Reeling In Pain And Guilt For The Loss Of My Darling Cleo

Purr-fect

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Im sorry you lost your baby.

Most of us have been thru this and it sucks, it hurts and we always wonder "what if".

There will be better days ahead.
 
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dorymb

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Thank you. This forum has meant a lot to me. Cleo's "sister" (they weren't related, but both black and the absolute best of friends) is roaming the house, circling, searching. It breaks my heart (although it's already broken.) We adopted Cleo first and then a few weeks later asked if Cleo had a friend at the shelter and were told Isis and she were great friends. We've had them since they were less than a year old. Isis has two other housemates, but doesn't care for either. She is 17 years old and I am giving her a lot of attention, but wondering what else to do for her.
 
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dorymb

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Yesterday, I was fairly calm, but early this morning (1:00 AM)I woke up sick at heart and I've been tearful ever since. Basically, writing here is thearapy for me, I don't expect responses. I just need to write. I want to take back my actions and re-write the script. I am so heartbroken and ashamed. There are so many missteps along the way since her December 30 visit to the vet. Things I should have done.
 

meelasmom

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Dory, you know I absolutely I understand your pain. Those moments come and go without rhyme or reason. I come here for my therapy too. We are not alone. We all undestant all too well the pain in the loss. I am here for you. Hugs!!!
 

les26

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Oh, I am just reading about this now and I am so sad for you and how you feel and for your loss of that beautiful sweetie, but like others have said it is the guilt and grief that is governing your thoughts right now, cats as Di and Bob said are "masters" at hiding their illnesses, believe me I know, and have several times felt that awful pain and guilt thinking "I should have seen this sooner" or "I should have done this or that", but the truth is that when their time, and ours for that matter, is up, it is time to go, no matter how long or short we have had them, no matter how much we love them, no matter how much we get them medical care it is time, but it hurts like crazy, you feel that your heart will break and you will die yourself it is so strong the feeling and love, but that just proves that it is so very special and important to us that we love them so strongly, but we surely know how you feel, and so many people say "I'll never get another pet, it hurts too much to loose them", but most end up getting one again after all, and your kitty would love that if you showered another cat in need with all that you did for her, if and when you are ready, right now isn't the time probably, but in the future perhaps.

You can read my recent post on here about me having a difficult time as it was just 3 years ago that we had to put Simon down, and I also talk about Sebastian who passed away in my arms 11/15, and my latest sweetheart Sylvester and how he reminds me of those two boys put together, and how he and I found each other, in the darkness, and helped each other, him from a bad situation where he was living, and me whose heart was broken from losing Sebastian in such a horrific way. He is my joy, I love him dearly, and I know that when his time comes to leave me I will be devastated, but I am giving him vitamins and fish oils and taking care of him and told him the other night "make me a promise that you'll stay around for a long time", although like I said we never know, we can just enjoy them while they are here and do the best that we can.

I hope that your heart heals a bit each day, God Bless......:alright:
 
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dorymb

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Thank you. I read your posts about Simon and Sebastian. I am happy for you that you have found Sylvester. I hope I can find another to take Cleo's place in my heart, but that seems so impossible at this point. It's just been two weeks now. I still find myself putting out 4 bowls and having to scrape one back in the can. We have three other cats, but my house feels so empty. I just can't believe that I didn't get Cleo help when she needed it. I look back on events leading up to her death and it's so clear to me now. I hope I can get over this. I'm a broken record, I know. It does hurt like crazy. I keep replaying that song in my head that goes someting like "why does the sun keep on shining? Why does the sea rush to shore....don't they know its the end of the world..." crazy right? But it feels like I won' tbe over this for a very long time. Can't see to type anymore. Thank you again so much.
 

les26

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You never really get over it, you just come to be able to live with it, time softens the bad feelings and guilt and memories, but you will always remember it. You did nothing wrong, but when these things happen and that guilt has you wrapped so tight in it's grip NOTHING anyone can say to you helps much, you just have to deal with it and let it ride out it's course, as hard as that is, if you must cry, cry, if you are mad get mad, if you remember something she did that is funny laugh, but just let it flow, as bad as it is if you let it flow it is like letting poison out of your system slowly, if you bottle it up and keep blaming yourself (which is quite normal) it will stay inside you, you did nothing wrong, she is happy and wants your heart to heal and so do we, but we certainly 100% understand how you feel because we have all been down that AWFUL road before, and sadly will again, some of us MANY times, Deb and I 9 more as we have 9 cats, but it is the down side of having pets but we must take the good with the bad.

Make sure to take care of your other cats, they are grieving too and need you and you need them, Cleo's spirit is still there just try to tune into it and you'll feel her presence.

Feel better soon, we are all with you and here for you always....and we understand the devastating pain......:alright: :grouphug2:
 

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I am so sorry for your loss, she was a beautiful cat. Hindsight is 20/20 and we all have things we wish we could go back and redo, but you did the best you could at the time with the knowledge and resources you had at the time. That's all we can ask of ourselves. She knew she was loved and had a wonderful long life with you. Hold tight to the good memories and don't let the sadness of her last 3 days overshadow the 17 years of joy you had together. :hugs:
 

les26

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I am so sorry for your loss, she was a beautiful cat. Hindsight is 20/20 and we all have things we wish we could go back and redo, but you did the best you could at the time with the knowledge and resources you had at the time. That's all we can ask of ourselves. She knew she was loved and had a wonderful long life with you. Hold tight to the good memories and don't let the sadness of her last 3 days overshadow the 17 years of joy you had together. :hugs:
Very well said!!!
 
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dorymb

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I had a difficult night and morning. I thought finally figuring out what was wrong with Cleo and caused her death (undiagnosed inflammatory bowel disease) was going to help me get passed my grief, but it's opened up a big bag of guilt and self doubt. I came back here to read everyone's words of comfort. I thank everyone for being so kind.
 

meelasmom

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Dory..I'm sorry you are still reeling in guilt. I also had uncomfortable dreams last night..all about animals. My son's girlfriend got a kitten from us who was a miracle survivor. She brings her to our home every weekend with her. Last night Sophie disappeared and Macy couldnt find her. I am praying Sophie comes home safe. Even though she's not mine, I still love her and want her safe.

Hang in there Dory.
 

meelasmom

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Good news..in a sad thread. Sophie came home and is ok. Hope you are doing better dory. ❤
 
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dorymb

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Happy that Sophie was found. I did think about her since you posted. Have been thinking also about Antonio and Palina. Antonio if you read this, please post updates.
 
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