No partner, no kids, how to deal with the criticism?

[terestrife]

Today, i got in a fight with a family member. this person is known as the family gossip, he always talks crap about everyone, and lies, but people forgive him because he can be so charming and nice when he wants to be. I gave him a Christmas greeting card that i made of my cat, Kitty.

And he tells me i should use my time finding a man and having kids instead of giving the time and attention i give to my cat. it pisses me off because this guy lives in another country from his own kids, has never been financially responsible for them, and one time he lost his job and depended on his family to pay everything for him, and get him a car, even after he found work he was living free with relatives and talking crap about the people taking care of him.

he says he wants to "help" me. i dont need people reminding me that i am alone. i have a lot of self esteem issues, and tend to worry too much about what people say to me. i told him to butt out and find himself a woman and to leave me alone, and if he couldnt to not come around.

i can tell he looks down on me for loving my cat so much. to be honest, i dont even know if i want kids. ive been stuck having to help raising my neices and nephews, and it is not an easy job. i cant imagine needing to be a parent 24/7. but anyway, ive noticed this is a common thing people tend to look down on people that have pets and give them love, but at the same time dont have a partner.

how can i learn to ignore these people?

 

[luvmyparker]

You know, I can totally relate. I am 29 and am not a relationship and don't have children. While most people I know and care about don't pressure me, there are those who make comments. Sometimes they make me feel guilty about it but I have to remember that I just am not ready for kids. I may never be and that is my choice, whether others agree or not.

Too many people spend too much time worrying about what others do and don't do. That is THEIR problem. If you are content with your life and decide you don't want children then it is OK. I know it gets hard to ignore sometimes but you have the freedom to live your life as you please and all you can do is hold your head up and be happy with your decision, no matter what anyone says.

 

[flintmccullough]

He-is-a-bully.He-is-also-very-unhappy,and-the-only-thing-that-makes-him-happy,is-to-judge-others,and-put-them-down.

Those-type-of-people,zero-in-on,and-seek-out-people,that-have-a-weaker,personalty,per-say,that-are-easily-bullied-and-get-their-feelings-hurt.Those-type-of-people,thrive,on-it.

Do-not-respond-to-him.

Do-not-let-him-in-the-door.

Do-not-ans-the-phone-if-he-calls.

Do-not-send-him-anything.

In-other-words,do-not-enable-him,to-treat-you-like-this.

Who-the-heck-cares-what-he-thinks,he-is-the-loser,not-you.

Co-worker,once-told-me,if-you-let-them-upset-you,they-have-power-over-you,do-not-give-them-that-power.

If-you-must-interact-with-him,let-me-know,will-tell-you-what-to-say-to-him.Please-paw-mail-me.

 

[sk_pacer]

Simply tell him to go suck eggs. What you do and how you choose to live is NOT HIS BUSINESS and he should be aprised of this. He really doesn't want to help from the sounds of it, only control.

 

[natalie_ca]

You know, it sounds to me he just likes to press your buttons because he knows he can, and he likes how you react.

Next time when he starts to go on and on about you being single and having no kids and dotting on your cat, simply smile and thank him for the advice, and wander away to speak to the next crowd of people.

We can't change what other people say or do, but we can change how we react to it.  By not reacting, you take the wind out of his sails.

 

[Draco]

I'm 31, single and no kids.

My parents often hint that they want grandkids from me.. but I think they've finally given up. My sister's friend comments every time and always asks if I am seeing anyone, but since she's not my friend, I don't give a darn on what she thinks.

Everyone enjoys my christmas cards of my furkids. No one really says anything. Fooey on anyone who looks otherwise!

 

[terestrife]

We can't change what other people say or do, but we can change how we react to it.  By not reacting, you take the wind out of his sails.

that sounds really good and makes sense. it would be hard for me though, i tend to say what i think and feel without thinking. its something i want to work on. if i just sat there and smiled while being insulted i would feel like i was being weak and cowardly for not defending myself. i know that sounds nuts. lol thanks everyone for the advice i felt a lot better after coming on here.

 

[angels mommy]

I am 43 & also not dating anyone & "in love" with my fur baby! I have dated some great guys, but just had bad timing.  I know my parents would like to see me find a husband because I do struggle a little financially, & if I need anything done, I always ask my dad. "He's kinda my handy man" when I need one. I haven't met many guys that are my type here, (mixed/light skinned)  & I tell my parents that I would not "settle" just to be married.  There are to many unhappy people because of that!  I'd rather be happy, content & alone.  I have always had a nurturing personality & have wanted children, but this year at 43, I have thought that I wouldn't want to "start all that" at my age!  I have even thought that if I could afford it, possibly adopting, but again, that's A LOT to take on alone.

 

[kookycats]

There's nothing more I can add to what everybody above said.

It's absolutely nobody's business how you lead your life. We don't have children, but we adore our cats and sometimes i think I get more love from them than some of my friends who have kids. I would just ignore this idiot's ranting and live your life the way you want to.

 

[three cat night]

Sounds like he is transferring his own resentment about himself onto you. Tell him " bite me " you loser. And there is nothing better than a stress free life NOT having kids to suck the very lifeline out of
Me and soak up the money they fell entitled to. Okay Im not really this annoyed about kids, just seeing the stress that my siblings have with their children. I get to be an aunt and love them up and then they go home. I too have had a lot of pressure to procreate , but now that I am older I can see the choices I made were good . Of course I do have three little babies that just happen to be four footed wearing furr jumpsuits and being a joy to live with. Animals know how to love without conditions and judgement. This passive aggressive man made to make you feel like he is feeling, and just for that I recommend that you give your kitty extra kisses and presents and toys. Sorry about the rant but having experienced the same kind of treatment it makes me feel better to just blow off these kind of people.

 

[angels mommy]

Sounds like he is transferring his own resentment about himself onto you. Tell him " bite me " you loser. And there is nothing better than a stress free life NOT having kids to suck the very lifeline out of
Me and soak up the money they fell entitled to. Okay Im not really this annoyed about kids, just seeing the stress that my siblings have with their children. I get to be an aunt and love them up and then they go home. I too have had a lot of pressure to procreate , but now that I am older I can see the choices I made were good . Of course I do have three little babies that just happen to be four footed wearing furr jumpsuits and being a joy to live with. Animals know how to love without conditions and judgement. This passive aggressive man made to make you feel like he is feeling, and just for that I recommend that you give your kitty extra kisses and presents and toys. Sorry about the rant but having experienced the same kind of treatment it makes me feel better to just blow off these kind of people.

LOL!  

 Wearing fur jumpsuits, I love it!

 

[aeevr]

How do you like this response:

"Every time I imagine getting together with some guy, I imagine he'll turn out like you...P.S. Stay out of my life - don't call or contact me EVER."

 

[terestrife]

He-is-a-bully.He-is-also-very-unhappy,and-the-only-thing-that-makes-him-happy,is-to-judge-others,and-put-them-down.

Those-type-of-people,zero-in-on,and-seek-out-people,that-have-a-weaker,personalty,per-say,that-are-easily-bullied-and-get-their-feelings-hurt.Those-type-of-people,thrive,on-it.

i dont like the thought of having a weaker personality, but i do admit that i get easily hurt. when people mention the fact that i dont have a partner or kids, it brings up all the insecurities i have. about 6 months ago i stopped talking to my dad because of a similar argument. he told me if i keep being the type of person that changes my personality that no man will ever want me. especially since im like my mom. what he means that, i am very temperamental. one moment im happy, and then im mad, and then im happy again. lol

a lot of my self esteem issues stem from my dad. i remember being very young, and hearing him telling my mom that i looked like a "beast" because i was so fat. which i really wasnt that overweight. my weight has fluctuated a lot and he would constantly judge me on my weight, and watch what i eat, he would literally hover over my shoulder and watch what i was fixing.

mind you, he rarely came over to start with, since my parents separated when i was 5. he would come over every now and then, eat, watch tv, maybe make some comment about my appearance, and then disappear again. when i grew up, and told him to quit judging me on my weight, and told him i had self esteem issues because of his judging me, but he said nothing, and the next day acted like nothing was different. he even started telling my 14 year old niece to lose weight, even after my fight with him.

but i cant keep on blaming him, im an adult and what i feel or think should not depend on what others think or say. i always feel like i just want to be in a relationship so people could stop seeing me as the pathetic one that doesnt have a partner or kids. all my siblings are married with kids, and im the pathetic one with a cat. thats how they see me anyway. im very grateful to my cat, i lost 100 lbs a couple of years back, but developed overeating issues, and regained the weight. i was really depressed and at a low point when i adopted her. it helps to focus on someone besides myself.

to be honest, i dont know if i even want kids. since my siblings all have kids, ive been having to babysit since i was 11. i get frustrated just dealing with their annoying crying and whining for a few hours, cant imagine doing it for 18 years.

i want to be a stronger person, but dont even know where to begin. i want to be happy even if i never find a partner, but i just always feel like there is something wrong with me. anyway, sorry to get so personal. but i dont really have anyone i can speak to about my feelings.
 

 

[subvet642]

The next time he says you: "...should use your time finding a man and having kids instead of giving the time and attention i give to my cat", tell him that he should use his time learning not to be a mooching dead-beat and as he isn't paying YOUR bills, he should keep his mouth shut; that nothing you do is any of his  business!

 

[swampwitch]

I know how to stop him, and also your dad, and anyone else with unsolicited advice about how to live your life. I have a hyper-critical mother, according to her nothing is right about my life and never has been. She used to make me cry daily. I had to learn early how to deal with people like that.

You just agree with them. 

That's it. Just a few words and it takes the wind right out of their sails. They realize they aren't going to get a reaction or argument out of you and they move on. It will take a bit of effort on your part (to lie) but just think of it as a game for self-preservation. You don't owe this person any explanations, and you don't have to follow through with what you say to them.

Think of it as dealing with their verbal bulls**t with your own verbal bulls**t. 

 You can't fight irrationality by being rational, it just doesn't work.

"You should find a man instead of spending time with your cat."

"Okay."

"You should let me help you."

"Fine."

"You're too fat."
"I agree."

"You love your cat too much."

"You're probably right."

"I don't like your hair cut."

"Neither do I."

"That coat looks terrible on you."
"It does, doesn't it?"

...you get the idea.

Maybe it's not "honest" but it's effective, and let's face it, we are talking about saving ourselves from people we don't like or respect - otherwise they can really wear you down. There's no room for honesty with irrational mean people like this, you just need for them to quit hammering at you so you can live your life in peace.

Try it next time. It's like magic or something.

BTW, not being a bully doesn't mean you have a weaker personality. It means you a kinder, loving person. In my book, someone with integrity and consideration for others has a much stronger personality than someone who lashes out at others when they are unhappy.

 

[terestrife]

Think of it as dealing with their verbal bulls**t with your own verbal bulls**t. 

 You can't fight irrationality by being rational, it just doesn't work.

Maybe it's not "honest" but it's effective, and let's face it, we are talking about saving ourselves from people we don't like or respect - otherwise they can really wear you down. There's no room for honesty with irrational mean people like this, you just need for them to quit hammering at you so you can live your life in peace.

Try it next time. It's like magic or something.

BTW, not being a bully doesn't mean you have a weaker personality. It means you a kinder, loving person. In my book, someone with integrity and consideration for others has a much stronger personality than someone who lashes out at others when they are unhappy.

Oh wow, thats a great way of dealing with pushy people!i am definitely going to try it! its going to take some effort, as i tend to be very temperamental, but its worth it, if itll get people off my back, and keep me from having to argue and defend myself all the time. i completely agree with what you said...
"You can't fight irrationality by being rational, it just doesn't work."

whenever i argue, i try to be rational and argue my side, but it never works, its like they are not even listening and are lost in their own argument.  i dont want to be so angry and depressed all the time just because of other peoples opinions.

thanks for the advice, hopefully it works out for me too.

 

[flintmccullough]

I-didn't-mean-someone-that-has-a-weaker-personalty,as-a-critisisum-or-a-put-down,I-just-did-not-know-how-else-to-describe-it,or-what-word-to-use.

But-people-who-have-a-strong-personality,ones-who-bully-and-pick-on-people,zero-in-on-the-other-type.Because,they-know,the-person-will-take-it,or-cry-or-get-upset.That,makes-these-people,feel-good,makes-them-feel-superior,because-they-are-unhappy-their-own-selfs.

I-used-to-be-like-that.My-father-told-me-every-day-of-my-life,since-I-was-a-little-kid,that-I-was-stupid,ugly,fat,and-I-would-never-amount-to-anything.Well,he-was-right.I-would-cry,and-go-sit-in-the-horse-stalls,with-the-horses,and-talk-to-them.My-father-was-also-an-alcoholic,as-was-my-mother.

I-never-had-any-love-growing-up-or-encouragement-or-support,as-most-kids-do.

Just-as-kittens-learn-social-skills-from-the-momma-kitty,children-learn-from-their-parents.I-never-learned.

My-mother-never-taught-me-what-other-mothers-teach-their-daughters-about-life.

In-high-school,when-other-girls-were-wearing-make-up-and-nice-clothes-and-short-skirts,I-wore-hand-me-downs,and-knee-socks,and-no-make-up.She-never-taught-me-about-boys-or-men.She-set-me-up-to-fail.

Gotta-finish-this-after-work.Are-you-sure-your-father-never-been-to-Texas?Reading-your-story,was-like-reading-about-my-life.

 

[tara g]

However you want to live YOUR life should not matter to anyone else. It doesn't affect him in ANY way if you don't have a partner or kids. I do like the idea of just "agreeing" with the pushy people. I've done that before, just nodded and agreed half-heartedly lol.

I don't want kids, and I have people all the time giving me grief over how much I love my animals, how they aren't worth loving as much as a baby is, etc. But its my life and I've learned to just not give a rats behind what people think of me anymore. Some days, I'll react back, and usually they come back with so many ridiculous responses I wish I'd kept my mouth shut because dealing with them gives me a headache. Ever since my husband and I separated, I got to the point where I was more outspoken toward people and less eager to please the masses, as well as quit caring all together what people thought of me and how I live my life. Especially when it doesn't affect them in any way, shape, or form. Some just need to mind their own flippin' business.

 

[david's steph]

...

You just agree with them. .....

Think of it as dealing with their verbal bulls**t with your own verbal bulls**t. 

 You can't fight irrationality by being rational, it just doesn't work.

"You should find a man instead of spending time with your cat."

"Okay."

"You should let me help you."

"Fine."

"You're too fat."
"I agree."

"You love your cat too much."

"You're probably right."

"I don't like your hair cut."

"Neither do I."

"That coat looks terrible on you."
"It does, doesn't it?"

...you get the idea.

...

Try it next time. It's like magic or something...

This post literally made me laugh out loud - FANTASTIC - I love this 

 

[rollie]

I love people for the most part and spend much time with them. However, when feeling down or disappointed in said people I always return to my Luuk. He doesn't waver or withdraw. He's my rock when it comes to relationships.