My beloved Musiaka 2024-06-14

Musiaka

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My dearest, funniest, silliest kitty. My Musiaka Krabala Mukuti, you had so many nicknames that won’t make sense to our English speaking friends :) I fought so hard for you and you fought for me even harder. You carried on for as long as you could because you didn’t want to make me sad. I wonder if that intense look you gave that last morning was a call for help or you just tried to communicate that you can’t do it any longer. The battle was lost that day on the 14th of June. It was time for you to leave your cute little body that was failed you so many times and was no longer functioning as it should. The body that I failed to fix no matter how much I tried.

Musiaka, you were so special. I loved everything about, but these are the things that will always remain in my mind.

- You were such a nibbler! You silly goose :) Constant love bites! The very first thing you did when I met you was biting my leg while rubbing against it. You would bite everything - knees, elbows, toes! It didn’t hurt at all and it made me laugh and I would try and get you to bite me just for the giggles. You would purr while biting and it made such a funny sound. I’m so glad I have it on video and I can hear it anytime I want.

- You reeeaaally hated my phone! What a nonsense, humans stare at these stupid things instead of staring at Musiaka! You would bite the corner of it and you would full on jump and attack it from all angles. You didn’t attack me, just the phone so I could learn my lesson, but I never did, silly me!

- You were such a purr baby. Except for the last month… But I understand that you were tired, that’s totally ok! Other than that, looking at you was enough to make you purr. I would look you in the eyes and bam you were purring already and it was pretty loud! I dreamt of you purring last night. You also went to the litter box and the little poops were finally perfection according all the cat poop charts! I was so happy, but then I woke up.

- You stared at me constantly with your expressive almond shaped eyes! Your eyes were always so intense and my mom used to say that you just can’t stop looking at me like I’m the only thing in the world that mattered. And I would look back and slow blink. Then you’d make a little thrill and come to me. A lot of staring and thrilling and I have all of it on video as well. We can still stare at each other and I see your eyes in my dreams. I just wish I knew what your last intense eyes contact meant, that morning you were really really poorly. I try not to think about your eyes when you went to sleep forever but I will cherish every version of them, even when left empty.

- You were a perfect leash kitty from the very first time I put it on you! What the heck! It was as if you were a professional! We had so many great walks together and you met other kitties on them. Your favourite thing was to go downhills. But not uphills so I had to carry your majesty (while you were squirming to walk on your own). I would carry you forever if I could. I always thought your chubby butt looked so funny walking downhills, a bit wonky and clumsy. You were the funniest. Sometimes you would forget that I’m actually walking with you and were suddenly surprised to see me! You would look up at me as if saying “Oh. You’re here. That’s fine I guess”. But other time you would get a bit feral :)) and you hated that I’m bossing you around and not letting you walk into the bushes. You attacked my legs several times, you little rascal! But it never hurt and it would make me laugh even harder. You’d growl when picked up outside as well. So ferocious!

- Talking about ferocious, I will never forget how you fought a fox. Jeez… That scared me. It was when we lived in that little house with no traffic around and you had access to free roaming, without a leash. I heard that some fighting were going on and thought you and your frenemie Sam had a conflict again. But nope, it was a fox. I scared it away and you came down the cliff as proud as ever, with no injuries. That was the last time you went outside on your own though 😅

- Your never ending appetite! It made me happy. I thought if you’re hungry you’re feeling good and kept on feeding you whatever you thought was the tastiest. I’m sorry. I tried to switch your food multiples times but I would always caved. I know I should have been a better parent. It was so hard to resist your chomp chomps whenever you’d get your Purina. At least you got whatever you wanted as many times as you wanted. But I would do differently if we could start it over. Hope you can forgive me.

I could write forever. There are so many things I think about. Most of all I wonder how old you were. We spent 8,5 years together but you looked like a proper adult when we met. I hope you were a bit older and your life was long enough. You deserved a hundred years. But healthy ones. You’ll live through me for as many years as I’m meant to live on this Earth.
I decided to not think of this as goodbye. It’s never a goodbye, it can’t be. Sorry I made your fur a bit wet with my tears and sorry I said goodbye that day, I didn’t mean it like that. I was just saying goodbye to your little body and your wonderful eyes. Not to your essence. Not to Musiaka. I will continue calling out all of your names and nicknames cause I don’t want to forget how it feels to say them.
And sometimes you will answer.
 

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rubysmama

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What a beautifully written tribute for your gorgeous black panther. Your love for Musiaka shone through every word, and by the time I got to the end my face was streaked with tears. I'm sorry you didn't get more time with him, but no matter how long we get, it's never enough. RIP dear Musiaka. :angel:
 
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Musiaka

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What a beautifully written tribute for your gorgeous black panther. Your love for Musiaka shone through every word, and by the time I got to the end my face was streaked with tears. I'm sorry you didn't get more time with him, but no matter how long we get, it's never enough. RIP dear Musiaka. :angel:
Thank you for reading about Musiaka 🥹
 

DeesCats

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I am so sorry for your loss of Musiaka, please accept my condolences.

Such a beautiful tribute to a beautiful cat. I loved hearing of your outdoor adventures, his endearing habits of nibbling on you and trilling to be loved by you and so thankful the encounter with the fox ended well for him. He was well loved by you and will always be in your memory.
 

fionasmom

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Thank you so much for taking the time to write that wonderful story about Musiaka's life. He lived the best life with you and must have thought that he was the luckiest cat in the world to have found you.
I know I should have been a better parent.
There is no way that you could have added anything to the excellent care that you gave Musiaka.
And sometimes you will answer.
Yes, he will.
 
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Musiaka

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Thank you so much for taking the time to write that wonderful story about Musiaka's life. He lived the best life with you and must have thought that he was the luckiest cat in the world to have found you.

There is no way that you could have added anything to the excellent care that you gave Musiaka.

Yes, he will.
Thank you Fionasmom, this means a lot of. I want to believe that I have done right by him. I truly do. So much of my unconditional love and effort and anxiety went into him. If only it was enough…
 

Mamanyt1953

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Rest you gentle, Musiaka, dream you deep. Your purr echoes in someone's heart forever.

What a stunningly beautiful boy he was, is and always will be. Gone too soon, but where there is love, an eternity is not long enough, This I know, you will meet face-to-face again, and when you do, you will have that eternity. But now, from his home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, Musiaka blesses you, he knows how hard you fought for him, and he sends his love, translated and purified into Love, back to walk beside you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always and forever, Love abides.
 
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Musiaka

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Rest you gentle, Musiaka, dream you deep. Your purr echoes in someone's heart forever.

What a stunningly beautiful boy he was, is and always will be. Gone too soon, but where there is love, an eternity is not long enough, This I know, you will meet face-to-face again, and when you do, you will have that eternity. But now, from his home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, Musiaka blesses you, he knows how hard you fought for him, and he sends his love, translated and purified into Love, back to walk beside you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always and forever, Love abides.
Thank you for your beautiful words, it warms my heart ❤
 

kurocatlady

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It sounds like Musiaka has had such a wonderful and fulfilling life. I'm sure you did absolutely right by him even if you didn't think so. No matter what happens, we always have so many what-ifs. But I'm sure Musiaka appreciates the life you gave him. You're right, it is never goodbye, he lives on in your heart and your thoughts.
 

di and bob

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My heart breaks for your loss, all of us here know the great pain of losing someone we love so very much. we are also here to let you know it does get easier to bear in the coming years, time has a way of softening the sharp edges. Eventually grief turns into gratitude for having them share our life's journey for a while.
i think that last intense stare was Musiaka's way of commiting your own eyes and face to memory. For the long trip he must undertake, enough for your own lifetime to play through, until your glorious reunion. For him it will be the blink of an eye, for you, unending. But the bond of love, and the wonderful memories that accompany it, will be holding you two together for eternity. Love is spiritual, so forever. though his frail body failed him, his love is infinitely strong.
He would like nothing better than for you to go forward into the future and live it as you would want for him to go on if you were the first to go. Not in perpetual grief and tears but seeking life's beauty and even more love to reside right beside his in your heart. how do I know this? Because that is the perfect description of love, wanting always the best for those we hold dear, even above our own wants and desires. And he wants no less.
Please know I will hold you both in my thoughts and prayers, and zi know he is already doing so......RIP precious Musiaka. You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure spot in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!
 
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Musiaka

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My heart breaks for your loss, all of us here know the great pain of losing someone we love so very much. we are also here to let you know it does get easier to bear in the coming years, time has a way of softening the sharp edges. Eventually grief turns into gratitude for having them share our life's journey for a while.
i think that last intense stare was Musiaka's way of commiting your own eyes and face to memory. For the long trip he must undertake, enough for your own lifetime to play through, until your glorious reunion. For him it will be the blink of an eye, for you, unending. But the bond of love, and the wonderful memories that accompany it, will be holding you two together for eternity. Love is spiritual, so forever. though his frail body failed him, his love is infinitely strong.
He would like nothing better than for you to go forward into the future and live it as you would want for him to go on if you were the first to go. Not in perpetual grief and tears but seeking life's beauty and even more love to reside right beside his in your heart. how do I know this? Because that is the perfect description of love, wanting always the best for those we hold dear, even above our own wants and desires. And he wants no less.
Please know I will hold you both in my thoughts and prayers, and zi know he is already doing so......RIP precious Musiaka. You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure spot in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!
That was so beautiful, thank you so much for your comforting words ❤🐈⬛
 
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Musiaka

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I started volunteering at a local cat shelter as a tribute to my dearest Musiaka. It’s both healing and heartbreaking at the same time. I met another black kitty, very much like Musiaka, who has so much love to give and yet he is sick and declining fast due to his diabetes and chronic anemia which doesn’t seem to respond to the treatment. He’s going to the vet tomorrow and might not return if his test results have gotten worse. They want him to not know pain and suffering and end it before he’s gotten worse, if the vet says that’s the best thing to do. Which made me think that I was very wrong for wondering if I let Musiaka go too early. The question probably should have been if I let Musiaka go too late. Musiaka was in a much worse shape than the kitty, Ozzy, who might not return tomorrow. I’m so sorry my baby. I should have let you rest earlier. I held on to you and was probably a bit delusional about your state. Please forgive me.

A lot of cats at the shelter get sick or already come in with chronical illnesses. Even the ones that stay at their cat hotel (they also offer this as a service and as means to provide for the shelter). Maybe it wasn’t solely my fault that Musiaka developed all these illnesses even though I clearly made some wrong choices throughout the years. Maybe it’s just that cat lifespans has gotten longer recently which also leaves more space for illnesses to develop.

I might adopt from the shelter at some point. But nobody’s gonna take Musiaka’s place in my heart. The new kitty will get a place of their own in there.
 

fionasmom

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It is wonderful that you are volunteering at the cat shelter. Any cat who is given to your care on any level will know that someone cares about him.
Maybe it’s just that cat lifespans has gotten longer recently which also leaves more space for illnesses to develop.
This is true for pets and humans. Any any creatures lives longer, there will be more chances for a disease to develop. Plus, we have so many ways to cure illnesses or conditions that someone might contract along the way, including serious ones, that everyone is living longer statistically.

Try not to compare these cats to Musiaka in terms of their illnesses. While this sounds like a lovely place, sometimes shelters cannot continue to treat cats or dogs with ongoing serious conditions in the same way that an owner would.

Maybe it wasn’t solely my fault that Musiaka developed all these illnesses
Nothing was your fault and you gave Musiaka incredible care and you even came here and documented years of it which shows how hard you were trying.
 
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Musiaka

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Thank you all who wrote ❤ it’s comforting to hear these things. But I would like to also list things that I regret and feel extremely guilty about. To get them off my chest a bit.
Things I hope Musiaka can forgive me for…

- My biggest regret is not going through with a gallbladder removal surgery when it was first suggested around 3 years ago. It wasn’t a money question, I was just too scared. I thought - how will he recover after something so invasive with his constant vomiting flare ups? Also, how will I get him to eat lowfat food and what if he simply refuses? A big part of it was the surgeon saying that it’s uncommon to remove it for cats and it’s mainly dogs that get this done. I was too much of a coward and chose the easier option.

- Another big one is letting him eat whatever he found the tastiest. I got him off dry food but let him eat Purina for years. I didn’t check the fat content on his Purina Pro Plan wet food either and thought I’m doing so well buying him something more high end. I never put consistent effort into changing his diet. If he refused even for a little while, I immediately caved and let him go back to what he liked and ate without fussing.

- I moved countries with Musiaka during a bad period for him. He was not exactly flared up during our trip but he was on a weird decline since the early spring. The trip went so well, I was super prepared and it was as smooth as it could be. But he was still stressed out, breathing rapidly on the plane and it took such a long time and several different transportation means to get home. He acclimatised immediately and the first few days were great, no gastrointestinal issues at all, but then all hell broke loose. I think it might be the stress of the trip that did it for him. Also I couldn’t get him the exact same level care he would get back in our home country during bad flare ups. They were much more questioning here, not willing to just prescribe things to try them out and many things got dragged out due to the vet wanting to have a complete journal translated into English. But also things that helped before stopped working and I was so lost. I tried this and that and called his old vet for instructions but Musiaka kept on getting worse. It felt unstoppable.

I just want a redo. I want to wake up one morning and discover that I went back in time and can do it all over again and save him. But it’s impossible
 
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