Please tell me it gets better

[kitkat008]

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• kitkat008
• Oct 15, 2015

I've just recently lost my cat of ten years a day after my birthday. She died last October 9th. She got killed by a stray dog who managed to sneak into our property. I'm so devastated by the loss because this cat grew up with me. We were inseparable. I can't stop crying. I'm even crying now as I write this. I wasn't prepared for it. It was too sudden and I just feel so confused. Sometimes I find myself wishing it's just a bad dream and that when I wake up, she's gonna be there beside me again like nothing's happened, purring away all my fears, licking away to reassure me that she's right there. But she's not. I feel so guilty.if only I was there when it happened. If only I was there to protect her...if only...seeing her in that state, all broken and dead just....ugh...
Someone please tell me this gets better in time. Cause I can't handle this. My family is no help because they think I'm silly for crying for her. I have no one to talk to about it and sometimes I even think of ending it once and for all. I've just recently adopted an abused kitty but I don't want to make it as a mere replacement to my first cat. I want to really love her as she is and not as a cover up for the pain. I hope someday I can genuinely do that.

 

[momofmaxwell]

I'm very sorry about your kitty.It is true we do wish we can wake up from this very bad dream.I have wished that many times.What I can tell you is you will have the what if's the guilt,sorrow,anger ,every emotion & then some.Time is the only thing that may help your pain subside.There will always be a huge wound there in your heart.Always and there is no replacement kitty.Every kitty being so different from the next.But you are an animal lover & can offer love ,devotion,compassion,good fudz etc.That will help you heal.As for how long it takes.Good question.I have 11 urns and have had 17 cats in my life.I am alone now.Only for health reasons do I not bring a new kitty into my life.I trap ferals (TNR) & have had many opportunities with kittens of all ages.But know in the back of my mind I always promised to take care of them all the days their life.If something were to happen to worsen my health who would take care of him/her? I trust no one.But for you you have your whole life ahead of you & can offer love & companionship to a new baby.That will never replace the one you lost.But I'm sure at the Bridge your baby is looking down and saying" Momma I don't want you to be lonely" "be happy bring a new kitty into your life & love it like you loved me" We will meet again when  it is your time``.I live one day at a time..Sometimes it is one hour.Sending you peace knowing you loved your kitty & this was not your fault.Strength to forge forward & love again.Hugs C.

 

[Loving Mickey]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can how devastating the pain can be. Believe me, I know. I lost my cat of 13 years about a year ago to cancer. Yes, he was very ill but I still blamed myself and still do. I think we all do that. We feel that we should have been able to save our babies and that somehow their death is our fault. It isn't. I didn't make my Mickey ill and you didn't bring that dog on your property. I truly wish I could make your pain go away. Hopefully time will. Your new kitty will surely help. No he is not meant to replace your other kitty and he won't. He needs you though and that is what will help you. He needs you and you need him just as much. You will love him for himself. Don't worry about that.
As for me, I have adopted 2 new kitties since my Mickey's passing. I just had to, as I was so lonely without my Mickey. No my new cats can never replace Mickey as he was too special. They are special too though and I love them both so much. I still miss my Mickey and cry over his loss. I know now that I always will but that is okay.
You can cry and miss your previous kitty and still love your new one. Your other kitty would be happy that you are now helping this new kitty.
In fact, I am sure he would be proud of you.
Please take care!
I hope I have helped, even just a little!

 

[mollyblue]

I'm sorry for what you are going through... It really sucks to lose a cat like that.  I am glad you are helping this new abused kitty and I hope the two of you have many happy years together.

First, let me say.  When you love someone, you never truly lose them.  When they die, they take a piece of you with them, and a piece of them stays with you.  Its what keeps us whole. (not an original quote, just don't know who said it first).  There is no purpose in allowing yourself to still feel guilty and sadness, or for these feelings to steal your current.  In dealing with grief, you must forgive yourself.  I am sure your cat had many moments growing up with that were both good, and the not so good... If you were a normal little girl, I bet the cat cried with you when you were sad, laughed with you when you were happy, and was always waiting for you when you were out busy with other friends, family or school.  Such a big part of our lives, and so easily taken for granted.  But our cats love us inspite of our imperfections... and we love them, and thats really the best we can hope for.  Loving someone doesn't mean you do everything right... it means you forgive them when they are doing the best they can.  Your kitty wouldn't want you to be sad for so long... she is free of pain now, and you just have to remember the good times and release yourself from the painful memories of her tragic end.  Maybe you could write her a letter telling her everything you wish she knew... how sorry you are you were not there when she was getting attacked, how much she meant to you growing up, how much you loved her and love her still. I don't know if you still have a blanket or collar of hers, or a lock of fur, but you could always make a little memorial box so you dont worry that your thoughts or feelings of her will diminsh or that her memory will become unimportant.  She will ALWAYS matter to you.  But, and animals know this so much better than humans, life is for the living... we can't live our lives looking back, we must march forward until we come full circle and meet again...

 

[di and bob]

I am going through the same emotions as you, I walked across the street and did not know my little one was behind me.......the guilt and sick feelings are horrendous and never ending. The only thing I can tell you is that it was a horrible situation that you in no way had control over, and things that are not under your control are in no way something that is your fault. The guilt and suffering will be there because they always are, they are a part of the grieving process, and time is the only thing that softens the edges. We all have trouble dealing with the fact that terrible things happen to those who are innocent, we need to blame and find fault, and anger and guilt are so much easier then gut wrenching grief. I truly can't assure you that the pain gets better with time, but it does get to a point that you accept it and learn to live with it. You are holding your precious baby in your heart, you two had a bond that even death cannot erase, so I know she is there. You do not want that place to be full of sorrow and hurt. She needs you to be happy again so her place is happy and full of light too.

 There is no going back and changing the past, no matter how much we would like to, our world is changed and we are changed, and we have to make ourselves find joy again as our little ones would want for us. We would want the same for them if we went first.  Please know you are not alone, my heart cries for you. Let that new baby distract you from your pain, you are not replacing a love, you are extending the love from the legacy your first love left you, there is no greater gift you could give her, then to pass on her legacy of love to another. She would never want you to be so unhappy, know she will wait patiently in your loving heart and precious memories until one day you will once again be reunited. RIP little girl, please comfort your loved one who misses you so very much! 

 

[kntrygrl256]

I am so sorry for your loss. You found the perfect place to talk about the loss of your precious cat. So many people, even family members, don't understand the pain we feel with the loss of our fur-babies. The pain is sometimes excruciating and you can't see a way through, but what I have found to help is to realize that you gave your girl a piece of your heart and she will use it to find you when you meet again.

I lost my boy, Ghost (profile picture), a few months ago and found him on the side of the road two weeks after he got out. I still hurt at the loss of my precious boy and miss him everyday, even cry because I still love him so much. It will get easier to deal with as each day passes. I also understand about your new little girl. It's hard to love another so soon after the loss of one, but as each day goes by, you will see her in a different light. I believe our cats that have crossed the Rainbow Bridge sends us another one to help heal our heart. I know Ghost did with me when I didn't even want to love the other two in my house after he passed, so he brought me my precious Zander and she was the one who healed my heart.

There will always be a piece missing (the piece I gave Ghost to find me again) but I know where it is and he will be back with me one day. The same will be with you. Your heart will heal but there will always be a piece missing but she took it across the Rainbow Bridge with her so she can find her way back to you.

 

[macha 143]

I am so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you. It's very sad what happened to your beloved baby.

Please take care, it would take sometime to heal but it will get better.

Rest in peace dear kitty....

 

[cataan]

Well, I suppose it gets... becomes different.  I still feel sadness and have thought about my Back every single day for nearly 1-1/2 years now (can't believe it's been that long).  Maybe the way I would say it is that it doesn't get better, rather, it becomes something you accept.  You accept the death, you accept the grief, you accept the loss -- you still feel the grief and the loss, but you are not debilitated by it.  A portion of your heart walls itself off from everyone else and, in its emptiness, is dedicated to your feline friend.

Of course, it depends on the circumstances of the death.  I had to euthanize Flash in 2010 because he was dying and there was no hope of recovery -- he had cardiomyopathy and, after 16 months of medication, had progressed to the point where the meds couldn't help him anymore.  He was either going to die quickly or die in agony (i.e. drowning in his own plasma).  It killed me to kill him but not doing it would have been cruel.  He looked so sad, tired, forlorn -- he knew he was dying.  I grieved for a year but, although I miss Flash, I know that neither he nor anyone else will live forever, and he lived nearly 15 years and had a full life.

Back was different in that I caused the cardiac arrest that killed him.  It was not intentional, I was trying to help him.  However, but for my actions the evidence indicates that he would not have died.  Even the vet said there were no signs of heart disease at all.  She had no idea why he died.

In your case, a stray dog trespassed onto your property.  It was not your dog and you didn't kill your cat.  It seems similar to if your cat had been hit by a car -- it's part of the danger of being an outdoor cat.  It's a balance -- many cats enjoy being able to go outside, but along with that there are risks.  My cats are never allowed outside as there are not just cars around but also foxes on occasion.

A few months after Back died I adopted a cat hoping to do a good deed to make up for Back's death.  Sometimes I feel very close to this cat, other times I wish I could trade him for Back.  But Back's death is not his fault and he doesn't even know Back existed -- what he knows is that we are friends and what I know is that by adopting him I prevented another death.  Sometimes doing a good deed isn't easy -- that makes it even that much more meaningful.

I can relate to others not understanding how you feel.  It's just a cat.  Blah, blah, blah.  No, it wasn't just a cat, it was your best friend.  Many people do not understand the connection you can develop with a cat -- they really are loving friends once they bond with you.  Believe me I understand how you feel.  When I try to explain how and why Back and I were so close, why he was my best friend, people cannot believe what I tell them.  You should not let their naivete get you down.  And certainly you should not end your life -- you have someone to take care of who will die if you do not.  Not to be morbid, but one day you will die -- just as everyone else on this planet will die.  Take advantage of the time you have on this planet because in the grand scheme of the universe it is barely any time at all.  Being kind to other cats, giving them happiness, saving their lives... as you know a lot of people wouldn't even think of doing that.  Are you better than them because you do?  Yes, in fact you are.

 

[stewball]

I had to send my lotto to RB 2 years 5 months ago.
Although I have two otats I still think of him and have a little weep. He was so lovely. But life does go on.
I'd suggest another kitty soon. You could give a cat in need a good home. It won't take the place of your beloved kitty but will help to fill part of the hole.

 

[kitkat008]

Thanks so much to everyone who cared enough to share their experiences to try and offer some comfort.I never realized how much talking it out with people, who genuinely understand and relate to you, can be so comforting. I at least know now that what I'm going through is not something I should feel ashamed about. After all, I know I'm not the only one who've gone through this. I'm still hurting but now with so much more hope that I'll get over it someday. It's still impossible for me to think about my kitty wihtout the sheer pain that comes along with it. It's still hard to watch videos and look at pictures I've taken of her. Thank you for making me feel secure and not alone. It's what I think I need right now. Sigh...I'll have to get through another sleepless night tonight. When I'm on the verge of sleep, the slightest sounds in the middle of the night wake me up and I scramble out of bed thinking she's come back to me and then comes the hard part, when I realize that it's never gonna happen. Sigh, but seriously guys, I will take your experiences as an inspiration to eventually move on from all of this. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

 

[nurseangel]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl.  You loved her so much and still do.  I hope things get better for you each day.  Bless you.

 

[hexiesfriend]

Yes it gets better and the hole in you heart will get a little smaller day by day. Give it a little time.

 

[Loving Mickey]

Hi kitkat008,
Just checking in to see how you are coping. I hope your pain is easing , even if just a little.
I know what you mean about being asleep, waking up looking for your kitty and then remembering that she is gone. Believe me, I know that pain.
Just hoping that the pain and tears will lessen with each new day and you start to remember your kitty with smiles, knowing how much you loved each other.
Take Care!!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Yes, Darlin, it does get better.  It doesn't go away, but with time it becomes blunter...not sharp and clawing.  And with even more time, there is so much sweet mixed in with the bitter.  Guilt when a cat dies as yours did may be natural, but this I know...If you could have stopped it, you would have.  You did not invite the dog onto the property.  There is no reason for guilt, so let go of that.  And to those who say, "but it was just a cat," those people  have stunted souls.  Grieve, but don't destroy yourself with it. 

I'll be thinking of you, and sending good thoughts your way.

 

[catconcern]

Hi there!

It does get better. It takes a long time and everyone is different. You suffered a brutal, horrific, shattering and shocking loss. It was so sudden and horrific it would mess so many people up. No doubt a big shock to your system.

I know how you feel. Not in the sense my cat was attacked but it was a kind of sudden loss to me and it ripped me to shreds. Like you I wanted to end it all. It was a terrible feeling that lasted a long time and changed my life, the way you are feeling. My boy was 15.5 years.

It took me about a year just to feel normal again and it still hurts now. I cried just a little while ago over my boy which led me on to this site now reading yours and others posts. Like you I got another cat to help comfort me and do something positive. In time you will form a relationship of your own with your new cat and no it's not a replacement but you needed to do it for so many reasons. My cat I have now ( I still have my other boy even though he's not on this earth he's always with me and always will be ) looks like your one.

You're going to hurt for a long while, an unbearable pain at times but yes it gets better. It's normal to feel what you are feeling. You loved your cat, your cat loved you and that love will always be there. It hurts to lose a loved one that was and is a massive part of your life. Your cat wouldn't want you to hurt yourself. No way. The way in which you lost your cat is tragic and is painful in itself not to mention she's gone and you grieve for her loss and yours.

You will form anew bond with your new kitty and in time get better. You will always think about your lost baby though. But it does get better.

Look up my thread about my cat and the pain I went through. You will know that me and you are very much alike.

Peace be to you.

 

[mary podgorny]

I'm kinda late to the thread, but I just want to echo what everyone else here is saying: your feelings of loss and devastation are appropriate, natural, and normal. Your tears are justified. You lost a member of your family, and just because (s)he had soft fur, walked on four feet instead of two, had like reallllly good night vision and a penchant for canned food, sleeping all day, and cardboard boxes, and meowed instead of saying words, doesn't mean that she's not or shouldn't be as important to you as any other member of your household and family. 

Please allow yourself to grieve properly over your loss. It's a process, and it's different for everyone, but there are some recognized general kind of processes people go through usually, and knowing them may help you at least to recognize what's going on with your emotions at times, and seemingly unconnected things might actually be linked to your mind trying to process your loss. 

Here are some resources, such as http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-pet-loss.htm  

and 

http://www.aspca.org/pet-care/pet-loss. The ASPCA also has a pet loss hotline anyone can call if needed: (877) GRIEF-10. (877-474-3310)

One of the things I kept thinking/saying a lot after my TC died in August was just, he's real. He's not just some random pet, he's, like, a real person to me. I just, it was so important to me that people understood how special he was, and how real he was to me as just, well, a trusted and loved friend, really. Who loved and trusted me also.  And sharing that, with people who understood (some personal friends in real life, just the ones I trusted though, and this website), helped somehow. It didn't take away the loss or the feelings of loss, but it... helped. A little bit. If you want to check out my tribute page, click on my username; I've only started two threads I think.

Anyhow, I don't know if any of that helped, but just wanted to add to the list of people who get it. 

 

[kitkat008]

Hi kitkat008,
Just checking in to see how you are coping. I hope your pain is easing , even if just a little.
I know what you mean about being asleep, waking up looking for your kitty and then remembering that she is gone. Believe me, I know that pain.
Just hoping that the pain and tears will lessen with each new day and you start to remember your kitty with smiles, knowing how much you loved each other.
Take Care!!

Hi there! Thanks for your concern! I'm grateful to know that at least someone out there is actually thinking about how I'm doing. Well, as you know, my family has already considered the issue closed and has moved on with their lives like nothing's happened and is still happening to me. I've decided to try with my hardest to cope. It's mentally, emotionally, and even physically painful whenever I try to take a step forward but the good thing is that my new kitty,the one I've taken in after my old cat died, has been giving me a lot of hope and surprisingly, even a few smiles. I never thought I could genuinely do that again to be honest. Watching her grow from being the frail sickly kitten she was to the healthy playful creature that she is now, gives me some joy. And then there's the support this site, and people like you, are giving me. Im very grateful for strangers like you who actually care and understand. I still haven't been able to sleep well but nothing good ol meds can't fix. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much.

 

[kntrygrl256]

@kitkat008  There is no time frame on getting over the loss of a loved one. In my opinion it's harder to get past the loss of a fur-baby than it is a human family member. We give so much of our life and heart to these precious creatures and always get so much in return. I still feel a loss from losing my precious Ghost several months ago and even though I feel like he sent my new baby, Zander, to me, it still hurts knowing I don't have my boy with me.

I still cry over my babies lost even years ago. I understand how human family members don't understand the loss, but you are at the best place to share your feelings, whether they are hurt or anger at the loss of your precious baby girl. We have all been through this at one time or another and I have found out that no matter if it's early morning or late at night there is always someone here to talk to. That's the best thing about having people from all around the world on here.

My thoughts are with you and if you need to talk or just vent please PM me or anyone here. 

 We are a family.

 

[gladys]

I really know how U feel. i lost my mom, two cats one suddenly from a a inherited disease called polycystic  kidney disease. He was a pure bred main coon kitty that was found on a busy saturday night highway in the year 2007. Did not any major signs of anything until it was in the end stage. Sadly he was only 8 years old. Our other kitty was 17 also from kidney disease,but we did not expect her to live for a lot longer. Mom was my best friend and she was ready to go , but it doesn't make it easier for us that are left behind. I do know however that they are safe and in God's care and we will be reunited with all of them one day and they are sooooo happy to be healthy and alive again . The author Niki Behrikis Shanahan has some great books out about God's creatures and what happens after they cross over. Hope this gives you some comfort. God Bless U .

 

[Mamanyt1953]

How are you holding up, Darlin'?  Glad new kitteh is helping you adjust a little.  No, they never take the place of the old friend, but they do help, and they make their own place.  Feel free to pm me any time you feel the need to talk.  I'm on here at least twice a day.