Remembering Krista

tarasgirl06

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I fed on the deck today. View attachment 351094
If we’re in this for the long haul, then I want him to come to me.
Which he actually did. I’ve been trying to clicker train him. I was walking around looking for him clicking the clicker. Just as I was ready to give up and head back in to grab my keys for my own lunch errand, as I’m coming up on my unit, he’s already waiting for me in the deck.

Spotted!

Meow and don’t mind if I follow you in the front door. 😹

Alright meatball. But you’re eating outside today.

😺👍

I’ll look into some furniture or something for him out there to make it more pleasant for him. Especially when the weather starts to turn. Furniture the lease rules don’t forbid. 🤦🏼‍♂️ No catio. 😔
Do they allow a little cathouse? Those dog igloos could be nice -- plastic, so washable, with a little "doorway" to kind of keep off the elements, and then a blanket or pillow or cat bed could be installed toward the back. Large enough for food and water dishes, too, if you get a large-dog size. Very portable. Not heavy, but heavy enough not to blow away in "normal" weather (whatever that is). Would fit in right next to the fence/wall/end of deck. No one need even see it, except you and OC.
 
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daftcat75

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Do they allow a little cathouse? Those dog igloos could be nice -- plastic, so washable, with a little "doorway" to kind of keep off the elements, and then a blanket or pillow or cat bed could be installed toward the back. Large enough for food and water dishes, too, if you get a large-dog size. Very portable. Not heavy, but heavy enough not to blow away in "normal" weather (whatever that is). Would fit in right next to the fence/wall/end of deck. No one need even see it, except you and OC.
I was thinking I should create a new thread for OC in Caring for Ferals and Strays. This way I can get more input from those with experience with strays. And product suggestions like this dog-loo you mention which sounds excellent. And un-complicate my Krista thread.
 
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daftcat75

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Her photo tile arrived today! 😻
51AE7AAB-413B-437F-BCE1-341EB7052C9A.jpeg

It sounds like I should put thought into hanging this if the adhesive is going to be stubborn about repositioning. I may skip the double sided tape for the Command Strips velcro strips instead. That way I won’t muss the back of the tile if I want to move it elsewhere. I’m thinking maybe order two or three more and make a photo wall on one side of the bookcase or the other.
 

tarasgirl06

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Her photo tile arrived today! 😻
View attachment 351108

It sounds like I should put thought into hanging this if the adhesive is going to be stubborn about repositioning. I may skip the double sided tape for the Command Strips velcro strips instead. That way I won’t muss the back of the tile if I want to move it elsewhere. I’m thinking maybe order two or three more and make a photo wall on one side of the bookcase or the other.
If it's glass, though, you may want to weigh your options (no pun intended) because you sure don't want those to break. I have no experience with Command Strips -- they sound great, don't get me wrong -- but again, here in EQ country, it pays to be careful.
Beautiful couple above -- Lladro?
 
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daftcat75

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If it's glass, though, you may want to weigh your options (no pun intended) because you sure don't want those to break. I have no experience with Command Strips -- they sound great, don't get me wrong -- but again, here in EQ country, it pays to be careful.
Beautiful couple above -- Lladro?
It's Shutterfly (thank you for the recommendation.) It's aluminum. It weighs nothing. The velcro strip will likely be more sturdy than the double-sided tape it came with. But both are fine given its weight.

The couple are my folks. My brother is in the baseball card. Not a Lladro. It's a dance trophy. I used to dance West Coast Swing and this is the only trophy I won that I actually liked enough to keep. Third place Novice Jack and Jill (partners paired randomly.) Palm Springs. Many years ago! Before Krista's illnesses. 😿
 

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It's Shutterfly (thank you for the recommendation.) It's aluminum. It weighs nothing. The velcro strip will likely be more sturdy than the double-sided tape it came with. But both are fine given its weight.

The couple are my folks. My brother is in the baseball card. Not a Lladro. It's a dance trophy. I used to dance West Coast Swing and this is the only trophy I won that I actually liked enough to keep. Third place Novice Jack and Jill (partners paired randomly.) Palm Springs. Many years ago! Before Krista's illnesses. 😿
I thought it was metal, but wasn't sure. Great!
Beautiful trophy. Not sure if this qualifies as the genre or not, but have you heard/heard of Campus Five? The do live on the west coast and they do play swing. They're also great dancers. They're family to a friend of mine. If you google them, you can read lots.
 
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I thought it was metal, but wasn't sure. Great!
Beautiful trophy. Not sure if this qualifies as the genre or not, but have you heard/heard of Campus Five? The do live on the west coast and they do play swing. They're also great dancers. They're family to a friend of mine. If you google them, you can read lots.
Briefest history of swing:

First there was the swing danced in jazz halls in Harlem like The Savoy. This was the 1920's, I think. This is the granddaddy swing that all other swings descended from. When you think swing music and swing dancing, this is what you're thinking. It was called the Lindy Hop in deference to the news of the day: Charles Lindbergh's "hop" over the Atlantic.

Next came "East Coast Swing" which was an Arthur Murray invention for those parents who didn't want their kids dancing in jazz clubs in Harlem. Few people outside the ballroom dance community dance East Coast Swing. In international ballroom competitions, they have their own version of ECS called Jive. I like to say it's the British revenge for the Revolution. Jive is truly an awful "swing" that's only danced in international competitions (and Dancing With the Stars when they want to make the stars kick and prance like horses.)

Then came Western Swing which was a Hollywood-friendly version of the swing danced in clubs. The club dance is rotational. Western Swing was danced linearly so that the movie directors knew where to put the cameras. This was the 1940's. Western Swing was later renamed to West Coast Swing because "Western Swing" sounded too country. This was also called "Hollywood-style Lindy Hop". But that term isn't widely used outside of historical discussions.

There are other swings like Shag and DC Hand Dance. But basically, I tell people, "that swing that you have in your head maybe from the Gap commercial in the '90's? Swap out the music for contemporary popular music, slow it down, have the dancers stand up taller, and have them dance along a line instead of a circle, and that's West Coast Swing.

Or...
 
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tarasgirl06

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Briefest history of swing:

First there was the swing danced in jazz halls in Harlem like The Savoy. This was the 1920's, I think. This is the granddaddy swing that all other swings descended from. When you think swing music and swing dancing, this is what you're thinking. It was called the Lindy Hop in deference to the news of the day: Charles Lindbergh's "hop" over the Atlantic.

Next came "East Coast Swing" which was an Arthur Murray invention for those parents who didn't want their kids dancing in jazz clubs in Harlem. Few people outside the ballroom dance community dance East Coast Swing. In international ballroom competitions, they have their own version of ECS called Jive. I like to say it's the British revenge for the Revolution. Jive is truly an awful "swing" that's only danced in international competitions (and Dancing With the Stars when they want to make the stars kick and prance like horses.)

Then came Western Swing which was a Hollywood-friendly version of the swing danced in clubs. The club dance is rotational. Western Swing was danced linearly so that the movie directors knew where to put the cameras. This was the 1940's. Western Swing was later renamed to West Coast Swing because "Western Swing" sounded too country. This was also called "Hollywood-style Lindy Hop". But that term isn't widely used outside of historical discussions.

There are other swings like Shag and DC Hand Dance. But basically, I tell people, "that swing that you have in your head maybe from the Gap commercial in the '90's? Swap out the music for contemporary popular music, slow it down, have the dancers stand up taller, and have them dance along a line instead of a circle, and that's West Coast Swing.

Or...
Yeah! And Campus Five is in there.
Family members loved the original forms you're talking about. I have 78s and 33 1/3 of the greats, passed down to me. Great, great stuff!
 
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One of Krista’s last pictures. 😿
E95C634E-B53B-42AB-9360-C5A6580F8E4C.jpeg
I have a few more recent. But for her dignity, I’m keeping those to myself.😿

This one is bittersweet. This was maybe a couple days before she passed. She had stopped grooming herself. 😿 I would try to help her with her face. But she resisted or flat refused.

What I remember when looking at this picture is the two times I did bring her home from the vet that week, she came home with a clean nose. That meant some vet tech was bold yet gentle enough to do this to her and for her—despite her reputation😾. And she must have been feeling so poorly to allow this. It’s this tender kindness that brought light to a dark time. 😻
 
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One of Krista’s last pictures. 😿
View attachment 351128
I have a few more recent. But for her dignity, I’m keeping those to myself.😿

This one is bittersweet. This was maybe a couple days before she passed. She had stopped grooming herself. 😿 I would try to help her with her face. But she resisted or flat refused.

What I remember when looking at this picture is the two times I did bring her home from the vet that week, she came home with a clean nose. That meant some vet tech was bold yet gentle enough to do this to her and for her—despite her reputation😾. And she must have been feeling so poorly to allow this. It’s this tender kindness that brought light to a dark time. 😻
*Little angel girl* :hearthrob:
I have those kinds of pictures, too, brought on by a need to "keep" loved ones because I know they are shortly going to leave me. They're not comfortable to look at. Sometimes I think I should delete them. But I don't.
 
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daftcat75

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*Little angel girl* :hearthrob:
I have those kinds of pictures, too, brought on by a need to "keep" loved ones because I know they are shortly going to leave me. They're not comfortable to look at. Sometimes I think I should delete them. But I don't.
I didn’t realize they would be the last pictures I would take of her. I didn’t know. And now they feel almost like a violation of her dignity to post pictures from her final decline. 😭 Even the dirty nose picture I debated whether to post. But she was still getting on that day and I’d like to keep that memory of the vet tech taking the time to clean the food off her nose. She had so much else going on. But amongst all of that, a kind-hearted tech thought of her dignity. 😻
 
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daftcat75

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Another Wednesday. 😭 I’m trying not to keep score anymore. But of course I know how long it’s been. 😿😔

I tried to rewrite my Wednesday script by waking early to see if I could get on OCs breakfast schedule. I found him. But he bolted like he didn’t recognize me. Not a good start.

I forced some food in me and now I’m watching some grief shows on Gaiam TV.

I’ve already watched a couple of her YouTube videos. 😭😭 Those are precious. So she is too. I’m not there yet where there’s more joy than sorrow. But I am starting to feel the joy of sharing that life with her. But I will also be sobbing all day. 😭😿😔🤧
 
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Watched a couple interviews on grief this morning.

Lesson learned from the first one: grief, suffering, heartbreak, pain are all chemical in the body. Drink lots of water to flush those chemicals.

I like my coffee. But maybe I’ll try this today.

Second one:
There is no why to loss. Instead get to the what. What are you going to do? “Why” doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change anything. But “what” is where you still have power.
 

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Watched a couple interviews on grief this morning.

Lesson learned from the first one: grief, suffering, heartbreak, pain are all chemical in the body. Drink lots of water to flush those chemicals.

I like my coffee. But maybe I’ll try this today.

Second one:
There is no why to loss. Instead get to the what. What are you going to do? “Why” doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change anything. But “what” is where you still have power.
Well, yeah, technically, everything is chemical. They say falling in love is chemical. I can buy that. But we are mammals and mammals are hard-wired to feel, and to care.
Coffee is almost all water. So you can drink coffee, right?
"What are you going to do?" Well, right now you're going to feel your feelings, which are absolutely normal, and you're going to grieve, which is also absolutely normal. You're grieving for YOU, not for Krista, and you're going to do it as long as you need to -- and yes, those little rays of sunshine are going to peek through, maybe slowly, but they will. Sometimes instead of sogging, you'll chuckle a little, to yourself, at how adorable Krista was. You'll work. You'll feed yourself. You'll exist. Because that's what you do.
I know. For me, it's Mondays (which is convenient, as almost everyone dislikes Mondays) and for you, it's Wednesdays.
Tomorrow is one month to the day, for me.
I hope OC turns up for food and a little affection.
 
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daftcat75

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OC is well taken care of. After he had a half can of Fancy Feast for dinner from me last night at about 5:30, I caught up with him at 6:30 at another neighbor’s going to town on a 5 oz can of Friskies. This morning walking back to my unit, I saw a container left out. It probably contained some kibble from another neighbor. This morning he fled to the apartment complex next door. This guy is very likely getting food next door too. Otherwise, why would he go there? Well, booty call I guess. He is intact. 🤦🏼‍♂️😹

Yes. Everything is technically chemical. And your chemistry is largely dependent on water. Sufficient hydration not only flushes waste but it helps normal function. So while it seems like a whiffle ball that’s not going to pop with a lot of power, I’ll take this suggestion. There is no silver bullet for grief. But all those little things can add up.
 

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OC is well taken care of. After he had a half can of Fancy Feast for dinner from me last night at about 5:30, I caught up with him at 6:30 at another neighbor’s going to town on a 5 oz can of Friskies. This morning walking back to my unit, I saw a container left out. It probably contained some kibble from another neighbor. This morning he fled to the apartment complex next door. This guy is very likely getting food next door too. Otherwise, why would he go there? Well, booty call I guess. He is intact. 🤦🏼‍♂️😹

Yes. Everything is technically chemical. And your chemistry is largely dependent on water. Sufficient hydration not only flushes waste but it helps normal function. So while it seems like a whiffle ball that’s not going to pop with a lot of power, I’ll take this suggestion. There is no silver bullet for grief. But all those little things can add up.
Yeah. And as we know, they DO.
*Good to know OC is getting an adequate, if not exactly premium, diet. Very grateful to everyone putting caring into action for this little guy.*
 
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I cried quite a lot this morning. But it still doesn't seem enough. I feel like I had 1000 tears to cry today and only managed to squirt out 99. 😿 😞

But the rest of the day has been something of a sadness fog. Not so many tears anymore.

I'm not feeling the ifs and shoulds as much as I used to. A grief expert I listened to this week said,

'Should' is one of the most violent words in the English language.

She encourages trying "could" on for size and grace instead.

Mostly what I feel today is just sadness that I won't be in contact with this beautiful soul on this plane anymore.

Partly though, there's this feeling of incompleteness. I know electing for euthanasia takes a toll. But let me tell you. Not electing for euthanasia also takes a toll. I did spend some "final" time with Krista before I dropped her off at the vet for the last time. But I'm now starting to wish I had elected for euthanasia. Then at least I know I would have been saying goodbye for sure and I also would have felt better about how her suffering ended. I try not to think about her passing away alone in a cage at the vet's office. I try not to give more meaning to her death than her life. But this ending apparently does still haunt me.

If I could rewrite the ending, (and perhaps, in time, I will because who would ever fact check me here?!), I would have Krista climb onto my chest under her own power one last time. She'd get up in my face nose to nose. Then she would lick my nose. She only did this a handful of times but it was always so precious. Finally, she would do something I don't think she's ever done. From that belly to belly position, she would set her head down and nuzzle into my neck before passing peacefully. Perhaps I'll keep developing this memory here or in my offline journal until I can get this one to supplant what really happened. Because like I said, who would fact check this? These memories are between me and Krista. I don't think Krista would object if I rewrite the bad ones.

I miss her so much!

Boom! Water works! 😭
 

tarasgirl06

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I cried quite a lot this morning. But it still doesn't seem enough. I feel like I had 1000 tears to cry today and only managed to squirt out 99. 😿 😞

But the rest of the day has been something of a sadness fog. Not so many tears anymore.

I'm not feeling the ifs and shoulds as much as I used to. A grief expert I listened to this week said,

'Should' is one of the most violent words in the English language.

She encourages trying "could" on for size and grace instead.

Mostly what I feel today is just sadness that I won't be in contact with this beautiful soul on this plane anymore.

Partly though, there's this feeling of incompleteness. I know electing for euthanasia takes a toll. But let me tell you. Not electing for euthanasia also takes a toll. I did spend some "final" time with Krista before I dropped her off at the vet for the last time. But I'm now starting to wish I had elected for euthanasia. Then at least I know I would have been saying goodbye for sure and I also would have felt better about how her suffering ended. I try not to think about her passing away alone in a cage at the vet's office. I try not to give more meaning to her death than her life. But this ending apparently does still haunt me.

If I could rewrite the ending, (and perhaps, in time, I will because who would ever fact check me here?!), I would have Krista climb onto my chest under her own power one last time. She'd get up in my face nose to nose. Then she would lick my nose. She only did this a handful of times but it was always so precious. Finally, she would do something I don't think she's ever done. From that belly to belly position, she would set her head down and nuzzle into my neck before passing peacefully. Perhaps I'll keep developing this memory here or in my offline journal until I can get this one to supplant what really happened. Because like I said, who would fact check this? These memories are between me and Krista. I don't think Krista would object if I rewrite the bad ones.

I miss her so much!

Boom! Water works! 😭
Maybe you would have felt "better"/less pain if you had elected for euthanasia. But you honestly did not know she was needing it. You were still trying to bring her around. So personally, I don't think that would have made you feel less of what you're feeling and it may have made you feel MORE, because "What if I made the call too quickly?"
With Tar, the doctor immediately told me what he thought was the diagnosis, and asked to sedate her so that he could look and see for sure. Since the swelling and the effect on her eye were so obvious, I didn't have to turn this over in my mind. I wanted an immediate diagnosis. He gave me one. When he said her eye was "gone" I could certainly have had an enucleation and antibiotics and she could have had quality time. But when he told me the tumor was "inoperable", again, I did not have to hesitate. She was less than a month away from being 18. She had always been healthy up until then. This could be called an almost "perfect" scenario, because, I pray, she did not suffer. At least, if she did, she did not suffer long. The fact that she ate a full breakfast that morning indicates that. BUT I do not at all feel comfortable with having that power over the lives of those I love so much.
My mom told me she had hoarded some Rx and that if she got to that point, she might think about taking it. She had two terminal health issues, both serious. Nevertheless, I felt extremely uncomfortable with being told this by her, and I wanted to get rid of the pills. However, I did not do so as I did not know where they were, and I also did not feel I had the right to override her.
These matters are just never easy.
I think you did the "right" thing. But I'm not you. And I'm not Krista.
 
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