I know. And you can't undo any of that. But you've filed it away. And that's both a bad thing and maybe, somehow, a good thing, too. Because we just never know when information is needed.The sad and guilty truth is that I did know the fish flakes were no good for her. Sometime last year I correlated head shaking and other GI stuff with the flakes and stopped giving them. Before she was taking the chemo, I could convince her to join me in the office with the door shut for our nightly pred wrestling match. Then she could have her raw food dinner as a treat. She loved that food so much that she consented (but did not submit so easily) to that routine. When she started chemo, I felt hesitant to continue the raw with her immune system being actively suppressed. This is when I switched to the “devil’s bargain.” I knew the flakes weren’t the best for her. But she needed to take her medicine and our options were limited. She wasn’t going to consent to a nightly wrestling match for just a plate of regular food. I mentioned my concern to her doctor but he didn’t have any answer for me about whether using a small amount of a known trigger to get her to self medicate was detrimental. I didn’t get that answer until her ear surgery forced us to rethink the nightly routine and switch to the transdermal wet willy. All her poop nonsense stopped! For as bad as I feel for how long I prevented her remission, I am grateful and relieved that her final month or two she did enjoy a remission and had the most perfect poops this side of raw.
I was overworked, under-sleeping, and not thinking straight in her last year. I was throwing everything against the wall to see what stuck. And I wasn’t getting any good answers from her vet except, “maybe increase her pred dose?”
I know spending thought or feelings on this now doesn’t change the outcome. But it still haunts me from time to time.