Remembering Krista

[daftcat75]

I'm sure she's taken care of and time passes differently and other after-life hand-waving that I don't understand. But the thought of her waiting for me...

I wasn't always the best cat dad in the world to her. Before her teeth and IBD started to rear their ugly heads in 2018, I was world's greatest cat friend and world's best cat roommate. To think of that carefree decade before this now, it makes me a little ashamed and guilty. But I didn't know any better. I thought cats were self-sufficient and mostly hands-off. I used to claim that my cat was on automatic: gravity feeders of dry and water to last her a week and an automatic litterbox. I often traveled for long weekends or business trips without even a sitter. I didn't even have cameras trained on her back then. It's no wonder that she would yell at me when I got home. And it boggles my mind that I would go about all my "coming home" tasks without stopping to spend some reassurance time with her. I guess I figured the sooner I finished those tasks, the sooner I could turn over the rest of my night to her. But meanwhile she's following me around and yelling at me for days of neglect. I deserved it!

So when I think about her waiting for me on the big media bench in the sky, I hope time passes as quickly as all those times I said, "see you soon!" on my way out only to return a few seconds later because I forgot something rather than the long, unknowing wait that must have felt like abandonment.

Now I'm the one who feels abandoned.

 

[FeebysOwner]

I think what you describe is pretty common, and recognizable, by all of us. Days when we and our cats were younger, and we thought more of invincibility, less about aging and what that can mean.

I remember leaving Tawny (early 1980s) to his own devices with plenty of water and Tender Vittles packets that he had learned to open on his own... the time we left him in a car (at night and in cooler weather, but...) for hours while we fogged the house and went to see a movie. It seemed soooo "OK" back then, but I would never do any such thing ever again. And, yet Tawny loved us nonetheless. How 'mature' he was compared to us!

It is what it is, but we all do learn from those things, even if it is because life's fragility becomes more obvious to us as time goes by. We can't change it, we shudder to think we did it, but we did. It doesn't make it right, but we have to forgive ourselves as our loving cats did long before we even knew we needed to be forgiven.

 

[daftcat75]

I think what you describe is pretty common, and recognizable, by all of us. Days when we and our cats were younger, and we thought more of invincibility, less about aging and what that can mean.

I remember leaving Tawny (early 1980s) to his own devices with plenty of water and Tender Vittles packets that he had learned to open on his own... the time we left him in a car (at night and in cooler weather, but...) for hours while we fogged the house and went to see a movie. It seemed soooo "OK" back then, but I would never do any such thing ever again. And, yet Tawny loved us nonetheless. How 'mature' he was compared to us!

It is what it is, but we all do learn from those things, even if it is because life's fragility becomes more obvious to us as time goes by. We can't change it, we shudder to think we did it, but we did. It doesn't make it right, but we have to forgive ourselves as our loving cats did long before we even knew we needed to be forgiven.

I know Krista never once held a grudge against me. Not for a lack of opportunities, that's for sure. But even the days she came home from the vet, soiled and sore, that I would lock her in the bathroom with a camera and food to encourage her to groom the poop off herself that she wouldn't let me near with pet wipes, when she came out of that lockdown, she still wanted to bed down next to me. That hospital stay in early 2019 where every morning for the first few days where she seemed to come out looking worse than the day before, she would always make an unsteady beeline to my lap. The two weeks she spent on activity restriction in her pen after her ear surgery, she made her way to me for a belly ride every time I let her out for some supervised time.

I know Krista loved me better than I returned it. I know I closed that gap in her senior years. I know that my next cat will have a more involved guardian from the start. That will be Krista's gift to the new cat.

 

[tarasgirl06]

So right, FeebysOwner ! Thinking back to when each of us was a little kid. If we were healthy, our parents probably weren't continually checking on us to see that we were okay. Because they took it on faith that we were. My parents ALWAYS loved cats and treated all cats well, but they let our cats out, which I would NEVER do, because back then, they didn't know better. One of them was murdered by a coyote outside this house. I wasn't living here then but my aunt called me to tell me. I'll never get over this. I did not blame my parents, because, again, they did not know better. But the trauma will never leave me.
And my ex and I left lots of food, water, and clean boxes out for the long weekend we drove a cat to Best Friends and came home. The "community cats" got plenty of food and water as well. Was it ideal? Hardly. But we didn't know anyone we trusted to cat-sit, and everyone was well when we returned.
I've fed cats supermarket foods, and done much of what you describe in your post, daftcat75 -- because back then, I didn't know better and/or I had the same thoughts you had re: getting everything put away so I could have more, quality, uninterrupted time with my cats to be welcomed back into the clowder. Bottom line, Krista had to know your love for her was deep, and pure, and good. Ditto, my cats and me.
As to the time they wait for us, it is my belief that it seems like little or no time to them because they are in eternity. *I hope that makes sense to you.* Of course it SEEMS like eternity for us. Not in a good way.
When my mom was in her final days, I was visiting her and she turned to me and said, "I'm dying, aren't I?"
She was my best friend and so much else, and our relationship was almost 100% one of honesty, which we valued. So I replied, "Yes."
She then said something about looking forward to being with her mom and her brother who had been killed years and years ago.
I believe they ARE together, and yesterday was an anniversary of her passing. Do I miss her? Every day. As I miss my Tar. And so many, many more.
But I know we will be together again.
That has to be enough. I must accept that. For now.

 

[daftcat75]

I saw OC today. That's my new name for the Orange Cat. He was once again hanging out near the mailboxes. Which are also near the dumpsters. So I was heading out to dumpsters with hands full and OC gives me a loud meow of recognition. "Okay. Let me free my hands and I'll come back in a second." I came back and he was being coy. Meow! He yells. But he pulls away when I reach out to pet him. Sure. I know how this goes. I squat down to his level and let him circle around me until he let me touch his head and then, plop! Onto his back he goes. I'm not falling for the belly trap. But I did get in a bit more head scritches before I decided I wanted to get a toy and a treat. But when I got back, he had already moved on. Today's the landscapers' day. They may have spooked him.

I have grief to work through. I have an apartment transformed by Krista's age and illness that needs to be deeply cleaned. I have some weight to lose and healthy habits to re-learn. Like how to be fully myself instead of Krista's caretaker. I want to make a Photo Book to commemorate Krista. There are a number of things I'd like to do between cats. Because this time is painful yet rare.

But I do find myself more receptive to the thought of another cat already.

 

[tarasgirl06]

I saw OC today. That's my new name for the Orange Cat. He was once again hanging out near the mailboxes. Which are also near the dumpsters. So I was heading out to dumpsters with hands full and OC gives me a loud meow of recognition. "Okay. Let me free my hands and I'll come back in a second." I came back and he was being coy. Meow! He yells. But he pulls away when I reach out to pet him. Sure. I know how this goes. I squat down to his level and let him circle around me until he let me touch his head and then, plop! Onto his back he goes. I'm not falling for the belly trap. But I did get in a bit more head scritches before I decided I wanted to get a toy and a treat. But when I got back, he had already moved on. Today's the landscapers' day. They may have spooked him.

I have grief to work through. I have an apartment transformed by Krista's age and illness that needs to be deeply cleaned. I have some weight to lose and healthy habits to re-learn. Like how to be fully myself instead of Krista's caretaker. I want to make a Photo Book to commemorate Krista. There are a number of things I'd like to do between cats. Because this time is painful yet rare.

But I do find myself more receptive to the thought of another cat already.

I've done that for years, for many cats. It's a really good thing to do, along with planting trees and plants, and, of course, adopting.
But as John Lennon, or Allan Saunders, or probably a lot of people have said, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."
I'll just leave it at that, and request a few scritches and a warm meow or two from us to OC.

 

[Tobermory]

But I do find myself more receptive to the thought of another cat alread

Those of us who are enchanted by cats (and I mean bewitched) are highly susceptible, even though our losses may be recent. I adopted Mocha shortly after I lost Max. I had barely recovered from being a caregiver for a senior, insulin-dependent cat, and the other two cats and the house had barely recovered as well. I adored Max, and his loss, his absence, was with me every day even though I had Iris and Lily. But Mocha needed to be saved, and I needed to save her.

It was hard to shift my perspective from 24-hour care of a 20-year-old cat to gaining the trust of a three-year-old feral. Different set of challenges, and at times it wore me out emotionally because Max’s loss was still raw. But I kept thinking of the story of the old man throwing star fish into the ocean. There were hundreds washed up on the beach. When a young boy asked why it mattered when there were too many to save, the man looked at him, picked up a star fish, tossed it back, and said, “It mattered to that one.”

You are a cat person. They matter to you. They touch the inner core of who you are. Krista’s loss hurts and will continue to hurt. But it sounds like sooner or later, a cat will come along who needs you, who connects with you. And you will be there.

 

[tarasgirl06]

Hoping Tobermory is right. Because, with all the stuff you need to do, there are cats out there. CATS.

 

[FeebysOwner]

I saw OC today. That's my new name for the Orange Cat.

Is this a recently 'new' cat?

Not to ever diminish Krista's memory - but don't forget what I previously said:

I guess when you have a choice you have to go with what feels most comfortable. In my case, I didn't really have a choice with Gracie, so I just decided to believe it was meant to be... If you somehow 'find' a cat, don't pass it up. Just sayin'.

 

[daftcat75]

Is this a recently 'new' cat?

Not to ever diminish Krista's memory - but don't forget what I previously said:

I'm not getting into the affairs of this cat. I'm not even certain he's stray or feral based on how fit and friendly he is. He could be an apartment cat. He could be an apartment cat from many apartment complexes over based on how infrequently I see him.

 

[tarasgirl06]

I'm not getting into the affairs of this cat. I'm not even certain he's stray or feral based on how fit and friendly he is. He could be an apartment cat. He could be an apartment cat from many apartment complexes over based on how infrequently I see him.

Talking to and scritching are okay, though, yes?

 

[daftcat75]

Talking to and scritching are okay, though, yes?

Obviously!

Any cat, stray, feral, or otherwise, usually the first thing I'll do is orient myself perpendicular to the cat (rather than face on) and then squat to his level. "I'm approachable, but I'm not approaching you. Your move." The little black cat feral girl that sometimes comes around my car and carport (opposite side of complex from OC and the mailboxes) has never let me near her or approached me. But OC, he does a dance of trust. He'll greet me with a meow but he'll duck from my attempts to greet him. So, squat and turn, and he'll circle until he gets close enough for scritches. Soon as he gets those first scritches on his head, "oh yeah! I like these." But we have to go through this every time. Cats!

 

[Mia6]

But I do find myself more receptive to the thought of another cat already.

It sounds as though OC has taken a fancy to you Gingers are such sweeties.

 

[daftcat75]

If it weren't for the pandemic, I'd probably be spending time at the local cat cafe. I've been wanting to go to one for a long time. But I didn't want to bring home the scent of other cats to Krista. It's bad enough when I socialize with the random pet store kittens or the occasional OC visit. But I would have felt like i was downright cheating on Krista and bringing home the proverbial lipstick on the collar if I went to a cat cafe. Sadly, cat cafes may be years off from being safe again. Unless they can move the business model outside without losing their inventory.

 

[tarasgirl06]

If it weren't for the pandemic, I'd probably be spending time at the local cat cafe. I've been wanting to go to one for a long time. But I didn't want to bring home the scent of other cats to Krista. It's bad enough when I socialize with the random pet store kittens or the occasional OC visit. But I would have felt like i was downright cheating on Krista and bringing home the proverbial lipstick on the collar if I went to a cat cafe. Sadly, cat cafes may be years off from being safe again. Unless they can move the business model outside without losing their inventory.

*Yeah. To say nothing of OCS. (Other Cat Scent as in perfume).*
My roomie's sister was going to her cat cafe every Thursday in Tokyo and because she can't now, she's bumming.

 

[Kflowers]

when you think you weren't a good cat dad and become depressed, remember Krista chose you. She chose to come to you and teach you how to be the best cat dad possible. You have described how she followed you around telling you what to do, just as a mother cat does with her kittens. Mom cats don't expect kittens to get it right away, just eventually. That's what she expected from you, and you did. She taught you to be the perfect cat dad for her right to the end. Now let her teach you to not be angry with yourself for being the student and not the master.

 

[tarasgirl06]

Eloquently and compassionately put, K Kflowers . Big props.

 

[daftcat75]

Today’s three weeks. I look forward to a Wednesday I don’t mark the time like this.

I still don’t have her cremains. I was dreading receiving that call. Now I’m dreading making that call. This is hard enough. It shouldn’t be on me to track her down like this. It’s been a rough morning. I can put off this task another day (or week.) She’s not going anywhere.

 

[tarasgirl06]

Today’s three weeks. I look forward to a Wednesday I don’t mark the time like this.

I still don’t have her cremains. I was dreading receiving that call. Now I’m dreading making that call. This is hard enough. It shouldn’t be on me to track her down like this. It’s been a rough morning. I can put off this task another day (or week.) She’s not going anywhere.

The facility handling her final arrangements has not contacted you? That is very remiss of them. I am very sorry.

Two weeks for us this last Monday. IDK if you believe that dreams can be messages for us, but I do, and on that Sunday night/Monday morning our beloved angel Tarifa came to me in a dream. I was very relieved because for me, it was her message to me telling me she had made it and that she is all right. I woke up feeling much lighter than I had been.
I just finished reading this:
What will you remember at the end of your life?
IDK if you'll like it, but I did. I hope you will, too.

 

[daftcat75]

The facility handling her final arrangements has not contacted you? That is very remiss of them. I am very sorry.

Two weeks for us this last Monday. IDK if you believe that dreams can be messages for us, but I do, and on that Sunday night/Monday morning our beloved angel Tarifa came to me in a dream. I was very relieved because for me, it was her message to me telling me she had made it and that she is all right. I woke up feeling much lighter than I had been.
I just finished reading this:
What will you remember at the end of your life?
IDK if you'll like it, but I did. I hope you will, too.

The vet office sent her body to a third party. The vet office is supposed to be handling this. When they receive her cremains, they are supposed to call me to pick them up. I'm trying to believe that Covid is causing delays and not a vet office that I've already been having some doubts about. In any case, I don't think I can string a sentence together without losing it this morning. Calling the vet office is out.

Krista's been appearing in my dreams several times per week. Usually it's the last dreams of the morning (or maybe the only ones I remember) where I hear her using the litterbox and then wake and remember. There is no litter box. There is no Krista. Or I'll see her, in my dream, sitting on the media bench or jumping onto the bed or any number of perfectly normal sightings. Only to wake without a sighting. I don't give the after-life much thought. I don't know how to interpret these dreams. I don't know if she is visiting my dreams to tell me she's made it and she's whole and well again. Or if she's stuck between places and wants me to release her: to release the guilt and regret, to accept the loss, and help her move on. I wake up feeling comforted, more than distraught after these dreams. It may be the bargaining. But I feel like if I can see her in my dreams, maybe that's enough for now.