Previous owner requesting weekly updates!

[Jessiep25]

Hi all, I have a bit of an odd situation regarding Sky's previous owner that'd I'd appreciate some advice on.

A bit of background, I put up adverts on some classifieds sites here in the country I live saying that I wanted to give a cat a new home whilst I was looking in shelters also. She got in touch with me and explained that her 16 week old kitten was getting bullied by the family dog, she would hide from their rowdy toddlers and that they wanted to re home her ASAP (I ended up driving to pick her up 24 hours later!) .

When we were discussing me taking her she asked if I would keep her updated on her progress, and I asked how often she would like updates/pictures to which she said 'whenever you would like' .

For the first few days she wanted to know how Sky was doing pretty frequently and I was fine with letting her know how things were going, I know it was tough for her to let Sky find a better life in a new home and it made me feel good about the fact that Sky came from a place that cared about her.

The requests for pictures/updates went from every day in the beginning, to every few days and eventually once a week.

It's been 6 weeks now and she is still asking for updates each week.

One day last week she sent me a message asking how things were at 10pm and I was busy so figured I'd just reply in the morning, next day I woke up to a couple of messages sent about an hour later asking why I had stopped responding to her.

I usually simply respond with some variation on 'all good' and a picture if she then asks for one.

It's starting to make me a little uncomfortable, Sky is very much my cat (I love her to bits) and I worry that this may continue for a really long time. I agreed to send updates on my schedule but I never expected to be receiving a request for an update every single week (I thought maybe I would volunteer a picture/short update once a month in the beginning and eventually peetering out to once a year) and I'm not sure how to go about starting this conversation.

I want to be sensitive to her feelings but also put my foot down a little. Perhaps I'm over reacting a little and this will sort itself out - I very much don't like confrontation!

Thanks in advance!

 

[sivyaleah]

Very odd indeed.
Is this through texts on your phone? Block the number
Emails. Mark as spam.
You are under no obligation to continue giving updates. She gave the cat up. She's yours. She's making you obviously uncomfortable.
End of story.

 

[fionasmom]

Is she just a nuisance or are you concerned about this going further.....like she will want to visit in person or want to "re-adopt" the cat if the dog were to settle down?

If she is being a pain and you don't want to just tell her that the cat now has a very good home and we all need to move on, I would try for the idea of sending a monthly update. That should allow you to just fade into the sunset after a couple of months.

I do think that you need to resolve this so that this woman is not part of your life though. There is an element of oddness about it which suggests that she could become irritating.

 

[Jessiep25]

Very odd indeed.
Is this through texts on your phone? Block the number
Emails. Mark as spam.
You are under no obligation to continue giving updates. She gave the cat up. She's yours. She's making you obviously uncomfortable.
End of story.

Thanks for the quick response, yeah it's through WhatsApp.

Where I live it's very common to sign short hand written 'protection contracts' privately like you would from a shelter and in there was a sentence that I would send updates, and honestly I really wouldn't mind sending them every so often.

But perhaps you're right, a clean break is probably for the best in this circumstance

 

[game misconduct]

nothing wrong with setting your boundaries just gotta let her know your more than happy to send updates about the kitten ON YOUR TIME NOT HERS its your kitten now she could have trained her dogs and kids to leave the kitten alone with some effort ,time and patience it could have been done congrats on your new kitten

 

[Jessiep25]

Is she just a nuisance or are you concerned about this going further.....like she will want to visit in person or want to "re-adopt" the cat if the dog were to settle down?

If she is being a pain and you don't want to just tell her that the cat now has a very good home and we all need to move on, I would try for the idea of sending a monthly update. That should allow you to just fade into the sunset after a couple of months.

I do think that you need to resolve this so that this woman is not part of your life though. There is an element of oddness about it which suggests that she could become irritating.

I don't think it would go further, its more of an annoyance than truly concerning. She sent me a message this evening and I think I'll write a measured response tomorrow morning that since its been 6 weeks now I don't think weekly updates are necessary and I will send her updates each month.

And if she puts up a fuss at that then it would be a clean break

 

[Jessiep25]

nothing wrong with setting your boundaries just gotta let her know your more than happy to send updates about the kitten ON YOUR TIME NOT HERS its your kitten now she could have trained her dogs and kids to leave the kitten alone with some effort ,time and patience it could have been done congrats on your new kitten

Agreed, thankfully between work, the pandemic and a new kitten I'm pretty busy so it doesn't really bother me other than annoying me when I see the notification coming up!
And yes, I don't doubt that all those elements can peacefully Co exist, although I think Sky is greatful to have a bit of peace and quiet in my apartment, it was an adjustment for the both of us for sure but she's settled in really well now!

 

[T.O.]

I have gave up a cat to a friend. And yeah in the beginning I wanted to know if he was transitioning well, but after awhile I left it up to her when she wanted to tell me how he was.
I gave up my rights to him. That includes knowing how he is.
You do not owe this woman anymore of your time.

 

[game misconduct]

not much on hs part i think thats a relaxed comfy kitten snoozing away

 

[sivyaleah]

Thanks for the quick response, yeah it's through WhatsApp.

Where I live it's very common to sign short hand written 'protection contracts' privately like you would from a shelter and in there was a sentence that I would send updates, and honestly I really wouldn't mind sending them every so often.

But perhaps you're right, a clean break is probably for the best in this circumstance

Sending an update now and then is certainly ok but this sounds like she's badgering you. Frankly if it were me, I'd try telling her you'll send one monthly update and prefer not to be contacted in between. Your "contract" (which is not legally binding I'm sure) does not say she can interrupt your life whenever she's feeling like she wants to see the kitten. Sending messages at 10:00pm to someone you don't know takes some nerve.
If she won't back off, then block her. But that's me (actually me is blocking her now LOL)

 

[fionasmom]

That kitty certainly looks happy to have seen the back of that dog and the rowdy kids!

I agree, go for monthly and then break it off.

 

[gilmargl]

Putting it politely, she sounds like a rather insecure person who doesn't know her own mind. Sky is too much work for her, she finds a new home for her problem kitty, and now she needs reassurance that she's made the right decision. There should never be an obligation for you to provide weekly or even monthly updates. Information and photos exchanged during the first few weeks in Sky's new home is fine and the least you can do. But, 6 weeks is long enough for a previous owner to see that things are going very well for her unwanted pet.

If there was no written contract when you picked up Sky, she may be worried that you are going to sell Sky, give her away, use her for medical experiments, or something equally dreadful. Some people only start "thinking" when it's too late anyway. If you think this may be the reason for her insistance on regular bulletins, perhaps you could write a short contract in which you promise "not to sell or rehome Sky without consulting her first".

I am always happy to hear from the people who adopted the cats and kittens I was fostering. But, most of them only send me messages and photos at Christmas or when something interesting or tragic occurs. If they all contacted me even once a month, I would not be so amused!

However, whatever you do, don't let this woman spoil your pleasure. She cannot demand information and photos from you. Just send her updates when you feel like sharing information with her.

 

[susanm9006]

I would preemptively send her a short note saying you will be very tied up in the coming months and may not be able to get back to her until things settle down. Then ignore her messages for a couple months.

 

[Jessiep25]

Hi all, thanks for your responses!

We did have a (hand) written contract basically just saying that I would be responsible for all her medical care (she hadn't been to the vet at all and wasn't vaccinated, chipped, de-wormed or spayed) and that I wouldn't pass her around and just sell her on. In addition the line saying I would send 'occasional' updates. But agreed, there's no way it was a legally binding contract! It was written in German and all our communication has been with me google translating everything she says - but I did get my German friend who drove me to pick up Sky to read through it before I signed since I just wanted to check I wasn't agreeing to anything ridiculous.

In general she seemed overwhelmed with 4 young kids and a small dog at home and I agree that she was probably quite insecure about the situation.

I'm very glad that I was able to get Sky out of the situation and now she's fully vaccinated and de wormed and will be chipped/spayed in one go next week! She is definitely settled in now, we're working on the whole 'muuuuum why won't you play with me at 6am' thing at the moment!

I have decided that I will delay responding to the request for an update that I received last night for a few days, until after the weekend and when I do I will just send a short message to basically ask her to back off and that now we will do things on my terms as we previously agreed - getting help from my german friend again since I really don't want there to be any room for interpretation!!

Thanks all for helping me not feel like I'm overreacting feeling a little weirded out!

 

[misty8723]

Maybe she is just wanting to make certain she did the right thing for Sky? Maybe feeling a little guilty? We had to return a cat we had we had adopted from a rescue shelter because she was bullying our other cat to the point he was hiding in the closet and wouldn't come out. While I don't feel guilty because they are a great rescue and took her back and even allowed us to adopt another who worked out great until we lost her to FIP. My point is, I would really love for someone to let me know how our returned kitty is making out. They told us the guy who adopted her said she was the perfect cat .. I really would like to know she's okay. She was sweet to us, just not to Swanie. That said, weeky requests is a little too invasive in my opinion.

 

[Jessiep25]

Hi all,

Just to give you an update!

After I didn't respond to her last request for one day, I received a second message simply with a bunch of question marks. At this point I recruited my German friend to help me write a succinct and to the point message to get my point across. Essentially it said 'I hope that after 6 weeks of frequent updates, I have reassured you that she is happy and settled at home with me. I will be happy to send updates from time to time as agreed'. To which she responded, 'okay great do you have more pictures. Like 5 or 6 pictures to send me'.

That gave me the impression that she hadn't really understood my point and that if I didn't nip it in the bud soon that I would be dealing with this frequently for a while...

So my next message was along the lines of 'I understand that you miss her and I don't want to hurt your feelings. I'm happy to send you pictures occasionally, but once a week is too much for me. Please understand.' her response was simply 'Okay'. Given she seemed mostly interested in pictures rather than descriptive updates from me I wonder if she was embarrassed about having given up the cat and was trying to maintain the impression to friends and family that she still owned the cat. I do hope that she feels reassured that I love the little fluff ball with all my heart, I just also thought that her requests for pictures every week were far too frequent and I would never have agreed to them being that often!

I hope now that this is somewhat resolved now, I plan to send her a picture and an update in like 10-14 days and then I'll do it in a month and just wean her off that way!

Thanks to the community for all your help as always

 

[gilmargl]

Just wondering where she found Sky in the first place. Perhaps you are right - she had a contract (written or verbal) and needs to convince someone that Sky is still living with her. Who knows? But, I'm sure things will calm down soon. There are so few cats available to buy for a reasonable price in Germany at the moment. Shelters are empty except for FIV positive and very timid cats and people are trying to make a quick fortune by selling their pets at exorbitant prices or breeding their young females. It's not a good situation for animals - when lockdown is over and people want to travel there will again be too many unwanted cats, kittens and dogs. Sky is a very lucky cat to have you!

 

[Jessiep25]

Just wondering where she found Sky in the first place. Perhaps you are right - she had a contract (written or verbal) and needs to convince someone that Sky is still living with her. Who knows? But, I'm sure things will calm down soon. There are so few cats available to buy for a reasonable price in Germany at the moment. Shelters are empty except for FIV positive and very timid cats and people are trying to make a quick fortune by selling their pets at exorbitant prices or breeding their young females. It's not a good situation for animals - when lockdown is over and people want to travel there will again be too many unwanted cats, kittens and dogs. Sky is a very lucky cat to have you!

I'm also based in NRW!!
Agreed, she said that the litter was from a friend of hers, but there is of course no way for me to verify that! I had been in contact with the local shelter for months, I'd get in contact with them every time they had an indoor cat available, and even went to see a couple of very old ones, but they had so few and those I went to see it turns out were completely unsuitable for me as a first time cat owner who (after lockdown) works full time (mostly feral, incredibly shy, long list of medications e.t.c). But eventually the shelter told me that my chances were very very slim for getting a cat through them since they have very few indoor cats that came in.

The amount of cats/kittens I see on ebay-kleinanzeigen for ridiculous prices is high, but I also see people posting looking for cats for as low as 50e - so it's a real mixed bag out there. That is where I found Sky, I had posted saying I was looking to give a cat a home and her previous owner got in touch with me. But the 'Nominal fee' I paid for her also included a lot of supplies (cat tree, litter box, litter, food, carry cage e.t.c - although all duplicates of things i already had) and it very much seemed like her owner really wanted to find an actual good home for her - rather than being concerned about the money (thankfully).

 

[MoochNNoodles]

I think you worded that very nicely. I hope she “weans” well. That does sound like a good/kind way to handle it to me.

 

[strider rose]

if it were me id not have told her nothing . its your baby not hers/his and they gave up rights to the cat