New cat mom struggling with major anxiety around cleanliness

maggieb17

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Hi everyone, I’ve just joined after reading a number of “I regret adopting a cat” posts and advice, none of which quite covered what I am struggling with. Please be kind but honest because I am really struggling.

I live with significant anxiety which I have managed for a long time by controlling my apartment cleanliness. I live alone in a tiny studio but I keep it spotless most of the time and (I’ve realized) that really helps me feel in control when my anxiety spikes. Spotting one long hair from my own head causes me to take out the swiffer.

I’ve been contemplating and researching getting a cat for a while and finally took the plunge a little over a week ago. Everyone in my life, including my therapist, felt having a pet would greatly help my anxiety. The cat seemed “perfect”- she was described as sweet and affectionate but independent. She’s very, VERY cute; curious but well behaved, uses her litter box (and the 3 litters I’ve already tried in a week) with no problems.

Unfortunately, I have discovered in this past week that my anxiety not better, but worse because I can no longer control the cleanliness of my environment. After sweeping and mopping multiple times a day the first few days, I went out and bought an expensive vacuum. I vacuumed and mopped again but within an hour felt I couldn’t walk on the bare floors because the (again, very sweet) cat had played on it and also tracked some litter. Now I am vacuuming twice a day.

I’m constantly on edge about where she is sitting or napping so that I can lint roll it or clean it afterward. I’m feeling reluctant to play with her or brush her because I don’t want the fur to get onto my clothes. I’ve washed bedding and other blankets she’s been on twice in a week because she had a few fleas (gave her an OTC treatment and have a first vet appt this week) and my anxiety has me spiraling about getting an infestation.

I thought long and hard about this decision before I adopted and spoke about these concerns with loved ones in my life. Everyone agreed I’d love the cat and realize I didn’t mind the fur, litter, etc. I thought so too but after only a week my anxiety is higher than it has been in a long time because I have lost this coping mechanism of keeping my apartment just so- I didn’t realize the extent to which I was using this to manage my anxiety and feel a sense of control.

Lastly, a new anxiety has popped up which is that this poor cat is not/will not be happy with me. My apartment is small (200 sq feet studio), silent, without natural sunlight. I have windows but they look out onto a fence and a small backyard without much wildlife or other activity. And on top of that I am an owner who is struggling to manage my own anxiety and not really able to give her the genuine affection and attention I think she needs to be happy. To be clear, she is ok- plenty of food, water, she’s sleeping on my bed every night, I brush her daily, play with her in the evenings to help get the zoomies out. I just feel, on top of everything else that I’m struggling with in my own head, that she deserves better and can’t possibly be happy in this environment/with this type of human.

I’m not looking for “of course she’s happy! Give it time!” reassurances. Given that I do not anticipate resolving my anxiety issues or need for excessive cleanliness, AND that at the same time it has been less than two weeks, I would love to hear folks honest thoughts about if and when I should make a decision about taking her back to the rescue org where I got her.
Thank you.
 

susanm9006

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Honestly, it really isn’t about the cat. The cat isn’t going to change and so only you know whether you can live Long term with the discomfort of having less than a perfectly clean living space. If you don’t feel that anxiety will lessen over time, is more than you feel is tolerable or affects your ability to love this cat then it is best to return it.
 

FeebysOwner

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Hi. I completely agree with susanm9006 susanm9006 . But, I do have one question to ask: have you discussed this with your therapist now that you have had the cat with you for almost two weeks? I think you should be curious to know what their assessment is at this point.
 

jefferd18

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Actually you are still in control, you are just working a little harder at it.

I say this because I have a sister who suffers from anxiety along with OCD when it comes to the cleanliness of her home. Being an animal person like the rest of her family there was no way she was going to live without a pet of some kind. She picked a dog- a boxer- and now finds herself scrubbing her floors, vacuuming the rugs and couches, several times a day.

What I am saying is that you are still winning the control battle because you are still on top of the cleaning. I personally think this little feline could teach you a thing or two about control- like being able to let some of it go.
 
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maggieb17

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Hi. I completely agree with susanm9006 susanm9006 . But, I do have one question to ask: have you discussed this with your therapist now that you have had the cat with you for almost two weeks? I think you should be curious to know what their assessment is at this point.
I have an appointment this week to check in about it and am also very anxious in anticipation to get some more perspective and support. Maybe I can check back in with this thread after my appointment.
 
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maggieb17

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Actually you are still in control, you are just working a little harder at it.

I say this because I have a sister who suffers from anxiety along with OCD when it comes to the cleanliness of her home. Being an animal person like the rest of her family there was no way she was going to live without a pet of some kind. She picked a dog- a boxer- and now finds herself scrubbing her floors, vacuuming the rugs and couches, several times a day.

What I am saying is that you are still winning the control battle because you are still on top of the cleaning. I personally think this little feline could teach you a thing or two about control- like being able to let some of it go.
I would love to hear more- how long has your sister had her dog, and did it’s fur/general messes increase her anxiety at first as well? How did it change over time?
 
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maggieb17

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Honestly, it really isn’t about the cat. The cat isn’t going to change and so only you know whether you can live Long term with the discomfort of having less than a perfectly clean living space. If you don’t feel that anxiety will lessen over time, is more than you feel is tolerable or affects your ability to love this cat then it is best to return it.
I agree, she is sweet and just a lovely cat. I think that second part is the hard part- I can’t tell whether this will lessen over time, and I know there’s no magic or prescribed length of time that I should “stick it out” to be able to tell whether it’s right for me to keep her or not.
 

jefferd18

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I would love to hear more- how long has your sister had her dog, and did it’s fur/general messes increase her anxiety at first as well? How did it change over time?

She and her husband have had their current dog for four years. They had a Rhodesian ridge-back and a boxer before this dog. Yes, her dogs caused more anxiety for her when it came to keeping her house neat and clean because not only did they produce fur but boxers also drool a lot, meaning she had to clean her windows on a daily basis as well. Not to mention, dogs smell,( sorry but they do) so that was another challenge for her.

It changed because she was willing to compromise a bit. She loves animals!- so the thought of not having one was not an option for her. So instead of cleaning one time a day, she now cleans several times a day. She has a magic sponge for the fur and a swiffer mop for quick pick- ups- thus making the cleaning a lot easier for her. She takes pride in her home but even she knows that her floors, while not to her complete satisfaction, are spanking clean to anyone else who comes into her home.

The point is, is this is all still very manageable for her. This is not a scenario of dishes piling up in the sink, five kids running around, messes on the floor, and mom is standing there pulling out her hair.

You have to know what works for you. I personally think you are doing a great job of balancing a new kitten and keeping your house clean. But the main thing is- you need to be happy while doing it.
 

EmersonandEvie

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I don't think you need to return her. Unfortunately, with cats, hair is just a way of life. Up the brushing to twice a day. Could you invest in a vacuum robot, like a Roomba, and run it several times per day? As far as the litter goes, think about transitioning her to a low-track litter, like pine pellets (I did this because I too couldn't stand stepping on litter).

Get washable covers for your furniture. Maybe have designated clothes (long sleeves/leggings/etc.) for when you play with her and groom her that you can immediately take off.

Also consider a good air purifier. Your apartment is so small that you could get a decent one for relatively cheap.

I realize that you didn't specifically ask for this, but please consider discussing medication with your therapist. You mentioned that you have controlled your anxiety by controlling the cleanliness in your apartment. You obviously care for and love this cat, so perhaps seeking alternative treatment methods would help ease your mind and allow you to enjoy your new friend.
 
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maggieb17

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Thank you. I have been using “after shower, before bed” cat clothes but even the places she sits (like on the quilt covering the couch, on the throw covering the spot on the bed where she sleeps) cause me anxiety. For example, I can’t dump my clean laundry onto the bed to fold it anymore without first removing the throw blankets covering it. I already owned an air purifier and have a top entry litter box coming this week. I am on litter #3 and it has been the best for smells so far. Hoping the top entry box helps with the scatter- right now she bolts out of the box after using it like she’s being chased by a demon.

I’m just so anxious about the fur sticking to my bare feet (or even my socks or house slippers). I even get anxiety brushing her because of the fur that inevitably flies around (and she insists on rubbing up behind me on my butt during brushing sessions which transfers more fur to me). I have discussed medication before but can definitely bring it up again.
 
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maggieb17

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Hi everyone, wanted to share an update. I did meet with my therapist this morning and together we concluded that right now it’s best that I return this sweet cat because it just isn’t right for me, right now. She is the perfect cat for me in every way *except* that I lose my best coping mechanism and my sense of calm and safe space in the eye of already very challenging current times. I am lucky that the rescue org has been incredibly supportive, she will go back to her former foster human who adores her, and that she is literally so cute, low key, and well behaved that they are not worried about finding another, better home for her. I am feeling a lot of guilt and sadness and will miss her, but also a lot of relief that I made a decision and that she and I both can continue on our journeys to finding what’s right for us.
 

pearl99

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Yes, you did the best for you AND the kitty! It is hard. But being honest about what the situation is and what to do for all involved is a very good thing.
 

Furballsmom

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You sound like such a wonderful caretaker, brushing her, understanding the zoomies for the most part and you had the litter and litterbox situation nearly worked out, I'm wondering if down the road a cat like this might be for you.

The Sphynx Cat
 
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maggieb17

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Ha! Part of why I loved this cat was her very, very, VERY cute face and well, sphynx cats are...not for everyone. I looked at the Rex cats too before giving it a try with a regular ol’ shorthair rescue, but ultimately I didn’t want to go for a bred cat and had hoped to be the right fit for a rescue. I took her back yesterday and cleaned up after I got home and felt My anxiety relieved, but also incredibly sad. She was so wonderful and I am praying for her to find the perfect home and family.
 

Furballsmom

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She was so wonderful and I am praying for her to find the perfect home and family.
Me too :purr: :heartshape:

I have a brief story that might help - some years ago my partner and I adopted a darling calico, but she and he didn't hit it off. She was initially in the main building of a large animal rescue, and I'm sure part of the issue that she didn't relax with him was that she was a little slower at letting go of the stress.

In any case, we did take her back, but the positive of this story is that due to our feedback about her she was put with a foster which was a MUCH better way for her to transition... I've always thought that the way things worked out was somehow, oddly enough, meant to be for her at least as far as my knowledge went. And so, somehow it might be similar here for your sweetie as well, that timing is everything and the totally perfect someone will be there for her, for her whole life.

That's my wish and prayer for her as well :vibes::crossfingers::bouquet:
 
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