Run free , Nibbler. Together forever again with Rambo

[YasTheCatLady]

I can't believe I am writing this

It is with the heaviest heart that I tell you yesterday went as badly as I had feared. You may remember my threads about Nibbler over the last few weeks. For the past few months, she had been puking most days and wasn't herself. Took her to the vet almost every week sometimes even multiple times and we tried all sorts of probiotics, steroids etc and 3 weeks ago, x rays and ultrasounds were done and other than finding slight inflammation and constipation, all looked fine. 3 days ago, we took her to the vet again as she was still puking and this time at the physical exam, the vet found a small lump in her intestine area so booked her in for another ultrasound which was yesterday.

And the results were - not only that lump in her intestines but they were severly thickened and worst of all? A large golf ball sized tumour was found in her liver which there was definitely no sign of at her last ultrasound just 3 weeks before! That's how aggressive this cancer was. We were given the option of putting her to sleep or taking her home for the weekend to say our goodbyes. Her vet was honest in saying she only had weeks left most likely given the size of the tumour and how quick it grew, so a referral to the oncologist was pointless. We decided to put her to sleep there and then while she was still sleepy from sedation or at least, we hoped she would still be sleepy! But no, she sprung to life and we gave her a put and a cuddle. That made it all the harder because she appeared almost like normal and I had doubts for a split second about putting her to sleep but I know it was the right thing to do. She went peacefully and quickly in my husband's arms. She was always a daddy's girl. My husband asked for the tumour to be analysed to see if it was the same cancer that killed her brother 4 months before. I think it will give him some closure as even though he knows he done the right thing, he still has the "what if it wasn't cancer?!" thoughts even though its impossible.

Her vet text me about an hour after she died saying that the tumour was now being sent off to the lab and that when she opened her up, she could see it was even worse than the scan showed. It was pushing heavily against her stomach wall and invading her lympathic system. We 100% done the right thing.

We are now cat-less for the first time in 9 years. We adopted Rambo and Nibbler when they were 6 years old and every single day with them was the best day of our lives. We lost Rambo to mast cell cancer 4 months ago today and now Nibbler. I can't believe it. Our hearts are broken. We didn't realise just how much this was the cats house and not ours until they were no cats left. Everything here is for them. The silence in the house is deafening even with music and fans on. Waking up this morning after an awful sleep was soul destroying. First thing I would do in the morning before eating or going to the bathroom was say hello to my cats. Seeing empty boxes today crushed me. She was the biggest diva you could ever meet. Full of the infamous Tortie cattitude. Its hard to imagine that bright spark is now gone.

I just hope they both know how loved they truly were and always will be. Its just so hard to believe and accept that sometimes the only way you can help someone you love is to say goodbye. It goes against everything your heart says but sometimes, its the only way.

Please give your babies an extra big cuddle today. There's never enough time with them


RIP Rambo and Nibbler. Thank you for the years of love, cattitude, friendship. You were the biggest part of the best chapter of our lives. You saved me more than I could ever save you. We'll always love you both more than anything in this universe xxx

 

[di and bob]

My heart goes out to you. The hole in our lives when they leave us is huge and takes a long time to fill.
There is one sentence in your tribute that I want you to hold on to....."that bright spark". That spark is their love, their presence in your life. It lives deep in your soul and can never be extinguished because it is spiritual, so eternal. It is love......the bond you built, year by year, link by link can never be taken from you. Though Nibbler now follows a new path, one free of suffering and pain thanks to you, her path will intertwine with her brothers and will parallel your own until the end of time. She was meant to be in your life, to have never known her sweet love is impossible to imagine. It is a treasure beyond compare.
Try not to dwell on her end, it only brings heartache and pain, but celebrate her beautiful life and how much you loved having her share your life's journey for a while.
She knows how much you mourned the passing of her brother. She knows how much you are doing the same for her. Try to go on with your life as you would want for her to do if you were the first to go. Not in perpetual grief, but secure in knowing she is a beautiful and much loved part of your past and always will be.
The human heart cannot withstand such pain forever. It is forever yearning for sunshine and happiness, seeking what truly living a life fully brings. You cannot, and will not, ever replace their love, that can never be. But you can honor their memory by adding new loves, by allowing happiness to once more enter your life in the future. it will help what they left you to grow even stronger, the happiness and love you feel are on a direct path tied to their own. There is no truer saying at a time like this than..."Do not cry because it is over, smile because it happened"......RIP beautiful Nibbler. You and your sweet brother will always have secure places in loving hearts. You both will be dearly missed. May the good Lord bless and keep you both, until you meet again!

 

[betsygee]

Oh, I'm so sorry to read this. We went through something very similar last year with one of our beloved kitties--a very aggressive cancer with too much damage done to be helped. My heart goes out to you and your husband, it's such a heartbreaking thing to go through.

Your beautiful kitties had wonderful lives and knew how loved they were. Rest in peace, little ones.

 

[YasTheCatLady]

Thank you both soooooo much for your replies. Your words have been such a comfort to me. Not many people understand the loss of a pet but to those of us that do, it cuts deep. They aren't just a member of the family, they become part of us. They are what keeps us going and what inspire us to be better people.

I just wanted to share a little moment I had with Nibbler a couple of days before she died


I was breaking my heart after being told she probably had cancer and went through to her fluffy bed box to talk to her. I told that if it was indeed cancer then if there was a chance of helping her then I'd fight all the way but that if she was suffering then I would let her go and as soon as I said that she put her paw on my hand and kept it there for a good 2 or 3 mins and didn't budge. Nibbler wasn't an overly affectionate cat like Rambo. If she would hold your hand, it would be for a second and then move away but she held firm and even me reaching for my phone a min later to take a pic because it was so unlike her, she still didn't move her paw off my hand.

I have all the normal "could I have done more for her?", "Did I put her to sleep too soon?", "How long was she suffering for?" Thoughts but even that night I knew her diagnosis before Friday. I knew I was losing my girl and that she trusted me to do what was right. It sounds silly if you aren't a pet person but we pet parents know our pets. They communicate with us in so many ways. Sometimes subtle, sometimes in your face and that hand hold told me all I needed to know

 

[fionasmom]

I remember your post of a few days ago and am so sorry for your loss. Believe me, from the tribute you wrote for NIbbler, she and her brother both knew how much you loved them. Just the fact that you gave a home to cats who were somewhat older let them know that you were there for them when they had to transition to a new home. They knew you had saved them.

An old ER vet who had only done that sort of work in her entire veterinary career told me when I had to release one of my very loved cats that in her opinion animals don't measure time in days or weeks like humans do and the question of "too soon" is not one that they live by.

To have attempted to treat this would have more than likely been unsuccessful, caused pain and distress, and only prolonged Nibbler's passing in a way that would have been hard for all of you. You did the bravest and hardest thing to let her pass in peace and love with you by her side.

 

[YasTheCatLady]

Hi everyone. Thanks again for your kind replies. They have helped so much. It has been just over a week since we said goodbye to our beloved girl and what a week it has been. It has been such a haze, even now it still doesn't feel real. I find myself forgetting for a while and then it hits. I seem to be like when it comes to grief of any kind - survival mode for a while and I get everyone else through it and then weeks or months later the full brunt hits me.

We got Nibbler's histopathology results 2 days ago and turns out she had a carnicoma (can't remember the exact name) that started in her pancreas and had spread through her lympathic system, her stomach, liver, cardia area and distal part of her oesphagous. It really was everywhere and my poor baby didn't stand a chance. This cancer really was a lot more cruel than Rambo's mast cell cancer. I don't have any doubt now or guilt that we made the right choice to put her to sleep but it doesn't help take the pain away.

We are off on holiday tomorrow for 3 days to the Lakes. I'm hoping it will do us both good and give us some time and space to process the losses of Rambo and Nibbler. We need away from home for a bit its just to quiet and our house is so cat themed. It was their house true enough. Everything you look at whether its cat owned or not, there's a million memories of them connected to it and while we cherish and love those memories, right now, its just too raw and a change of scenery is needed, even just for a few days.

Thanks again everyone. I truly can't thank you all enough for the warmth, compassion and empathy I have found on this site. Best wishes to you all

 

[fionasmom]

Try to rest and heal on your holiday.