Overwhelmed With Guilt

[unigeezer]

Since making the hardest decision of my life, to euthanize my beloved cat Morty, I've been consumed with overwhelming guilt. I've never cried so much in my 61 years and it's been almost non stop since his passing. I don't know how to deal with the loss and keep feeling that there was much more I should have done. How can I come to terms with this? Morty trusted me and his life was in my hands and he had no way of knowing that he was about to be put to sleep and it's just agonizingly painful not knowing if I did the right thing. I am truly heartbroken.

 

[kittens mom]

Since making the hardest decision of my life, to euthanize my beloved cat Morty, I've been consumed with overwhelming guilt. I've never cried so much in my 61 years and it's been almost non stop since his passing. I don't know how to deal with the loss and keep feeling that there was much more I should have done. How can I come to terms with this? Morty trusted me and his life was in my hands and he had no way of knowing that he was about to be put to sleep and it's just agonizingly painful not knowing if I did the right thing. I am truly heartbroken.

I know it's not going to help the grief but your feelings are normal. I don't know how to explain that we know it's the right thing at the time and then go to this self loathing what have I done to the little cat I loved more than my own life. And while I still sob over a year and a half later almost daily I know what we chose was right for Kitten.
There is no way to explain to your pet you are going to kill them. It is our duty as their guardians to spare them what most of the human race is not. A prolonged death often full of pain and confusion. I remind myself that Kitten lived a life where voices or hands were never raised and no one ever walked by her without a pet or kiss to the head. She lived in a home that was catified before it was a word and all her life was love and happiness and that by putting her to sleep before it was nothing but pain and confusion I preserved that life for her.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can say that and mean it and so can so many here you're walking a well worn path and are not alone.

 

[londoncatlover]

It's impossible not to feel guilt amongst the grief, but as the person above said, such feelings are normal and they will go. You loved him, and you cared for him, and you did the right thing. He had a great life with you, but the time came when the pain for him was too much and you had to make the horrible decision that you did. It's a hard decision, but you did it because you loved him, and it was the right decision.

Love the photos of him. He looked a very handsome boy.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Morty, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

Later, you will see that you did exactly what you thought was best for Morty. The guilt will go, although the pain remains. Eventually, the sweet moments will outweigh the bitter ones, although they remain, as well. He was a beautiful boy and lived knowing you loved each and every hair on his body.

 

[les26]

The grief can be overwhelming, so bad that you yourself feel like you will die or don't care if you do, that is how hard it can hit us, but you did EVERYTHING right and all that you could do. I know when my boys were sick I thought the same things "I should have seen this coming" or "I should have done this", but we do all that we can do with what we know at the time, and despite our best efforts when it is their time to move on they must go, no amount of time with us seems like enough, but he is fine now, it is you who are hurting and with time that will slowly soften, but believe me we all know how you feel and the only thing we can do is listen and tell you that it will soften with time.

I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless.....

 

[nahui]

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know you, but you sound like Morty was really lucky to have you in his life for caring so much for him. My mother went to something similar a few years ago. Her beloved Mishka, a yorkie, died in the hands of a negligent vet. My mother felt tremendous guilt afterwards thinking that it was her fault for trusting that vet and not doing more.

To give you a better idea, Mishka became my mother's whole world. She would not leave the house without her and she started wearing a vest that allowed her to carry Mishka with her at all times. Needless to say, when Mishka died my mother was overwhelmed with grief. Even worse than when her own father, my grandpa, died.

It got really bad, so we looked for a grief support group led by a therapist that she could attend and that helped a lot to process the grief and the guilt that she felt. Maybe this could be something you could consider. My mother was reticent at first, but afterwards she realized that being in a room where others understood what she was feeling was exactly what she needed. I do hope that you feel better.

 

[valentine319]

You lost your significant kitty (I've personally decided this is like a significant other). Morty was in your life day out and day in. I would be horribly concerned if you were emotionless about this. You are allowed to cry. You're allowed to mourn. We all unfortunately are hit by guilt. Realistically Morty had an amazing life with you as an amazing kitty mom. There's never enough time.

I had some grief from years ago with a kitten that died. After being with all you wonderful people I realized there was nothing I could have done.

I know guilt is part of the mourning. I really hope you can let it go. Don't feel bad seeing a therapist. Many will understand how this is a significant loss.

You did the best for Morty. You put Morty first, you loved unconditional and when it came to letting him suffer or letting him go you put him first. We're all here for you.

I think this does a good job explaining the loss.
Grieving the Loss of a Pet | Psych Central

 

[di and bob]

Try not to dwell on the end, but celebrate having him in your life and sharing your life path for a while. The guilt is always there, it is a normal part of the grieving process and you learn to cope and live with it by giving your heart time to heal. The only way I could cope was by keeping busy. It does no good to try to change the past, you took that final journey because you knew in your heart something was wrong, the burden of life was getting to be too much for him to bear.
You know your sweet boy would never want you to be so sad when remembering your time together. He loves you too much for that. Think of how you would want him to live if you were the first to go. You gave him one last act of unconditional love, and it broke your heart. You took on his pain as your own.
He thanks you for such a wonderful life, your time together will forever be seared on both of your souls. The bond you formed will never be taken, use it and your beautiful memories of happier times to bring comfort.
My heart goes out to you, your pain is equal to the love you held for that sweet boy. But to have never known him at all would have been unthinkable. He leaves you his legacy of love, pass it on by giving it to another who so desperately needs you, or do good things in his name, like donations of food or your time at your local shelter. It would honor his memory and bring you some much needed peace in your life. I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers, take care, we are crying with you for the loss of one so loved.......RIP beautiful Morty, you will never be forgotten, and will forever hold a place in a loving heart. Sleep tight, little Prince!

 

[rubysmama]

I don't know exactly how you're feeling, but I can imagine. One reason I hesitated adopting a cat was knowing it would get older faster than me and that eventually I'd have to say good-bye. And now that I have Ruby, someday I will probably have to make that hard choice, and afterwards I too will likely be racked with guilt and cry buckets of tears.

So I think what you are feeling is completely normal. It's so hard to say good-bye, especially when it feels like you made it happen. But you didn't make Morty sick. And unfortunately Morty's health situation changed so quickly that you didn't have time to come to terms to fact that he was very ill. That probably wouldn't have made the decision any easier, but at least you wouldn't be reeling from shock, along with the grief, and guilt.

Hopefully time will ease your mind and you will be able to remember the happy times with Morty.

The poem you posted in the other thread was beautiful. Perhaps you could add it to this thread too. Morty was a very handsome kitty. He was also lucky to have had you in his life for nearly 17 years. And him in yours.

RIP sweet Morty.

 

[Mia6]

I am so very sorry about your Morty. My Kirsten has been gone 9 months yesterday and I still
think about her daily. When I lost my Lena in 2001 I contacted a pet grief therapist. She told
me to write down on paper all the things I loved about my girl, funny stuff, etc. I recently
came across the list and it brought a smile to my face. Maybe when you are ready you
can do something like this.

I am sending thought and prayers your way.

Hugs,
Mia

 

[unigeezer]

Thank you all so much for your loving support and sharing your similar stories of the terrible pain of loss of your beloved babies. There is one thing that I can't get out of my mind and fear it will haunt me till the end; the vet had promised me that Morty would not feel pain, and that the first injection would only sedate him, and could take up to 10 minutes for him to go to sleep before the final injection. She had four hypos laying there and they had put a catheter in Morty's leg.

I became suddenly hysterical when the first injection which she said would be just a sedative immediately caused Morty's tongue to protrude, and he seemed lifeless or at a minimum, paralyzed! Was this normal??? I had to look away it was so terrible and I was crying uncontrollably and asking why this was happening! She quickly followed with a second injection and then put her stethoscope against Morty's chest and told me he had passed.

I felt like I was in a terrible nightmare at it was 4:30am and was feeling disoriented just sat there holding Morty in my arms wrapped in a blanket until she took him away and I just put my head in my hands and wept. I don't remember clearly how I was able to drive back home but I felt like I was going to pass out and just hoped I could get back home in one piece. Luckily at that time there was almost no traffic. This was the most painful, excruciating experience of my 61 years, without question.

 

[unigeezer]

This is my memorial poem in loving memory of Morty:

 

[di and bob]

Dear unigeezer, my heart breaks for what you are going through. I wish I could make it all go away, but only time helps to soften the edges of grief. Your poem is absolutely beautiful and a fitting tribute to such a wonderful boy.
I am a nurse and have witnessed death many times. Sometimes, and I believe this may be true in Morty's case, he was so frail and near death that the first injection was all it took. He was ready. His tongue protruded because his muscles instantly relaxed and his jaw relaxed. We often have to close the eyes and the mouths of the recently departed.There were more hypos laying there because each patient is different, some are stronger, some have bigger body mass, there are many variables. She quickly followed with the second injection as a guarantee of no suffering, but I truly believe your sweet boy was gone that quick. May God rest his little soul.

 

[les26]

That poem is wonderful, what a sweet tribute to your boy.....

I agree with Di and Bob, that he was so ready to go and just quickly passed with the first injection, and his muscles relaxed and his tongue stuck out. When we put Sassy down years ago and also our dog Rusty in 1995 the vets told us "they sometimes react violently to the shots", but neither one did, they just quietly and peacefully passed because they were ready to go, Simon also but that vet didn't say that to us, so they were weak and ready to go but it was a relief for them just like Morty. But the fact that you saw that, and I am sorry that you did, yes, it will probably stay with you forever, unfortunately. I say this because I can remember horrible things that happened to us that I can't get out of my mind, but they don't "haunt" me like they did when they first happened, like Simon throwing up green bile all over the kitchen floor because of stomach cancer, like Sebastian being stuck with his right leg caught in the mini blinds because he must've been trying to climb them because he knew he was dying, that thought of me turning on the light and seeing that, then me rushing over to free him only to have him pass away in my arms will never completely leave me, but I can look back and handle it better now that time has passed by, 3 plus years for Simon, 1 year 9 months for Sebastian, so that memory of him and his little tongue will lose it's powerful hold on you with time too, but I know exactly how you feel!!!

I also know that the bond I had with the two boys is represented in Sylvester who looks like you combined the two boys together, and when I pick him up and hug him and hold him subconciously I am holding the boys again too, and it is a gentle reminder of what they meant to me and in a way is comforting to me, I know that I did all that I could for them and more, but it was their time to go despite my efforts, they had to move on. And I can tell you right now when Sylvester's time comes I will be a mess, me, a 5' 11" 225 lb. man, will be reduced to a mess, I hope that his time to go is FAR OFF in the future because if he went now I think my heart would break, we heal from the heartache but it doesn't take much to go right back again to the bad dark places that we go when our beloved ones leave us.

I hope that in some way my story helps you, we surely do understand and I hope you heal a bit more each day, but I know how it is when one loved so dear has to leave us.....

 

[valentine319]

When I put my Ryan to sleep there wasn't multiple shots. I think my explanation would also help you understand. Ryan had woke me that morning and stopped eating completely. I had asked him if it was time and he walked towards his carrier. He hated the carrier. When we got to back with the vet he seemed a bit shocked. Basically Ryan was starting to pass. He just did one injection and he was gone so fast. The vet explained he might gasp or such. That didn't happen. He was gone in two minutes.

I believe you probably helped Morty pass to the rainbow bridge when he was starting to pass. You just took so much pain away and made it quick. He didn't suffer for days. You selflessly let him go and that hurts.

You did the right thing. I do believe if you could talk to Morty right now that he would thank you. Thank you for not letting him suffer. But most of all thank you for the wonderful life you gave him. For being such a wonderful mom to him.

 

[unigeezer]

I hope this one is not too sad, but it's my way of getting my feeling out. This one just poured out of my heart, and it truly sums up how I'm feeling:

"Final Good Night"
By Terry Peterson

Morty, dear baby, how I miss you so
It was so very hard to let you go
Time, they say, will heal the pain
But my heart still bleeds like falling rain

Consumed with guilt by the choice I made
And will remain ‘till to rest, I’m laid
I need so badly to turn back time
When both of us were in our prime

Your ashes are all I have to hold
And will keep me warm when the world is cold
Together we’ll take our last journey in flight
When we’re scattered into that final good night…

 

[les26]

And I also wanted to mention how last year we lost Skipper, one day a year ago he just started crying, we took him to the vet that same night and they found nothing, gave him fluids and a shot in case he was starting a UTI, we brought him home and the next day when we got up he was crying a little bit, we went to work, came home and he was dead, we'll never know why but we did all that we could. He was never a cat that wanted much to do with us, his brother and sister live with us, his brother is friendly his sister so-so, but he had all that he wanted, and if he wanted to deal with us he did but most times he was content and seemed to say "I'm fine, thank you, but please leave me alone", that's how he was, and after he passed I still remember sitting on the edge of the bed crying and feeling terrible, saying to Deb "I wish we could have done more with him, wish we could've been closer and known him better", but that is how he was and chose to be that way, he had all that he needed and wanted, and I'm sure that he was grateful that we took him in and took care of him but was perfectly happy that way.

But it was the GRIEF that made me feel that way, it can be so powerful in many ways and play MANY games with us both physical and mental.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

di and bob said it far better than I could have. The tongue was just a reaction to sudden and total relaxation. There was no pain, and probably no fear, because you were with him, loving him until the very end. My dearest wish would be to have that for myself when the time comes. You did well, my new friend, you did well.

 

[rubysmama]

Your "Final Good Night" did bring tears to my eyes. It was sad, but also beautiful.

 

[Mia6]

Morty's passing is still so fresh and you are grieving in your own way. The poems are so beautiful!
I am certain Morty is now happy at the bridge with so many other of our babies who have crossed.
Lola was Antonio's girl and oh, how special she was! I know she has taken Morty under her wing
and is caring for him as he is new.

Take it one day at a time, sweetie.

Hugs,

Mia