Really Struggling Right Now

[angr89]

I guess I'm here needing a outlet, hoping someone else has had the same feelings as can assure me eventually it won't hurt so much. We had to put our baby Ashes to sleep yesterday. Due to his condition I think we made the right decision however I have so much guilt. also I had never been through that and wasn't prepared for it, he couldn't walk pretty much and had just been laying there, however when they gave him the sedative it was like he tried to get up, broke my heart like here I thought he was unaware of anything and it felt like he knew something was wrong and was going to try to get away, however he was so weak he couldn't. also those last gasps of air are horrifying to me, I can't get that out of my head.

My baby was a stray we took in 14 years ago, he had FIV but we did take good care of him and he had a good life until close to the end when he got sick. I noticed 3 months ago he wasn't eating good so I took him to vet did bloodwork and when they looked in his mouth said his teeth looked pretty good, however if it was under gums they wouldn't be able to tell without sedating, cleaning teeth etc. his bloodwork came back good, they did give antibiotic and a pain med just in case some infection.

Well he did seem to start eating again, not like I thought he should but everyone kept saying he's old, they eat less. I wanted to do the dental to see if that was it, but it was a argument with my husband because of the cost and his age. don't get me wrong he loves pets too but he was just convinced it was his age catching up with him. so I dropped the argument, and I'm regretting that dearly. I did eventually syringe feed my baby trying to get him stronger to go ahead and do it argument or not, but I was too late, he had lost so much weight and was weak.

I don't know and never will now if it was something as simple as dental or more serious like cancer. But how could I have not just went ahead and did the dental 3 months ago? yes money is tight but my babies are important to me. he was such a good baby right up until the end, he couldn't walk, kept falling over if he could even get up, yet somehow that last night he still got in his litter box to potty, even though he had to lay down to go. we had box close but still have no idea in his condition how he made it there, I like to think my baby was just that good of a little boy.

I don't even want to be home every room I walk into i picture where he would be and cry, I just want my baby back with me and I'll always question if I could have prevented this 3 months ago. I have no appetite, my stomach hurts, I don't want to do anything but cry. while people have been sympathetic, I'm pretty sure they don't want to hear me carry on about it. Will this feeling of guilt, regret, missing him so much it hurts and I can't quit crying ever go away?

 

[arouetta]

I'm sorry for your loss. Ashes was a beautiful cat.

But stop the questioning. That's just self-flagellation. And for the sake of your marriage, you have to learn without resentment of choices made. Don't let your cat's death be the catalyst for destroying lives.

Anesthesia is not without risk, especially to a senior kitty, so consider what could have happened with what amounted to an exploratory procedure if you had gone ahead every time you feel the guilt for not doing so. It's not a matter of making the wrong choice, it's a matter of never knowing where the other path led to. You will never know, and there is no guarantee it would have been a better outcome. It could have been a worse outcome. It could have been a perfect set of teeth and gums that had absolutely nothing to do with the reduced appetite, so the outcome would have been identical with less money available for the other cats.

The pain eases, slowly, very slowly, but it also waxes and wanes. There will be bad days and good days. Grief is ugly, grief is unique, grief has a nasty habit of rearing its head at the worst times. But as I said earlier, don't let the guilt and the grief destroy your life, destroy your marriage. Hold your husband close and grieve together. And give yourself permission to be a little whiny. It's okay to be a drama queen right now.

And 14 years with FIV....you clearly took very good care of him. Clearly.

Death is ugly. But consider that the sedative may have also suppressed the pain so he was trying to get up just because for a moment he felt better. Or maybe the suppression of pain made him realize you were hurting and he was trying to get up to comfort you. That last little bit, you may have given him one last moment to feel good enough to try and stand. Take comfort in those thoughts.

Hugs.

 

[di and bob]

Grief is full of guilt and second guessing. My 17 year old developed an abscess on his mouth. Abscess are something I usually take care of myself, but I thought he had dental issues that brought it on and took him in. They did surgery and now several months later he is doing very poorly. Anesthesia on a senior patient is very tricky, I saw it with my dad, and several other patients I cared for. They are never the same. The personality changes, there are changes in their every day patterns. They have so many health issues, many of them undetected, that it can lower the chances for full recovery significantly. You stated he started eating again so I doubt very much it was a dental problem, there would have been drooling and other signs.
My husband was with one of our beloved cats when they were euthanized and it affected him profoundly, he stated he could never go through it again. But he would if it meant an end to suffering, that is something none of us can watch.Your husband is hurting too, in his own way. Men, just like cats, are better at hiding their emotions, but he has a broken heart too, he is hurting deep inside. We have held so many in our arms while they died it is almost uncountable, through disease and old age, and we are older and have seen a lot. We have mourned each and every one, and know any dieing is not easy, or something any of us want to be a part of, but we must be there, it is not for us, it is to let our loved ones know we are near, and we will be with them when they go into the night. Most fight against it until the very end. It is instinct.
No, it is not easy for us to accept that we will never have our loved ones in our lives anymore, it never is something you get over, it is something you learn to live with. Time is the only thing that helps to soften the sharp edges of grief. In the beginning you must allow yourself to cry, to rage, to blame, to drag out every emotion you can and get it out. It must not be suppressed and allowed to fester.
Just hold on to the fact that you shared your life for 14 years with that wonderful boy, that he left you a wonderful legacy of love, and that for as long as you live he will be a dear part of your past. You have a bond with his soul that can never be taken from you, use it to comfort yourself and to realize that his new path will always parallel yours. He would never want you to be so sad, remember that. Just as you would want for him to go on, to be happy once again, he wants the same for you. Keep busy, try not to dwell on the end, but celebrate knowing that sweet boy, for having him share your life. It would have been unthinkable to have never known him at all. Nothing can change the past, no matter how much we want it to be different. It does absolutely no good to try to change something that we have no control over, it only brings on heartache to an already hurting heart.
Do good in that wonderful boy's name. I pay for the adoption of a senior cat, or the cat that has been there the longest at my local shelter several times a year. Donate food or litter to a pantry, adopt another little soul to distract yourself from your grief, all this helps to make you feel better about yourself and memorializes your sweet boy's name.You have a big enough heart to share what he left you, to add to your love, as a mother loves all of her children. And most of all, know there are others who care, who cry with you, and who help you through this. We have been there. Take care of yourself......RIP precious Ashes, you were the sweetest, best boy your family could ever want. You will live on in the hearts that will forever hold you, you will never be forgotten. Goodnight, sleep tight, little boy!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Ashes, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

I remember talking with a very dear vet, the one who held Kim (the dog I grew up with) and cried after we had to have her put to sleep, about what happens. He said that so often animals jerk like that, but after years of observing them, he had come to realize it was the moment when they thought, "OH! The pain is GONE!" That thought has helped me help more than one pet reach final peace over the years.

But, we are humans, and we wonder, and we second-guess. Just know that you gave Asher 14 years of love and care, far more than he could have expected with FIV, and that that love, which NEVER DIES, was and is returned full measure.

 

[angr89]

Thank you all for the kind words, it really warmed my heart. Ashes was truly a very special boy who I'm going to miss every single day. your words have really brought me some comfort. I know it's fresh and going to take time but wow is this part incredibly hard. Hoping the pain starts easing soon. again thank you for the kind words.

 

[les26]

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss, you had him for 14 wonderful years which is pretty good but no matter how long it is never enough. I think it was his time to go, so don't beat yourself up too much, it is normal to question everything and think of "what if I did this" or "I should have seen this" but that is just the grief taking over your mind, and with time it will lessen and the terrible memory of him gasping for air will not hurt as much.

When Sebastian was sick he also went into the litter box and just laid there, we thought he was dying but for some reason he just did that. And he used a litter box right until the end, we also thought "what a good boy he was" to do that, so yes Ashes was one also. One night when I came home his right leg was stuck in the mini blinds, he was dying and trying to climb them I guess, and when I freed him he passed quickly in my arms which was horrible, but looking back now it is not as strong and painful as it was 2 years ago, so your last memory of him suffering at the end will weaken with time too, but it takes about 1.5 years to start to truly adapt to it.

I am sorry for your loss, I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless....

 

[Ellie's Mom]

I guess I'm here needing a outlet, hoping someone else has had the same feelings as can assure me eventually it won't hurt so much. We had to put our baby Ashes to sleep yesterday. Due to his condition I think we made the right decision however I have so much guilt. also I had never been through that and wasn't prepared for it, he couldn't walk pretty much and had just been laying there, however when they gave him the sedative it was like he tried to get up, broke my heart like here I thought he was unaware of anything and it felt like he knew something was wrong and was going to try to get away, however he was so weak he couldn't. also those last gasps of air are horrifying to me, I can't get that out of my head.

My baby was a stray we took in 14 years ago, he had FIV but we did take good care of him and he had a good life until close to the end when he got sick. I noticed 3 months ago he wasn't eating good so I took him to vet did bloodwork and when they looked in his mouth said his teeth looked pretty good, however if it was under gums they wouldn't be able to tell without sedating, cleaning teeth etc. his bloodwork came back good, they did give antibiotic and a pain med just in case some infection.

Well he did seem to start eating again, not like I thought he should but everyone kept saying he's old, they eat less. I wanted to do the dental to see if that was it, but it was a argument with my husband because of the cost and his age. don't get me wrong he loves pets too but he was just convinced it was his age catching up with him. so I dropped the argument, and I'm regretting that dearly. I did eventually syringe feed my baby trying to get him stronger to go ahead and do it argument or not, but I was too late, he had lost so much weight and was weak.

I don't know and never will now if it was something as simple as dental or more serious like cancer. But how could I have not just went ahead and did the dental 3 months ago? yes money is tight but my babies are important to me. he was such a good baby right up until the end, he couldn't walk, kept falling over if he could even get up, yet somehow that last night he still got in his litter box to potty, even though he had to lay down to go. we had box close but still have no idea in his condition how he made it there, I like to think my baby was just that good of a little boy.

I don't even want to be home every room I walk into i picture where he would be and cry, I just want my baby back with me and I'll always question if I could have prevented this 3 months ago. I have no appetite, my stomach hurts, I don't want to do anything but cry. while people have been sympathetic, I'm pretty sure they don't want to hear me carry on about it. Will this feeling of guilt, regret, missing him so much it hurts and I can't quit crying ever go away?

I wish I had the words to give you comfort but I'm in the same emotional state. I feel so sad and depressed. The house feels lonely and I wish I would see her in her favorite spots. Sometimes I wake up and think it's all been a nightmare and my Ellie will by my side as she always was. It's been two weeks for me and I still cry multiple times a day. I have two other cats to care for (one stray and Ellie's sister, Daphne) but it's still not the same without her. Daphne has been depressed too! I feel I've exhausted my family by talking about Ellie since she got sick in June. She's been my only focus these past 4 months and sending her off to the rainbow bridge has been so painful. I remind myself of the pain she was in and how she's resting now, without her pain. I have her pain now. This forum helps, you are not alone in your grieving. Sending you thoughts and prayers for peace and healing in your heart for your precious Ashes

 

[cassiopea]

Huge condolences for your loss it is understandably hard!

Ashes looked like such a handsome fellow. Many many hugs and love from all of us!

 

[Summercats]

Beautiful boy and I agree, he lived a very long life with FIV and it is clear he had a loving family.

 

[zed xyzed]

What a precious little man, he looked like a wise and sweet guy. I am so sorry for your loss

 

[solomonar]

One word only: death means nothing compared to endless and deep suffering. The point a cat does not cry or moan like a suffering man is tricky.

Remember when you burned your fingers on stove? Remember that pain? Now, multiply it by 1000 and imagine is on your entire body. Pain-killers are not effective for ever. Pain is not just pain, pain is hitting every single brain cell.

You did the right thing. Something that shall be legal for humans as well.

You cant prevent anything. No way. You know, some people takes tens of medical checks, they live a healthy life, don't smoke, don't drink and eat lot of vegetables. And suddenly they get sick and die in months. We never know, we cant prevent, for we are not the masters of our lives.

Tears here and hugs!

 

[cataan]

I believe cats seek comfort from the litter box. The last couple days of one of my cat's life, he slept in the litter box. The walls of the box, it being tucked away in its own room, etc. allows them to feel safe. It sounds as though your cat was terminal. While it's possible he could have lived a little longer, you have to balance that with how much suffering he would experience. For the cat I mentioned above, I wish I had euthanized him 12-24 hours earlier -- I know that extra time was horrible for him. I took a picture of him in those last few hours before the vet arrived -- and his face was literally sad, so unhappy. I very rarely look at that picture, but I wanted something that said "I was with you in the good times and in the bad times". While I am sad he is gone, that is different than guilt -- and when a cat is in the end stages of a terminal illness, I don't think you should feel guilty. Sad, of course, as that indicates how good a friend you were to him, and he to you.