My Little Bad Ass Is Gone

[alphagrrl]

My beautiful orange panther died in my arms this morning. His story started in my "Oh. No." thread. I can't finish the ending right now because I can't stop crying. I've been crying for about 12 hours now, and it's exhausting. I will post more details later.

 

[Furballsmom]

RIP you wonderful orange sweetheart!

Maybe this will help;

Grieving

 

[DaphnesMommy]

I am so sorry for your loss. May your beautiful baby rest in peace.

 

[les26]

I am so sorry for your loss, he looks like our Simba, very handsome boy. But he is fine now, it is you who is hurting, I have had some die in my arms too and it is a very tragic and traumatic experience, but with time you will be glad that you were able to hold him and send him on his journey to the next life, in time.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, Lord Bless you.....

 

[1 bruce 1]

We love them badass cats, don't we?
His expression in each photo says it all. This cat was bad ass, he knew it but had no reason to flaunt it (what cat that goes from bad ass to bully would be caught cuddling cute little tabby with a camera in view? Probably none.)
I'm so sorry.
I have a few cats I consider bad ass myself, mainly the two that have the worst possible health problems out of the entire tribe. It's unfair, and it sucks.
Shoot us an update when you can. You feel alone now, but trust me/everyone else here, we've all been there, and we'll all be there again. It's the only part of having pets that absolutely sucks.
Hang in there. You're among cat people, and cat people who happen to be friends.

 

[Saber_Wing]

I'm so sorry for your lost. It'll always hurt, but it'll get a little easier. You're among friends. RIP, gorgeous boy

 

[Antonio65]

I'm sorry for your loss, I fully understand your pain now and the difficulty of writing his story.
Do it when you are ready, we'll be here for you, waiting for you.
Take care!

 

[di and bob]

The only thing that helps is time. Time to bring a little distance between us and all that hurt. In the beginning it consumes us, it is all we think of and it takes over our lives and sucks out any joy we have in living. It is called grief..... It will do this until you understand that the joy, the love you both shared will always be with you, it may have changed form, but because it is spiritual it is eternal. Do not let death win. The bond you built over the years with that sweet boy is much stronger. "Death cannot take that which never dies", and your love never will. Just as you would want for him if you were the first to go, he wants no different for you. He wants you to remember him with joy, with happiness. Not sadness and tears. Don't let those last moments destroy what he gave you over the years. Those thoughts and memories are treasures to carry with you into the future, to bring you comfort when you need it the most. We can never change the past, but we can help form the future by bringing the love he gave you to the front, letting it spread and bloom, by sharing what he taught you with others. Do not drown it in tears and hide it under the darkness of grief.
My heart goes out to you. I'll pray for you both and keep you in my thoughts. Be strong, grief will overwhelm you if you let it.Let his precious memories of happier times bring you comfort instead. Take care, we are here for you.......RIP dear Lil Bad Ass. You know you were loved, you know you will never be forgotten. Please help mama through all this pain she has been going through, you will be her angel to pray to when she needs strength. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Norachan]

I'm so sorry alphagrrl We're here if you want to tell us more about it, but if that hurts you too much it's OK. Please know that we all understand how you're feeling.

He was a gorgeous, special boy. Rest In Peace Lil Bad Ass.

 

[Shining Star]

He looks like tigger. We had to put him down because he was always sick so I do understand and I've got your back.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Sweet Friend, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

My heart with yours, just as his heart is with yours, forever.

 

[alphagrrl]

Thank you all for the replies. Here goes. The story of Little Bad Ass starts here Oh. No. and ends here.

I’m finally posting what happened, even though I really have no idea what happened. It was just another horrible morning, almost exactly like when I lost Black Kitty back in May 2016. I still wonder about BK, and now I had to go through it all over again. I already lost two other cats this year -- LBA’s brother Blackie 1 in Feb and another brother Blackie2 in Aug. This is just too much! I cannot stop thinking for all of them that I should’ve done something when I didn’t. No matter what I do, it seems wrong.

I was forced to move earlier this month, and out of the five remaining cats I had befriended (and abandoned three of them), I only brought LBA and his kitten with me. All the stress in the past few months nearly caused me to have a breakdown, but I’m still trying to get through it. I was just beginning to settle in the new house, and I had visions of LBA becoming the best of friends with my Max. I was planning to take him and Kitty Baby to the vet for checkups as soon as things settled down.

LBA seemed to be getting along fine. His appetite was good, his bad ass personality was coming back out, and he was getting more talkative when he saw me. He discovered his favorite place in his new room was on top of a tall cabinet that I kept their food in.

I let Max in and out of the ‘cat room’ several times to see what would happen, but they barely looked at each other. So that was a very good thing, and I hoped it wouldn’t take long before they could hang out together, and Max could teach LBA how to be an indoor kitty. But LBA didn’t even get to see the whole house. I let him into the kitchen and living room area once, but it was all too strange for him, and he went back to the cat room. I start to cry when I think about that, because he didn’t get to see that it was all going to be OK.

Thurs evening on Oct 18 was when I noticed LBA was a little off. His appetite was still ok, but he just looked tired and wasn’t quite himself. The cat room doesn’t have A/C, only a ceiling fan, so I put a big standing fan in there that night because it’s still been pretty hot here. I left him alone for the most part and didn’t try to force him to play or move around. The next few days he was about the same and didn’t seem any worse, so I just thought he was still stressed from moving and all.

After BK, I should have known better, and I should’ve done something! Sunday LBA was really not feeling well at all, and he wouldn’t eat unless I fed him from my hand. He was still drinking, and I think he was using the litter box. But he just wanted to lay in his bed. I said if he wasn’t better by the next morning, I was going straight to the vet.

When I got up about 6:30am on Mon Oct 22, LBA was still lying in his bed where I’d left him the night before. He was awake and alert, considering, but he was definitely not interested in food or water. I made him get up so I could check him out, but he didn’t want me to hold him, and he just wanted to get right back in his bed. His breathing didn’t seem labored, but then he started that God-awful howling. If you’ve ever heard it, you’ll never forget it. I haven’t forgotten it from two years ago, and I never wanted to hear it again. Once he started that, I knew he didn’t have a chance. I’d been here before. I didn’t want him to leave me, but I still prayed that he would go quickly. He didn’t. I sat there crying with him for an hour. When he howled about every 10 minutes, he was really just not there. He came out of it only once, and I wrapped my arms around him and rubbed his face and told him how much I loved him and what a very good boy he was. (He loved for me to rub his belly when he laid on his back, and I always said YOU ARE A GOOD BOY! SUCH A GOOD BOY!) That moment only lasted about 5 minutes, but I made sure he knew I was there and that I loved him SO much. Then he was out of it again and never came back. His breathing got slower and the howling got further apart, so I knew it wouldn’t be much longer. At one point his front legs stiffened up for a few minutes but then relaxed again. That didn’t happen with BK. I know my baby had to be in pain, but all I could do was be there. The vet wouldn’t be open for another hour, and I didn’t want him to die on a cold table surrounded by strangers. It was BK all over again. I kept petting him and talking to him for probably 15 minutes after he was gone. The strange thing was his eyes didn’t go cloudy like BK’s did. So of course I tried to tell myself that he wasn’t really gone yet. But he was. I knew he was. Then I really fell apart.

I didn’t make it to work that day. I’ve already missed so much time, but I could barely function and didn’t want to face anyone. I called my daughter, and she came over and helped me bury LBA. She had buried Blackie1 at her house and asked if I wanted him to be beside his brother. I said no, I wanted him to be here with me at his new house that he never got to enjoy. He’s right at the end of my patio, so I can see him when I look out the back window. My daughter bought some wood letters that I’m going to put down – L B A. I colored them bright orange yesterday.

It’s just not fair. It’s just not. My daddy once told me he loved how much I cared for animals, but he said I cared too much sometimes. I told him I will always care too much sometimes.

This has really messed me up. LBA loved me more than all the other ferals combined, and I wanted to teach him that he could be happy living indoors permanently. When I look at that first picture at the beginning of this post, my heart cracks into pieces. That was the first picture I took of him when he crawled out from under my shed in Mar 2017. That look on his face is a mixture of “I don’t really know what’s going on here” and “It doesn’t matter. I’m going to conquer the world!” I wish he’d had the chance to do just that.

You were supposed to be Max’s best friend, my Little Bad Ass! R(un) in peace with your brothers, my sweet pile of orangeness! I LOVE YOU!!!

 

[solomonar]

Cats dont show pain, you know. Their metabolism is not known, to be honest. We just assume that since they are mammals, they should run by the same chemistry as humans, for instance.

This is not true. Every single species has its own metabolism. In case of domestic animals, we do not care much except for keeping them alive to the moment we turn them in food.

Mother Nature has Her own paths, and Her logic is beyond our understanding.

I will give it a try: supposing LBA would succeed in passing its genome to litter and supposing he had a genetic failure in his code, that would lead to much more pain and to disaster in many other kitties health along the way. In this Life everything has a Reason.

====

People like You love cats so much. This love is to last for ever. I saw cats in horrible circumstances, nobody being there to pet them and nobody ever sending them a single sign of Love during their entire life. First step on the journey back to Home-Cloud is a time of sorrow, but there are things much more painful than you can imagine and I hope you will never know. Both in cats in humans.

My tears for Human Guardian and my wishes of an wonderful pair of wings for the Orange Cat - Little Bad Ass!

 

[Bella's Mommy]

I'm very sorry for your loss i'm sure he knew you loved him very much

 

[rubysmama]

Oh, Little Bad Ass. I loved your attitude when your Mom first started talking about you in her Oh. No. thread and you became my favourite the night you escaped from the bathroom. I'm so sorry your adventures have ended so soon. RIP sweet boy.

alphagrrl : So sorry. I hope this is the end of loss and sadness in your life for a long time.

 

[DET_CAT_DAD]

Thank you for sharing your story and for caring for these cats. I never had pets growing up so when I adopted my first cat, Ralph, almost two years ago with my wife, my life started going down a totally different path. Something changed inside me and I knew I had to do whatever I could to care for cats in need. We now have four inside our condo. Just two weeks ago, we trapped our first outdoor cat and brought him inside. Herman is clearly an abandoned stray. He is going to the vet tomorrow to get vetted and to schedule his neutering. Someday I hope to open my own cat rescue or cat sanctuary. It's people like you and people in this online community that are truly an inspiration to me. We care for these little creatures that many others refuse to help and some even want to hurt. I'm sure it's absolutely devastating to lose one, or multiple cats like you have. Please know that your efforts are not in vain. You are making a difference and inspiring others to do the same, like me, just by reading your story on here. I'm so sorry for this loss and your other previous losses. You did change his life though and please continue to make a difference in other stray/feral lives.

 

[di and bob]

What you went through with LBA, I know exactly what you went through it could have been written by me with my precious Burt. That awful howl, you are right, I will never forget it....But you were with him, you were there for him, offering comfort, and support, and most of all your love. None of us want to see our precious babies go through this, but I also agree with you, I had promised him i would not bring him to the vet, I would not bring more fear into his life. He went in the arms of those he loved, with prayers and tears to accompany him. Your sweet baby already had everything he ever wanted, because he had you. Yes your heart is broken, and it will have more heartache in your life. Because you DO care, you do love. And that is so much more important., what you gave those little ones in your life is priceless. If you don't care and love them, who will? I know it hurts, it hurts so very much.... but the gifts of your memories and the blessings to your soul will keep them alive forever, through that love which you will always carry in your heart. Because "death cannot take that which never dies' and your love for them never will......

 

[alphagrrl]

Thank you all for your words of comfort. Today I discovered I had some pics still in my camera. I needed this one for sure. I was an avid photographer (100+ pics a week usually), but I realized I hadn't even picked it up since the end of July.

 

[di and bob]

Beautiful, looks like he's laughing!

 

[Antonio65]

The true spirit of a cat!