My Flower Petal Returned to the Sky

kittyprincesss

Loving Mother of a Flower Petal
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September 16th 2020, 4:02PM


The day my world split in half. My sweet slice of sunshine, love, peace, and comfort. She fought for almost three years, between either Lymphoma or a severe case of IBD, Hyperthyroidism, Kidney Disease, Anemia, Heart Murmur, and Diabetes (which she fought twice and went into remission). She spent her entire life with me, she was born in my closet. We had two litters at the same time and she picked me the moment we met each other. We both just knew. I think that in our previous lives we've switched roles of mother and daughter, and thats why I care so heavily for her and why I know her like the back of my hand. I sense her in the middle of the night when she gets up, and I'll wake up. She senses when I'm sad and need her. We just understand each other. We never needed words, our love for each other was endless and unconditional. She was mine. She was my guidance when I was lost. She was the comfort when I would cry and be anxious. Whether it was always sleeping with me, running after me to keep me company in the bathroom, or welcoming me at the door when I got home with a loud meow telling me she missed me. She was never just a cat. She was always ethereal, and unreal. She always would be waiting at the door for me when she heard my voice. She always knew how to make me feel better, feel loved, feel admired, feel special, feel whole. My arms miss her so much. My lips miss her small patch of bare for skin between her nose and forehead. My fingers miss the curve of her spine, her cold ears. My side misses the way she would curl and fit into it so seamlessly...like it was made for her and her only. My eyes miss her eyes. My ears miss her sweet sounds. My heart misses how full she made it. My hands miss holding her face and stroking her perfect little cheekbones. My body is aching and hurting and grieving so badly. There is no part of me that can accept the fact that I will never be able to hold her precious, dainty, little four pound body. Her last night Earthside, she spent it curled in my neck, yearning for me with her tiny sweet paws. My nose misses her smell, the smell of only her, a smell I wish I could have turned into perfume. She gave my life purpose, she gave me meaning. I spent almost three years tending to all of her medical needs, taking her to specialists no matter the cost. I would have spent every single penny I had to save her if I could have. I don't want to be in a world without my other half. The world is dark, grey, and being awake hurts. Being awake means I have to come to terms with her being gone. I keep thinking she will come back to me. I miss my baby bee, my insides feel so cold and black. I can't accept the fact that I will never be with my babygirl again. I kiss her clay paw prints, trying so hard to envision them being her hands. She loved the sun, she was just like me. My seasonal depression gets awful when its the winter and fall months because the sun goes away. Her last hours we spent them together, staring into each others eyes, my hand on the side of her face. She was warmth. She was everything pure in this world, undeserving of all the pain her illnesses caused. I wanted to heal her so badly. I held her up when she could no longer support her frail body. I woke up every 2 hours to feed her. I carried her when she could no longer walk. She was my one and only focus. I am lost. I lost my guidance. I lost my baby of over 15 years. Is she missing me? Is she scared? Is she anxious? I was her stability, she was my stability. She was strength. Strength was the definition of her. She fought so hard. She fought right up to the time we laid her to rest in our home. She deserved more, I wish I could have given her more. There is so much guilt within my heart. I chose to send her over the Rainbow Bridge. After a few days of being so weak and tired, I set her free from her sick, failing, body. Everywhere I look, I see her. She is everywhere around me, every place has a memory tied to her. She made me who I am today, she prevented me from harming myself so many times. She was my antidepressant, my anti anxiety medication, she was my safe place. She visited me in my dream the night she passed away. There is no way to say how deeply I loved her. From the top of her small head, down to her tiny little paws. I don't want to forget her smell, the feeling of her weight on my body, I hate falling asleep without her curled into my side. The only way I can sleep is clutching her blanket and rolling it up into something resembling her small body. My arms don't know what to do now that she's gone. No words can explain how deeply I needed her. What do I do now that she is gone? I wrapped her up and placed her in a basket before she was taken away to be cremated, kissing her before I sent her off to the rainbow bridge. There is nothing like this pain that comes from losing my other half. When the sun shines, I see her and feel her. I close my eyes and can feel her in my hands. I miss you my sweet girl. I am so proud of you for fighting so hard, for so long. Mommy wishes she could be with you physically. You will never be alone. You will never have to be scared. You will never be in pain again. I hope you are waiting in the sun for me, I hope you aren't mad at me for letting you rest. Please don't hate me, please please don't hate me. I love you. I love you too much to have let you stay in that sick body. You deserved to be able to play, chew your food, walk to the litter box, and climb up onto the windowsill to sunbathe. Your dad misses you so much. Even when you had no energy left, you ran to your dad when he came home so you could lay in his lap. You were determined no matter how weak you felt. Please don't forget about us. Please don't. You took most of my heart and being when you left us. You were a part of me for so long I don't know what pieces are me anymore, its all blurred and all I know is us. I still come home expecting to see you in your pink blanket, resting so soundly. I still wake up thinking you are next to me. My arm is empty from not having you here to be protected with. I can't bring myself to throw away your medicine bottles or your syringes. If I throw them away it means that you really are gone. I will never be able to find another you.
You blessed me with being my girl.
You are my reason.
I love you. I promise I will see you again.
I promise I will keep you safe.
Mommy will never let anything hurt you.
I will protect you for eternity.
 

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di and bob

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What a beautiful, heartfelt tribute! The tears flow here too because I felt the same for my tiny girl, my Chrissy. The bond you have with that beautiful girl is incredibly strong. Do not be surprised at all if she tries to communicate with you. It could be in your dreams, a hair left on the counter, and a dramatic shooting star in December while I was crying to the heavens,like my Chrissy. Be watchful, it can be very subtle, and she would come to you when you are so down, to tell you she is OK.......
That bond is spiritual, so eternal. She will always be tied to your soul, forever as close as your thoughts and prayers. Though you will always yearn for that sweet touch, to gaze into that beautiful face, you will have your memories to rely on to bring you comfort in the years ahead.
The past is gone and set in stone, we only have the present and the promise of a future to go about our lives. But none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow. Just as you would want for her if you were the first to go, she wants for you... a life filled with happiness and the promise of new loves to add to her own, to help it build nd bloom, to never replace, because that could never be, but to rest alongside her own nestled in your loving soul.
Try to concentrate on her beautiful life, the love you shared. Not her end. do not make her end more important than that wonderful life, that could never be. Celebrate having known and loving her. To sharing a good portion of your life with her. Not meeting her at all would have been impossible to think of. It hurts so bad now, but to have never known that sweet love would hurt more. Your hurt and pain are equal to your love. It is YOUR love, no one could share that love as you have because it is personal and as different as each and every snowflake. Though no one can take that pain away, it is comforting to know others have stood in your shoes and survived. We will stand by you and share that pain, because we have been there, we have suffered and come out the other side. It seems impossible right now, but only time helps with matters of the heart. Only time will soften the sharp edges of grief.
Please don't feel guilt at all. You gave that girl her everything and she knows it. You have to have intent to do harm to feel guilt, and all you ever wanted was to love her. She is at peace because of that love. She is safe, she will always be close. Her love will never die, just as your will be with your forever. "Death cannot take that which never dies", and that is your love. Remember that.
My heart goes out to you. Your pain is my pain. Nothing can help right now, you are grieving and it has to be what it is. It is something you will never get over, but you learn to live with. I didn't think I could either, but it helps to offer comfort to others who are going through the same emotions and pain. The suffering helping others who suffer. Do something that would help you feel better about yourself. Make a monetary donation to your local shelter, or bring in some much-needed supplies. Maybe comfort the homeless cats there that so desperately need to know they are wanted. And do it in your little girl's name.
Take care of yourself, distract your grief by getting through the next hour, the next day, the next year. One day at a time.......RIP beautiful girl, Flower Petal. You will never be forgotten, you will forever have a secure place in loving hearts. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!
 
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Mamanyt1953

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Rest you gentle, Precious Petal, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on your mama's heart forever.

Oh, no, she is not alone, or afraid, or hurting. She has passed through the Gate between This Adventure and her Next Great Adventure, passed over the Rainbow Bridge to That Place Where All Things Are Known. She'll have lots of company, we have so many cats there now. And I suspect, knowing my father, that he spends a lot of time with them all. I'll tell him to keep a special lookout for your girl! I will tell you a thing, though...that love never dies, it changes form and continues on, still Love. Her love for you, translated and purified into Love, she sends back to you now, where it will remain until you join her. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.
 

les26

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I am so so sorry that you lost your sweet, precious little girl, you two were so joined together, it was a love story....

Yes, the grief can be overwhelming, we feel 100% responsible for them that when they pass we feel that we should've done more or done something different or seen it coming, but we did what we knew and thought was best at the time, the second guessing is just the grief that has ahold of you and it will play many mental and physical games with you until it slowly starts to subside, but when they pass we too feel like we also will die and don't half care if we do, but know that she had a WONDERFUL life thanks to you, you could NOT have done anything more than you did, and she knows that and when you meet again one day she will tell you so.....

I also had anxiety issues as well as depression many years ago and I have found that when going through intense grief like this the homeopathic remedy Ignatia Amara helps a lot, little pills that you put under your tongue with no side effects, inexpensive and they work. Also the herb Holy Basil which helps you deal with stress, fish oil and L-Tryptophan for the mood too but of course if you are on any medication you must check with your doctor and pharmacist to see if there are any issues if you would take these but I don't think so but I am not a doctor and I don't take any meds so taking these only helps me. The other things that will help are time, time starts to heal the wound, but grieving takes time but just cry if you have to or get mad or get sad but let it happen, it does go away faster once we let it go rather than try to suppress it, holding it in only makes it worse so although it hurts like hell just try to endure it and embrace it, and it will lose it's hold on you with time.

I know how you feel, I have witnessed many pass over the years and when Sylvester goes I don't know how I will be able to handle it, I know what to say and do and take like I just said but I fear when he passes I will be a train wreck, and no matter how hard I try to prepare myself for it I don't think I will be very good when that day does come, so I understand how you are feeling, we all do, please respond back here often as there are many caring people on here to help you.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven" :rbheart:

I am so sorry for your loss, I hope that your heart starts to heal a bit more each day, she is fine now, just fine, healthy and happy and when you meet again it will be wonderful, Lord Bless you.....:alright: :grouphug2: :rbheart:
 

daftcat75

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Born in your closet? That's amazing! Can we see kitten pictures?

There's little I can say to comfort you right now. This is the worst pain and it will be for awhile. Try to be gentle with yourself on the ifs, shoulds, and regrets. None of them matter anymore.

When you're ready, creating slideshow videos or a photo scrapbook will help you remember the love and joy even when the sadness is crushing.

I had a 8"x8" photo tile made for my Krista at Shutterfly. I plan to make two or three more and create a photo wall.
Shutterfly: Photo Books, Cards, Prints, Wall Art, Gifts, Wedding

I made this slideshow video out of photos and videos from our trip to the dentist to get her remaining teeth extracted (tooth resorption.)

All of this is to help me remember the love and joy we shared even through all the sadness and pain of the loss. One day I hope thoughts of her bring more joy than sorrow. I wish nothing less for you too.
 

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