Pallina, The Cat Who Went To Belgium

[Antonio65]

Pallina, it's one year without you, one year without your beautiful face before my eyes, and still I can't come to term with this. I cry every day, and every time I say or think of your name.
I loved you beyond imagination, you were my sweet white furball.
And so many people loved you.

You left me at night, without me by your side, without me holding your paw or giving you comfort or help.
I was sleeping while you went to the Bridge, and I will never forgive myself for this, I will live the rest of my life with this unbearable guilt
I'm sorry...

Please, wait for me, sweet Pallina, and forgive me if you can

 

[di and bob]

There is nothing to forgive, Antonio. She left you while you were asleep because she chose to do so, to avoid the pain she knew would come to your heart by witnessing her death.
She was surrounded by your love, she was in the home she loved so very much, she did not want to go, she had to answer the call from something stronger then we will ever know.....
She was a soulmate, that is why you hurt so much. A piece of you died that day, and it will always hurt. Time will bring some relief as you learn to live with the pain, and one day you will find the piece of her own soul she left behind to bring you comfort. It is buried under the weight of your suffering.
A year is not long in grieving, it is but a anniversary, a painful reminder of your loss. Somehow, you must find a way to fill that emptiness you feel inside. Let joy replace those tears. It can only be done by loving once more. It is the only way to heal a broken soul. No, it will never be the same, it can't be. What you shared was unique and precious. It doesn't even have to be another little one, it can be the love for others through fostering or sharing your time, of saving a life. You can open your heart to life once more instead of dwelling in the sorrow of loss. But like learning to walk, it takes determination and and a will to do so.
Like me, you are consumed right now. I was so filled with so much sorrow for so many years. But it doesn't change anything, and eventually I just couldn't go on filled with so much pain. It was literally taking over my life. It was all I thought about, all I dreamed about. Then one day I said this was enough, I can't live with so much pain. There will always be loss and pain in your life, but it is life that counts. It is the only one given you and you have to make it worth living. Strive towards happiness. Find something that makes you happy and make it a part of your life. Don't push others away, let them in. They love you and want only the best for you. Just like Pallina. She sacrificed one more moment with you to spare you the pain of witnessing her death. Don't let that be in vain. Love her all the more for it and begin your journey back the world of the living. Start small,take baby steps and learn to live again by letting others back into your heart and finding the joy and beauty in life. One day at a time.......

 

[les26]

Pallina, it's one year without you, one year without your beautiful face before my eyes, and still I can't come to term with this. I cry every day, and every time I say or think of your name.
I loved you beyond imagination, you were my sweet white furball.
And so many people loved you.

You left me at night, without me by your side, without me holding your paw or giving you comfort or help.
I was sleeping while you went to the Bridge, and I will never forgive myself for this, I will live the rest of my life with this unbearable guilt
I'm sorry...

View attachment 295492
Please, wait for me, sweet Pallina, and forgive me if you can

 

[di and bob]

Antonio, if Pallina can forgive you of any guilt you are filling your soul with, how ever misguided, and I know she does so without hesitation because she was so pure, so good, so loved, you have to find it within to forgive yourself too.
I lived with that same guilt too, because I caused my little one's death. She forgave me because that was the way she was. I would give anything to go back and change that day, that hour, but you cannot change the past. She loved life so very much I chose to honor her by trying to be more like her. To live in the present and be hopeful for the future. To seek happiness and to live each second that I am alive as if it was my last. She woudl expect no less.......

 

[les26]

I wish that I could reach through the computer screen and put my arms around you and give you a hug, I know how your heart is broken and you are still aching, I understand the bond because I am the same way with my little Sylvester, and at times I know I am setting myself up for such heartache when his time is up but I can't help it, I just adore this little guy, plus he reminds me of Simon and Sebastian so I am just crazy in love with this little guy, and when his time comes I know I will be a wreck. I even thought the other day if I should get one that looks similar to him NOW in case something does happen to him , thinking it would "soften the blow" when he goes, but how crazy is that?! But my point is, we love them so so hard, some more than others, and when they go however they go it takes a HUGE part of us with them, but I don't see any way around it but we are making the choice to deal with it and I do enjoy him everyday. And heck I even posted on here how I am concerned about him (and the others but mostly him) when we go away for a few days later this month! We'll be fine, but it just upsets me already and we haven't even left yet!

But you are beating yourself up because you were not there at the time she passed, but as Di & Bob said perhaps she wanted it that way. My father in law passed away late December at home, he was ill, and my mother in law was with him the whole night but when she left the room is when he passed away, and MANY people said "he did it to spare you with having to deal with it", and I think she did that for you too. Either way is very hard, being there or not, but you are really being hard on yourself like I would do too so I understand, but there is NO WAY that she was or is or ever will be upset with you for that, she had a WONDERFUL life and loved you as much as you her, no regrets on either side, and she is fine now just fine, it is you who are hurting but she is saying "please don't blame yourself, I don't want to see you so upset; I miss you and love you everyday too but we WILL be together again one day and it will be WONDERFUL".....

Hang in there, I sure do understand, but please try to unlock the chains that you put on that are binding you and holding you down, it is normal to grieve even for years, but the chains and the weight that is holding you down you put on yourself and only you can remove them, I wish that I could help you with it but it is something that only you can do.

But you know we are ALL here for you in support!!!!

 

[jefferd18]

Antonio, I understand all too well. If I had a dime for every time that I hugged Jeff and told her how much I loved her, just before I let her out, I would be typing this from my own private. But the one night that I didn't hug her, or tell her that I loved her, was on the night she had to leave me- something that still haunts me.

But you know what a wise person once told me? He said we can't live each moment with our loved ones like it is going to be the last. We just simply can't go through life like that, my friend.

Cats are rare creatures and they belong to no one. I believe that’s why they find a special place and time when they pass. It’s their way of saying I did it on my terms and not someone else’s.

Pallina will always be there. Whether in a twitch of a tabby kitten’s tail, the sparkle in the green eyes of a grey cat, the tilt of the head of DSH or the smirk of a Siamese - Pallina will always be there. After all she hasn’t left you forever, she’s just left you for now

 

[Antonio65]

There is nothing to forgive, Antonio. She left you while you were asleep because she chose to do so, to avoid the pain she knew would come to your heart by witnessing her death.
....
She sacrificed one more moment with you to spare you the pain of witnessing her death. Don't let that be in vain.

Yes, di and bob , others have told me the same thing, that she wanted to spare me the excruciating pain of seeing her passing.
But I had never let a cat alone in that moment, never, and it seems to me that I treated Pallina a different way, a lesser way.
I still can't stand it

 

[Antonio65]

I even thought the other day if I should get one that looks similar to him NOW in case something does happen to him , thinking it would "soften the blow" when he goes, but how crazy is that?!

The other day I was thinking something similar too.
I was thinking that we should always have at least two cats at the time, overlapping cats, so when one of them leaves us, we still have the other ones. And as soon as we are left with a cat only, we should get another cat, while we still have one alive, so that the new cat won't arrive to a empty house, it would look too much like a total replacement.

But I had always thought that my cats would live forever. How crazy was that?!

 

[Antonio65]

Pallina will always be there. Whether in a twitch of a tabby kitten’s tail, the sparkle in the green eyes of a grey cat, the tilt of the head of DSH or the smirk of a Siamese - Pallina will always be there. After all she hasn’t left you forever, she’s just left you for now

Sometimes I wish that I could just be with her. And with Lola. Again.
I hope another world, where we can be together again, does exist.

 

[di and bob]

You have to remember that for them a thousand years is the blink of an eye. i'm sure there is something here on earth left for you to do. The special love of one more cat, the honoring of your little one's memory who left you by remembering their existance and loving them still....you are a good person with a huge heart, we need more like you to make this world bearable.
You have to respect Pallina's wish to spare you witnessing her death, she didn't do it to hurt you, to have you live with regret. She did it out of love and taht is all you need to know.....bless you Antonio, and I know there is a place in heaven for you. For all those who suffer in the name of love......

 

[les26]

Sometimes I wish that I could just be with her. And with Lola. Again.
I hope another world, where we can be together again, does exist.

It does and you will, and it will be wonderful.....

 

[jefferd18]

Sometimes I wish that I could just be with her. And with Lola. Again.
I hope another world, where we can be together again, does exist.

I understand completely, I feel the same way about Jeff. As I said, if I could have found a spell to bring her back I would not have hesitated in using it.


I think it does. I am not a religious person by any means but I have experienced too much in terms of sight, sounds, and feelings, to know that something exist beyond this life. You and Pallina will find one another again.

 

[di and bob]

I,too, have seen/felt/experienced enough to know that there is something beyond what we know here. Just because it cannot be proven does not mean it does not exist. You can't see wind or what sparks life either, but it is there.....

 

[Antonio65]

Happy birthday my beloved and soft and sweet Pallina.
You are in my thoughts every day. Every spot and corner of the house reminds me of you.
I hope you don't mind i Giada, our new kitten, is eating the canned food you left behind when you left me. Every time I open a can for her I ask her to thank you for the food she's going to eat.
My world isn't the same since you went to the Bridge, I miss you every single moment. I love you

EDIT: I wrote this post on May 3rd, two days ago, Pallina's birthday, but it didn't show, so I re-write it now, but now the date is wrong.
I'm so disappointed, I'd say angry!

 

[di and bob]

Let that sweet little kitten carry on in spirit. Sweet Pallina is in a place without time now, she does not concern herself with dates, she just feels the love you are sending her way, and always will......Happy, Happy Birthday dear angel!

 

[Loving Mickey]

Another sweet beauty! May I say , all your kitties are beauties.
They were and always will be.
Happy Belated Birthday sweet Pallina!
I am sure that she doesn't mind that the sweet kitten is eating the food she left. In fact, I am sure that she is watching and smiling , happy that her food is being enjoyed by a sweet little kitten.

 

[Antonio65]

Another sweet beauty! May I say , all your kitties are beauties.
They were and always will be.
Happy Belated Birthday sweet Pallina!

Thanks a lot, Loving Mickey, your words are very kind, they touched my heart!
I'm sure Pallina appreciates your compliments and birthday wishes.
Thank you!

 

[Antonio65]

Two years without you, my dearest Pallina, two years of pain in my heart every morning, every day. You were my pride, my life, my soft white furball.
Nothing has been the same since you went away, I tried, but nothing is the same.
I love you, I always will!

 

[di and bob]

Amen........

 

[Loving Mickey]

Sweet, sweet Pallina, what a beauty she was and still is.
Anniversaries are so very hard on our hearts. I know the pain you feel over Pallina's loss. I wish I could take your pain away, I truly do. The pain we feel over the loss of our precious kitties can be unbearable at times.
I cry daily over my Mickey, who is gone over six years now. It doesn't get easier. I miss him more as time goes by.
Also, the recent loss of my Mittens, a few months ago. I just can't seem to get through his loss at all. I just keep seeing his precious little orange face looking at me as he left me.
My heart is with you, Antonio. I so hope your heart feels at peace one day.
I know it is hard, just go one day at a time, or even one minute at a time.