are you doing to help yourself, SnugglesAnn?

 

[SnugglesAnn]

I'm not sure what I'm doing to help myself. Being on here helps for certain, but when I step away from the computer I see her everywhere. I too struggled with just sitting on the couch or anything that reminded me of her- all those firsts without her- emptying the cat litter, going to sleep, taking a shower. But I knew I had to do them and feel those feelings eventually- I just let myself cry each time. I know that sounds strange, but each step I take to do something that normally would involve her, helps me to know that I will get through it. I did spend a few days gathering photos of her thinking there wouldn't be that many. Turns out there were over 400 of all of our pets. I found one of her making the "nest" out of paper towels and couldn't help but laugh at how because of that we still turn the paper towels around to this day. I now have a collage on my fridge to remind me of all of those special moments that even though I miss dearly, they were so worth while. And looking at those photos- I knew she had had the time of her life.

Each day is a little easier, and harder. The questions; the reminders. I guess by the photos, etc. I just keep trying to find ways to honor her and that gives me some comfort.