Post Your Best "groaner" Joke

[BellaGooch]

A high school student was taking his date to prom. Before he picked her up, he waited and waited and waited in line for a suit. Then he had to buy the corsage, so he waited and waited and waited in line and finally got it. Then, he had to drive to her house, so he waited and waited and waited in the long line of traffic. Once they got there, they waited and waited and waited in a line to get food. “I’ll get some punch,” he told his date. So he went to the punch table and there was no punchline.

 

[doomsdave]

Marlon Brando, who co-starred with Frank Sinatra, couldn't sing well.

He memorably said:

"I couldn't hit a note with a baseball bat."

Hee hee hee.

 

[Jem]

I saw this online and although these aren't jokes. They are certainly "groaners"...

*****************************************************************************************************************************************

I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING!!!
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Jem]

 

[doomsdave]

I saw this online and although these aren't jokes. They are certainly "groaners"...

*****************************************************************************************************************************************

I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING!!!
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

What’s 500 attorneys at the bottom of the sea?

A good start!

 

[NY cat man]

What’s 500 attorneys at the bottom of the sea?

A good start!

Well, as Shakespeare wrote in Henry VI, "The first thing we'll do is kill all the lawyers".

 

[FLAMER3467]

Two wolves were eating a clown. One says to the other," does this taste funny to you?"

 

[Talien]

What did the Farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Spoiler

Anyone seen my tractor?

 

[Willowy]

What did the Farmer say when he lost his tractor?

To really sell that joke, you need a tiny little child with a Southern accent to say

Spoiler

"where's mah TRACKtor?"

I have discovered the anti-joke chicken. I like this chicken.

 

[Jem]

It used to be that we would cough to cover up a fart....now it seems we have to fart to cover up a cough!

 

[Jem]

I was going to post a joke about sodium...but then was like, Na...nobody will get it....

 

[Katie M]

How does an astronaut get ready for their day?

They planet!

 

[debbila]

Where does the Lone Ranger take his trash?

Ta- da- dump- ta- da- dump- ta- da- dump- dump-dump

 

[Jem]

Saw this post online...thought I'd share

 

[Caspers Human]

"Silly rabbi, Trix are for kids!"

A rabbi goes to a remote, tropical island populated by munchkin people called Trids. All the Trids do, all day long, is run up the side of a mountain where a giant ogre waited at the top. When a Trid gets to the top of the mountain, the ogre kicks them, causing them to roll back down the mountain. They get back up, dust themselves off and run up the mountain again, only to be kicked back down by the ogre.

The rabbi tries to talk to the little people, hoping to spread the word of God but, all day and all night, they only run up the mountain. They don't even seem to want to talk. Finally, in desperation, the rabbi decides that, if he wants to make a connection with the little people, he's got to do the same. "When in Rome...," he thought.

The rabbi runs up the mountain but, when he gets to the top, the ogre grabs him and beats him to a pulp then throws him back down the hill. The rabbi lays at the bottom of the hill, scratched up and beaten when one of the little people comes along, looks at him and says...

Spoiler

Silly rabbi! Kicks are for Trids!

 

[doomsdave]

A rabbi goes to a remote, tropical island populated by munchkin people called Trids. All the Trids do, all day long, is run up the side of a mountain where a giant ogre waited at the top. When a Trid gets to the top of the mountain, the ogre kicks them, causing them to roll back down the mountain. They get back up, dust themselves off and run up the mountain again, only to be kicked back down by the ogre.

The rabbi tries to talk to the little people, hoping to spread the word of God but, all day and all night, they only run up the mountain. They don't even seem to want to talk. Finally, in desperation, the rabbi decides that, if he wants to make a connection with the little people, he's got to do the same. "When in Rome...," he thought.

The rabbi runs up the mountain but, when he gets to the top, the ogre grabs him and beats him to a pulp then throws him back down the hill. The rabbi lays at the bottom of the hill, scratched up and beaten when one of the little people comes along, looks at him and says...

Spoiler

Silly rabbi! Kicks are for Trids!

Sounds like an ad for tennis shoes . . . .

 

[doomsdave]

Hmmm.

 

[doomsdave]

I was going to post a joke about sodium...but then was like, Na...nobody will get it....

Oxygen and Magnesium are getting married.

OMG!

 

[Willowy]

This is long, but because of the number of Vikes fans here, it's one of my favorites. Plus if you tell it in person you can do the Minn-eh-soh-tah accents, lol.

One day, Satan was walking through Hell, making sure the souls were properly tormented, until he came upon an unusual sight. Sitting next to a lava pool were Ole and Sven, decked out in parkas, hats, boots and gloves.

Confused, Satan walks up to them and asks them why they're dressed for winter in Hell.

Ole says, "Vell yah know, ve're from Minnesota, a land of ice and snow and cold. Ve're just happy to finally be varm for a change."

Satan tries to reply, but can't think of anything, and so walks away scratching his head. Finally he gets an idea. So they want to be warm, do they? He goes over to Hell's thermostat and turns the dial up a few notches. "That'll show those Minnesotans," Satan said with a smile.

The next day, hell was experiencing a heat wave, and the screams of the tormented were even louder. Music to Satan's ears. As he's wandering through on his daily round, he again comes upon Ole and Sven, who are now sitting with their gloves off and parkas unzipped. Satan is flabbergasted, and asks them why they're still wearing their winter gear.

"Vell," Sven says, "ve're still a bit chilly, but dis here heat vave is nice, yah know. Gonna be a good summer in Hell dis year, yah?"

Satan throws up his hands and leaves. I'll show 'em this time, he thinks. He heads back to Hell's thermostat, and rips the cover off of it. After tweaking a couple wires, he cranks the dial as high as it'll go. "That'll fix 'em", he said confidently.

The next day, Hell is blazing. Even Satan himself is sweating waterfalls as he seeks out Ole and Sven to witness their suffering. He finally finds them and is shocked by what he sees. Next to a lava pool, Ole and Sven are wearing jeans and t-shirts, standing next to an open grill and laughing as they drink beers.

"What the hell are you doing??!" Satan cries as he walks up to them.

Ole notices him and says, "Vell, ven da veather gets varn like dis, you gotta have a fish fry. Can't let nice days like dis go to vaste, don'cha know."

"Gahh!" Satan screams as he pulls on his horns and storms away. There's gotta be a way to get them, he thinks, but what? Then he remembers what Ole said about where they were from. Maybe I've been approaching their torment wrong, Satan thinks with a smile. He goes back to Hell's thermostat, and this time, cranks the dial as low as it'll go. I've got them this time, Satan thinks.

The next day, Hell is coated in ice. The lava pools have frozen over, gigantic icicles hang from the ceiling, and the tormented souls are shivering too much to cry in pain. Even the demons are visibly uncomfortable.

Satan skips with glee through Hell, intent on finding the Minnesotans and finally seeing them suffer. He finally finds them, and just stops. Before him, Ole and Sven are back in their winter gear, but they're dancing around and cheering.

Satan finally snaps. "First you love the heat, and now you love the cold?" he said. "What is wrong with you Minnesotans??"

Sven stops cheering long enough to say, "Don'cha know? Hell froze over! Dat means da Vikings von da Superbowl!"

 

[cayz]

My grandfather passed away, calmly, in his sleep, at the age of 67

Spoiler

Unlike the passengers on his bus, who died screaming and shouting as they went over the cliff.