Regretting Adopting My Cat... Need Advice

[kittykate921]

Let me preface by saying that I grew up with cats. The cats I spent my childhood with were angels. Ginger was the sweetest old soul, constant purring on your lap or chest, paws on your face, soothing goodness. Our other cat Dusty, was more like a dog - He would follow me from room to room, jump on my lap and showered me in kisses. Overall - a tremendously positive experience. Beyond that, I have always been drawn more to dogs in my life - so vibrant in personality and so social, but also WAY too much work and time required to maintain a stable pet.

I have depression and have been seeking a loving, companion pet for some time, knowing a cat would be my best bet as a working student. I have been going to and from shelters and adoption organizations for quite some time, and while many of the cats were charming, I never felt a strong connection to them. They seemed aloof, more interested in things around them than people. Fast forward to a week ago when I met 4yo Birdie at the humane society. At our humane society, you must sit in a supervised room in order to interact with a cat.

When being set down in the room, all of the previous cats wanted to explore (understandably) but that made it hard to discern their personalities in such a short amount of time. Birdie, on the other hand, was placed next to me, looked about the room with her big green eyes, but immediately sought me out, purring, head-butting, looking up at me. She would sit on my lap or in my arms as content as could be. I finally found another cat like Ginger, I thought. I went back the next day with the intention to adopt her, took her into another private room just one more time to be sure, had another wonderful experience, then made the jump. Soon, I was driving Birdie home.

Since bringing Birdie home, she has shown very different colors. I understand that it takes cats time to settle in, but this feels drastic. Birdie turns out to be INCREDIBLY skittish. Runs away at the drop on a hat. She spends most of her time hiding, be it under my couch, or (more concerning) under my oven. She seeks out me and my boyfriend every once in a while, or rather sits near us. She never sits in our laps or purs like she did in the shelter. She prefers being alone. She doesn't play. She mostly just looks like she couldn't give one damn less. I feel really quite sad... I feel like I was tricked. This is not what I signed up for... for the next 15+ years.

I need a cat that wants to cuddle and be affectionate - that is what I was looking for all this time. I refused to settle, but it didn't matter anyway, because Birdie is so different now than when I made the decision at the shelter. I'm so disappointed. I hate to say this, but I suddenly feel burdened. I want it to work out, but I look at my previous cats, and my family member's cats, all full of personality and all of whom bonded immediately.

I don't know what to do... am I supposed to wait it out? Suck it up? Will it get better? Why is personality so drastically different? Bottom line - I don't want a cat unless it possesses affectionate social traits, but I also don't want to return an animal to the shelter, feeling like I failed it.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

I am really not supposed to be online on Sundays, but I do clean my email out, and spotted this, and HAD to respond.

It is way, WAY to early to give up on this cat. She's only been in your home a week, and if she is a more reserved cat, AND her entire world is upside-down right now, a week is no time at all to her. Just stay quiet, stay patient and let her make the first moves in these unfamiliar surroundings. It might take as much as a few weeks before she is really confident. But I'm betting that the cat you met and loved is still in there, terribly afraid just now, but wanting to trust you so very much. Just give her time.

And now, I'm back offline again, but I'll check in with you tomorrow and see how things are, perhaps suggest some more concrete things for you to try. Hang in there. You are NOT alone! Neither is your new cat.

 

[maggiedemi]

I think she's just scared. Cats don't like change at all. I think she'll go back to being the sweet cat that you met before. If you can, I would set up a feeding schedule that she can get used to, use the same words every time, like "Birdie Dinner". Is there any way that she would sleep in your bedroom with you at night? That could be a bonding experience.

 

[margd]

Mamanyt1953 and M maggiedemi are absolutely right. Birdie is frightened and still getting used to your home. Look at this from Birdie's point of view. Her entire world has just been upended. She's been moved to a completely new environment and she doesn't know yet if it's safe or not. She is overwhelmed at the moment by unfamiliar stimuli and is doing what cats always do when they feel this way: she's seeking out places where she feels safe. This is totally normal, even among outgoing social cats. My Paul, who is a big outgoing love bug, spent 4 days under the bed before he decided it was safe to come out. Some cats will move right in as though they've always been there but others may take a couple of weeks to feel totally secure.

I don't want a cat unless it possesses affectionate social traits,

You already know that Birdie has affectionate social traits. You've seen her in action. Yes, it may take awhile for those traits to reappear but it will worth waiting for that day. She sounds like an absolutely lovely cat, one who is charming and warmly affectionate when she feels safe. It may take some interaction from you, however to help Birdie get over her fear. When she is under something (and I agree, the oven shouldn't be one of them) sit near her and talk softly to her. Some people read to newly adopted cats who are still uncertain of their surroundings and hiding.

Play with her. Playing with your cat is one of the best ways possible for the two of you to bond. You can use something as simple as a string moved back and forth to spark her interest in the outside world. Look into wand toys, such as Da Bird and see if you can't tempt her out to chase it. Try putting the string or other toy under the bed near her and then gradually bring it closer and closer to you. Every time she moves a bit closer, praise her, pat her gently and give her a treat.

Try setting up a hiding place just for her and make it as comfortable and as comforting a place as you can. Put soft towels in there and provide her with a stuffed toy. A large box, turned over with a hole cut out for entry and exit, can be all you need. If she has a place she knows she can go to and be safe, it might cut back on her hiding all over the place. It will also make her feel more at home, knowing there is a place just for her.

The following articles contain information that you may find very useful as you go through this initial transition.

How To Get A Cat To Come Out Of Hiding?
16 Top Cat Experts Share Tips For Dealing With Timid Cats

(Regarding the last one - I'm not implying Birdie is a timid cat overall, but she is a bit shy at the moment).

The above are just some ideas for ways to help Birdie feel safe enough to return to the affectionate, outgoing cat that you know she is. It's important to keep in mind, though, that every cat is different. It is generally a mistake to compare a new cat to an old deeply loved one. The new cat can rarely measure up. Instead focus on getting to know Birdie's unique personality. I think you will find this to be very rewarding as it will lead to a greater understanding and love between the two of you. Getting to know an entirely new cat also expands the place in our hearts devoted to the cats we have known and loved. (I hope that makes sense.)

As someone who has dealt with major depression much of my life, I think I understand how difficult this is for you. You wanted to find a cat who would function in some ways as an emotional support animal, a loving being that would help you cope with your depression. You want to get this exactly right because it's so important to your mental health. I really think this should be possible with Birdie. She sounds like a great cat. Don't forget though, that every relationship is a two-way street. Try thinking of Birdie as temporarily depressed and treat her as you appreciate being treated and I think you'll see a real difference.

Please let us know how things go for the two of you. Sending you many vibes that it all works out beautifully.

 

[neely]

Another idea that came to mind is Birdie's health. Have you taken her to your vet for an initial visit/exam? I have taken each cat I adopted over the years to my own vet after bringing him/her home. Even though Birdie may have had her shots and a preliminary vet check-up through the shelter I would recommend that you take her to your personal vet. When I adopted Neely, the cat in my avatar, she acted fine at the shelter but behaved entirely different at home. Long story short, she was harboring a major URI.

margd gave you some excellent suggestions and articles to read. Here are a few more for your reference:
Note "Ruling out medical issues" in this article - Is Your Cat Stressed Out?
You, Your Cat And Stress
Six Surefire Strategies To Reduce Stress In Cats

I'm glad you found the TCS forum. We are here to support you and answer any questions or concerns you have about Birdie. Please keep us posted on her progress.

 

[Purr-fect]

Birdie DOES have the personality and traits in her that you want. You have already seen them. But that was in an environment she was accustomed to. She is in a strange place now and it will take time for her to settle.

When we brought our boys home they each hid under a bed for a week and would not come near us. It took even longer before they would let us pet them, longer before they would purr and trust us. But it was worth it. They have become wonderful buddies that make us laugh and love and cuddle and play.

Right now your birdie needs you. Dont give up on her. Be patient, play with her, give her treats, talk to her, give her space but include her.
You might bribe her with special treats that she likes. When she comes near, she gets a treat, put the treats closer and closer to you, eventually putting them in your lap.

Also make sure she has her own private areas where she can just be alone.

Patience is key.

Dont forget, cats are very in tune with their environment and others feelings, even though they may often give the impression they are indifferent. If birdie thinks you are stressed and unhappy, she is not likely to be happy or want to spend time with you. You must give positive energy to attract the same.

Love, patience, playtime interacting, talking, treats, toys....I thing will work over time

 

[hmckinney]

it's definitely just an adjustment period for all of you. it's normal for cats to take a little while to adjust, and if you give her time, i'm sure birdie will be happy and affectionate like usual in no time.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

And in the time it took me to get back, you've been given the links to the articles I wanted you to have! YAY! Please let us know how she progresses!

 

[PushPurrCatPaws]

...
16 Top Cat Experts Share Tips For Dealing With Timid Cats

(Regarding the last one - I'm not implying Birdie is a timid cat overall, but she is a bit shy at the moment).
...

^^ That article is a really great one, with excellent tips. I really endorse the idea of starting a newly adopted cat out in a smaller room, one that has a lot of safe hiding places in it, until the cat can get really comfortable with that room only. Then you can try expanding the kitty's territory. Maybe Birdie is just a bit overwhelmed with all the extra space at this time.

... Birdie turns out to be INCREDIBLY skittish. Runs away at the drop on a hat. She spends most of her time hiding, be it under my couch, or (more concerning) under my oven. ...

Hiding under the oven is worrisome, I agree!
When I brought my kitten home a few years ago, I knew a potential "hidey place" for kitties could be underneath our refurbished 1940s gas stove -- at the base of it, behind the oven, there is a big gap underneath for air flow, etc. I decided to buy some of that high temperature 3M heat tape, and I securely taped mesh wire over that opening so that my kitten would not hide under the stove/oven. The mesh metal wire still allows for hot air flow when your oven is on. You might look into blocking off that hidey place for your Birdie? I always worried my kitten would get trapped under there when I used the oven, and I wouldn't know it!

 

[terestrife]

My mother adopted an outdoor cat that was so friendly! loved everyone and wanted to be petted all the time. Time passes and we adopt Elsa. She change from night to day! terrified all the time, she never wanted anyone near her, except my mother.

she didnt allow me to pet her for an entire year! I gave her space, became the one that fed her, and gave her treats. I would back off when she didnt want attention. After a year she started allowing me to pet her. And now she cant stay away from me. lol She wants attention constantly and is a very needy cat.

i suspect you just need to give your cat some time. Be the sole source of everything that is good in life. lol

 

[Espalia]

Excellent resources and advice have been given here already, but as added encouragement to stick with it I wanted to add that overcoming this initial setback with Birdie can help you have an even closer bond with her in the future. Helping a cat feel comfortable in their new home and having their behavior towards you change as you both learn more about each other is a very rewarding experience.
I have seen and experienced cases of "imposter syndrome" at the shelter, but this does not strike me as one of them. It sounds like she is just scared of the new environment and it will take her a few days to adjust. If she interacted with you that positively at as stressful an environment as the shelter, I have little doubt she will come around to you in no time.

Please check out the articles and follow the advice posted above and don't lose hope yet!

 

[di and bob]

She was confidant and secure at the shelter. Now her whole world has been turned upside down and she is scared and terrified. Not all cats are timid like this, but she is and that is what counts. You saw her true personality at the shelter, it WILL come back in time. But it may take weeks to months, I have had cats that won't get out of my lap that took almost a year to adjust. These cats aren't even seen for weeks at first. But it will come, have faith. Talk softly to her, don't push her to do anything she doesn't want to, and offer lots of yummy treats. This is a CAT, and there needs to be lots more teaching at the shelters on what to expect. You earn a cats trust and love, they are not blind followers like dogs, falling all over themselves to please. Cats are regal and need to observe and analyze before they feel at home. In the end it is so much more worth it!

 

[danteshuman]

I'm all for giving her time ... however I did have one hell cat I re-homed. So I would suggest calling the place you adopted her from & informing them that things are starting off rocky. Maybe they know some things that work for her? I don't think you can really know how she will react for a month or two. That cat I gave up on? An under socialized indoor /outdoor cat stuck in an apartment 24/7....that bit me! Still I gave her 6 months! I think you need to give at least 3 months. I would start by giving her a base camp for a week. Put all her toys, scratching posts, litter boxes & beds in there. Where ever she sleeps, place towels there to soak up her scent. Then place some of her scented items in another room in the house (like the living room) and start leaving the door open to her base camp room. Cats tell a lot by smell, so if the rest of the house smells like her, she feel more at home.
Lastly I know it is hard sometimes (like when I break down and rub my cat's belly) but you have to respect a cat's space. If they don't want to be petted or held, you have to respect it. It will make them more cuddly in the long run. After all how cuddly would you feel towards a giant that kept picking you up & man handling you?
*Cassie lived happily with my x-in laws where she could go out whenever she wanted & my x-father in law had such calloused hands he thought she was playing when she bit him

 

[Artistwolf]

*Cassie lived happily with my x-in laws where she could go out whenever she wanted & my x-father in law had such calloused hands he thought she was playing

Sorry, I don't have more input to add, but I just thought this was so funny! Meade me smile

 

[Elfilou]

I can only imagine my Elfie (2 y.o) going from a shelter, getting settled after a while and feeling okay - only to be ripped away from that and have to start over and get familiar all over again. Yes, my cat of 2 would hide, she would be skittish and she would be scared of her new surroundings.

I second on giving her a "Base Camp". This will make things easier for her, and therefor also for you. Don't give up on her. When you give love you will receive it ten-fold. That cat you met at the shelter is still in there.

 

[Lalka]

interactive play can (when the time is right) can help nervous cat. Dont buy balls and furry mouses...it has to be a toy that involve you and her playing at the same time...like a wand. You ll have to do it everyday.

 

[Lalka]

Beyond that, I have always been drawn more to dogs in my life - so vibrant in personality and so social, but also WAY too much work and time required to maintain a stable pet.

Cats are the same ;p and they smell so good ;x

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Please let us know how things are progressing...