Opinions needed

[posiesmom]

You are so true Ritz.  I am far from perfect myself and have never claimed to be, but my husband is never wrong about anything and whenever we argue, everything becomes my fault.  I am looking into finding a counselor for myself.  I have to do this whether he will go or not.

Thanks again for your advice!

 

[ldg]

You've gotten plenty of good advice. I'm just leaving hugs , sending positivity and light :sun: :sun: :sun: and good vibes your way. :heart2:

 

[peaches08]

I had a boyfriend like this before. I'm still recovering from the damage almost a year later. At first I blamed his alcoholism/etc for what was going on, then I had to come to the painful realization that I am codependent and enabled him a lot. Reading Codependent No More was a huge help. Furthermore, if your hubby sees the book and has any nasty comments about it...then you have found some valuable answers.

Many hugs to you and your kitty!

 

[meuzettesmom]

When I had the opition to marry. The man wanted to me to wittle down to four cats out of my seven.Compromise is good, I thought. Then I realized (the more we talked). He wouldn't be happy with just them. Besides they don't do half the wrong things I do. So I will be next. I will be pecked on the rest of my life.So I rebeled and brought home three orphan kittens, that was the end of it.Now I know sticking up for the lesser lives was the best thing i could have done. I get more love for the inccent cats than I could ever recieve from that manNow I have nine cats and adopted four more after saticking up for the cats. BTW, only one of those from that time is still alive. For myself it was the right thing to do

 

[posiesmom]

Thank you LDG; that is very kind of you.  I appreciate it! 

 

[posiesmom]

Thanks Peaches08!  I will check that book out.  I am sorry that you had to deal with such a painful situation as well.  I hope that you continue to do well!  I appreciate your kind words! 

 

[posiesmom]

Thanks MeuzettesMom!  I am so glad that you found out what it was going to be like before you married him.  Good for you for sticking up for the kitties.  I know what you mean, they love you so unconditionally.  Unfortunately, sometimes it is not like that in our relationships. 

I am happy that you made the right decision for you.  I am praying that I will be able to do the same.  Thank you for your words of wisdom!

 

[AbbysMom]

I'm going to move this to the Cat Lounge for you.

 

[misty8723]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I'm not going to offer any advice, just support.   I feel I'm blessed. Whatever faults my husband has, he loves our cats (probably more than he loves me

 ), and I just couldn't be with anyone who didn't love cats/animals.  That would be a deal breaker for me.

 

[natalie_ca]

he is such a control freak

Problem # 1 is quoted above. Not only a control freak, but he sounds like a bully!

Problem #2 has nothing to do with the cat. He is using the cat as a scape goat for other underlying issues that he has.

I agree, marital counseling, together and separate, is what is needed to find the root of the problem, because it certainly isn't the cat. 

 

[posiesmom]

Thanks!

 

[posiesmom]

Thanks for your reply, Misty8723.  You are blessed; I wish that he could be more compassionate and not focus only on negative things, like when she chews on something she shouldn't. 

  She really is a good cat, but she has some behavioral issues which I am sure are not helped by all the stress/tension in the household.

 

[posiesmom]

Hi Natalie_ca,

Thanks for your response. Yes, he definitely is a control freak and I admit that his behavior is that of a bully.  Before we got the cat he had issues so I know it isn't her, it is him. 

I have started the process of finding a counselor and seeing what my insurance will cover.  I have talked to him again about the counseling and he refuses to go. 

I appreciate your advice.

 

[natalie_ca]

I have started the process of finding a counselor and seeing what my insurance will cover.  I have talked to him again about the counseling and he refuses to go.

If he won't go to counseling, that means he isn't open to making any changes, because he either doesn't see anything wrong, or doesn't want to change.

I'm afraid you have some decisions to make.  Stay or go.

 

[catbythesea]

Oh, no, Posiesmom! That sounds terrible. Whatever happens, we're here for you, and we like both you and  Posie! Counselling is a great idea, I'm so glad you're open to it. Don't be afraid to try more than one therapist if the first one isn't as helpful as you'd like. You may already know this, but there are different therapy styles and some work better for some people, and others work better for others. It helps most of all to have a therapist you feel good working with, one who helps you feel empowered. 

Posie is very important to you, and that is a good thing. You are also very important to Posie, and I think you're absolutely right that this whole situation makes her upset and stressed, too. Her mommy is stressed and upset, and she knows it. Your husband will not be able to fix the problem by trying to convince you that Posie should not be important to you, because she simply is. He doesn't get to decide that. 

By intentionally forcing you to choose between himself and your cat, he's demonstrating a MUCH larger problem, as you have already discovered. He's demonstrating that he wants to be in charge of what is important to you... and he can't do that while still respecting and honoring you as a person. If he really loves and cares for you, and wants to behave in a loving and caring way toward you, he needs to learn to behave in a caring and compassionate way toward this cat. She is part of your life, a cherished part of your life. Even if he does not want her himself, he must learn to behave kindly toward her. If he can't do that, I would think that's a very bad sign of his ability to treat YOU lovingly. 

You know better than anyone else what you need to do to take care of yourself and Posie. I'm not in your situation, and I won't attempt to tell you what I think you should do. But, whatever you decide, you've got a whole big forum full of cat lovers here who will support you. Hang in there, and keep playing with Posie! I hope some of this is helpful... take anything useful I've said and leave whatever isn't, of course!  

 

[posiesmom]

Natalie_ca, he doesn't want to change and has told me he isn't.  That is pretty obvious. You are right; I have some hard decisions to make and part of the factor in my decision is Posie and her health.  She is having some issues and I have to determine if they are stress related.

Thanks again for your advice.

 

[posiesmom]

Thanks CatByTheSea; your words are very kind and much appreciated!  I hopefully will hear from the counseling office to set up my first assessment soon.  I am not sure what their style of therapy is, so I guess I will just have to see what happens with it.

I feel so guilty because I am sure my stress is causing Posie to be stressed as well; I know that I need this counseling for both of our sakes.

Thank you for your advice; it is nice to know that I have a place that I can come for support. 

 

[catbythesea]

re: feeling guilty... It's not your fault. You didn't choose this; your husband is the one creating an unhealthy environment for you and Posie. You're doing a great job figuring out what you can do about it, though! You're doing great. 

 

[posiesmom]

Thank you.

 I am trying my best to hold it all together for Posie's sake as well as my own.  I appreciate your kindness.

 

[natalie_ca]

 
Thanks CatByTheSea; your words are very kind and much appreciated!  I hopefully will hear from the counseling office to set up my first assessment soon.  I am not sure what their style of therapy is, so I guess I will just have to see what happens with it.

I feel so guilty because I am sure my stress is causing Posie to be stressed as well; I know that I need this counseling for both of our sakes.

Thank you for your advice; it is nice to know that I have a place that I can come for support. 

You have nothing to feel guilty about.  The problem is his, not yours. The fact that you feel guilty based on his behaviour tells me that he is already doing you psychological harm, and that is NOT ok!  That is abuse.

I used to be in an abusive relationship (physically, mentally and emotionally), and I know how someone can do a huge number of another person.  I don't know you, and I don't know him, but based only on what you have talked about, you are in an abusive relationship, at least so far as psychological and emotional abuse goes.  Physical abuse is almost better than the other 2 because bruises heal. It takes much longer to overcome and get over psychological and emotional abuse.

I wish I could tell you what to do,  but I know you already know what you need to do but just haven't been able to get up the courage to do it.

And you need to do it for you, not your cat.