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Iām going to try and make as this succinct as possible. If I left out any details in my quest of trying not to ramble, please fire away with any questions or any clarifications you want fleshed out a bit more. Iām here in search of advice. My gut tells me itās time-sensitive to figure out a plan ā but I may be completely incorrect in this assumption. Iām embarrassed to say that the below was my effort at being brief
Iām a recent widower. My wife had a really tough decade before she died. After the original diagnosis 11 years ago she was aggressive in her choice of treatments (this choice has a consequence of being very, very tough for the patient with respect to side effects). But it looked like the right decision 2 Ā½ years later when we were told that the treatment course worked, and her scans/labs indicated that she was ācompletely cancer free with a great chance for a mostly normal lifespanā. I wonāt go into the details except to say that she experienced three false remissions with all the heartbreak and pain associated with her determination to be as aggressive as the Oncologists will allow. Most people have trouble with one course of chemo/radiation and she put up through three.
I described our last eleven years because it is relevant. It will explain some of my perceived urgency as well as my strong resolve on some issues.
OK, cat talk time. Let me start by saying, we have no children. It was not in the cards due to bizarre genetics, but we dealt with it decades ago by becoming favorite Uncles and Aunts and having lots of pets. Human adoption did not appeal to us at that time. There were several generations of puppies and a cat or four the first 25 or so years of marriage. One day attrition finally got in sync and we were suddenly pet-less (pet-free?). That day was over 20 years ago.
A couple of days later the Fate Stork delivered us a sole, abandoned, exposed kitten literally laying on the asphalt at the end of our driveway. We weened this 1.5 week old kitten (sex hard to tell due to age and condition). This one was weird because with the rescue and weening we found in ourselves the parents we never were. We did not get any more animals. Kitty (yes, thatās her name. yes, she was a she). We developed a bond with her that people here will understand, but non cat lovers never will. She was a part of our lives and souls that was complete. I.e. we were dedicated to her as much as anyone with their humanoid kittens. Iām not saying we loved her more than we would have loved a human baby, Iām just saying that it would have been the same. We loved her as much as we loved each other. Enough said? Keep this in mind for when I say things that seem too emotional for an adult man.
Iāll start to pull this all together now.
When my wife had her first diagnosis and subsequent first night in the hospital (first night we were ever apart since wedding), I developed an even stronger bond with Kitty than I had in the first 10 years of her life. That should not have been possible. But the two of us āworriedā together and missed mommy not being home together. I turned from a cat nut to a crazy cat lady from then on. I literally do not own one single shirt thatās not a cat tee, cat monogram, cat watches, bumper stickers, wall clocks, calendars, yard flags, bird chimes, mugsā¦
Let me mention, I do not work. I have been on disability for 15 years due to an aorta trauma I got when an 18 wheeler did not see me on my motorcycle as he was stopping at a red light. I had a helmet on and was lucky to not have gotten a head injury but - yada yada yada old newsā only thing relevant is that I donāt work. Because of this I was with my wife and Kitty 24/7 since then. Consequently, all of our bonding was that much more intense. We lived for and through each other. If I was not at the hospital, I was with Kitty. I did not go out ā no family in town, friends just wanted to get drunk so I rarely saw them. My friends were her medical team.
Winding Down ā
My wife finally got her deserved rest when she died on June 10th. On June 15th I made a commitment for my mother to move here from Florida and I will be her primary caregiver. She is 87 years old. She has memory issues, but not dementia. She falls a lot but has not broken anything yet. She has middle to later stage congestive heart failure that we are managing through medications. Her prognosis is not grave, but she could become that quickly. On Monday and Tuesday she arrived WITH her CAT, Harley.
Friday, July 1st, I turned 65 years old. At 2pm Friday on my Birthday, I had to euthanize Kitty. She was 20 years, 2 months old. She went into end stage renal disease 2 days earlier then was gone. It was so fast. I am profoundly sad. In the last 20 days I have been left behind by the 2 women that were my whole entire life and world. I was with one for 45 years and the other for 20 years. In exchange I got my convalescing mother and Harley (who seems nice but is also part of the problem).
After Kitty died in my arms on my birthday, which was 2+ weeks after my wife died in my arms, I walked away from the Vet on a mission. I was purposeful and driven. I did not hesitate. I knew what I had to do. I got in my car and drove to the local shelter. I adopted this young lady in the picture. Sheās insanely cute, sweet and totally bonkers ā i.e. purrfect. Sheās a year old and is only 6 pounds. She makes my heart melt. Her name is ā wait for it ā Kitty Too
My home is set up where my living area is 2 floors away from where I moved my mom into. Kitty Too hid in my recliner for an hour then came out like she owns the place. We had a fun afternoon ā I was smiling. Then she disappeared.
In her travels exploring the house she found Harley. Harley is 18 years old and has neither affinity nor dislike of Kitty Too. He just sits there and looks at her bouncing around.
Last night, Harley, Kitty Too, and my mom all slept in her bed. Today they hung out there all day as well. With Harley being 18, heās not going to too many places. My mom feeds them both in her area because Kitty Too has not come back to my area to eat. Iām devastated and also racked with guilt because I feel Iām being selfish in my heart. I went and got her for me. I need her. I want her in MY bed (and lap etc.). But at the same time, she obviously has done nothing wrong. In fact, my mom and the 2 cats have certainly just been who and what they are.
What do I do? I think I only have 2 choices;
So there you have it. I donāt mind being mocked, trolled, or even being ignored. I just hope there is one or two that take the time to read it and give me a sentence or two replies. I absolutely donāt know what to do, but think I have to decide soon.
Sorry for the length!!
Iām going to try and make as this succinct as possible. If I left out any details in my quest of trying not to ramble, please fire away with any questions or any clarifications you want fleshed out a bit more. Iām here in search of advice. My gut tells me itās time-sensitive to figure out a plan ā but I may be completely incorrect in this assumption. Iām embarrassed to say that the below was my effort at being brief
Iām a recent widower. My wife had a really tough decade before she died. After the original diagnosis 11 years ago she was aggressive in her choice of treatments (this choice has a consequence of being very, very tough for the patient with respect to side effects). But it looked like the right decision 2 Ā½ years later when we were told that the treatment course worked, and her scans/labs indicated that she was ācompletely cancer free with a great chance for a mostly normal lifespanā. I wonāt go into the details except to say that she experienced three false remissions with all the heartbreak and pain associated with her determination to be as aggressive as the Oncologists will allow. Most people have trouble with one course of chemo/radiation and she put up through three.
I described our last eleven years because it is relevant. It will explain some of my perceived urgency as well as my strong resolve on some issues.
OK, cat talk time. Let me start by saying, we have no children. It was not in the cards due to bizarre genetics, but we dealt with it decades ago by becoming favorite Uncles and Aunts and having lots of pets. Human adoption did not appeal to us at that time. There were several generations of puppies and a cat or four the first 25 or so years of marriage. One day attrition finally got in sync and we were suddenly pet-less (pet-free?). That day was over 20 years ago.
A couple of days later the Fate Stork delivered us a sole, abandoned, exposed kitten literally laying on the asphalt at the end of our driveway. We weened this 1.5 week old kitten (sex hard to tell due to age and condition). This one was weird because with the rescue and weening we found in ourselves the parents we never were. We did not get any more animals. Kitty (yes, thatās her name. yes, she was a she). We developed a bond with her that people here will understand, but non cat lovers never will. She was a part of our lives and souls that was complete. I.e. we were dedicated to her as much as anyone with their humanoid kittens. Iām not saying we loved her more than we would have loved a human baby, Iām just saying that it would have been the same. We loved her as much as we loved each other. Enough said? Keep this in mind for when I say things that seem too emotional for an adult man.
Iāll start to pull this all together now.
When my wife had her first diagnosis and subsequent first night in the hospital (first night we were ever apart since wedding), I developed an even stronger bond with Kitty than I had in the first 10 years of her life. That should not have been possible. But the two of us āworriedā together and missed mommy not being home together. I turned from a cat nut to a crazy cat lady from then on. I literally do not own one single shirt thatās not a cat tee, cat monogram, cat watches, bumper stickers, wall clocks, calendars, yard flags, bird chimes, mugsā¦
Let me mention, I do not work. I have been on disability for 15 years due to an aorta trauma I got when an 18 wheeler did not see me on my motorcycle as he was stopping at a red light. I had a helmet on and was lucky to not have gotten a head injury but - yada yada yada old newsā only thing relevant is that I donāt work. Because of this I was with my wife and Kitty 24/7 since then. Consequently, all of our bonding was that much more intense. We lived for and through each other. If I was not at the hospital, I was with Kitty. I did not go out ā no family in town, friends just wanted to get drunk so I rarely saw them. My friends were her medical team.
Winding Down ā
My wife finally got her deserved rest when she died on June 10th. On June 15th I made a commitment for my mother to move here from Florida and I will be her primary caregiver. She is 87 years old. She has memory issues, but not dementia. She falls a lot but has not broken anything yet. She has middle to later stage congestive heart failure that we are managing through medications. Her prognosis is not grave, but she could become that quickly. On Monday and Tuesday she arrived WITH her CAT, Harley.
Friday, July 1st, I turned 65 years old. At 2pm Friday on my Birthday, I had to euthanize Kitty. She was 20 years, 2 months old. She went into end stage renal disease 2 days earlier then was gone. It was so fast. I am profoundly sad. In the last 20 days I have been left behind by the 2 women that were my whole entire life and world. I was with one for 45 years and the other for 20 years. In exchange I got my convalescing mother and Harley (who seems nice but is also part of the problem).
After Kitty died in my arms on my birthday, which was 2+ weeks after my wife died in my arms, I walked away from the Vet on a mission. I was purposeful and driven. I did not hesitate. I knew what I had to do. I got in my car and drove to the local shelter. I adopted this young lady in the picture. Sheās insanely cute, sweet and totally bonkers ā i.e. purrfect. Sheās a year old and is only 6 pounds. She makes my heart melt. Her name is ā wait for it ā Kitty Too
My home is set up where my living area is 2 floors away from where I moved my mom into. Kitty Too hid in my recliner for an hour then came out like she owns the place. We had a fun afternoon ā I was smiling. Then she disappeared.
In her travels exploring the house she found Harley. Harley is 18 years old and has neither affinity nor dislike of Kitty Too. He just sits there and looks at her bouncing around.
Last night, Harley, Kitty Too, and my mom all slept in her bed. Today they hung out there all day as well. With Harley being 18, heās not going to too many places. My mom feeds them both in her area because Kitty Too has not come back to my area to eat. Iām devastated and also racked with guilt because I feel Iām being selfish in my heart. I went and got her for me. I need her. I want her in MY bed (and lap etc.). But at the same time, she obviously has done nothing wrong. In fact, my mom and the 2 cats have certainly just been who and what they are.
What do I do? I think I only have 2 choices;
- Grab Kitty Too and put her on my floor and close the door to my Momās area at least until Kitty Too has bonded with me. Once she has chosen me (god that sounds so immature), Iāll let her run free. Iām dubious of this option because even if I get her to bond, she might just choose Harley anyways. The problem is that she came from a shelter that had OVER 100 cats there and apparently she was the social director according to the volunteers. I also am afraid she will scratch at the door knowing he is on the other side and that will be terrible for her as well as torture for me. I donāt restrict my cat from anything.
- Give up having my own cat and deal with it. Well, after reading the novella above NOW you know why this is the choice that makes me shiver in sadness. Iām so used to having a dedicated, loyal child in original Kitty that I just canāt fathom Kitty Too just being a house cat or my momās cat 98% of the time. Iāll only see her in passing. Itās like the cats we had with our college roommates except us roommates did not care whose cat it was, they just like being entertained. Litter Box duty is 100% mine, as I demand (mom does not have the arm strength or balance), but out of all the caregiver stuff I will be doing, this one will irk me every time.
So there you have it. I donāt mind being mocked, trolled, or even being ignored. I just hope there is one or two that take the time to read it and give me a sentence or two replies. I absolutely donāt know what to do, but think I have to decide soon.
Sorry for the length!!