My cat has passed and I desperately need help...

keolvera

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warning: this is long, but please help. you can skip to the "how he passed" part. im not diagnosed but i believe i have depression, anxiety and ocd with intrusive thoughts, and i've never experienced loss before.

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This was Baby Kitty Bo Bitty, I got him in 2011 for Xmas. He was already 2 years old, declawed in his front paws as my mom had picked him up from a PetSmart. When she was walking out to her car a lady stopped her and offered her $200 cash and said, "My daughter's dying from cancer and she really wants a talking cat," but my mom thought it was weird the lady waited until she was out in the parking lot to ask so she said no. I was 14 when she came home with him, and he wasn't my first pet by any means, but he was the first I wanted to devote myself to him completely as his mommy and he my Baby.

For almost 4 years, it was just me and Kitty. This was his personality:
  • he was LOUD. ALWAYS meowing for pets, or at doors (we had to install 3 cat doors throughout the house), or sometimes meowing for nothing which is when I'm not proud to admit I would yell at him to STFU. But he talked so much it really felt like a conversation
  • he used to be indoor/outdoor until he seemed to develop arthritis (nothing vets were concerned about) and couldn't jump on counters/tables anymore
  • would lead me on walks outside and meow behind his shoulder to make sure I followed, and would run to the door if I yelled Kitty, he knew it was time to come back in
  • didn't hate car rides and was very social at the vet
  • no zoomies, not very playful, just really needy for attention from anyone--got alone with strangers, children
  • obsessive groomer, daily hairballs or throw-up from eating wet food too fast which he LOVED. any can being opened had him running mreow mraow
  • would eat/lick anything off my finger but loved yogurt, beans, cheese, chicken, potatoes, eggs etc. liked his water from a cup and on the table like a human
  • "fluffed" me on my arms, tummy, thigh, cheek to show me I really was his mommy. especially as he got older, he "pet" me as much as I pet him
  • was the "alpha" cat to my grandpa's dog, my sister's cat, and our future cats--kitty ruled the house
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In 2015 I wanted him to have a friend other than me, so I adopted a kitten from a litter off the streets, named him Jax and they became best friends and cuddle buddies. In 2018 I moved in with my fiance who had cats Miss Kitty and Graves, who then had kittens, Zebra and Princess. Not all of these cats got along with each other, but they all got along with Kitty. Kitty was "grandpa" who gave them all kisses and baths, and was the center of cuddles. I had six babies but Kitty was my favorite, he was my priority, he was to be protected at all costs. No more butt spankings because his hips weren't what they used to be. No more play time with the other cats because they all had claws and muscle on them while Kitty was sitting at a healthy 9lbs--the rest all 10 and to 13.

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My family would joke that Kitty's almost 12 years old now, how come he's not dead yet? Or, it looks like he's going blind...His whiskers had turned white, he was starting to struggle jumping on the bed. But the vet told me he looked so good for his age, and I knew indoor cats could live to 20. And I never thought Kitty wouldn't. I thought I'd lose him another 8 years from now, peacefully in his sleep. But he'd have been there to meet my children, and they would've loved him like I did. I would spend any amount of money and effort to keep him as long as I could.

So this is how he passed away too soon on Saturday May 29th 2021:
For me, the day started Friday at 9 pm, when I was woken up early by my fiance an hour early before my overnight shift. He sprained his ankle walking our dog, a 4 year old female mixed/Husky breed we had just adopted that Monday. He asked me to help ice his ankle and get him pain meds, so I can't remember petting Kitty. I asked if he wanted to me to call in, but he said he would drive through the pain because we needed the money. We had just signed off on a house and are in the process of closing.

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I know that he kept the dog in her cage all night, and Kitty kept him company, "fluffing" his ankle and sleeping by his side all night. I got off work at 7am and received a ride home from a coworker. My fiance was working from home but his ankle hurt too bad to do anything but work at the computer. First thing I did was walk the dog who within the first 5 minutes had made me fall down a muddy hill and almost dislocate my shoulder because of a squirrel. I laughed it off because I was just glad I held onto her leash while I fell.

When I got back inside, I had a sort of argument with my fiance about money. I remember petting Kitty who got irritated with another cat and left, but by the time he came back for more pets I was busy on my phone and pushed him away. Pet him again a bit in the bathroom, but I needed to feed the dog and clean. I fed the dog wet food in a bowl, then some dry food by hand. When a cat got close to us, the dog tried to body block me and eat faster. So at this point I was aware she was protective of her food, but I thought it only meant she would eat faster. In the five days we had her, she hardly acknowledged the cats. Even when Kitty and some other cats slapped her, she hadn't reacted. We were told she didn't get along with other dogs, but she seemed to be respectful to the cats. Kitty even let her get close to him and stopped hiding.

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While I cleaned, the dog seemed to sniff around for more food. I remembered the day before she ate so fast she threw up, so I wanted to make sure she was being fed extra. I couldn't give her the rest of the wet food since she needed it for dinner, so I planned to give her another handful of dry. I know Kitty went to the litter box, got some water and was cleaning himself around this time. He had been following me since he heard the can being opened.

I had the oven turned on for my dinner (at 9 in the morning), I was planning to make my fiance food, do laundry because my clothes had gotten muddy in the fall, but the dog was being so cute so I took out a handful of dry food and put it on the floor in front of her. I should've hand fed it like I had been, but I was just trying to multitask. Some of the food spread out on the floor near Kitty and another cat.

I had the thought in my head to push Kitty away from the food. I thought about it making him sick, or that I should get him some food of his own at that moment instead of in a bit. But I felt bad because all week we had to hide the cat food during the day, and Kitty couldn't jump on the counters like the other cats where the food had been kept. So I let him stay smelling at the food.

The dog started to eat but stopped. I thought it was because maybe she wasn't hungry, or didn't like it being all over the floor. But she turned to kitty, back to her food. No growl, no bark, no warning. I thought she would just eat faster, or walk away. And I had that thought to pull Kitty away, but I didn't. I didn't sense the danger.

In an instant the dog had jumped on Kitty. My heart dropped, I started screaming, and I pulled at whatever part of the dog I could to try to pull or push her away. I could feel but I couldn't see because I was so scared to. When I finally saw, my fiance said maybe 15 seconds had passed. He rushed to us as fast as he could with his injury. Threw the dog in her cage.

Kitty was on the floor having a seizure. It's the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. There was hardly any blood or signs of external injury. His limbs were contorted like he struggled to move, he was in shock, his mouth and eyes were wide open. He hadn't meowed once during the attack. I picked him up and we rushed to a vet clinic that was right across the street. A 2 minute drive max. They took him in immediately and said they didn't have all the equipment but they would stabilize him so we could get him to an emergency vet.

It all happened in less than 20 minutes. We had to drive back to the house to turn off the gas stove. Fill out the forms for payment and to bring him back if he crashed. They had said there was no bleeding in the lungs or chest, that the scratch was running from his mouth to his cheek and he would need surgery and it looked good. But by the time we returned from the house again, less than 10 minutes...they said there was nothing that could be done. He had internal bleeding in his brain. One pupil was much larger than the other, his eye was bulging out of its socket from the pressure. He would most likely die on the 20 minute trip to the nearest emergency clinic. It would be cruel and inhumane not to put him out of his misery.

I don't know what happened... if he went into cardiac arrest, or the dog banged his head really hard. He didn't look that bad on the outside...and we asked three times if the vets were sure. I pet him and said goodbye to him and I'm sorry. Even in so much pain, he curled his paws like he would fluff me if he could. I pet him until his paws stopped moving and I said a thousand I love you's and then I let them let him pass.

I've been in shock since then. And I keep having thoughts of regret that come and go or get worse. So many things I could've done differently, that would mean he's still here today. He was meant to live to 20.
  • why did we get a dog?? we already had 6 cats but my fiance wanted a husky. why didn't we wait until we moved into the house? we were going to build a fence in the backyard and keep the cat food out but hidden
  • he wanted a husky puppy from a store why didn't i just let him get one? why did i insist on saving a dog from the shelter? they had other puppies there, he wanted a husky so why didn't we just wait for one?
  • why didn't i just handfeed the dog like i was originally going to do? why did i allow a situation for her to become defensive over her food? why did i let kitty in that situation? he was so old and had no claws
  • WHY DID I GET SUCH A BIG DOG WHEN HE WAS SO OLD?
  • why didn't i pull kitty away when the dog stopped eating to look at him? why did i wait for a growl or a bark? why didn't i just KNOW
  • why didn't i pull kitty and get him his own food? he was hungry thats why he was there? why was i putting him last?
  • why did i blank during the attack? why didn't i grab the dogs collar, or shove my hand in her mouth? ANYTHING TO MAKE HER DROP KITTY. why didn't i research what to do? why was i so scared all i could do was pull on her and scream?
  • why didn't we drive away as soon as the vet said they didn't have all the equipment? why did we waste time there? maybe we could've made it to the emergency clinic in time? why didn't we try even though they said he'll probably die in the car ride? why was i so scared for him to die in my arms i didn't even try?
And the worst of all of it is that Friday I had been awful to Kitty. I'd been awful to him all week, because I had been putting attention on the new dog instead of him. And that Friday I had woken up with a terrible head/neck ache that only worsened throughout the day. Kitty was yelling up and down the hallways I didn't know what about, I yelled at him 3 times to STFU, when he wanted pets I wouldn't let him on my lap because I was busy on the computer. When he meowed too much we had a habit of locking him in my sister's room and I did that, but I really just wanted him to stop I think I asked in my head for some peace and quiet. It feels like I asked for him to be gone. I'm remembering all the bad thoughts and thinking I wanted it to happen. That I didn't save him because he annoyed me the day before.

I didn't end that Friday annoyed with him. He slept by me and got some pets and I apologized to him before I went to bed and said, "I love you, Kitty, I'm sorry I yelled," and I promised him, "Don't be afraid of the dog she's gonna protect us." He didn't spend the night with me like he did my fiance. But the Thursday before we had a really good nap together, he fell asleep under my chin. It wasn't anything new to be annoyed by him, and I know it didn't mean I didn't love him. I just can't remember, if I had this bad thought.... Because that Thursday and Friday I was trying to upload all my photos of him onto my computer, and I was looking through my oldest photos of him. And I can't help but feel like, when he was annoying me during my headache, that I thought, "Kitty can die already, I've got enough photos of him."
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It feels like everything was planned so it happed that day. It feels out of my control, but also like it was 100% preventable. My family tells me it wasn't my fault and to forgive myself, that he didn't die just because I yelled at him the day before, but why did it have to happen the way that it did? It feels like what happened wasn't an accident simply caused by a dog's nature, but instead was a situation I allowed because I was distracted, thinking of Kitty last. That if I showed my love to him more that last day, he never would've gotten hurt. "If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever."

The thing is I love Kitty with all my heart. I haven't been to work in 2 weeks since I lost him. We got rid of the dog that day, though I feel sorry for her too. I don't blame her, I blame my negligence and ignorance. I don't want the house anymore, I stopped eating. I'm trying to find religion through all of this, but I was always skeptical and it's hard. It's so hard to just accept as an accident. I had promised Kitty the dog was there to protect us. After I had slipped down the hill, I had bragged that I still held on the the leash, that I was a good strong dog and cat mom. Why couldn't I pull the dog off my cat? We live across the street from a vet, why was it still to late to save him?

Why didn't I just push Kitty from the food like my initial instinct? My fiance said because I lacked hindsight, the dog had never shown aggression, we couldn't have known. There was another cat sniffing the food too, why did the dog have to go for Kitty, the senior with no claws who couldn't defend himself? I was mom and I was supposed to defend him. I feel like I failed both of them, I lost 2 babies that day. I'm losing my mind out of guilt because I was responsible for them. I should've never gotten a dog, or such a big one. I can't accept his death because there's so many what-if's, there's so many things I could've changed and he would still be here.

I figured if anyone could be honest with me it would be other cat lovers like myself. It feels like I'm being coddled when I'm told it's not my fault and to forgive myself. I don't want to because Kitty deserved better. He deserved 20 years, he was going to love our new home so much, I was going to get him more cat towers, a catio, stairs for the bed, his own timed food bowl for his senior food. I was just talking that morning about paying off his paw plan and getting him on health insurance next year. He had so much life to live why couldn't I save him?

Just that Thursday, we had severe storm warning in our area. I was home alone with 7 cats (my sister had one) plus a dog. I was so terrified of tornadoes since we are staying in a mobile home--the house is going to have a basement because I didn't know how I'd get them all to a shelter in time. I prayed God to take care of my babies and I thanked him when there was no tornado. All I care about is my babies, and Kitty was above all. It's so hard to remember the almost 10 years I spent with him and not just his last 24 hours.

I've sent him for cremation yesterday and I pet him one last time. My mind just can't accept that he's gone. Why else was I there in that moment if I wasn't meant to save him? My only answer is I would be furious with my fiance if I didn't feel so guilty myself. He was the one who wanted the dog, maybe it has to be this way that I blame myself so he can help me through it. I just miss my baby, the world doesn't make sense now that he's gone. He was too precious to ever be in pain, that's why he was my baby angel Kitty. Can someone tell me how I'm supposed to feel? How do I stop feeling at fault? Should I? I'll never forgive myself for how things were supposed to be different.

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Some of my last photos of him. I have over 2 hours of footage of him to watch when I miss him but how do I accept that he's gone when I'm responsible for it.
 

Mamanyt1953

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Rest you gentle, Kitty, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on your mama's heart forever.

Oh, my Darlin. EVERYTHING you are feeling is so very normal, and so very horrible. No, this was not your fault. And I will tell you, as much as it may hurt, the damage was almost certainly done within seconds. There would have been NOTHING that you could have done. What you did next is what matters. You moved heaven and earth to try to get Kitty help, and were prepared to go to any lengths to do so. And you were with Kitty every moment that you could be. Could you have made some different choices along the way? We always could have, and had someone showed you a video of the might-have-beens, you would have. But none of us has that kind of foresight. None of us.

Kitty lived, breathed, and had his being in the sure knowledge that he was loved beyond measure. And that is more than anything on this earth. Now, from That Place Where All Things Are Known, he blesses you for that love, and he sends his own love, translated and purified into Love, back to walk with you down through all your days. There will be a reuniting for the two of you in the fullness of time. Until then, the ONLY thing you can do to cause him pain is to NOT forgive yourself, to NOT allow yourself to open your heart again. He taught you Love, and you must hold to that to honor him. That, and when your time of grieving is done, find joy.

My heart is with yours.
 
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keolvera

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Rest you gentle, Kitty, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on your mama's heart forever.

Oh, my Darlin. EVERYTHING you are feeling is so very normal, and so very horrible. No, this was not your fault. And I will tell you, as much as it may hurt, the damage was almost certainly done within seconds. There would have been NOTHING that you could have done. What you did next is what matters. You moved heaven and earth to try to get Kitty help, and were prepared to go to any lengths to do so. And you were with Kitty every moment that you could be. Could you have made some different choices along the way? We always could have, and had someone showed you a video of the might-have-beens, you would have. But none of us has that kind of foresight. None of us.

Kitty lived, breathed, and had his being in the sure knowledge that he was loved beyond measure. And that is more than anything on this earth. Now, from That Place Where All Things Are Known, he blesses you for that love, and he sends his own love, translated and purified into Love, back to walk with you down through all your days. There will be a reuniting for the two of you in the fullness of time. Until then, the ONLY thing you can do to cause him pain is to NOT forgive yourself, to NOT allow yourself to open your heart again. He taught you Love, and you must hold to that to honor him. That, and when your time of grieving is done, find joy.

My heart is with yours.
Thank you, I really appreciate your words . It's what my family's been telling me but I think I needed to hear it from someone who doesn't know me. It feels so wrong that he's gone and I want to be angry, but I'm trying to remind myself of the love we share and know that he's better off where he is and we'll be together again. My other cats and I have been grieving together and I'm trying to be strong but know I need more serious help for my mental setbacks. Until then, your kind words are truly helping me heal and put a smile on my face, thank you so much. :') He truly was my soulmate and I know I'll see him again.
 

Tik cat's mum

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I'm so sorry for your loss. Everything Mamanyt1953 Mamanyt1953 has said is true. Those feelings of what ifs, and guilt, anger. All go with grief even when there was nothing we could of done. You can't see into the future nobody can, and I wish I had the words like Mamanyt1953 Mamanyt1953 who put it so beautifully. You did what you could please don't blame yourself this was a terrible accident.
 

silent meowlook

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Ok, you want truth, and I will give it to you in my opinion, of course.
Everyone makes mistakes. Some small and some monumental. You learn from mistakes and become the person you are from them.
Grief is devastating and painful and as people, we are much more comfortable with anger for some reason. At least I am. So if you want to be angry instead of sad, subconscious of course, then you need to lay blame so you can have a target for your anger. The dog, the boyfriend, the vet, and when others are not the right target, because it isn’t their fault, you blame yourself. You feel sick to your stomach and deep shame, remorse etc. It is a horrible feeling. It stays with you and will destroy everything that makes you, you.
Humans always want to know why something happened and often there is no why. It just happened. Could it have been prevented? No answer to that. This isn’t something that is part of a master plan here. The truth is that very bad, gut wrenching things happen to very good animals for absolutely no reason at all. And, that, my friend, sucks. It is all so senseless and horrible and has no reason to it. It’s not fair and it’s not right. That is life and death at times and you need to come to grips with this in whatever way is healthy for you. All the self doubt and blame in the world won’t bring him back or let you go back in time.
sit with your grief a while. Cry until you can’t cry anymore and then go back to your changes life. You will feel horrible at first. But fake it. Pretend to be okay. Get through one day and night, then another. If you cry it’s okay. After a while you will learn to live and function with this grief, this new part of you. And you will be able to be happy and enjoy things again with this grief.Time doesn’t heal but you will learn to live with it.
You can only do your best in life. You are doing just that and it’s okay.
 
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keolvera

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I'm so sorry for your loss. Everything Mamanyt1953 Mamanyt1953 has said is true. Those feelings of what ifs, and guilt, anger. All go with grief even when there was nothing we could of done. You can't see into the future nobody can, and I wish I had the words like Mamanyt1953 Mamanyt1953 who put it so beautifully. You did what you could please don't blame yourself this was a terrible accident.
Thank you. It was terrible and it's been my last thought before I fall asleep and my first thought when I wake up. Writing this post felt like reliving it all over again, but their words and yours have helped me calm down. When I'm left by myself I can't stop thinking these thoughts, even with five other cats the house has been too quiet without Kitty. So I thought I'd come to this site for comfort and I'm so thankful for any words whatsoever :) it helps to not feel alone.
 
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keolvera

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Ok, you want truth, and I will give it to you in my opinion, of course.
Everyone makes mistakes. Some small and some monumental. You learn from mistakes and become the person you are from them.
Grief is devastating and painful and as people, we are much more comfortable with anger for some reason. At least I am. So if you want to be angry instead of sad, subconscious of course, then you need to lay blame so you can have a target for your anger. The dog, the boyfriend, the vet, and when others are not the right target, because it isn’t their fault, you blame yourself. You feel sick to your stomach and deep shame, remorse etc. It is a horrible feeling. It stays with you and will destroy everything that makes you, you.
Humans always want to know why something happened and often there is no why. It just happened. Could it have been prevented? No answer to that. This isn’t something that is part of a master plan here. The truth is that very bad, gut wrenching things happen to very good animals for absolutely no reason at all. And, that, my friend, sucks. It is all so senseless and horrible and has no reason to it. It’s not fair and it’s not right. That is life and death at times and you need to come to grips with this in whatever way is healthy for you. All the self doubt and blame in the world won’t bring him back or let you go back in time.
sit with your grief a while. Cry until you can’t cry anymore and then go back to your changes life. You will feel horrible at first. But fake it. Pretend to be okay. Get through one day and night, then another. If you cry it’s okay. After a while you will learn to live and function with this grief, this new part of you. And you will be able to be happy and enjoy things again with this grief.Time doesn’t heal but you will learn to live with it.
You can only do your best in life. You are doing just that and it’s okay.
Thank you for your opinion and your honesty. This is the worst mistake of my life, and the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But I agree that things happen not always for any reason, that these feelings won't go away and I have to accept it and learn to live with it. My family tells me Kitty has been chosen to help someone who needs him more, or that God needed him in Heaven, so I'm choosing to believe in that so I may see him again one day. Otherwise I would be angry and hateful to the world, and I don't want that for me. I can't help but blame myself, so in time I can only forgive myself before I'm able to move on with my life. I want to remember him and the 9 beautiful years we had together, and not let the accident that took his life decide for me how much I cared for him and love him. It's unfair what happened, and I hate that I played a part in it, but I can't let it make me doubt that I loved him and he loved me and if it were meant to be, he would've grown old with me like he deserved. Every day is a work in progress but I'm trying.
 

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Bless you and Kitty. There is never any solid answer to what happens when a beloved one passes. It is heart-wrenching and so very hard to comprehend. But, all that you have told us, tells me that Kitty had a very special person to take care of him, and you had a very special kitty to take care of you - sometimes that is all that matters in the long run.

Feeby (16+ yo) sometimes drives me crazy with all of her 'old age' antics, and sometimes I am not so patient. Thankfully, she forgives me (or, doesn't even realize what guilt I place on myself) - as I believe Kitty forgave you (or, also, didn't even realize what guilt you placed on yourself). Cats are amazing in how more much loving and forgiving than humans are. Their time with us is way too short, but so very rewarding - in both directions.
 

silent meowlook

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Thank you for your opinion and your honesty. This is the worst mistake of my life, and the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But I agree that things happen not always for any reason, that these feelings won't go away and I have to accept it and learn to live with it. My family tells me Kitty has been chosen to help someone who needs him more, or that God needed him in Heaven, so I'm choosing to believe in that so I may see him again one day. Otherwise I would be angry and hateful to the world, and I don't want that for me. I can't help but blame myself, so in time I can only forgive myself before I'm able to move on with my life. I want to remember him and the 9 beautiful years we had together, and not let the accident that took his life decide for me how much I cared for him and love him. It's unfair what happened, and I hate that I played a part in it, but I can't let it make me doubt that I loved him and he loved me and if it were meant to be, he would've grown old with me like he deserved. Every day is a work in progress but I'm trying.
I promise you there will be a time when you can remember him and you won’t think of the accident right away. Then one day you won’t think of it at all when remembering how much you loved him.
 

di and bob

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I know the pain you are feeling at this moment, the horrible thoughts, the what-ifs, and should-haves. I walked across the street to get the mail, not knowing my sweet little girl was running up behind me. She had been in the backyard in a spot of sun. A car came and I turned just in time to see it all......
The trauma of what happened will be with you forever. It is not something you will ever forget, it is something you learn to live with. I had nightmares, and every single waking second was spent with that terrible scene running through my head and all those thoughts of WHY DIDN"T I DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT? I spent a lot of years hating myself and everything else in this world. I let the grief consume me and run my life. I truly didn't know how to live any different. I lost all enjoyment in anything that I loved before, I went through the motions of living. Guilt was overshadowing everything. Then someone told me that accidents happen. They happen to good people and every second of every day. We cannot foresee the future, we cannot change the past, no matter how much we want to. Why? Because not one of us is perfect. You have to have intent to feel guilt. You and I had no intention of ANY kind of harm to our babies, our only intent was to love them and keep them with us for as long as we could. Instead of focusing on the hurt, and the pain, try to focus on what you shared with that sweet boy. There is a hole there now in our soul, but try to fill it with memories of good times, not with horrible memories of bad. I focused on the fact that my sweet girl loved life so much. She lived in the present, as all cats do, and we should try to do also, she would never want me to live the rest of my life in such pain, especially because of something that happened to her. Because if I was the first to go, I would want for her to go forward, to find happiness once more, to see the beauty in life. She would want no less, because that is love. I forced myself to appreciate the time we DID have, not the time that could have been, that was taken from us. Concentrate on what is good in your life right now, those remaining babies that are with you right now, let your fiance back into your heart, he is blameless. He had no intent either. Try not to dwell on those awful last moments. I know that is impossible right now, but they will not change anything and only bring pain. Time is the only thing that helps. Don't let the beauty in life, the love that is offered to you, be passed on by. The bond of love you have with that precious boy is spiritual, so eternal. It can never be taken from you. He will forever be as close as your thoughts and prayers. Let love back into your heart. Live each day as it comes, not in the past, not in the future. Do something that would make you feel good about yourself, like donating food and litter to your local shelter. And do it in your Kitty's name. We are here to tell you that it DOES get better. But it takes a long time, day by day, one day at a time.......
My thoughts and prayers are with you all, may God bless you for loving that sweet boy so much.....RIP dear Kitty. You will not be forgotten, you will always have a secure place in a loving herat. My the good Lord bless and keep you, until;l you meet again!
 
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  • #13

keolvera

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Bless you and Kitty. There is never any solid answer to what happens when a beloved one passes. It is heart-wrenching and so very hard to comprehend. But, all that you have told us, tells me that Kitty had a very special person to take care of him, and you had a very special kitty to take care of you - sometimes that is all that matters in the long run.

Feeby (16+ yo) sometimes drives me crazy with all of her 'old age' antics, and sometimes I am not so patient. Thankfully, she forgives me (or, doesn't even realize what guilt I place on myself) - as I believe Kitty forgave you (or, also, didn't even realize what guilt you placed on yourself). Cats are amazing in how more much loving and forgiving than humans are. Their time with us is way too short, but so very rewarding - in both directions.
Feeby is a very beautiful cat, she reminds me of one I had as a child. Kitty seemed to love the sound of his voice and lately was meowing so much he started to lose it. If you heard him through a phone call, you'd think he was a crying baby. So sometimes it got to be too much when I couldn't tell what he was crying for, and I will always regret that his last day on Earth I let it get to me.

However, earlier in that week before Kitty had passed, I do have a beautiful memory I can think fondly of. I was taking my break at work and my fiance had called me to say he couldn't sleep. I heard him on the phone tell Kitty, "No, Kitty, I gotta sleep, you'll talk too much!" and he closed the bedroom door on him. But I told him that was really mean, let my baby in! He opened the door but Kitty was already walking away, so my fiance put me on speaker and told me to call for him. I said, "Baby! Kitty! Come here!" And he heard me and ran to the room. I listened to his meows and purrs through the phone as my fiance pet him, and I told Kitty how much I love him. It's times like these that should really matter to me because I know it's all that mattered to Kitty, too. Thank you for your response, it helped remind me :)
 
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  • #14

keolvera

TCS Member
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Dec 3, 2015
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Olathe, Kansas
I know the pain you are feeling at this moment, the horrible thoughts, the what-ifs, and should-haves. I walked across the street to get the mail, not knowing my sweet little girl was running up behind me. She had been in the backyard in a spot of sun. A car came and I turned just in time to see it all......
The trauma of what happened will be with you forever. It is not something you will ever forget, it is something you learn to live with. I had nightmares, and every single waking second was spent with that terrible scene running through my head and all those thoughts of WHY DIDN"T I DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT? I spent a lot of years hating myself and everything else in this world. I let the grief consume me and run my life. I truly didn't know how to live any different. I lost all enjoyment in anything that I loved before, I went through the motions of living. Guilt was overshadowing everything. Then someone told me that accidents happen. They happen to good people and every second of every day. We cannot foresee the future, we cannot change the past, no matter how much we want to. Why? Because not one of us is perfect. You have to have intent to feel guilt. You and I had no intention of ANY kind of harm to our babies, our only intent was to love them and keep them with us for as long as we could. Instead of focusing on the hurt, and the pain, try to focus on what you shared with that sweet boy. There is a hole there now in our soul, but try to fill it with memories of good times, not with horrible memories of bad. I focused on the fact that my sweet girl loved life so much. She lived in the present, as all cats do, and we should try to do also, she would never want me to live the rest of my life in such pain, especially because of something that happened to her. Because if I was the first to go, I would want for her to go forward, to find happiness once more, to see the beauty in life. She would want no less, because that is love. I forced myself to appreciate the time we DID have, not the time that could have been, that was taken from us. Concentrate on what is good in your life right now, those remaining babies that are with you right now, let your fiance back into your heart, he is blameless. He had no intent either. Try not to dwell on those awful last moments. I know that is impossible right now, but they will not change anything and only bring pain. Time is the only thing that helps. Don't let the beauty in life, the love that is offered to you, be passed on by. The bond of love you have with that precious boy is spiritual, so eternal. It can never be taken from you. He will forever be as close as your thoughts and prayers. Let love back into your heart. Live each day as it comes, not in the past, not in the future. Do something that would make you feel good about yourself, like donating food and litter to your local shelter. And do it in your Kitty's name. We are here to tell you that it DOES get better. But it takes a long time, day by day, one day at a time.......
My thoughts and prayers are with you all, may God bless you for loving that sweet boy so much.....RIP dear Kitty. You will not be forgotten, you will always have a secure place in a loving herat. My the good Lord bless and keep you, until;l you meet again!
I'm so sorry for your loss...that is simply awful I'm so sorry that happened to you and your baby. The worst for me is the innocence of our babies, your cat was just trying to follow you out of love, and my cat was just curious about the dog's food. I wish more than anything I picked him up and hugged him and gave him his own food, but I couldn't predict what happened. It's the kind of thing I need to hear a thousand times so I really appreciate your words, and not only that, but that you have been where I am now and I'm not alone in how I feel but it's possible to get better. Thank you for sharing your story. Kitty will forever be a part of my identity and live in my heart until I see him again when my time comes. I know that he and your baby are in a better place where they feel no pain or regret, but only the love that we send them, and that they anticipate the day we are finally reunited for eternity.
 
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