Not bonding with new cat

Mini8

TCS Member
Kitten
Joined
Aug 1, 2022
Messages
15
Purraise
19
I’m a relatively new cat person that fell in love with cats after inheriting two senior cats in 2018. One of the cats was very affectionate while the other one was skittish and rarely wanted to be in your lap, etc. It took a whole year for the skittish cat to be more friendly with me. After the affectionate cat crossed the rainbow bridge that same cat literally became a loving and affectionate cat overnight. I had him for two more years to live up until he went to be with his brother. Be patient and I’m sure he will come around. Also, not sure if you are open to contacting an animal communicator, but they have helped me tremendously when in doubt of a cats behavior or health.
 

Casey56

TCS Member
Kitten
Joined
Aug 3, 2022
Messages
5
Purraise
26
I came to TCS this morning with questions and looking for support, and so glad this was the first post that caught my eye. I have also recently lost my best feline friend who I shared life with for 20 years. And after not having a "new" cat for 20 years, I now have an 8-yo girl who was in a shelter for 2 months and had only one owner before that. So, we probably both feel like we have been thrown in the deep end of the pool! I just wanted to say I'm glad for this conversation, and I hope we can both find the patience we need to navigate life with our new roommates.
 

rubysmama

Forum Helper
Staff Member
Forum Helper
Joined
Nov 25, 2013
Messages
21,994
Purraise
52,419
Location
Canada
Welcome to TCS, Casey56 Casey56 . Condolences on the loss of your feline friend of 20 years. :alright:
If you think it might help, we have a Crossing the Bridge forum where you could post a memorial tribute. RIP sweet kitty. :angel:

And do consider posting in our New Cats on the Block forum where you can introduce yourself, and your new girl, and/or posting your own thread in this forum, if you'd like support/advise on your specific situation.
:petcat:
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #24

nab2013

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Joined
Jul 29, 2022
Messages
9
Purraise
17
I came to TCS this morning with questions and looking for support, and so glad this was the first post that caught my eye. I have also recently lost my best feline friend who I shared life with for 20 years. And after not having a "new" cat for 20 years, I now have an 8-yo girl who was in a shelter for 2 months and had only one owner before that. So, we probably both feel like we have been thrown in the deep end of the pool! I just wanted to say I'm glad for this conversation, and I hope we can both find the patience we need to navigate life with our new roommates.
I'm so sorry for your loss...I can't even imagine losing a companion of 20 years like that and how incredibly difficult that must be. And it's nice to know that I'm not alone in struggling with this. Hopefully with time both of us will come to bond with our new roommates in the same way as our cats we loved so much before (and hopefully the same goes for them!).

I think one of the things that's so difficult for me is that I actually didn't have my cat for long at all. I only had him for nine months...but yet in those nine months I quickly came to love him so very much that I couldn't imagine my life without him. He was only 8 years old and I just feel like I was robbed of all the time we were supposed to have, which I thought would hopefully be another 10 years or more. He was totally healthy when I adopted him. His cancer diagnosis was completely unexpected and then it progressed so rapidly that there was nothing that could be done other then palliative steroids. He passed away less than a month after the diagnosis and six weeks after his first very mild symptom. I'll never be able to celebrate his birthday with him (I had been trying to plan what kind of special treat I could give him) and for some reason that just devastates me.
He was the friendliest guy when it came to people but he really didn't like other cats. Part me also wonders what he would think of another cat in his space and how much I'm sure he would hate it. And then I feel incredibly guilty even though I'm not trying to replace him and know that I never could.

I'm not sure how it is for you, but I've had a lot of ups and downs and have found that some days are better then others (both in terms of the grieving process and bonding). Hopefully with time the good days will become more frequent.
 

Furballsmom

Forum Helper and Cat Devotee
Staff Member
Forum Helper
Joined
Jan 9, 2018
Messages
31,733
Purraise
42,789
Location
Colorado USA
Something you said reminded me, on a much smaller level, of when I was hunting through rescue photos and saw Poppycat (after we'd lost our other kitty). His description said he was four years old.

When we went to meet him/pick him up one of the last things his first owner said was "oh, he's actually five years old now".

Considering we don't get enough time with them, every year, month and day counts a lot :heartshape: :purr:
 

Cat McCannon

TCS Member
Alpha Cat
Joined
Mar 28, 2021
Messages
486
Purraise
990
He's constantly rubbing the side of his face against my legs (he walks by and sort of quickly tilts his head to do that)...I'm not sure if it's a sign of affection or if he's just trying to mark me with his scent.
You just won the Kitty Lottery!

It’s a sign of affection, it’s scent marking and so much more! Your cat is marking you with its scent and marking itself with your scent. By mingling his scent with yours, the two of you now share the community scent. You’re no longer a stranger.
 

Casey56

TCS Member
Kitten
Joined
Aug 3, 2022
Messages
5
Purraise
26
I'm not sure how it is for you, but I've had a lot of ups and downs and have found that some days are better then others (both in terms of the grieving process and bonding). Hopefully with time the good days will become more frequent.
Yes, it absolutely is up and down, which is the nature of grief...not linear, as I want everything to be. I have days when I feel accepting and detached, and I don't think about Hershey as much (though I have a photos of her around). Then out of the blue something hits me and I'm in such deep pain spiritually. Two days ago Katniss decided to get into one of Hershey's beds. I had put it there for her, but when I walked in and saw her in it I fell apart. Mixed feelings....glad to see Kat finding a spot she feels safe in, but immediately thinking, oh, no, that's Hershey's bed, not yours. I think with all healing, time takes time.

I haven't seen mention of your new boy's name, have you named him yet? Maybe I just missed it. ;)
 

KittyBeanbag

TCS Member
Kitten
Joined
Aug 3, 2022
Messages
8
Purraise
15
Hi everyone.
I was hoping for some advice. I recently lost my cat to cancer in a very traumatic way. He was young and I was very bonded to him - I loved him like a child honestly. It's been incredibly difficult.
Things just felt so empty and so I eventually brought home another cat. He's a 5 year old boy and is very gentle and sweet but doesn't seem to want to interact with me much at all. He's been here about 6 weeks now, and it seems like he's been interacting less with me as time goes on. At the beginning he would occasionally cuddle with me on the sofa and he slept in bed with me at night. Now he never sits with me on the sofa and sleeps in another room. He also doesn't seem to like being pet - I try to sit at his level and hold out my hand so he can sniff it, but he just turns his head away. If I try to pet his head he'll get up and walk away. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I've mostly been trying to wait for him to come to me but it doesn't seem like that's working.
He does follow me from room to room, and he comes to the door whenever I get home. He seems to always want to be in the same room as me, but sitting in another chair rather than right next to me.
I've tried winning his affection with treats. I live alone so I'm the one who gives him all his meals, cleans his litter box etc. I also play with him every night which he seems to enjoy. He spends a lot of time during the day looking out the windows and doesn't seem bored.
Anyway, I'm just not sure if there's any way for us to bond more, or if this is just how things are going to be. Of course I knew he wasn't going to be the same as my previous cat, but I guess I was hoping for at least some of the companionship I had before.
Has anyone been in this situation before and had cats that became more affectionate with time? It's just incredibly sad to think that this is how things are going to be for the rest of our time together, and I'm struggling a lot with the thought of that.
You said he likes looking out the window. Put a bird feeder outside in his view. He will love it. Then sit with him and watch birds. Pet him. He will looovvee the entertainment. He'll associate enjoyment to you. Even if you only sit there for 5 minutes every day.
 

Willowwombat

TCS Member
Adult Cat
Joined
Nov 5, 2021
Messages
103
Purraise
86
He may be a shy sort, and he's trying to work out his new life.

My Dude, who I adopted last year when he was nine, took a while to become my cat. He never sits with me and certainly never gets up on the bed, but when we first got him he did sit beside us on the couch and he did get up on the bed.

I've had him now for almost nine months, and slowly he's starting to see by my other cat's example that laps are for sitting and he'll stand on my lap for a minute or two. .More and more often he comes and gets me for a pat and scritch session with or without his brush, and he's got to the point where he purrs and drools and licks me when I brush him, but it took almost 7 months before I really felt he was my cat. He also now finally knows I'm his mom, and he interacts with me quite a bit now, but on his terms, not on mine

He may also be sensing that you are also a bit ambivalent about him. Cats are pretty darned astute when it comes to reading people.
 
Top