Reeling In Pain And Guilt For The Loss Of My Darling Cleo

dorymb

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There is no comfort. I let her down. This picture was taken last summer. She was gorgeous with a lovely personality. I am filled with regret over not taking her to the vet sooner.
cleo obit.jpg
 

Mamanyt1953

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My heart breaks for you. She was lovely. Later, there may be words, but for now, you are not alone.
 

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I am sorry for your loss. We all have our own guilt for not doing more. I guess it's normal. I carry guilt for not taking my Meela home that night and giving her more time to figure out what the next step was. I acted quickly out of fear. I will always carry that guilt and heartache, but I also realize I can't bring her back...oh how I wish I could. My heart goes out to you and I am sending you hugs.
 

margd

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Cleo was such a beautiful cat. :bigeyes: She looks like royalty, which is fitting considering her name.

I'm sorry that you're dealing with guilt on top of the grieving you are doing right now. I think we all regret something in retrospect and do a bit of Monday Morning quarterbacking. You did the best you knew how and that is really all you can do. Please be gentle with yourself. You are hurting bad enough without making it worse by blaming yourself. You don't deserve it - you really did do your best. :alright:
 

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Cats are very good at hiding injuries and illnesses. Especially older ones. Your beautiful Cleo gave you 17 years of unconditional love and wants you to remember her in happier times. None of us would ever want those we left behind to be crushed by our memory. The love is too strong and selfless for that. When a loved one becomes a part of our past, we have to make an effort to make it full of peace and goodness, we will now go forward and they will follow, bound to our very souls by the love we forged over the years. A love that strong is spiritual, so even though the physical body fails, the love goes on.
The cycle of grief always brings on all those feelings of doubt. It is a part of the healing process to come to terms with the absence of the one we love. You did nothing wrong, you loved and cherished her and she knew it. You would never purposely do anything to bring her to harm.
Please use your memories of happier times to bring you comfort. Let the love she still sends you bring you peace. It takes a long time to heal a broken heart, and the scar it leaves behind is always there. Eventually you learn to live with the pain and learn how to keep it manageable, you follow a new life's order that intertwines the past and the present and you will once more live again, as she would want for the one she loves above all others.
My heart goes out to you, I know how much it hurts, I've been down that path of tears and would not wish it on anyone. But then I realize that I've been so blessed to have known them at all, that having them in my life was a treasure beyond compare. They brought meaning to my life and taught me more than I can ever repay. We go on to keep them alive through our memories, to bring meaning to a life that was here and walked beside us on our life's journey for a while. For as long as we have those memories, we will always have them.
Take care of yourself, know you are not alone in you grief, I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers........RIP beautiful Cleo, you will never be forgotten, you will dwell in a warm,loving heart for eternity. May your journey to the Rainbow Bridge be swift, where the angels welcome you with soft words and warm laps. Sleep tight, pleasant dreams, little Princess, you rule the heavens as you ruled the heart of the one who misses you so very much!
 
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dorymb

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She seemed happy and alert until 3 days before she died. She always had a sensitive stomach and was a fussy eater. In 2008, she almost died when she started vomiting and couldn't stop. Vet did all these tests and said she probably had cancer, but I took her to the ER and they did ultra sound and other tests and gave her anti nausea meds and she got over it. Changed vets. Periodic vomiting continued, several more scares over the years with increased vomiting bouts.
I am sorry for your loss. We all have our own guilt for not doing more. I guess it's normal. I carry guilt for not taking my Meela home that night and giving her more time to figure out what the next step was. I acted quickly out of fear. I will always carry that guilt and heartache, but I also realize I can't bring her back...oh how I wish I could. My heart goes out to you and I am sending you hugs.
Thank you. I am so miserable.
 
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dorymb

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Cats are very good at hiding injuries and illnesses. Especially older ones. Your beautiful Cleo gave you 17 years of unconditional love and wants you to remember her in happier times. None of us would ever want those we left behind to be crushed by our memory. The love is too strong and selfless for that. When a loved one becomes a part of our past, we have to make an effort to make it full of peace and goodness, we will now go forward and they will follow, bound to our very souls by the love we forged over the years. A love that strong is spiritual, so even though the physical body fails, the love goes on.
The cycle of grief always brings on all those feelings of doubt. It is a part of the healing process to come to terms with the absence of the one we love. You did nothing wrong, you loved and cherished her and she knew it. You would never purposely do anything to bring her to harm.
Please use your memories of happier times to bring you comfort. Let the love she still sends you bring you peace. It takes a long time to heal a broken heart, and the scar it leaves behind is always there. Eventually you learn to live with the pain and learn how to keep it manageable, you follow a new life's order that intertwines the past and the present and you will once more live again, as she would want for the one she loves above all others.
My heart goes out to you, I know how much it hurts, I've been down that path of tears and would not wish it on anyone. But then I realize that I've been so blessed to have known them at all, that having them in my life was a treasure beyond compare. They brought meaning to my life and taught me more than I can ever repay. We go on to keep them alive through our memories, to bring meaning to a life that was here and walked beside us on our life's journey for a while. For as long as we have those memories, we will always have them.
Take care of yourself, know you are not alone in you grief, I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers........RIP beautiful Cleo, you will never be forgotten, you will dwell in a warm,loving heart for eternity. May your journey to the Rainbow Bridge be swift, where the angels welcome you with soft words and warm laps. Sleep tight, pleasant dreams, little Princess, you rule the heavens as you ruled the heart of the one who misses you so very much!
Thank you for your kind words of comfort. It seems nothing can help right now. She was a very healthy, lively cat with bouts of stomach issues over the years. I saved her a few times over her life, and could have again. I don't know why I waited so long. I don't know how I can forgive myself. I am sick with pain. I truly loved that little girl. I kept trying Pepcid, Slippery elm, a bag of tricks to entice her to eat, opening many cans to find one she liked "today." I just kept thinking since her blood work Dec 31 was so good, it couldn't be anything huge, just the same old "sensitive stomach." Her weight was way down. I spent so much time on the Internet researching, but I should have taken her back to the vet. A few weeks sooner would have make all the difference. I've read your words several times and will read them again. In time I hope I can readjust my thoughts to the good times.
 

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Dory, I know exactly how you feel. On your other thread, I mentioned that I lost a Cairn Terrier to ckd in January. She too was happy and alert until her last few days. The Friday night of her final crash I could tell she was not coming through and had planned to move her vet appointment from Monday and take her in when the vet opened on Saturday, but she did not survive the night. I will always feel like I should have taken her to an emergency vet on Friday night.

Now I will tell you that I know the love that you had for Cleo, and it is very clear that you did everything you could for her. She could not have had a better caretaker than you. Kidney disease always unfortunately ends the same way and there is nothing we can do to stop it. Fortunately, it is a disease which does not cause the animal pain. Please do not feel guilty for Cleo's final hours when she passed in the comfort of her loving home. I know you would tell me the same.

Hugs to you. I'm very sorry for your loss. :hugs:
 

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I am so sorry for your loss. Cleo was so lovely, like a movie star!! And 17 years was a long time
to spend together. She is at the bridge now and I bet all the boys are fighting over her.

Take it one day at a time.

Hugs,

Mia
 
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dorymb

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Dory, I know exactly how you feel. On your other thread, I mentioned that I lost a Cairn Terrier to ckd in January. She too was happy and alert until her last few days. The Friday night of her final crash I could tell she was not coming through and had planned to move her vet appointment from Monday and take her in when the vet opened on Saturday, but she did not survive the night. I will always feel like I should have taken her to an emergency vet on Friday night.

Now I will tell you that I know the love that you had for Cleo, and it is very clear that you did everything you could for her. She could not have had a better caretaker than you. Kidney disease always unfortunately ends the same way and there is nothing we can do to stop it. Fortunately, it is a disease which does not cause the animal pain. Please do not feel guilty for Cleo's final hours when she passed in the comfort of her loving home. I know you would tell me the same.

Hugs to you. I'm very sorry for your loss. :hugs:
Thank you for your words of comfort. I am grateful that she passed at home. When I saw the vet on Tuesday, he recommended euthanasia and I just couldn't do it. I wanted her here.
 

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Dorymb, I have just found your thread and I perfectly know how you feel.
You had 17 years full of love with her at your side. Cleo was a real and royal beauty, black cats are just second in my list of favourite cats.
As others have told you, cats are very good at hiding any disease or pain and often we realize that something is wrong when it's a bit too late. No matter how early we take them to the vet, we could have always taken them there one day earlier and this sense of guilt will be with us forever.
Cleo is at the Rainbow Bridge now, playing with other cats who went there before her, other will follow. I know that one day we'll meet them again, I do hope so. I wouldn't like to be anywhere else but there with them.
Hugs to you and a kiss to Cleo.
 
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dorymb

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Dorymb, I have just found your thread and I perfectly know how you feel.
You had 17 years full of love with her at your side. Cleo was a real and royal beauty, black cats are just second in my list of favourite cats.
As others have told you, cats are very good at hiding any disease or pain and often we realize that something is wrong when it's a bit too late. No matter how early we take them to the vet, we could have always taken them there one day earlier and this sense of guilt will be with us forever.
Cleo is at the Rainbow Bridge now, playing with other cats who went there before her, other will follow. I know that one day we'll meet them again, I do hope so. I wouldn't like to be anywhere else but there with them.
Hugs to you and a kiss to Cleo.
Thank you for your kind words. I am so crushed. The signs were there, I just didn't read them.
 

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Don't blame yourself, sweetie. I know how hard that is as I have done that. Cleo's passing is
still so fresh and you need time to grieve. Let the tears flow. And know she is with Lola, Meela,
Omelette, my Kirsten, Gary, MoMo, (can't think of all of our babies who have crossed) and so
many others at the Bridge.

Hugs,

Mia :grouphug2:
 

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They say that hindsight is 20/20. Many signs have a new meaning when we know what's behind.
My poor and sweet Lola started drooling and losing food from her mouth past mid-August and when I took her to the vets they told me it was nothing worrying, just a simple gingivitis.
It wasn't...
If I had looked into her mouth rather than putting gel onto her gums maybe things would have gone differently.
I hope they can forgive us for our mistakes.
 
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dorymb

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They say that hindsight is 20/20. Many signs have a new meaning when we know what's behind.
My poor and sweet Lola started drooling and losing food from her mouth past mid-August and when I took her to the vets they told me it was nothing worrying, just a simple gingivitis.
It wasn't...
If I had looked into her mouth rather than putting gel onto her gums maybe things would have gone differently.
I hope they can forgive us for our mistakes.
Thank you, Antonio for your kind words and sharing your sad experience. Our vets have failed my family too over the years. I have to think of that too. It really does help to have people like you on this forum with words of support.
 
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dorymb

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Don't blame yourself, sweetie. I know how hard that is as I have done that. Cleo's passing is
still so fresh and you need time to grieve. Let the tears flow. And know she is with Lola, Meela,
Omelette, my Kirsten, Gary, MoMo, (can't think of all of our babies who have crossed) and so
many others at the Bridge.

Hugs,

Mia :grouphug2:
Thanks Mia. Right now I can't help but cry and cry. I'm trying.
 

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:alright: Condolences on losing your princess, Cleo. You loved her so very much and had her for so long, it is no wonder that your grief is so great. We lost my disabled daughter's companion cat, Christy, last October - she was 18 years old; we got her when she was several days old and her feral mom was poisoned - we didn't even decorate for Christmas. There is an old Roger Whitaker song, 'The Last Goodbye' that has the refrain, "Oh they say the moment that you're born is when you begin to die and the first time we said 'hello' began our last goodbye"; I keep trying to understand but the tears still come....Cleo knows that you love and miss her; she knows that you did your best; she knows that with you her earthly home was a good home, safe and happy with all the joys of life including treats, toys, lots of appreciation & affection, and Heaven knows it too... I will be keeping you both in my prayers and thoughts
 
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dorymb

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Thank you. I can feel how it felt to hold her. I miss her so much. I hope your daughter has found a new kitten to love.
 
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meelasmom

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The pain is horrible, isn't it. The guilt can be even worse. Don't blame yourself. Cleo wouldn't want you to. You gave her so many good years. She loved you and I am sure she misses you and wouldn't want you to beat yourself up. God had a reason He wanted her. I feel the same about my Meela.
 
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