Need Help Saying “goodbye”

JT'w/3

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I’m hoping to get advice and/or suggestions from those of you who have gone through the process of saying goodbye to your beloved fur babies. I fear my oldest, Monte (age 18) is getting close to “growing his wings”. On Monday, he started grinding his teeth (more suggesting he’s in pain vs dental as he had extensive dental done last year). The vet confirmed teeth/mouth “look” good and we are still waiting on lab results. Unfortunately, due to his declining health (advanced CKD, extreme weight loss to name a few) he’s probably not a good candidate to sedate for dental X-rays, MRI etc. depending on the labs, we could do body scans, images, etc. if necessary...

I’m hoping I’m prematurely asking this question but I need some help in how to say goodbye? Not necessarily for myself but for Monte’s “shadow”....his little brother Bear who from the moment we brought him home 8 years ago, has never left his big brothers side. They’ve been attached at the tails so to speak. His days revolve around Monte. When he’s scared he literally hides behind Monte. He walks everywhere Monte does so close, they are almost always touching. Monte is the most loving, patient, compassionate Big Brother ever. I could go on and on with the stories.

My dilemma, I’m not quite sure when the time comes, the best way to help Bear deal with the tremendous loss. I know for sure, I can’t just bring Monte to the clinic and never bring him home. I fear if I bring Monte to the clinic and then home, he won’t smell normal, etc. and the closure will not be there?

Another idea is to have a Vet come to our home. I’ve made an appointment for her to visit tomorrow to assess Monte’s state of being and come up with a “Geriatric” plan of care. The lady at the service said they often recommend companions like Bear be present during the “procedure” as it helps with closure. I’m not sure how I feel about that not to mention Bear is scared of everything so he’ll probably be hiding under the bed anyway. I was thinking that after Monte “Crosses the Bridge” and the Vet left, Bear would eventually come out from under the bed and see Monte....I’m know how lucky I have to have had such a sweet boy in my life for such a long time and I know with time I will heal, I just need some help with the little “shadow” Bear....

Have any of you had experiences that you could share that might be helpful? Ideas? Anything?
 

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susanm9006

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My girl Murphy was 19 years old with cancer in her lungs and two paws. Her vet had suggested euthanasia a few months earlier but I wasn’t ready. And when she left I didn’t want it to be after a scary trip to the vet. So when she reached the point where I could tell each step was painful I set up a home vet visit. I made Murohy a special lunch, and we sat for a couple hours in her favorite position, tucked up under my chin with my lips pressed to her forehead. Then I turned the furnace up high so she could curl up on the register, her next favorite place while I greeted the vet. She was a lovely lady and she walked me through the process - an injection to send her into a sleep state and then when I was ready a second to stop her heart. After the first I was able to take Murphy off to a different room, to sing her her favorite song and cuddle her to sleep so that would be her last memory. When I was ready I took her back to the vet who gave her the second injection. It was peaceful, she never woke. I also appreciated the care the vet took to gently wrap her up and take her away. While it was very sad I knew that it was absolutely the best thing for her and that it could not have been done more gently.

The cost of the home vet was about $300 and worth every penny.
 

FeebysOwner

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Hi. I am sorry that you are going through this with Monte and Bear! My heart breaks for all 3 of you. I have absolutely no experience with this, but wanted to offer some articles about such a situation, in case there is anything in them that might help. One of the articles talks about a pet loss group, and maybe by joining one, they would have very specific ideas that have worked for their members.

7 Ways to Help Your Cat Through a Grieving Period | Catster

How to Help Cats Cope with the Loss of Your Other Pets

Do Cats Grieve? Do They Mourn the Loss of a Companion?

Yes, Cats Do Grieve When Another Cat Dies

Sorry if I have inundated you with too much information - just want to help in any little way I can.
 

neely

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I'm deeply sorry you may have to make a painful decision soon for Monte. :hugs:
I thought this thread that discusses cats grieving might be helpful for you regarding Bear missing him: Cats Grieving

Sending special thoughts and hugs your way. :vibes::vibes::vibes:
 

lsanders

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We put Albus (the tuxie in my profile photo) to sleep a year ago April 5th. We think he was about 14, we'd had him for ten years. He was diagnosed with lung cancer a couple months prior.

We'd been having our vet come to our house for the previous year and a half or so because he HATED going to the vet, and it got worse and more stressful for everyone as he got older. When the time came to put him to sleep, the vet came to the house and it was so much better than how I remember going to the vet with my family when I was a kid. Albus was less stressed (no worse than he was from just feeling crappy), and we were able to grieve in private, as much time as we wanted. So I highly recommend that.

Albus and Luna, the black cat in that photo, while not related by blood, were like brother and sister. They were best friends, no real fighting (just play fighting) and Albus was her protector- she was really shy and it took years for her to trust me and my husband (and she still doesn't trust me as much because I'm the one who gets to do all the medicine dispensing, claw clipping, the vet visits before the vet started coming to our house. But same as yours- always touching, always together, Luna literally behind him when she was scared.

When the day came, we made sure Luna spent some time with him before the vet got there. She ran and hid when the vet got there, of course (or maybe we locked her in a bathroom so we could bring her to him after he had passed?), but we made sure to bring her to Albus after it was done, so she could sniff him. From what I've heard, they can sort of understand what's going on. She let us hold her for a few moments, sniffed him, then ran off.

I really think that as soon as the next day, it was like she stepped up to fill his spot. She's still shy and skittish with other people, but my husband and I really think her personality has bloomed since then. I don't think she was being repressed or anything, but she started getting all the attention...until we adopted two five month old brothers last August....they mostly get along, but that's for another post.

If you need any advice about knowing when it's the right time...when we knew Albus was getting close, I read a lot of articles online, and one thing I read that stuck with me was "Better to do it a week too early than an hour too late." When you know they're getting progressively worse with no possibility of improvement, and they're pain or one of their major quality of life factors- mobility, eating/drinking, litter box usage, grooming, etc.- becomes difficult or impossible and they're suffering as a result, it's time. Even when you logically know that, that you're doing the right thing, the humane thing, giving yourself permission to make that decision is the worst. It took a voicemail from a close friend who's had to do this several times, telling me that we would know when it was time and that it was ok to do it...several days later was when we knew.

Albus had been having trouble getting into the litterbox all the way, and would end up having accidents on the floor. While it was annoying, we were dealing with it. That morning, as my husband I were walking out the door to go to work, we heard him go in the litterbox and we decided to wait a minute to clean up the mess right away. Then we realized that he was too exhausted to get back out of the litterbox, and he he just laid down in the box. Who knows how long he would have laid there, and it was just going to keep happening since we couldn't always be there when he went in the box. *Sigh*

Either way, it's still an awful thing to go through, but it's the most humane thing to do, and a year out, Luna seems to be doing ok. Thinking good thoughts for you and your kitties. May whatever time you have left with him be peaceful. <3
 
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