Post Your Best "groaner" Joke

[Mother Dragon]

THE TWELVE THANK YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS: AGNES TO JOHN

Loosely Based On The Twelve Days of Christmas​

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes


December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes


Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.

Love Agnes


December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes


December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes


December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes


December 20th

John:

What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those birds.

Sincerely, Agnes


December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me. .

Ag


December 22nd

Hey:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.

From Ag


December 23rd

You Creep!

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police on you.

One who means it, Ag


December 24th

Listen Idiot:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister


December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

-Merry Christmas

 

[doomsdave]

Here's one so customized and tailor-made for this site I hadda scream, so I did.

 

[Jemima Lucca]

Did you know that baseball was not just an American game and that it actually began in ancient times? In fact it’s mentioned in the book of genesis in the Bible!
Genesis 1:1 says “in the big-inning”

 

[FeralHearts]

Did you hear, Oxygen and Magnesium got together?

OMg!

-----

I told a chemistry joke...

There was no reaction.

 

[Jemima Lucca]

Did you hear, Oxygen and Magnesium got together?

OMg!

-----

I told a chemistry joke...

There was no reaction.

 

[Mother Dragon]

Wrapping Presents with a Cat

Clear large space on table for wrapping present. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door. Open door and remove cat from closet. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper. Go back and remove cat from cupboard. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. . . Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string. Remove present from bag. Remove cat from bag. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in. Place present on paper. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper. Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper. Put present in box, and tie down with string. Remove string, open box and remove cat. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door) Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best) Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat. Go to store and buy a gift bag

 

[Texaskitty]

How much does Santa pay to park his sled?

Nothing, it's On The House!

 

[Mother Dragon]

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to cats?
Santa Paws!

How you can tell that Santa is real?
You can always sense his presents!

What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!

What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?
Santa going through a revolving door!

What's Santa's favorite type of music?
Wrap!

What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate clauses!

What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less!

Why is Santa so good at karate?
Because he has a black belt!

Who is Santa Claus married to?
Mary Christmas!

Who is Santa's least favorite reindeer?
Rude-olph!

How long do a reindeers legs have to be?
Long enough so they can touch the ground!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!

What do elves post on Social Media?
Elf-ies!

Where do Santa's reindeer stop for coffee?
Star-bucks

 

[Mother Dragon]

My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.

My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are.

My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.

To kick start my New Year: I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

It's officially New Year's Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve? He got 12 months!

 

[doomsdave]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi, sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train."
"Yes, I know, it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss,"
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any
longer.

 

[doomsdave]

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender turns to him and says, "Sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."

The next day, clinging to a thread, the string returns to that same bar and orders a drink again.

The bartender, resolute, again turns and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but like I said, we don't serve strings here.
I'm going to have to ask you not to return."

Dejected, the string returns home.
All night he tosses and turns, wriggles and writhes, and awakes the next morning not at all resembling himself.

Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he brightens and jets out his door to that bar.

Swaggering in, he orders a drink one more time.

The bartender stares at him, squinty eyed, and asks, "I'm sorry, are you a string? You look very familiar."

The string locks eyes with the bartender, and states, "No, sir. I'm a frayed knot."

 

[tabbytom]

What do you call a chicken that cross the road, roll in the mud and cross back again?

A dirty double crosser.

 

[doomsdave]

LORDY LORDY JUST GROAN,

Oh, the Devil done got into me!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and stood in an open-air lobby and were standing in the lobby gloating over their recent tournament victories.

After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"

 

[NY cat man]

Little Willie was a chemist
Little Willie is no more
'Cause what he thought was H2O
Was really H2SO4

 

[doomsdave]

Translation: Good husband, good father, bad home electrician.

 

[doomsdave]

Wienermobile gets pulled over, and fans relish the jokes

"Meat company Oscar Mayer owns six 27-foot-long Wienermobiles, and apparently one of them got burned. When the sheriff shared the photo of the pulled-over hot dogger, fans couldn't wait to serve up a pun. Here are the five best we saw."

1. "Thanks for helping us catsup on these laws; I really relish these kind of posts." --Scott Ehlke on Facebook
2. "I guess the weinermobile driver just couldn't cut the mustard that day." --Ralph Redlin on Facebook
3. "It's Wisconsin. The Weinermobile is the equivalent of the Queen's glass coach there." --Karendipitee on Twitter
4. "Don't drive like a hot dog." --K Mad on Twitter
5. "Shoulda been a misdeweiner, just sayin'." --Patricia Saavedra on Facebook

 

[doomsdave]

What happens when the smog lifts in Southern California?

UCLA

 

[Katie M]

I can't remember if I posted this one before or not. I came up with it myself.

Charles Darwin walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a long wait, he yells, "Where is my drink?! It's not going to make itself!"

 

[doomsdave]

 

[doomsdave]

The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93 year old Morton was dating again.
One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night.
It was during breakfast, that Morton finally remembered what it was.

He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldn’t seem to remember.
Morton picked up the phone and dialed.
“Hi Greta”, said Morton, “I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?”

“Oh my gosh” gushed Greta, “I’m so glad you called,

I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldn’t recall who it was!”