One Year Since

[wt1964]

March 18, 2018 marked one year since I had to let my Lucy go. We had 19 1/2 wonderful years together. She was the first of my three and the last to leave me. There's something sadly poetic in how that worked out. She rescued me when she was pretty young, and she changed my life. She was the little light that burned bright with unconditional love at the center of my little universe. I did all that I could for her in her declining years, and when her time came, she went peacefully at home as I cradled her in my arms and sang softly to her until the end.

And now, just over one year later, my grief still runs deep. Oh, I function fine through my every day life, but still about every two weeks or so, the wave begins its sweep and I eventually break down.

The thought of another pet does not interest me. After three cats, all of which lived to be quite old, I am not ready for another lifetime commitment. This loss that I feel is unique, and I think I need to allow myself to grieve naturally for my Lucy for as long as it takes. It is not the easy way, but for me it is the only way. I worried so over her in her declining years, and I tried to always hide my tears from her, so as not to rob her of her precious energy. She had enough problems as she grew older. She didn't need that. And now that she's gone, and in my moments of melancholy, her little box of ashes catches my tears.

 

[Kitty Mommy]

I'm so sorry you are still having so much pain. I was thinking about you recently and wondering how you were doing. Your last post was such a wonderful tribute to your Lucy it made me cry. It will take as long as it takes for your grief to run its course. Lucy will always be with you and you will always feel the love that you shared for each other. Even though it hurts for her to not be here with you that everlasting love she has given you is a great gift. You gave her a wonderful life and that truly means something special. Its okay that you are not ready for another cat in your life. That doesn't reflect badly in any way. Your new video is wonderful. What a very special bond you had with her. Lucy was such a beautiful and loving kitty.

 

[les26]

After Sebastian died my pastor and friend who is a psychologist told me it would take about 1.5 years to be pretty "over" it as much as that can be so I can understand you are still in pain. They grab onto our hearts and our souls so hard that when they go and they were ones that we had such a loving, special bond with, well, it isn't something that we easily get over. I dread the day my Sylvester goes as I already know that I will be a wreck, so I fully understand.

I am sorry that you lost your best friend, but her spirit is with you always. I hope time somehow eases your pain, God Bless.......

 

[di and bob]

The love is so very evident in your video, I'm glad you have that special reminder of the love that was shared so openly and fully.
Sharing a love like that over so many years builds an incredibly strong bond between the souls. Though her physical body is no longer present in your home, her love will be with you always. The 'essence' of that sweet girl is free now, to follow your journey through life. Always there, always close by. To say they passed on is a wonderful way to say that what made them them is freed from the physical hold of a failing body. It is spiritual so eternal, it can never die and leave us because it is a part of us.
A year is not long in the journey through life. It is a step in a million steps, it is not near long enough to soften the pain of loss, to soften the sharp edges of grief. You have many steps in the loving of your girl. Hold onto those precious memories and use them to bring comfort to your heart. Don't dwell on the end, on the pain. Don't let the grief turn them into something more important than her life. There was so much more in the joy and happiness she brought you.
Love is wanting so much more for the one you love. It is wanting only happiness and sunshine in the life you gave your heart to. Just as you would want for her to go on into a future full of warmth and joy if you were the first to go, so she wants for you.
I know in my heart she thanks you for your love and a life well lived, she thanks you so much for being with her at the end. For being there to give her her own comfort. She did not want to go,she was called and she had to.
I know your feelings all too well. I too cannot bear the thought of more loss. But I know I will, because I share my home with other little ones, and my heart. But there comes along that special one, your soulmate, and that is the greatest gift and the greatest loss of all. Several times a year I pay for the adoption of the cat at my local shelter that has been there the longest. To hopefully make it easier for them to find their own love. It makes me feel a little better about myself, it helps to rid myself of a little pain by bringing happiness to others. And I do it all in my own little girl's name to honor her memory.
Take care of yourself, I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.
RIP precious Lucy. You gave your all, you built a lifetime of love and memories in those almost twenty years of loving. Please send what comfort you can to the one who loves and misses you you so very much. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

I remember. Always, I remember.

 

[Antonio65]

I remember you and Lucy.
It's a year already, who would believe it?
You had one of the strongest and deepest bonds I have ever seen. Every single second of your life together was filled with love, no doubt about it.
It's one year for me too, my Lola died March 30th, last year, and I'm still grieving over her, and there are days when the pain in unbearable, so I fully understand you.

Lucy was stunning and still she is, up there!

 

[Timmer]

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm relatively new on here so I don't know you. I can't watch the video because I fear it would make me cry. I'm crying reading your post. My Timmer died three months ago. Hearing you say you still cry now and then after a year is kind of good to hear. Like if I do it, it's OK too :-)
19+ years is a great live. We are so blessed to have them for as long as we do.

 

[duckpond]

I am so sorry for you loss of Lucy. We all grieve in our own time, and our own way. Take care of yourself, and allow the time you need. I hope the pain of her loss lessens daily, and that you remember only the good and the happy times, that you smile when you think of her.
Take care.

 

[wt1964]

Thank you all for your kind words, comfort and understanding. I don't come around here very often, and am often tardy with the thoughts which I want to share...but I have become so hypersensitive because of my own loss, that if I read more than one or two things, I begin to cry...and the same thing happens when I want to post news or replies. Honestly, these days I am doing enough crying on my own.

I knew I could talk here about my still-present grief, and I knew I would find understanding about not wanting another pet. I am setting no time limit to how long I will mourn for her. Honestly, I would rather still be able to cry over her 10 or 20 years from now, than to feel like I am ever forgetting her. I'm not forcing myself to stay sad. As I have said elsewhere: some days I laugh, and some days I weep...and some days I laugh and some days I weep. My lonely little life takes small steps forward every day. But I am a little sad every day that it is without her. I'm just a sensitive person. I'm an artist and a musician, so I have always been naturally a little melancholy.

It is sometimes difficult for me not to dwell on her final months/days/moments. It was terribly stressful watching her suddenly getting old and frail.

I may be rambling a bit here, but I wanted to take a moment that I was feeling okay enough to get this down without my eyes dimming.

Thank you Kitty Mommy, les26, di and bob, Mamanyt1953, Antonio65, and duckpond
....and to you as well, Timmer. I hope you can give a look and listen to my video sometime, although I can understand your hesitance. Be assured that it's not particularly sad. It is a video full of the love my Lucy and I shared. Hopefully it will make you smile. But you might also shed a tear. I am so very sorry for you loss. I do not feel guilt or shame for still crying over my Lucy, one year later, and you should always feel okay about weeping for your Timmer.

 

[wt1964]

The crying I do for my Lucy is unlike anything I've experienced...at least since my youngest childhood years. When it hits me, it hits hard, and I find myself inside that meek and sensitive little four year old that was me. It's terribly visceral. At its worst, I find myself sobbing and sometimes wailing as I clutch onto her box of ashes, and my tears flow without end. It's the type of crying where I can't catch my breath(again, like in my childhood).

I have no problem with crying...However, this is something different. And deeper. :'(

 

[CatloverinFL]

March 18, 2018 marked one year since I had to let my Lucy go. We had 19 1/2 wonderful years together. She was the first of my three and the last to leave me. There's something sadly poetic in how that worked out. She rescued me when she was pretty young, and she changed my life. She was the little light that burned bright with unconditional love at the center of my little universe. I did all that I could for her in her declining years, and when her time came, she went peacefully at home as I cradled her in my arms and sang softly to her until the end.

And now, just over one year later, my grief still runs deep. Oh, I function fine through my every day life, but still about every two weeks or so, the wave begins its sweep and I eventually break down.

The thought of another pet does not interest me. After three cats, all of which lived to be quite old, I am not ready for another lifetime commitment. This loss that I feel is unique, and I think I need to allow myself to grieve naturally for my Lucy for as long as it takes. It is not the easy way, but for me it is the only way. I worried so over her in her declining years, and I tried to always hide my tears from her, so as not to rob her of her precious energy. She had enough problems as she grew older. She didn't need that. And now that she's gone, and in my moments of melancholy, her little box of ashes catches my tears.

I watch your video and tears streamed down my face. It was so sad. What made it even worse was knowing as I watched it on Sunday that my dear and beloved cat was dying then at my home from a fast moving and insidious terminal cancer. My heart goes out to you, and I think I can say that I truly understand what pain and grief you are going through, and have been experiencing. My boy 'baby' died at home, on Tuesday, 3 days ago. I am, of course, brokenhearted and shell shocked over his death, and the whole ordeal. You were obviously a very good Daddy to Lucy, and it's obvious watching the video that she also loved you dearly. You can see it in her eyes. Blessings to you.

 

[1 bruce 1]

Holy moley.
19 1/2 years? You and Lucy were SO lucky to have that length of time together in the here and now.
I watch my 10 year old litter mates slapping one another and giving indignant hisses and mutual baths and sleeping side by side yet giving one another the prune face stink-eye at feeding time and can only pray I'll see that much more time with them.
Tears indeed. You were/are lucky, but the pain is there, and I don't care what anyone says...it's a raw, physical hurt that spans WAY past our emotions and mental capacities. We feel it as physical pain, but this *will* pass.
Perhaps after almost 2 decades, this pain is worse as so many years together builds a bond that those silly non-cat people will never be lucky enough to understand. I pity them, don't you? *group hug*

So much love to you and Lucy. You were obviously an excellent steward for her life here on earth.
As stated here so many times, "their last breath on Earth is their first breath in heaven" and I can't even explain how much this quotes means to me on so many level.
In short, you "done good". You'll see her again, but you've got stuff to do here yet that needs addressed.
Hugs, friend.

 

[wt1964]

I watch your video and tears streamed down my face. It was so sad. What made it even worse was knowing as I watched it on Sunday that my dear and beloved cat was dying then at my home from a fast moving and insidious terminal cancer. My heart goes out to you, and I think I can say that I truly understand what pain and grief you are going through, and have been experiencing. My boy 'baby' died at home, on Tuesday, 3 days ago. I am, of course, brokenhearted and shell shocked over his death, and the whole ordeal. You were obviously a very good Daddy to Lucy, and it's obvious watching the video that she also loved you dearly. You can see it in her eyes. Blessings to you.

I am so terribly sorry you lost your boy. I know how devastated you are. Thank you for sitting through my video, even though it made you cry. It is my way of sharing the pain of my loss, as well as the joy of the bond that my Lucy and I had. So glad that came through to you. Thank you for the compliment.

 

[1 bruce 1]

I watch your video and tears streamed down my face. It was so sad. What made it even worse was knowing as I watched it on Sunday that my dear and beloved cat was dying then at my home from a fast moving and insidious terminal cancer. My heart goes out to you, and I think I can say that I truly understand what pain and grief you are going through, and have been experiencing. My boy 'baby' died at home, on Tuesday, 3 days ago. I am, of course, brokenhearted and shell shocked over his death, and the whole ordeal. You were obviously a very good Daddy to Lucy, and it's obvious watching the video that she also loved you dearly. You can see it in her eyes. Blessings to you.

Much love send to you, C CatloverinFL . I'm so sorry about your baby boy. The ordeal is so painful, so raw and (as I said in my previous post) so strangely physical. When they leave our side, we feel it emotionally and perhaps spiritually, but the physical pain is real.
The last one we buried felt OK until AFTER he was buried, and it began to rain and I felt like a panic attack was at bay because it had yet to sink in....he needed to be INSIDE, with ME. He didn't like the rain and didn't like to be wet. The physical part of me tried to say "chill out, 's OK" but the spiritual side of me wondered if my vision of Heaven and the next life wasn't shedding a tear in one of my darkest hours to show (heaven's) sympathy.
Hugs, my friend. It'll get better...it's hard to believe now, but it will eventually be OK.

 

[wt1964]

The last one we buried felt OK until AFTER he was buried, and it began to rain and I felt like a panic attack was at bay because it had yet to sink in....he needed to be INSIDE, with ME. He didn't like the rain and didn't like to be wet. The physical part of me tried to say "chill out, it's OK" but the spiritual side of me wondered...

Man, I totally get that. There's a part of me that feels that my Lucy is somehow still with me, albeit in a sort of "limbo". And since her physical being is no more, I worry that her spirit cries out to me, and I hear this little voice in my head saying "Daddy? Where are you? Why can't I see you!?". So, whenever I leave the house, I always play the radio next to her little box of ashes, the same as I did before she passed...so she won't be alone. I do the same thing when I talk to her, in that I will hold her urn to my chest, in hopes that she will somehow be aware and be (spiritually) comforted by the vibrations of my voice.

Hard stuff to overcome. :'(

 

[CatloverinFL]

Much love send to you, C CatloverinFL . I'm so sorry about your baby boy. The ordeal is so painful, so raw and (as I said in my previous post) so strangely physical. When they leave our side, we feel it emotionally and perhaps spiritually, but the physical pain is real.
The last one we buried felt OK until AFTER he was buried, and it began to rain and I felt like a panic attack was at bay because it had yet to sink in....he needed to be INSIDE, with ME. He didn't like the rain and didn't like to be wet. The physical part of me tried to say "chill out, 's OK" but the spiritual side of me wondered if my vision of Heaven and the next life wasn't shedding a tear in one of my darkest hours to show (heaven's) sympathy.
Hugs, my friend. It'll get better...it's hard to believe now, but it will eventually be OK.

Thank you so much for your kind words, 1 bruce. I buried my 'baby' boy in the back yard on late Tues of this week, right next to my other cat (who died 3 weeks ago of cancer), and I also felt the same thing, an unsettled feeling knowing he was now underground, laying in his beautiful, small trunk, I had bought at Hobby Lobby several weeks ago in anticipation of his soon to be and inevitable death. Although I have been out to his grave at least once a day since he died, it is almost too painful to stay more than a minute there because I am so aware that he is in the ground buried, and not inside with me, or walking around in the backyard with me. It's sad, haunting and surreal. I have also thought about the rain which is coming here on Sunday. It was raining very hard and storming on the last night and morning he was alive. I don't mean to sound morose, but am simply very sad and perplexed about his death right on the heels of my other cat, and let's be honest, the death of a very loved companion is a very hard to deal with.

 

[1 bruce 1]

I remember. Always, I remember.

Even after losing a beloved friend almost 13 years out....
I remember too. That empty place their absence left is filled, but I still remember.

 

[1 bruce 1]

Man, I totally get that. There's a part of me that feels that my Lucy is somehow still with me, albeit in a sort of "limbo". And since her physical being is no more, I worry that her spirit cries out to me, and I hear this little voice in my head saying "Daddy? Where are you? Why can't I see you!?". So, whenever I leave the house, I always play the radio next to her little box of ashes, the same as I did before she passed...so she won't be alone. I do the same thing when I talk to her, in that I will hold her urn to my chest, in hopes that she will somehow be aware and be (spiritually) comforted by the vibrations of my voice.

Hard stuff to overcome. :'(

As hard as it is, I don't think what you're doing is a bad thing.
My pets were buried, not cremated, and their graves are cheerfully lit by LED lights and decorations, etc., and one night shortly after the death and burial of a much beloved, we took the dogs out for a run. I noticed that the LED lights weren't on. One of the dogs was being a butthead about peeing before bedtime, so I said to the deceased "Hi, (name)" and one of the two LED lights flipped on. A few moments later, the dog I had outside had yet to pee, so I said to the deceased "your bro is being kind of a butt-hole" and the OTHER light came on as if they were LOL'ing and agreeing that yes, this particular dog WAS being a butt-hole about peeing before bed. I laughed and cried.
Later on, dark came and I realized this pet's lights weren't on. I said (out loud), "(Name), why aren't your lights on. And why does that make me want to cry". Hand to God, these lights came on, a full 45-60 minutes past the time they usually lit up!
It's hard to over come, indeed. But at some point, some time, they'll let you know they're OK.

ETA: Talk to her and forget the people who think you (we) are nuts...

 

[1 bruce 1]

Thank you so much for your kind words, 1 bruce. I buried my 'baby' boy in the back yard on late Tues of this week, right next to my other cat (who died 3 weeks ago of cancer), and I also felt the same thing, an unsettled feeling knowing he was now underground, laying in his beautiful, small trunk, I had bought at Hobby Lobby several weeks ago in anticipation of his soon to be and inevitable death. Although I have been out to his grave at least once a day since he died, it is almost too painful to stay more than a minute there because I am so aware that he is in the ground buried, and not inside with me, or walking around in the backyard with me. It's sad, haunting and surreal. I have also thought about the rain which is coming here on Sunday. It was raining very hard and storming on the last night and morning he was alive. I don't mean to sound morose, but am simply very sad and perplexed about his death right on the heels of my other cat, and let's be honest, the death of a very loved companion is a very hard to deal with.

That "pain of the burial site" will lessen with time.
It sounds *so* cliche, but the last one we buried we planted things like marigolds and other things on his grave. We pressed flowers. When we pressed flowers, we kept a note inside that pressing on his life (funny things he did and how much we love him, etc.)
I'm not sure where you're located, but ours died in the winter and we were lucky to have a mild winter in which burial was possible. It was painful. When the weather turned to Spring and things were nice outside, we planted those flowers on his grave, fenced it in (with inexpensive garden fencing from Wal-Mart) and got an inexpensive shepherds hook and hung a flag on the burial site. It didn't take any immediate pain away, but made the area cheerful vs. morbid or upsetting. We put LED lights out to light the area up and make it cheerful.
Stones with nice sayings and/or scriptures can be purchased but can be made from flagstone and water proof paint if you're a crafty type =)
My advice is make the area in which they're buried cheerful. Make is RIDICULOUSLY cheerful and something you can't ignore. The tears will roll but eventually they'll be replaced with smiles, laughter, and happiness at the life that was led vs. the final days. It's scary at first, I know, but it can be done.
It's hard, I know. Sometimes it feels unbearable...but tending to that burial site can help the healing. If you're worried about moving..some day...and leaving that site behind (as I am), planting and pressing flowers can help. I've decided to by urns and take "dirt" from those sites, and mix with those preserved flowers, and to be buried with them some day, so a piece of them is free yet a piece of them is with me forever.

 

[dustydiamond1]

Your video made me cry as your and Lucys story did when I first met you. Others here have expressed my feeling better than I can put words to. I just want to add that Lucy is still watching over you and can hear you speaking to her. I completely understand you not wanting to share your life right now but have you thought about visiting a shelter and sharing some quality time with other poor animals who would could use some affection? I think Lucy would approve. It's clear to see in your video and photos that she loved you as much as you love her and I think she doesn't want you so lonely. I can't visit this forum hardly at all, but I had to let you know how much you and Lucy touched my heart. Your video is a wonderful loving tribute to an extraordinary love shared.