RIP Rambo, my beautiful boy

[YasTheCatLady]

It is with a heavy heart that I let you know that my beautiful boy, Rambo or as we called him Ramblob, passed away 2 days ago. He was 14 yrs old. You may remember the thread I posted a few weeks ago saying mast cells were found in his blood and then we found a mast cell tumour in his mouth and a spleen mast cell tumour was suspected. He went to the vet on Wednesday 2 days ago for his x rays, ultrasounds and biopsies of his spleen. His spleen looked a bad way with cancer the vet said but his other organs and chest looked great. He came through the anaesthetic fine and was resting away in post op when I got the worst call of my life saying his heart had randomly stopped and they were trying to revive him. 20 mins later, I got the call saying he had died. He died half an hour before I was scheduled to pick him up. Just 2 hours before, the vet was so joyful talking to me saying how pleased she was that his chest and other organs looked great and that his thyroid levels were now perfect thanks to the Thyronorm and everything else came back good on his blood work and that he had been such a good and happy boy all day and then just 2/3 hours later my beautiful boy was gone. His vet was just as shocked and devestated as we are. She cancelled all her evening appts so we could have the whole surgery to ourselves to spend time with him and have the staffs full help and attention. She offered us an autopsy but we said no.

I am in such shock and feel so much guilt and what ifs. Was it a reaction to the anaesthetic or was he put under too soon after being under 5 weeks ago for a dental cleaning? The vet mentioned he had a bit of bleeding during the biopsy since the spleen is very full of blood vessells, did that cause his death? Did his little heart just give out even though all he ever had wrong with his heart was a murmur? Was it the cancer just putting too much strain on him? So many questions but at the end of the day, we were going to lose him to cancer or something else. We hoped he had a chance to beat the cancer or at least treat it but maybe it was just wishful thinking. I'd have given my own heart to save him. I would have moved moutains. He was my bestest friend and we loved him like a family member. He wasn't just a pet, he was family.

Ever since we found out he had cancer on 12th Feb a few weeks ago, all my time had either been spent researching his cancer and consulting his vet and other specialists and then spending extra time with him - giving him extra treats, just sitting and cuddling him and taking in all his smells, telling him I loved him every single chance I got and also even asking him for a sign that he would be ok to get through things because at times I wondered if I was selfish for trying to treat his cancer or should I just have let him live as normally as possible until his cancer became too much to bear? I thought it was best to give him a chance with the cancer because he was showing no symptoms and other than his thyroid, he was in perfect condition.

My heart is broken. I just can't believe he is gone. I am so scared that he felt scared or was in pain. Its not the passing I wanted for him but maybe a sudden one was the best? I would rather be in horrendous pain from the grief I am feeling than have him in any pain for a second. I just hope he knows he was loved. He was my everything and I really did try to save and help him and I really did think I was doing the right thing trying to treat his cancer and maybe I was doing the right thing but accidents and bad luck happen? I don't know. I just know that I have lost my bestest friend

 

[Mia6]

I am so very sorry about Rambo. He was very beautiful!!

Love,
Mia xxx

 

[di and bob]

Of course, he knew he was loved.....the bond you built over the years is spiritual, so eternal. it is a bond that can never be taken, never be taken from you, he will always be as close as your thoughts and prayers. Bad things happen, it's the sudden, unexplained ones that hurt so much. You were doing all you could with what you had, he couldn't ask for more. If you were the first to go, I know you would want for him to go on and seek happiness and the beauty that life can bring, so he wants for you. That is love.
This is something that will be with you forever, you never get over something like this, you learn ways to cope and to live with it. Time is the only thing that will help, and though the pain is enough to bring you to your knees, we are here to tell you it does get better. Just take it slow, one day at a time.
My heart hurts for your grief, we are here to help you in any way we can.....RIP dear Rambo. You will be dearly missed, you will always have a secure place in loving hearts. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Rambo, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

Oh, my Dear Friend, no, no, he was not scared. He left between one heartbeat and the next. His little body just would not support his great heart and loving spirit any longer, so he passed through that Gate between this Adventure and his Next Great Adventure. But he took your love with him to guide his way. No matter that you did not know, your love for him did, and it followed by his side. And now he is happy, healthy and whole in That Place Where All Things Are Known, and he sends his love, translated and purified into Love, to walk with you down through all your days until you meet again in joyous reunion.

 

[zed xyzed]

Rambo was such a handsome boy. You can tell by the picture with the both of you how much he loved you. I am so sorry for your loss

 

[+Jeffrey+]

I am so very sorry. Rambo was a very handsome boy! He reminds me a little of my dear Lady G. And you are so right. They aren't just a pet, they are family. That's exactly what they are. It seems like you were an awesome mom/friend to Rambo. I know you're hurting, but don't beat yourself up thinking you could've done something differently. You did your best, and I truly believe that. Just know in your heart that he knew how much you loved him. I bet he had an amazing 14 years with you.

Wishing you all the best during this difficult time. Hang in there.

Rest in peace, Rambo!

 

[Maria Bayote]

Oh I am so sorry. Sending my prayers and hugs your way.
Hang in there.

 

[YasTheCatLady]

Thank you sooooo much for your replies everyone. They all really mean a lot to me. I have been stuggling so much in the past month both from Rambo's cancer diagnosis to then his sudden death.

When he was diagnosed with cancer, I felt like my world had literally ended. I had never felt such despair and fear before. I was crying constantly and was pretty much hysterical. All my time from his diagonsis to his death was spent either with him or researching his cancer and talking to his vet and specialists. I barely ate or slept, every minute was dedicated to him - either to save him or just to be around him. I would spend hours just sitting with him telling him how much I loved him and that I would do everything in my power to help him but that if he wanted to go or wasn't strong enough, he would have to give me a sign because I would fight forever for him. Every day, I felt like I was saying my goodbyes to him. I would dread waking up in the morning because as soon as I opened my eyes I remembered my poor boy had cancer and I didn't know what the future held for him. I would stay awake most nights researching or checking in on him or listening for him puking which in his last week he done almost every day. The vet thought it was a reaction to antibiotics from his dental cleaning rather than the cancer though. It did improve after probiotics but I would still be so sure I would hear him puking and I would go and check and he would be sound asleep. I was utterly obsessed with trying to help him but I did say that I would rather lose him while he was still Rambo than see him fade away to cancer. We all thought including his vet that he had a great shot.

Ever since he died, I have felt so numb, pretty much. Almost normal like it hasn't happened? I feel nowhere near the pain I felt at the cancer diagnosis. I feel even at times like his death was years ago or even worse, for split seconds I feel like he never existed at all. I had these feelings when my stepdad died suddenly at Christmas 2019 so I kind of know they are part of grief but its just so weird to feel after feeling so much pain and worry over his cancer to now nothing. I get horrible thoughts like "well maybe I just didn't love Rambo and that is why I feel ok?". Rationally I try and tell myself I am probably still in the denial phrase or maybe my grief started as soon as I heard he had cancer.

I got his ashes back on Friday. His urn is now sitting beside my bedside. He used to sleep beside me most nights. I miss the cuddles so much. I used to just lay there with him and breathe in his smells and fur and cry with just how much I loved him and that he would never know just how much he meant to me. Crying just writing this part. In his last few weeks while cuddling, I would try not to cry in front of him but it would just come out. Sometimes I would cry with utter gratitude at just how lucky I was to have him and then other times it would be with sadness and anger that my boy had cancer.

Thanks again everyone xxx

 

[YasTheCatLady]

His urn

 

[di and bob]

What you are going through is all normal and very much apart of grief. You loved that boy so much and it shows. My heart breaks for your sorrow, only time will help you sort everything out. His love will always be with you, he will always be near....