Opinions needed

[posiesmom]

Hi everyone,

I am fairly new here and I have enjoyed reading all of the information about cats to be found on here.  This website is wonderful.  I just want to start by saying that I know that no one can tell me what to do in this particular situation; I think I mainly want to know if anyone else feels the same way I do and that I am not crazy (yet).  I apologize for the length of this thread; it seems almost therapeutic to type it.

My husband does not like cats.  When we first started dating, I had a cat, Chirp, that was sick with anemia and was on medication.  She required meds twice a day for the next 2 1/2 years of her life.  He tolerated her, and was somewhat supportive; he did help me with her when I needed him to.  However, the financial burden was all mine.  In fact, we talked about the expenses involved and he could not believe the money that I had spent on her.  I had maxed out my credit card, but I was doing anything I could to help her; she was my soulmate and had been with me for more than 6 years.  I have always worked so I managed to make ends meet and finally paid off the credit card.

We got married, and a couple of months later it finally became apparent that the meds were no longer working for her, so I made the heartbreaking decision to have Chirp put to sleep.  My husband went with me to the vet's office to have this done.  I stayed in the room with her because I did not want her to go alone.  Needless to say, I was heartbroken and it took me a long time to come to peace with her loss.  During that time, when I would get upset and grieve over her, my husband would get upset and he told me he did not want me to get another cat.  I agreed, because in my grief I couldn't imagine having another one because I felt that no other cat could take Chirp's place.

A couple of years after Chirp's death, my husband told me he wanted me to get another cat; he felt that it would be good for me.  I was ready to bring another cat into my life and was excited about it.  I adopted my Posie when she was 4 mths old and she has been a joy to me, although she was (and still is at times) a bit rambunctious and likes to chew on things.  So, we have to hide paper towels, toilet paper, etc or she will chew or shred it to pieces.  This annoys my husband as does everything else that she does, apparently.  He also doesn't like that she jumps on the counters, etc.  Now the latest thing is that she has chewed a hole into the vinyl covering of one of our ottomans.  I do my best to keep her off the counters and I have tried wiping the objects that she chews on with lemon juice & vinegar.  I am constantly stressed, worried about whether or not she will do something to "set him off."  We have had several terrible arguments and on one occasion I left him, because he told me that if I did not get rid of her, I had to go.  I refused to get rid of her so I left with her.  The next day he called and begged me to come back, apologizing, saying he didn't like her but he loved me enough to tolerate her.  I went back home. 

A year and a half later, every time we have an argument he turns it around on her.  He blames her for all of the problems in our relationship, and it is simply not true.  We had problems before I adopted her mainly because he is such a control freak.  She is the one thing that is important to me, I love her and truly want the best for her.  Now she is having some urinary tract issues, possibly stress related, and I cannot imagine how she couldn't be stressed living in a household where it is pretty evident that he does not like her.  I honestly do not believe that he would do anything to harm her; however, his feelings toward her break my heart.  He has his hobbies, things that he enjoys; other than my job and exercise classes, she is my baby.  I have no children, so I admit that I dote on her, but never at his expense.  I try to talk to him, do everything I can for him, but he pulls further and further away from me and says that I have "chosen" the cat over him.  I truly believe he is jealous of the relationship I have with her; never mind that his reasoning for me to get another cat was for me to fill the void I was feeling without Chirp!

I am about at the end of my rope.  We have not even been married for 4 years yet, but I cannot see staying married to a man that disregards my wishes and is going to constantly pick apart everything that the cat does, and if he ever does help me with her he always throws it back in my face whenever we argue.  I do not feel it is fair, because he does whatever he wants, has his own hobbies, and I have never said anything to him about what he enjoys.  When I tell him this, he tells me that he has to "put up with" so much having Posie in the house.  It is a shame because I really thought that he and I were going to be compatible.  We have been through so much together, buying a house, he totally rebuilt it all by himself.  Now, when we are finally somewhat settling in, it all seems to be falling apart.

Again, I realize no one can tell me what to do.  I just wanted some other perspectives.

Thanks.

 

[franksmom]

Wow I am really sorry you are going through so much! I think it would probably be wise to try to address her behaviour issues and try to bring her closer to your husband. Here is an article from the site on how to keep cats off counters (http://www.thecatsite.com/a/get-off-how-to-discourage-your-cat-from-jumping-on-counters). I think you also need to get her more cat appropriate things for her to chew and play on, get a cat tree and a variety of scratching posts and toys. Have regular play sessions and include your husband. Your situation really reminds me of  the first episode of My Cat From Hell called "He Hates My Boyfriend" (you can watch it here (http://www.free-tv-video-online.me/internet/my_cat_from_hell/season_1.html) and Jackson Galaxy solved these issues by getting the significant others to be more involved with the cats get your husband to play with her and you and maybe even try to get her harness trained so you can all go out together for a walk. It is really important you two become more a team and try to spend time together.  

I think there is probably some deeper issues and I would really suggest thinking about some sort of counselling. 

As for her urinary issues, what kind of diet is she on? Cats with urinary issues do best on an all wet diet and I suggest you read www.catinfo.org for more information on feline nutrition. As she has an inappropriate chewing issue she may do really well with raw meaty bones and I suggest trying to give her chicken necks and gizzards to chew on. I also suggest you look into spirit essences to help calm her and they have one for cats with urinary issues (http://store.jacksongalaxy.com/category-s/1849.htm)

 

[mrsgreenjeens]

Hopefully just writing this will be therapeutic for you

.  It sounds like you are caught between a rock and a hard place right now.  Have you and your husband been to see a counselor?  Perhaps that would help?  Or would he even be amenable to that idea? 

As to Posie's latest "issues", I'm guessing they are, indeed, related to stress, poor baby.  Now her chewing issues could be something else entirely.  Is she still doing that?  Have you had her checked out by a Vet.  Is everything in her mouth ok?  Sometimes when grown cats chew on things, that's a sign of mouth issues, or it could simply be a sign of boredom.

I just re-read your last paragraph.  It sounds to me as if you are pretty much thinking about leaving your husband.  Have you told him how you feel? It doesn't sound (to me) as if all of this is about Posie, but about other things as well. 

We got one of our cats from a girl who had to give him up because her boyfriend was "allergic" to cats. (she'd had the cat for 7 years)   I always told my hubby if it were me, I would have found a new boyfriend! 

How's that for some not so subtle, read between the lines advise

 

[catsallaround]

I have ALOT of cats....

Husband was raised in a no pets family.  Of all his family only ONE cousin had birds and one cousin JUST got a cat.

He was taken back at my then 20 ish cats.  Some have passed some have been born. MANY fights have had the phrase "the cats", I used to yell well you knew I had many so what???  They are cats and I am pretty good at keeping money controlled far as litter/food.  but he has calmed down ALOT.  He bonded with one kitten who passed as a young adult.  I think that gave him a glance at how I feel with the cats.  And since getting the puppy he REALLY has changed.  He has an intense love for her that is so obvious.  He worries about her feet on hot street/checks her paws for glass asks if she eats enough when her tummy hurts.....  All in all after puppy he has been GREAT with cats.  now that is NOT a good idea to follow but just saying things CAN change.  OBVIOUSLY we still have to many in sense of normal standards, but he has gotten more into the care/knows alot more then he used to(cat is making a noise, puking, in litter box)

Sounds like there are some other issues.  1 cat doing a few bad things is not the end of world.  I really would try some counseling if possible and also try to figure out why it bothers him SO much considering you are very responsible for the cats care/bills. 

To me sounds  abit abusive to tell you to get cat then use it against you.  If cat was destroying items daily then I would say keep to one room but sounds like it is just being a normal cat. 

In meantime TIRE her out much as you can with laser pointer/feather toys.  Some cats do need a bit of exercise and being only cat means you have to help release all that.

Good luck
 

 

[goholistic]

Yeh, this is tough. I agree with suggestions made above, and also feel that there may be some deeper issues going on. It could be that perhaps because the cat is there, is easy to point the finger at her rather than working through the issues that each of you may have in your relationship. If you had a dog, it might be easy to blame the dog. If you didn't have a pet, he might blame an in-law or a friend. Before Posie, was there one thing he would always harp on? (Rhetorical question.) You said you had problems before adopting Posie, so I'm wondering if these issues were always there but masked by various "targets" that essentially got the blame. I am, by no means, a therapist, and my own relationship isn't all fairies and pixiedust, either. If your husband feels neglected, would it be helpful to have some dedicated alone time each day/night/weekend (however frequent) away from "the kid"?

I have to admit, though, the part where you chose the cat made me laugh. I would do the same! 

My significant other is 18 years older than me and we have been together 8 years. He likes that my three cats keep me occupied. He certainly likes it better than having "girls night out" every weekend at a local bar or out shopping and buying things I don't need (just examples). He doesn't like that the cat expenses cut into our vacation fund, so we've each made an effort to set aside some money for this. He also doesn't like it if the cats interfere with our special time together, like watching a movie or making a meal together, so I try to make sure they are all taken care of before we ignore the kids for a bit.

  But here's the thing...we don't live together (yet). Right now, it's just better that way. He's got 3 cats at home (8, 16, and 17) that go outside. I have three cats at home (12, 12, and 13) that are indoor only. It sounds terrible, but we're kind of "waiting it out" for some of them to die off. At this point I can't say for sure how it would be if we lived together, but I still think he would like that the cats kept me out his hair.

 

[monkey allison]

All I have to say. Get a divorce. He is never going to change. Besides stressing the cat it stresses you. #1 killer! You deserve better and so does your kitty. I was with a man for 8 years and at first I gave into some of his wishes. But it became it was never enough. It's all a form on control. Ask him to give up some of his hobbies. See how he likes that. I told my X before he was my X. "They were here before you and they will be here long after you". And it was so true. On, off. Back in forth. Life is to short and shorter for a animal. God loves all. But he has a special place for people who love his creatures.[emoji]128570[/emoji]great luck and move in love for the helpless and really do you want to spend the rest of your life living this way

 

[ares]

I'm echoing a lot of the above - there are deeper issues here then the cat. A relationship is about support and understanding the others needs, not just your own. If he can't even let you have a cat, which you have expressed means the world to you, and says "the cat goes or you both do" - that's not healthy. At all. You both need to have a long sit down about this, or go get some help. Getting rid of the cat isn't going to fix any of these problems.

My boyfriend of 8 years, who I currently live with, was always a dog person. Never really to fond of cats. He knew I was a bit of a cat freak and said that we should get one for our home - as a dog would be a bit too much of a hassle in a apartment! Needless to say, even though he ended up having a slight allergy to the cat, he loves it to death (think the cat loves him more then it loves me!) He deals with cleaning the litter box, giving him all the medications he needs, and tolerating when he knocks all of his trophies off his desk at night. He does this, not just for the cat, but for me. He knows how important this animal is to my life and wouldn't even consider getting rid of the cat, even though he is constantly dealing with allergies and having his things broken.

If your husband can't see how much this animal means to you, can't understand your feelings about all this and tells you to leave - then in my opinion, he's not a man I would want to have around. Why continue with someone who doesn't care about your feelings? If you truly think he is able to change, I would go see someone. Work on your issues - but give him an ultimatum. You don't deserve to be in a relationship where you feel your needs aren't being met.

 

[ritz]

If he loved you, he'd love (or at least tolerate) everything about you, including the cats.

The psychological term is "projection": Everything is the cat's fault, not the fact that I hate my job, hate my boss, am jealous of the cat, hate [fill in the blank].

If he won't go to counseling, go alone.

Meanwhile:  I agree with another poster, play with the cat as much as possible to tire him out.  Consider switching to raw unless it freaks out your husband too much (in which case, wet food).  Get some Feliway plug ins for stress, and maybe some Bach's Rescue Remedy.  The Feliway and RR are much cheaper online than in the big pet stores.

Good luck. 

 

[posiesmom]

Thank you for your reply Franksmom.  I will check out the article about keeping cats off the counters.  I have bought her many chew toys, but she doesn't seem interested in them.  I will try to make more of an effort to get her to play with these toys.  I do schedule playtime with her every evening, but maybe she needs more.  My husband spends all of his time in the evening out in his workshop, so I don't think that he is open whatsoever to playing and bonding with her.  He did build some shelves in the windows in the laundry room for her to be able to sit on and look out the windows, but he doesn't understand that she is not going to sit on these shelves all day.  She has a scratch post and a scratch box, but I want to get a cat tree for her.  This is probably another thing that my husband won't like because he complains about all of the cat things in the house already.

I have suggested counseling, but my husband is unwilling to go.  I may go by myself, because I believe I really need it at this point.

I was feeding Posie primarily wet food with 1/8 cup of dry food a day; now she is only on wet food (Wellness grain free chicken & turkey).  I also mix some water in with this food for her urinary issues.  For the chewing issues,  I have not tried the raw meaty bones yet, but I will purchase some and give them a try.

I did purchase the stress stopper Spirit Essences formula & the obsessive behavior formula and tried those for a while, but I could not see any change in her behavior.  Maybe I did not give them long enough to work?  I have not tried the urinary issues one though.

Again, thanks for your advice.  I will give your suggestions a try. 

 

[posiesmom]

Thanks for your reply, mrsgreenjeens.  My husband I and have not been to a counselor; he refuses to go.  But I think that I am going to go for my own mental health.

I will talk to my vet about her chewing issues; she is so stressed out when I take her to the vet that she probably will need to be sedated to get her there.  It was a struggle to get her there a couple of weeks ago about the urinary issues and I am sure the stress from that visit didn't help matters much.  She is an only cat, and since she is alone during the day, I have thought that boredom may be part of the problem.  Obviously, I can't get another cat since my husband doesn't even like the one I've got. 

I have told my husband that I do not want to leave but feel that he is giving me no choice.  Then of course he turns it around and says that I am choosing the cat over him and that I am throwing away everything we have.  The sad thing is that I don't think we have that much, especially since he doesn't respect my wishes and needs.

Thanks for all of your advice; I really appreciate it!

 

[franksmom]

Thank you for your reply Franksmom.  I will check out the article about keeping cats off the counters.  I have bought her many chew toys, but she doesn't seem interested in them.  I will try to make more of an effort to get her to play with these toys.  I do schedule playtime with her every evening, but maybe she needs more.  My husband spends all of his time in the evening out in his workshop, so I don't think that he is open whatsoever to playing and bonding with her.  He did build some shelves in the windows in the laundry room for her to be able to sit on and look out the windows, but he doesn't understand that she is not going to sit on these shelves all day.  She has a scratch post and a scratch box, but I want to get a cat tree for her.  This is probably another thing that my husband won't like because he complains about all of the cat things in the house already.

I have suggested counseling, but my husband is unwilling to go.  I may go by myself, because I believe I really need it at this point.

I was feeding Posie primarily wet food with 1/8 cup of dry food a day; now she is only on wet food (Wellness grain free chicken & turkey).  I also mix some water in with this food for her urinary issues.  For the chewing issues,  I have not tried the raw meaty bones yet, but I will purchase some and give them a try.

I did purchase the stress stopper Spirit Essences formula & the obsessive behavior formula and tried those for a while, but I could not see any change in her behavior.  Maybe I did not give them long enough to work?  I have not tried the urinary issues one though.

Again, thanks for your advice.  I will give your suggestions a try. 

Well that is a good sign he built her the shelves. Maybe he feels left out and I would encourage you to try to get him involved with you and the cat. Also plan some alone time and have date nights. Sometimes when people fight they get so ingrained into their position that is really takes an overture to start a truce going. No one is all right in an argument and maybe if you apologize for your part it might help you two move on. Maybe even at some point watch the My Cat From Hell episode together and start a discussion from there. Both couples on the show had larger issues and the cat was just a pawn in a larger battle. 

If he is not willing to go to counselling would he be willing to talk to a spiritual advisor like a priest or rabbi? 

Start trying again with the spirit essences I have heard it takes a while for them to work and they also have to be part of some other changes as well. 

Good luck!

 

[posiesmom]

Thanks for your reply, catsallaround.  My husband was also raised in a no pets family.  In fact, when I got the cat, his mother made no attempt to hide her disgust that I was keeping it in the house. 

 I am glad that your husband has adjusted and calmed down about your cats, though.  At one time, I thought that my husband was coming around.  Then it seems that Posie will just "be a cat" and jump on the counter, chew something, and then the fights start again.  Obviously, it is wearing on me walking around all the time trying to see if there is any incriminating evidence against her before he can spot it.  He says that he has accepted her but he obviously hasn't, because every argument we have he steers the conversation back to her and how much he has to "give up" because of her.

My husband likes to control things, and I think it frustrates him because this is one issue that he feels he doesn't have control over.  I am definitely going to try counseling, although I don't think that he will go with me. 

I will also work on playing with Posie more at night, and maybe making her more tired so she hopefully won't have the desire to chew on things.

Thanks again!  I appreciate your advice.  Good luck to you too with all of your furbabies!

 

[posiesmom]

Thanks for your reply, GoHolistic.  I think that you are exactly right in that there are some deeper issues; the thing is he refuses to talk about them, always displacing the blame on Posie for everything; if he is unhappy at work, he complains about her.  If he is unhappy with me, he complains about her.  Before we got Posie, he complained about the same things, but she wasn't there to be his scapegoat.  We used to go out for dinner every Wednesday night as a "date night" but that hasn't happened for some time now.  He retreats to his workshop at night and I usually don't see him very much.  He built the workshop as a refuge for himself, claiming that I am "pushing" him out of the house which is the furthest thing from the truth.  I have asked him to spend time with me at night, but he doesn't like watching TV at night or doing things inside, so he prefers to be out in his shop piddling around.  He has projects that he works on and this is what he enjoys doing, but again he can use Posie as an excuse that he "has" to go out in the shop at night.

My husband is also older than me by 13 years; we have both been married before and he is very "set in his ways."  I did know this when I married him, but I honestly never realized the extent of his controlling nature.  I love having Posie to take care of and play with, but he sees it as a "burden" that he doesn't understand.  Now that she has the urinary tract issues, he can't believe that I have taken her to the vet and given her medication.  He has never really had pets so he doesn't understand that they sometimes get sick and need medical attention, probably because he doesn't take proper care of himself and go to the doctor when he needs to. 

I also know exactly what you mean about your significant other not liking it when your cats interfere with your time together, watching a movie, eating, etc.  The thing is on the very rare occasions anymore that we do these things together, I am on pins and needles trying to make sure she doesn't jump on the counter or do something to upset him.  I used to put her in the bathroom/laundry room while we cooked/ate dinner to keep her from jumping on the counters, but lately she seems calmer and hasn't been doing this as much so I haven't been putting her in there.  I am just trying to keep peace, as well as avoid stressing her out any more than she is.  The thing is that she really seems to like my husband; when he comes home she will run over to him and rub against him.  I very rarely see him show her affection, but when he does I always have a glimmer of hope that things will get better.

Thanks again for your advice.  Good luck to you with your significant other and all of your cats.  It sounds like to me you have the best of both worlds right now! 

  I think maybe my husband and I would have a chance if we lived in separate households! 

 

[posiesmom]

Thanks for your reply, Monkey Allison.  I appreciate your advice.  Believe me, I understand that life is definitely too short and I have been there, done that in an unhappy marriage (totally different issues) and I wasted far too much of my time in that relationship.  I do not want to make the same mistake again.  That being said, I am older now and with many more responsibilities than I had before.  I do not want to give up on the marriage, but if my husband is unwilling to go to counseling or work on our relationship issues, then I will have no choice but to do so.  I have my own health and my cat's health to consider.

Thanks again! 

 

[catsallaround]

I would try to do a few playtimes during the day instead of one if possible.

Yeah his family was all like you got that many all living in the house???  Yet his cousin came over and layed down to play with them and they were giving him toys/batting the toys to him.  You can't judge if you never were at my house!

I know it took a long time for him.  The other thing that helped was creating cat free area so he knows anything in that room will not be layed on/bothered by a cat.  Like he is into fixing computers and the like and can leave the parts all out and deal with things in his own time.  We have it set up as a living room/workout room.

That stress is no good for you and wish he could see it  Do your best and know it really isn't the cat that there is something else going on and he is taking it out on her as an easy target.  Stay strong!
 

 

[ritz]

I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill--yeah, actually, I do:  Some of the language he uses borders on emotional abuse:  The Blame Game.  It's you, not me.

Strongly recommend counseling (I'm in counseling now).  If he complains about the cost, ask him how much he thinks a divorce will cost him.

 

[posiesmom]

Thanks for your reply, Ares.  I totally agree with you, there are deeper issues.  My husband has apologized for the time he "made" me leave if I wasn't going to get rid of the cat; however, he brings up all the time how I chose the cat over him, etc.  I cannot get him to let go of these feelings.  I honestly do not feel that I neglect him; I have tried and tried to support him in every way and be there for him.  He helps me as well, but if we have an argument, the first thing that comes out of his mouth is going to be about her, and he will "remind" me of the things he does for me/her. 

I am so glad that your boyfriend has accepted your cat and helps you with him.  My husband will help me do a few things like holding Posie while I trim her nails, but if it takes up too much of his time or is inconvenient for him, he will complain. 

I am going to go see a counselor.  I will try to talk to my husband again but in all honesty, we really can't talk without him getting upset and yelling, so I don't think that will go very far.  I appreciate your advice and understanding; thank you. 

 

[posiesmom]

Thanks for your reply, Ritz. You have definitely hit the nail on the head.  Projection is exactly what he is doing.  He is a selfish person, I have come to realize, and if he can't get his way, he doesn't like it.

I am going to go to counseling for myself.  I am also going to play with Posie more to make sure she is getting all the attention she deserves.  The worst thing in all of this is that I don't want to contribute to her stress anymore by not giving her the attention and care that she needs.  I have thought about the raw food and may eventually try that, but right now I am feeding her all wet food with extra water mixed in.  I am using a couple of the Feliway plug ins, and I tried a couple of Spirit Essences Stress Stopper and Obsessive Behavior remedies, but I possible didn't use them long enough.  I will give them another try.  I was kind of waiting until she finishes her Clavamox (one more dose) and I see if her UTI is gone.  I am hoping and praying that it has.

Thanks so much for your advice!  I really appreciate it! 

 

[posiesmom]

Thanks again Franksmom.  I will do my best to try to make time for my husband and I and to be together alone, but it seems at this point he is not interested in this at all.  I am going to see a counselor and will also try again to see if he will go.

I always watch My Cat from Hell but haven't been able to get my husband to watch; I will see what I can do.  I will also try to get him involved in playtime with her.  I think you are right; it seems a line has been drawn and he and I are on opposite sides of it and it is hard for us to be able to rationally talk about our situation.  I don't want to fight anymore; I can't continue to live this way.

I will also give the Spirit Essences another try.  I appreciate your help!

 

[posiesmom]

Thanks again!  I know, I don't understand why some people have such hang ups about keeping a pet in a house.  You are correct; they don't know if they haven't been to your house! 

Our bedroom is strictly off limits to Posie.  Of course I would love for her to sleep with us, but my husband has never allowed it and other than the bedroom, she has free run of the house (we have a small house though).

Thanks for your advice; it really helps me with trying to deal with this situation.  I appreciate it!