Remembering Krista

[tarasgirl06]

The vet office sent her body to a third party. The vet office is supposed to be handling this. When they receive her cremains, they are supposed to call me to pick them up. I'm trying to believe that Covid is causing delays and not a vet office that I've already been having some doubts about. In any case, I don't think I can string a sentence together without losing it this morning. Calling the vet office is out.

Krista's been appearing in my dreams several times per week. Usually it's the last dreams of the morning (or maybe the only ones I remember) where I hear her using the litterbox and then wake and remember. There is no litter box. There is no Krista. Or I'll see her, in my dream, sitting on the media bench or jumping onto the bed or any number of perfectly normal sightings. Only to wake without a sighting. I don't give the after-life much thought. I don't know how to interpret these dreams. I don't know if she is visiting my dreams to tell me she's made it and she's whole and well again. Or if she's stuck between places and wants me to release her: to release the guilt and regret, to accept the loss, and help her move on. I wake up feeling comforted, more than distraught after these dreams. It may be the bargaining. But I feel like if I can see her in my dreams, maybe that's enough for now.

Oh, I'm often like that anyway, even if I haven't been through a loss. Not always good at talking. I guess that's why I pound a keyboard all day every day. It's much easier for me.
Well, I hope that whomever is handling the arrangements will contact you soon, realizing that anyone who has so recently experienced a loss will want to be updated ASAP.
I interpret all you have written about as memories resurfacing, not really messages. But I also believe SHE is definitely safe and has gone over. She will probably contact you soon via dreams. If there is any "between", it is YOU who is between and who is feeling guilt -- KRISTA does not "blame" you for being human and fallible (even though, as a feline, she was closer to perfection) -- but I do believe she wants you to examine your feelings and thoughts, and the history you shared, and come to terms, when you are able, to that fact. Not one of us is perfect! and no matter what we do, it will not be perfect, either. We could be the most highly educated scientist, cat vet, or spiritually educated person on the planet, and this would still hold true. In my belief system it is INTENTION that carries great weight. Krista knows your intentions. She knows you loved her and will always love her. She does not begrudge you your imperfections.
Watch and wait.

 

[daftcat75]

I was already feeling awful today going through wave after wave of tears today. I stepped out to pick up lunch and resolved to take the rest of the day off.

Then I got the call I never wanted. I think it hurt worse than the call I got three weeks ago. I think I was still within my shock bubble then

I’m sitting her in her office tree for now.


I have another spot I’m considering for her—the top shelf of the bookcase she used to sleep under. But I don’t know how I feel about sleeping under her shadow just yet.

Three weeks ago I didn’t even want her cremains coming home. I was okay with the delay in getting her back because it gave me time to get through the shock and get used to the idea. But it also prolonged the denial. She’s no longer at the vet. I’m no longer waiting for the call to pick her up. It’s done. It’s final. She’s home now.

I don’t see her sitting up in the tree now. I know she’s there though. Maybe she can sit there for a day or two until I get used to the idea and move her to her final resting spot on the bookcase.

Or maybe I’ll move her up there tonight. I just don’t know yet. I’ve never had cremains before. I don’t know my feelings about them yet.

 

[tarasgirl06]

I was already feeling awful today going through wave after wave of tears today. I stepped out to pick up lunch and resolved to take the rest of the day off.

Then I got the call I never wanted. I think it hurt worse than the call I got three weeks ago. I think I was still within my shock bubble then

I’m sitting her in her office tree for now.
View attachment 349499

I have another spot I’m considering for her—the top shelf of the bookcase she used to sleep under. But I don’t know how I feel about sleeping under her shadow just yet.

Three weeks ago I didn’t even want her cremains coming home. I was okay with the delay in getting her back because it gave me time to get through the shock and get used to the idea. But it also prolonged the denial. She’s no longer at the vet. I’m no longer waiting for the call to pick her up. It’s done. It’s final. She’s home now.

I don’t see her sitting up in the tree now. I know she’s there though. Maybe she can sit there for a day or two until I get used to the idea and move her to her final resting spot on the bookcase.

Or maybe I’ll move her up there tonight. I just don’t know yet. I’ve never had cremains before. I don’t know my feelings about them yet.

*Big hugs*
I know. It's NEVER easy. I currently have eight little urns on a bookcase. Many more are buried, in locations where we lived. It depended on the time and the ability.
What is it? Just what is left of something Krista did not need anymore and does not live in any more. But it represents her physical presence, so it is important. Personally, I do not give a lot of importance to these because I know the soul is eternal and THAT is what is important. THAT is what is love and cherished. Still, we have our beliefs, which may vary a lot from person to person based upon spiritual/religious ideology or just personal feelings. There is no one way that is applicable to all.
It seems as if now is not a time to make any decisions.
Just know she loves you and that you are bonded forever.
And know that we at TCS are here to be of support however we can.

 

[daftcat75]

When I decided to leave the office for the front room tonight, I started feeling guilt over leaving her cremains in the office tree. Like last night on earth guilt when I left her sleeping in the hallway and in her litter box for part of the night. Like letting her die alone at the vet guilt. So that settles it. She sleeps with me.

Death and loss and grief are not meant to be easy and painless. My attempts to compartmentalize my feelings towards her cremains are like my denial to accept that she’s really gone until I picked them up. I decided I wouldn’t abandon her cremains to the office. I have to face them. I can’t just go through my grief. I must grow through my grief.

I dusted the bookcase and made a space for her on top between a dance trophy (friends) and pictures of family. What’s sad is I don’t have a physical picture of her. She lived her entire life with me within the digital age. Her face has not graced any film of mine. Even her Xrays are on a thumb drive.

I’m thinking I’ll create a Fracture (fractureme.com) to hang above her box.

 

[daftcat75]

I think I’ll make this one into her over-the-urn Fracture.

 

[neely]

I don't usually come to this thread since it's so difficult for me. I apologize since I had no idea Krista is gone. Please accept my deepest condolences and most sincere regrets. She fought a courageous battle thanks to your dedicated perseverance and undying devotion. No one could have done more to give her the best quality of life. She is at the Bridge now and running pain free. RIP sweet angel.

 

[movinintime]

Fiona, this is SO true! The day our kitties pass are the saddest days of my lives.

 

[Talien]

What’s sad is I don’t have a physical picture of her. She lived her entire life with me within the digital age. Her face has not graced any film of mine. Even her Xrays are on a thumb drive.

I've not had an experience with fracture but there is photo grade printer paper, so you could go to someplace like kinkos or officemax and they should be able to print it for you. Or if you think you'd want to do that often you could just buy the paper yourself and print it at home.

 

[daftcat75]

I've not had an experience with fracture but there is photo grade printer paper, so you could go to someplace like kinkos or officemax and they should be able to print it for you. Or if you think you'd want to do that often you could just buy the paper yourself and print it at home.

Her life tribute is worth a higher degree of quality than I feel comfortable with in a DIY approach.

Besides, in the middle of a pandemic, I don't consider this essential enough to do in person. I'd rather pay a premium to stay home.

 

[tarasgirl06]

Her life tribute is worth a higher degree of quality than I feel comfortable with in a DIY approach.

Besides, in the middle of a pandemic, I don't consider this essential enough to do in person. I'd rather pay a premium to stay home.

How well I know those kinds of guilt! And I believe that when we join our beloved ones, one of the first things they'll tell us, adamantly, is how we shouldn't have/hold on to it. But we're human. Illogical. Un-catlike.
A fracture would be beautiful! BUT you could also get prints at places like snapfish.com or shutterfly.com. I deal with both on a frequent basis and like both. You can customize online and you can create things like memory books, canvas prints, etc. Just ideas. I've taken advantage of the 100 free prints options, and I've made a couple of memory books -- very nice quality -- as part of my parents' memorial. The possibilities are almost endless through either of these sites. And yes, the Kinko's option is great, too, but probably not at this time.

 

[daftcat75]

How well I know those kinds of guilt! And I believe that when we join our beloved ones, one of the first things they'll tell us, adamantly, is how we shouldn't have/hold on to it. But we're human. Illogical. Un-catlike.
A fracture would be beautiful! BUT you could also get prints at places like snapfish.com or shutterfly.com. I deal with both on a frequent basis and like both. You can customize online and you can create things like memory books, canvas prints, etc. Just ideas. I've taken advantage of the 100 free prints options, and I've made a couple of memory books -- very nice quality -- as part of my parents' memorial. The possibilities are almost endless through either of these sites. And yes, the Kinko's option is great, too, but probably not at this time.

I think I like the shutterfly option more than fracture. I feel more comfortable about aluminum possibly falling off the wall than glass. Seems like an odd worry. But I did already have a glass-framed print fall off the wall last year with the glass breaking. That area became one of Krista's favorite hang-outs because it was just outside the office. If I assume she enjoyed sitting sentry just outside the office because she was guarding the entrance for me, that was a pretty good place to sit sentry. It was a cross-roads of sort where predators from the living room could merge with predators from the bathroom before storming the office. Not on Krista's watch!

 

[tarasgirl06]

I think I like the shutterfly option more than fracture. I feel more comfortable about aluminum possibly falling off the wall than glass. Seems like an odd worry. But I did already have a glass-framed print fall off the wall last year with the glass breaking. That area became one of Krista's favorite hang-outs because it was just outside the office. If I assume she enjoyed sitting sentry just outside the office because she was guarding the entrance for me, that was a pretty good place to sit sentry. It was a cross-roads of sort where predators from the living room could merge with predators from the bathroom before storming the office. Not on Krista's watch!

Not an "odd worry" at all for us, here in EQ country...I've had stuff fall and damage other stuff. And my mom was willed this statue of value, which also fell in one of the EQs and was damaged. The biggest worry I'd have is for something to fall on one of my beloved cats! or my roomies or me. I have all the tall furniture (china cabinets, bookcases) bolted to the wall for this reason. And I only have really small pictures above the bed. That big EQ we had on July 4th a year ago was so bad the crystal chandelier was swinging back and forth like someone was playing badminton with it.
Elvis does a lot of doorway guarding, too. NOTHING gets by him. And he patrols the house at night, stationing himself by the security door. *You just can't be too sure.*

 

[daftcat75]

This was ordered through Shutterfly just now.

 

[tarasgirl06]

This was ordered through Shutterfly just now.
View attachment 349635

Absolutely beautiful.

 

[daftcat75]

Yesterday was a ginormous soggy mess! Even before I got the call. But honestly, as hard as that hit me, I feel lighter today. I'm no longer waiting for that call. I'm no longer dreading it. And I'm no longer spending anxiety on what to do with her cremains.

It wasn't as spooky as I thought it would be to sleep in their shadow. I didn't think I would be. But I feel comforted by their presence. I know it's not her. But it's the last physical connection I have to her. It's the closest I get to visiting hours at the Rainbow Bridge.

When I picked up her cremains yesterday, I dropped off her collection of meds including the chemotherapy. Except for a bottle of B-12 and some unexpired mirtazapine and cerenia. Those can be useful, if needed, for any cat at any age. Everything else I hope will expire before I ever (hopefully never) need them again. A bottle of Veraflox we never got to. Ursodiol and Denimarin. So many appetite stimulants--expired mirtazpine and Entyce. Compounded pred and marbofloxacin. Pred pills. So much guilt in such a small container. So much illness and disease carried out in a cardboard box and too many ziploc baggies--a little paranoia triple-packed with the chemo meds.

I managed to get out the words, between sobbing, "she came with a carrier. I don't want it." I don't have the luxury of storage. But I do like that carrier design. But I don't want to subject NC (next cat) to Krista's pee soiled carrier. NC can get her own carrier. Which will probably be the same design. So then I'm not going to mingle the pee carrier with the good one. It's just easy and practical to discard it. And replace it when the time comes. And anyway, perhaps the strongest reason against keeping her carrier: she and me have far more bad memories associated with her carrier than good ones. And there's just no reason to keep the bad memories if I can help it.

I get to curate her legacy now. And I want that to be one of love and joy, not illness and struggles. I know they're not easily separated when it was illness and struggle that deepened our bond these past few years and gave me some of my best memories of her. But when I look at a goofy-eyed, drooling Krista with a swollen face and a feeding tube in her neck, I choose to see the love, trust, and loyalty now rather than the worry and pain. I'm sure Krista will forgive me if I rewrite these memories to cherish the good parts and soften the hard ones.

 

[Furballsmom]

Dang, dude, you have it a lot more together than I did after we lost our Moffit. I wasn't able to verbalize this part;

And anyway, perhaps the strongest reason against keeping her carrier: she and me have far more bad memories associated with her carrier than good ones. And there's just no reason to keep the bad memories if I can help it.

 

[tarasgirl06]

Yesterday was a ginormous soggy mess! Even before I got the call. But honestly, as hard as that hit me, I feel lighter today. I'm no longer waiting for that call. I'm no longer dreading it. And I'm no longer spending anxiety on what to do with her cremains.

It wasn't as spooky as I thought it would be to sleep in their shadow. I didn't think I would be. But I feel comforted by their presence. I know it's not her. But it's the last physical connection I have to her. It's the closest I get to visiting hours at the Rainbow Bridge.

When I picked up her cremains yesterday, I dropped off her collection of meds including the chemotherapy. Except for a bottle of B-12 and some unexpired mirtazapine and cerenia. Those can be useful, if needed, for any cat at any age. Everything else I hope will expire before I ever (hopefully never) need them again. A bottle of Veraflox we never got to. Ursodiol and Denimarin. So many appetite stimulants--expired mirtazpine and Entyce. Compounded pred and marbofloxacin. Pred pills. So much guilt in such a small container. So much illness and disease carried out in a cardboard box and too many ziploc baggies--a little paranoia triple-packed with the chemo meds.

I managed to get out the words, between sobbing, "she came with a carrier. I don't want it." I don't have the luxury of storage. But I do like that carrier design. But I don't want to subject NC (next cat) to Krista's pee soiled carrier. NC can get her own carrier. Which will probably be the same design. So then I'm not going to mingle the pee carrier with the good one. It's just easy and practical to discard it. And replace it when the time comes. And anyway, perhaps the strongest reason against keeping her carrier: she and me have far more bad memories associated with her carrier than good ones. And there's just no reason to keep the bad memories if I can help it.

I get to curate her legacy now. And I want that to be one of love and joy, not illness and struggles. I know they're not easily separated when it was illness and struggle that deepened our bond these past few years and gave me some of my best memories of her. But when I look at a goofy-eyed, drooling Krista with a swollen face and a feeding tube in her neck, I choose to see the love, trust, and loyalty now rather than the worry and pain. I'm sure Krista will forgive me if I rewrite these memories to cherish the good parts and soften the hard ones.

I couldn't agree more. It's great that you passed the meds along -- somecat else may be in great need of them and the caregiver may not be able to afford. I wish this was allowable with human-specific meds as well, but I'm especially glad it is allowable for cats.
Can you get that same carrier? I hope so, if you like it. So are you going to just dump the old one, or pass it along? Pretty hard to sterilize stuff like that, but probably not impossible.
Yeah, I have a connection to all of those urns and graves, too, even if I can't exactly explain the "why" or the "what" or the "how" of it all. I feel a definite and deep loss over the graves I have had to leave behind. I would have had everyone cremated if I could have, but it was not possible in many cases. So, I'm glad I have the beliefs I have, but I will always feel some loss and some guilt over having had to leave those behind, because my background is very strong on taking care of our departeds' resting places and staying with them. So often in this world we do not get the luxury of that. It is very much a relief to know where they are and keep them close.

 

[Graceful-Lily]

I'm really sorry. I'm not very good with words but know that you are on my mind and I feel for you. I know how much you cared for her and loved her.

 

[daftcat75]

Dang, dude, you have it a lot more together than I did after we lost our Moffit. I wasn't able to verbalize this part;

It comes and goes. I had to sign off work early yesterday even before I got the call about her cremains because I was sobbing too frequently to be productive. It's like my heart just knew I was going to get the call and opened the flood gates early. Today I've had those welling up moments that don't spill over. And then I had a moment when I came from lunch and greeted Krista's cremains. "Hi Krista. What? No trill for me?" And of course I lost it. Because I'll never press the "trill button" again (which was just about anywhere!)

I've done a lot of self-help type work over the years. I'm not content with letting grief run its course in its own time. I want to know the stages of grief and keep score. I journal. I listen to grief podcasts. I do grief worksheet exercises. I'm listening to a grief audiobook (or two.) I take an active role in processing her loss. Instead of merely going through grief, I want to grow through grief. And growth necessarily requires next-level solutions to this-level problems. Things aren't going back the way they were. And why should they? There's Krista-sized holes all over my home, my heart, my routines, and even my budget. What will keep me stuck in depression is trying to see a life without Krista without filling in these holes. I can grow into those spaces and become a bigger person than before. NC (next cat) will appreciate his/her own spaces rather than being shoe-horned into those left behind by Krista.

 

[tarasgirl06]

It comes and goes. I had to sign off work early yesterday even before I got the call about her cremains because I was sobbing too frequently to be productive. It's like my heart just knew I was going to get the call and opened the flood gates early. Today I've had those welling up moments that don't spill over. And then I had a moment when I came from lunch and greeted Krista's cremains. "Hi Krista. What? No trill for me?" And of course I lost it. Because I'll never press the "trill button" again (which was just about anywhere!)

I've done a lot of self-help type work over the years. I'm not content with letting grief run its course in its own time. I want to know the stages of grief and keep score. I journal. I listen to grief podcasts. I do grief worksheet exercises. I'm listening to a grief audiobook (or two.) I take an active role in processing her loss. Instead of merely going through grief, I want to grow through grief. And growth necessarily requires next-level solutions to this-level problems. Things aren't going back the way they were. And why should they? There's Krista-sized holes all over my home, my heart, my routines, and even my budget. What will keep me stuck in depression is trying to see a life without Krista without filling in this holes. I can grow into those spaces and become a bigger person than before. NC (next cat) will appreciate his/her own spaces rather than being shoe-horned into those left behind by Krista.

It helps me to watch and listen to the videos I have of Tarifa. You have some of Krista trilling, don't you? I know it's not the real, but maybe it will be of some comfort.
And yes, we can and need to grow through grief. We sure won't grow without going through it. No one does it the same as anyone else, but I hope you'll bear in mind that it's very, very soon to expect yourself to be very far into that growth at this point.
I think I'm doing okay, and then suddenly I'm not. My roomie tried to tell me that a friend of hers counselled her after she lost her cat, saying she should be "happy" because her cat was playing up there. Maybe she was trying to be helpful and comforting, but the day after I lost Tarifa, I was NOT ready for this and I just told her her friend was wrong, that it is natural and normal to grieve, for ourselves, not for those who we have lost. She backed off. I don't cry in front of her, but I do mention Tarifa and I mention missing her. I mention Elvis missing her, especially, and Baby Su looking for her, when that is what is in my mind.
We just can't push these things.