Sad And Lost

[christfawk]

Hi everyone, I first came to this forum 4 years ago with the passing of my beloved little boy Dubs. I'm here again because I remember everyone here being kind and gentle in my time of need, and if I ever needed help it is now.

My very first companion, my best friend, and the only solid beacon of light in my life, Rudy, left me 6 days ago. Rudy ultimately died from the same thing his brother Dubs did, a saddle thrombus. Without giving you every detail, we elected to euthanize Rudy to spare him stress and suffering. His prognosis was extremely, extremely poor, and while every ounce of me wanted to try to fight for him, the chance of survival and quality of life was too low and the chance of agony for him was too great for me to subject him to it. Even if he had survived treatment the physical rehabilitation of his back legs would have been nearly impossible, he had a birth defect of one of his front legs which made him only walk on 3.

I know, 100% that I made the right call to forgo treatment, its unbearable for him to be gone but the thought of him dying alone in the hospital far away from his home is far more unbearable. My brain is trying to make me second guess myself but I know those thoughts aren't real.

I am lost now because I never thought I would live through this day. I have has to either euthanize or come to terms with the deaths of 3 pets before this, one of them horrible and traumatic, and it was Rudy who got me through. I had always said to him, "what will I do without you?" and it seems the answer is I don't know. I did okay the first 3 days after, I didn't have work and I was able to spend the time with my husband (he's been extremely supportive). I have to medicate myself to sleep, Rudy was my constant sleeping companion and for him to not be there is agonizing. Things have been getting worse since I returned to work. I work with animals, I'm a groomers assistant. I dont want to make it seems as if my clients are poor pet owners, but some of them are. While I know the universe does not work in terms of what's fair I find myself agonizing over why do these people who bring there cat in unkempt, stressed and filthy get to keep their companions and I don't? I have pet insurance, i feed a very high quality raw diet supplement it's high quality kibble, i constantly monitored Rudy's mobility for signs of arthritis, I did everything with reason for my animals and they have all been taken from me suddenly, tragically, and too early except for my dog who passed just this June.

I'm sure my writing is disjointed and random, and I'm sorry. I don't need to explain to anyone here how much Rudy meant to me, and how large the void in my life is. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just a kind word, I just know I'm so lost and alone. I miss my dear friend more than I have words for. I want to go back in time, even if it's to his last day, before the blood clot settled in his legs and hold him and tell him how much he means to me.

Thank you for reading.

 

[Furballsmom]

Bless your heart for everything!
You have your buddy the greatest gift, from the strength of the love you had for him.

RIP, you prince of cats

 

[christfawk]

Bless your heart for everything!
You have your buddy the greatest gift, from the strength of the love you had for him.

RIP, you prince of cats

Thank you for your kind words, I did give him the gift of my strength. After we arrived at the er and he was given IV pain meds Rudy was very comfortable, and I'm glad he fell asleep with his mom and dad like he did every night. In all his years he never knew suffering.

I also think it's worth it to mention I am not completely alone, I have another friend, Lil' Fungus. Unfortunately during this time, he is independent, head strong, and aloof. A paragon of catdom, and thus cares very little for my pain and only wants my snacks. Though, he is one gorgeous boy.

 

[Furballsmom]

WOW, he IS gorgeous!!

 

[Maria Bayote]

I am so sorry for your loss. You will get by, one day at a time. Do not force yourself to heal very quickly, because it won't, but also do not dwell on too much sadness or even guilt. Rudy would not want you to feel this way. He always wanted you to be in a happy place, and in his honor reassure him that you will be in a happy place for him.

I had always said to him, "what will I do without you?"

I say these same words repeatedly to my Bourbon everyday. What will I do without you? What will I do without you? I also have other cats, but Bourbon is my heart cat. When the dreaded day happens, maybe, like you, I will get by one day at a time. I must get by.

Be strong. Hang in there. You can write a book about Rudy, or make an album full of his photographs and write poems about him. Anything to release your grief and sadness. I always believe that grief does not really go away, it just gets mellow in time. Soon, I pray that you will remember your beloved Rudy with more of a smile, than of tears.

 

[di and bob]

Rudy is very much aware of how much you love him and miss him. Although you don't feel his physical presence with you at night, he is there......
A bond that strong does not just disappear, it is spiritual, so eternal. "Death cannot take that which never dies" anfd your feelings for each other fit that quote exactly. He will always be there for you, and although there is a tremendous void in your life where his physical presence once inhabited, you will fill it in time with your precious memories and ease the ache by allowing the beautiful legacy of love he left in your care to grow.
Time is the only thing that helps, it helps to dull the sharp edges of grief, and gives us a new perspective on life. To learn a new life's order without them is difficult, until the day we realize that life is for the living. To be enjoyed and fully participatrd in, to celebrate each and every day as a new beginning, not be stuck in the mud that grief brings to our world. Just as you would want for him if you were the first to go, so he wants for you. You found the strength in your love to spare him pain, your love's strength will help you through this too.
My heart goes out to you, you will be blessed for loving him so much. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
He will forever be as close as your thoughts and prayers, he is at peace because he knew your love. Please let your own heart find peace through knowing his, it is one of life's greatest treasures. To have never had him in your life at all would have been unthinkable. So although the pain is unbearable right now, there are so many joys and happy times that you shared with him, they will eventually triumph over the sad. But it takes time and the help of those who understand your pain. Lots of time, one day at a time........RIP dear Rudy. You will be dearly missed, you will forever have a secure place in a loving heart. Msay the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Leomc123]

i am sorry rudy is sleeping forever and that your heart is broken. rudy isnt in pain anymore and you did the right thing. Only god can answer the questions you are seeking as to why your cats were taken suddenly from you and other people who own pets or mistreat any animals and these poor animals stay mistreated with them for a long time which is really sad, these pets or animals suffer and the humans keep doing it I wonder why god keeps these evil people around to exist on this earth to let them keep causing suffering on innocent beings.

Your job allows you to help these animals even if its for a short time, in that moment as a groomer you are giving the gift of kindness , afection, and love that the pet probably doesnt receive at home from his own owners, and even if it is for a few minutes a day, i am sure these animals are thanking you for caring for them, even if some these animals dont realize that they are receiving it, its better than nothing at all.

I wish the world was a kinder place to animals i pray for this every night.

You are lost becuase of your daily routine is without rudy your buddy , but she is there beside you.

 

[les26]

We all know and dread the day that our little ones leave us, and it is so so hard whether they pass on their own of old age or sickness or if we have to "play God" and make that dreaded decision to put them down, it is the downside of having pets but the upside is oh so great, isn't it? But it hurts so badly that we too feel like we will die and sometimes don't care if we do, but with time, love, support and prayers we ever so slowly climb out of the depths of the darkness and despair and realize that the sun does come out again, but it is just an awful situation to be in and we all understand. And most of us have that one special cat, Sylvester is mine, that when they go we are just devastated and crushed, I pet his head and tell him I love him and he looks at me with his healthy eyes and cute face and I know he is telling me the same, but when he goes I'll be a train wreck, he helped me out of a bad place and I also for him, I hope he has many more healthy years with me.....

I know I say this often but to some they have never seen it but I luckily discovered the herb Holy Basil which helps your body and mind adapt to the stress and the homeopathic pills Ignatia Amara which helps you deal with the grief, shock and loss, they work wonderfully when taken as directed, maybe it can help you too.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I am so sorry for your loss, I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless......

 

[betsygee]

Rudy was a beautiful boy. He was well cared for, and he knew how much you loved him. I'm so very sorry for your loss, and my thoughts are with you and your family.

 

[Purr-fect]

Rudy would not want you to suffer.

Give fungus a hug, and some treats. Go for a walk. Listen to nature. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself. You are alive. Each day you have is one that rudy doesnt have....dont waste them. One day at a time.

There may never be another rudy, but there can be others, in time, when you are ready.

 

[christfawk]

Thank you, everyone for your kind words. I feel oddly better, I still cried when I woke up but I don't think that will go away for a long time. Rudy was always there when I woke up, even if not from the very first moment he would come the moment my feet hit the floor. I will try to cry tears if joy for every day I spent with him.

I know I'll always have the thought as I read stories of cats who survived saddle thrombus treatment, that I'll always wonder if I truly made the right choice, but I feel like there is no way around that.

I think I'll make a photo collage to hand above his urn when his ashes finally return home. I always wanted to for Dubs but couldn't bare to do it, but I believe now is a time. Today is my birthday, and it is the first I will celebrate as and adult with Rudy by my side. A chapter in my life has closed, the 3 friends I set out with at the start of my own life are all gone now, but I will try to move forward. I dont want to move on, moving on suggests leaving something behind, and I want to carry the special, irreplaceable bond I had with Rudy with me always.

Thank you, again, all of you. Your words and compassion mean so much to me.

 

[glittercat]

I just wanted to say that I am so very very sorry for your loss . Your boy was beautiful.

The collage idea sounds like a wonderful tribute

xxx

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Rudy, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

I am so, so sorry for your loss of your beautiful heart-cat. He was, is, and will always be, a stunning boy! Now you have done the hardest thing we ever do...you helped Rudy open the gate between This Adventure and the Next Great Adventure, and sent with him your love to guide him along his way. Now, from that place where All Things Are Known, he blesses you for not allowing him to suffer, and his love, now translated and purified into Love, comes back to you. It will abide with you all of your days, and someday, in the fullness of time, will be there to guide you Home to him.

 

[di and bob]

That special bond you have with Rudy is spititual, so eternal. You cannot buy love, or command it to happen, it is a part of your soul. What you shared with that sweet boy will be a part of you until the end of time.......

 

[will2002]

I could remain in this chair, and focus on this computer screen the rest of the evening and there is no way I could post anything as well written, and as helpful, as what is already posted above. So I won't even try.

While I am very sorry you had to give up Rudy, you surely did make the correct and brave decision. May he rest easy...and may you find peace.

God bless you.

 

[christfawk]

I know I keep saying thank you, but I really mean it every time. The sting isn't fading yet but my ability to function is starting to return. I find myself happily thinking of Rudy only to turn to tears the next minute. I'm getting anxious now because I know his ashes will return soon, and I desperately want him to come home to sit on the shel with his brother. I have a whole "altar" set up, and his place is already set up.

I did already discuss with my husband adding another cat to our family, and while he isn't ready yet a new friend will come sooner rather than later. I am not replacing Rudy because no one ever will, but there is a sucking, cold void in my bedroom where Rudy once was. Rudy, all his life, through 4 different houses claimed my bedroom as his domain. There is an overwhelming feeling I'd death in my bedroom now, and I do believe adding new life is the only way to heal that feeling. Fungus does not sleep with us, hes far to busy at night chasing ghosts in our hallway!

It took us 8 months after the death of Dubs to find Fungus, for a variety if reasons. While I certainly think 8 days is too soon, I do think in the coming weeks there will be a new friend. There is actually a one eyed black kitten available at my local humane society I may have to steal.

 

[jefferd18]

"There is actually a one eyed black kitten available at my local humane society I may have to steal."

And that is how you heal- passing the love forward. Rudy wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[christfawk]

jefferd18 I know for a fact Rudy would want me to get another companion, he actually really loved kittens! In the past, before Fungus, I fostered several kittens over the years and Rudy was always happy to mentor them and teach them how to be good cats. We felt a lot of guilt after Dubs for getting another cat, only because with his personality he would not be happy about a new cat in the house, but we knew he wouldn't want us to be sad either. At least after Rudy's passing I know he would be delighted that I had another friend to hold on to. I think Rudy would ultimately be jealous he doesnt get to meet the new baby.

 

[christfawk]

I wanted to let everyone know that Rudy came home today. He rests now with his brother, in the living room with us where they should be. The crematorium was very kind, I had them take an ink print of his paw and specifically requested his "little foot" and told the woman she'll know what I mean when he arrives. Everything is beautiful, they even included a baggy with hair clippings, though I admit I'm not sure what to do with them.

Thank you everyone who helped talk me through this process, I feel the healing can really begin now that he is home. I'm going to try to love every day like Rudy; eat snacks, take naps, and don't take anyone's sh*t. Keep moving forward even if you're down a leg, do whatever you have to to achieve happiness.

 

[les26]

He looks so much like our cat Slim.

He is home now, that brings some closure to it and it will start to settle down a bit now I hope for your sake.

God Bless......