New kitten: feeling guilty about resident cat

Kitcat2017

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Please don't judge me or at least try not to while you read this - I have mild ocd and severe anxiety issues that often leads to indecisiveness.

I have a 3 year old DSH male cat, neutered, extremely affectionate and well behaved kitty. He is the love and light of my life and my husband is perfectly okay with this fact. I have had him since he was 5 months old and he has changed my life in so many ways and I am so so grateful to him for being in my life. I had been contemplating getting a kitten, another male cat as most people suggested male cats getting along better. My family, specially my parents had been telling me that I should get him a companion as I work 60 hours a week. But I truly believed he enjoys being the only baby. My husband loves him but he said he'd be okay with adding a kitten to our family as we can afford it and he would love to give another animal a loving home. I got obsessed with the idea while I have been working from home during this COVID 19 fiasco and I thought now would be the best time to get a kitty as I'm home and I'll be able to watch over and bond with him. I have been checking the local shelter page obsessively and kittens were going away like hotcakes for some reason. I would see info on a kitten and call the shelter immediately and they'd be like oopps he just got adopted. So finally saw a kitten on the website last night, I made an appointment at the shelter and went over hoping that by the time I get there he'd still be available. He was. And as soon as I found out he was available, my excitement decreased a little bit, like I said, I'm an indecisive asshole. Nonetheless, I adopted an 8 weeks old male kitten who was neutered 2 days ago. He is adorable and very kitten like. He growls and jumps around and plays like crazy and bites - nothing like my resident baby, but I knew I couldn't expect adult like behavior from a kitten and I had mentally prepared myself for is. But I kinda forgot it will take months if not a year for the kitten to calm down, and my resident boy is very mellow and chill and doesn't like being bothered. I even don't allow more than 6 people to come over to our place because it stresses him out.. and now I have given him a reason to think he's being replaced...

I brought the kitten home and he's in a separate room and per my research he won't be meeting my resident kitty at least for another 10 days. But my resident cat has figured out something is different obviously and he's very curious about the kitten's room. I feel extremely, extremely guilty. I feel like I have or I am going to disappoint my kitty. It's been only 5 hours we have brought the kitten home and I am regretting it, and I'm hating that I'm regretting it. Is this normal or a rare douchebag like trait? I am really pissed at myself for feeling this way and also pissed at myself for changing my kitty's life. I know it wasn't on a whim and I had planned for it, like I was prepared with new litterbox, kitten food etc already at home, but I still feel like that was an impulsive decision. I am scared that it's going to depress my resident cat and he'll stop doing all the wonderful things that he does like sit down with us for family dinner and greet us when we come home from work, spend every minute with us when we are home on our laps. I have never heard him hiss or growl or be aggressive. Now I wonder if all that will change because of the new kitten. I also feel like shit because it's not the kitten's fault.. like he's supposed be family and yet I'm thinking of him as an "outsider" who is here to ruin my perfectly peaceful home routine. I don't know what to do or how to handle this.. any suggestion for this indecisive impulsive douchebag?
 

Furballsmom

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Is this normal
There have been other members with reactions similar to yours.

The kitten will definitely change the household dynamics and some of the ways that your older cat behaves in this new environment, but that doesn't mean any of it will be bad. Cats are remarkably resilient and you may find that they become the best of buddies, and wouldn't that be a completely marvelous thing to look forward to?

Try some chamomile tea - or deep breathing, or exercise, meditation, whatever you find works for you to decompress a bit. Your cats are sponges for your emotions and the calmer you are able to be the better things will be for them.

Cat music is something that you should try if you see your older cat becoming stressed by kitten energy and antics, and there are additional calming products available that aren't medications. Plus, give your older kitty a room of his own where he can relax away from that boundless energy for a little while if he needs it.

On the flip side, he's three years old, not 13, and may begin to see the kitten as a toy. Be absolutely sure to intervene if their playtime gets rough, until the kitten has enough growth and maturity to defend himself.

Also, be sure to kitten-proof your house and any delicate breakables - Mamanyt1953 Mamanyt1953 has the excellent suggestion of using museum putty, I think it's called, to help things stick to shelves in the wake of full-blown zoomies.

Here are a couple of articles that may help;
How To Introduce A Kitten To An Older Cat – Cat Articles

How To Successfully Introduce Cats: The Ultimate Guide – Cat Articles
 

corvidae

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I was very worried about adding another cat to my household. Jem was happy enough as an only cat, got a ton of attention from us, and was very pampered. When my roommate brought her cat home, Jem hissed when he smelled him through the carrier as we brought him to his separate room. Now, a year later, Jem is absolutely in love with Merle, my roommates cat. He spends most of the day grooming him or playing with him, they sleep curled up together regularly, they keep each other entertained- and they both are very pampered and loved.
I definitely hear your concerns about the potential for negative impacts on your resident cat, and as another person with an anxiety disorder I understand the intensity those thoughts can have. At the same time- what if this kitten ends up having a positive impact on your resident cat? It’s just as possible that your resident kitty will have his life transformed for the better! I wish you and your family - human and not- peace during this transition time. Things will likely settle as you all adjust!
 

Margret

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I didn't adopt a kitten, but a year and a half ago (or thereabouts) we adopted an older cat after his owner (a dear friend) died unexpectedly. Jasmine was (and is) not happy about this, and both of them are convinced that they should be the top cat. This is a problem that you're unlikely to have; your adult cat will probably make the pecking order quite obvious to the kitten.

What I've found that seems to work well is "time-outs." When Bright Eyes (the new cat) attacks Jasmine (or vice versa) the offending cat is locked in a room with a litter box, food, water, toys, and a scratching post - someplace where s/he can't get at the other cat. (We never punish by withholding food, and this isn't intended to be punishment - it's just a way to separate the cats and give them a chance to calm down.) When we let the cat out, the two of them each try to ignore each other.

Let me be very clear, however. While Jasmine isn't happy about the presence of Bright Eyes in her house, she also isn't unhappy. She still sleeps with me, purrs, eats normally, gets the occasional zoomies, bats around her toy mousies, naps a great deal - all the things she did before Bright Eyes arrived. Because they're both fully adult (elderly, even), and set in their ways it's unlikely that they'll ever actually be friends, but they're both fairly adept at ignoring the fact that there's another cat in the house, most of the time.

Introducing a kitten to a young adult cat should be much easier, and may well result in a life-long friendship between the two. Nothing is certain (because nothing is ever certain), but I'd say there's a very good chance that things will be just fine. Please relax. Get some quality time with your older cat, and spend some time enjoying kitten antics. If you're comfortable with the situation there's a much greater chance that the cats will also be comfortable.

Margret
 

Jcatbird

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We all understand you’re concerns. You are not a douchebag! Having concerns and worries in any new relationship is actually NORMAL. Your OCD may accentuate the feelings but I’d be far more worried if you didn’t consider both kitties and their feelings.
I was in a situation where I felt I had to do some emergency rescues even though I already had kitties. All older kitties too! I was so stressed out. How would my established babies ever tolerate what I was planning to do? I would be putting a large number of feral cats and kittens through our home. So many things went through my mind. I already had an Felv cat too. He could not be exposed to the kitties. Could he adjust? My oldest female had never been around kittens. She had come to me as a feral orphan kitten survivor of an Felv colony. She was not sick but elderly and such a baby to me as her human mom. Not only did it all work out over the next two years but maybe these photos will help. It’s my elderly girl and another orphaned kitten. Time and some adjustments but my old girl and the others grew to love the rescues. I’m sure you will find a great support system here on TCS if you need it. Many have gone through introducing a new kitty to a resident cat and can offer lots of helpful tips. I think that you are awesome! I wish everyone would take this time to adopt and bond with a fur baby. Please keep us updated and post back at any time.

Snuggles between new friends.
F117935C-C20A-4B72-86CF-20BE05C07A91.jpeg

Kisses too!
90B8BDBD-9256-4636-8640-9D51714CD50B.jpeg
 

Lillyenn

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Don't worry, cats can get used to a lot of situations. My first cat never really liked other cats (he in fact actively disliked almost all of them), he's also been an only cat for a while, but now I live with 4 cats. And he still gets irritated or jealous sometimes, but he never hurt any of them, and now he even likes playing with all of them. He is definitely not a chill cat, more like a little drama queen. So if he can tolerate 3 new cats in his territory, then I think yours will be fine too.
Also you are not an asshole for being indecisive, do you think I planned for 4 cats? This was just a situation that basically happened outside of my control, I adopted my first cat, then these two stray females decided that they live with us, one of them was pregnant so we kept one kitten. Out of 4 only 2 were my decision, but I wouldn't change a thing.
Bringing home a new pet is a big decision, cats in ideal living situations can live up to 14-16 years (some amazing ones can live up to 18-20 years). I got my first cat when I was 20 so if nothing bad happens he can be with me until I'm in the middle of my 30's, that is a long time. Your concerns are completely valid for wanting your older cat to be happy too, despite the changes. Plus I think that one top of the current virus problem, a significant change in your life like a new pet would stress you out a little even if you were the chillest person on earth.
 

sivyaleah

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Been there, feel your pain.

We lost our old man cat last year. Felt our lady cat needed a friend and after nearly a year decided on a kitten, because a) I'd personally never had a kitten (husband has had many) and b) every time Cocoabean heard kitten noises on computers/tv's she always reacted interested so we thought it would go ok. Well, we weren't right.

First - Bean is a very sweet, low key cat. A doll. Just perfect. Not a mean bone in her body.

Short story. Brought Luna home last September - age 15 weeks. Bean is approximately 11ish or so. Luna goes into her safe room right away. Bean figures out rather fast something is up. Hissing and growling ensures at the door. Oh. My. Call us shocked.

Anyway, Luna being young didn't understand or realize any of this, thankfully. She'd just sit on her side of the door, calm, interested but Bean was having NONE of it. Tried doing the feeding on both sides of the door thing but Bean would only eat in the kitchen so that didn't work. Finally just put up a gate, kept the door opened in the daytime and figured they would have to acclimate to each other little by little. At night, the door was closed and we kept Luna in a playpen for safety - Bean of course had her usual run of the house.

After about a month we started letting Luna have downstairs time with Bean around. Bean would not go near her. Would leave the room all the time but I guess that's better than fighting with her. Of course, I'd her adults wouldn't fight with a kitten, which seemed to be the case but she did still hiss and growl at her quite a bit. Luna for her side, just didn't seem to care and would sometimes run up to her, do things like boop her on the nose and run off. I'm sure that didn't help Bean's mood.

Eventually after a few weeks, as usually happens if you just let it play out, they worked it out with each other. Bean learned that Luna meant no harm to her, wasn't a threat and was here to stay. Luna learned her bounderies with Bean, and how to back off and not be so rambunctious with her. As she calmed down and started to ease into living with us, and started losing that initial new house energy that helped too. Plus the co-mingling of scents on everything they were sharing is something that is important too. We made sure to give Bean a ton of attention during this time so she knew she was as loved as always.

Around the 3rd month of Luna living here, things really started to calm down with them which seems to be rather typical. I remember it took about 3 months for Bean and Casper to come to terms with each other also. Now, it's been 7 months that they are with each other and everything is fine. While they are not cuddly friends nor do they groom each other yet (their age difference is so large, not sure if that will ever happen) they certainly are friends. They do play together at times, touch noses to greet each other, lay near each other, sometimes nap on beds together, and sometimes chase each other around the house. When windows are open they sit nicely together watching birds and smelling the air. We are very happy with their relationship.

So, there's hope and most likely all will be ok. It just will take some time but we're here to help. Most of us have been through it more than once, and will be able to get you over the hiccups when they happen.

Here's a photo of them about a month ago - Bean is the domestic LH Tortie on the floor. Luna, a black Maine Coon, now 10 months and bigger than Cocoabean (although Bean weighs more, our chubby girl LOL)

bean luna.jpg
 
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