My beautiful boy is gone

[meelasmom]

Thank you. You expressed your words perfectly and today it was exactly what I needed to hear. This has been such a heartbreaking and very painful journey. It just isn't fair any way you look at it. Not to us or our babies.

 

[Aliciacat7]

So sorry for your loss <3 I just lost my sweet Sidney (in the photo with me). The shelter said he was younger than he was. We had him for 5 wonderful short years. This cat was our everything. I have also felt guilt for putting him down and regrets, I wish I had another day with him. I was crying so much I could not even drive. I missed a day of work and also class (I am working on my Master's). So hard because Sidney was always next to me while I studied and wrote. I graduated with honors and I owe my success to him.

I don't know what to say, except that the grief comes in waves. I cannot feel guilty any longer, I put him to sleep before he became too ill, I could not handle his sickness or pain. I watched him digress the past two weeks, it was too much for me then he was bleeding, etc...so I had to take him to the vet and she said for me to get another kitty. We just came home with two sweet 8 month year old brothers today. I still miss and mourn my Sidney, but the emptiness is gone....I hope in a few weeks that it gets less painful.

Sending you blessings, and we are doing the right thing when we helped them cross to the other side. I debate whether I should have let him live longer....but it was his time and meant to be. i cannot continue to second guess myself because itll drive me crazy. I am a mental health therapist and there are no clear cut answers or time when it comes to putting down a loved animal....we do our best and our kitties know this. Such sweet souls, take care.

 

[forcryinoutloud]

M meelasmom It really isn't fair. I feel blessed to have had Daniel for the length of time that I did, some people lose their babies much younger, but I know that no amount of time ever would have felt like enough. I would have wanted him, as I do my remaining four, with me until I am old and grey and on the way out myself. I know that is not physically possible, or realistic, but it doesn't change the wish that I could have had him forever.

---

Aliciacat7 I'm sorry for you loss When my first cat had to be put to sleep at almost 21 I swore I would never get another cat, because the pain of losing her was so awful. My parents surprised me with Jack and Daniel, two adorable sweet baby brothers whose mother sadly must have been grabbed by a coyote. They were too young to be away from her and I had to feed them every couple of hours for two weeks, with a syringe. They brought SUCH joy to my life after losing my first cat, and I feel very thankful for that. I still have Jack, who I am desperately worried about since losing Daniel, as well as three others - Furgus, Scooter and Purrsnickitty. They really are helping me through my grief over losing Daniel, but I am sick with worry that one or more of them are also ill and I just don't know it.

It's a bitter sweet relationship, loving a pet. On the one hand, I would never trade the years of love and happiness that I had with my first cat, or Daniel, but I can't help but feel once again, that I would not get another cat. I am heartbroken over Daniel's loss, and dreading the day I lose my remaining furbabies (hopefully many many years from now), and the grief is so hard right now that I don't know if I could willingly put myself through it again. I have to go through it four more times at some point, and I am only barely getting through the loss of Daniel right now.

I am glad that you were able to get two more furbabies - because I know how Jack and Daniel helped that grief feel less oppressive and all consuming for me. I hope your new furbabies do the same for you for many years to come.

 

[meelasmom]

We all have a lot of wishes don't we? If only...just know I am thinking about you. I hope your pain eases, as well as mine.

 

[Mia6]

The statue is adorable. I would like to get one for my Lily-Butch's grave as he was buried near
my deck and I can view his grave.

Daniel was so beautiful! What a face!!

Hugs,

Mia









1

 

[Aliciacat7]

M meelasmom It really isn't fair. I feel blessed to have had Daniel for the length of time that I did, some people lose their babies much younger, but I know that no amount of time ever would have felt like enough. I would have wanted him, as I do my remaining four, with me until I am old and grey and on the way out myself. I know that is not physically possible, or realistic, but it doesn't change the wish that I could have had him forever.

---

Aliciacat7 I'm sorry for you loss When my first cat had to be put to sleep at almost 21 I swore I would never get another cat, because the pain of losing her was so awful. My parents surprised me with Jack and Daniel, two adorable sweet baby brothers whose mother sadly must have been grabbed by a coyote. They were too young to be away from her and I had to feed them every couple of hours for two weeks, with a syringe. They brought SUCH joy to my life after losing my first cat, and I feel very thankful for that. I still have Jack, who I am desperately worried about since losing Daniel, as well as three others - Furgus, Scooter and Purrsnickitty. They really are helping me through my grief over losing Daniel, but I am sick with worry that one or more of them are also ill and I just don't know it.

It's a bitter sweet relationship, loving a pet. On the one hand, I would never trade the years of love and happiness that I had with my first cat, or Daniel, but I can't help but feel once again, that I would not get another cat. I am heartbroken over Daniel's loss, and dreading the day I lose my remaining furbabies (hopefully many many years from now), and the grief is so hard right now that I don't know if I could willingly put myself through it again. I have to go through it four more times at some point, and I am only barely getting through the loss of Daniel right now.

I am glad that you were able to get two more furbabies - because I know how Jack and Daniel helped that grief feel less oppressive and all consuming for me. I hope your new furbabies do the same for you for many years to come.

 

[Aliciacat7]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry for your loss, too. Today is the 1st day that I have not cried all day, thanks to the two new rambunctious 8 month old kitten brothers who are keeping me on my toes! nonetheless, I feel a sense of depression and sadness that I have never felt. I do not feel like many can relate. Only one of my close friends has checked in on me everyday. I do not feel social, I just want to go to work and be at home with the new kitties.

I looked back at photos of my Sidney and realized now that he must have been sick for awhile. I wish I had recognized it sooner. He hid it so well. I knew he was getting older, but not that old yet....I enjoyed the last year with him and we lived in a spacious house, almost his dream..in a place where sunshine was abundant. I feel as though I killed him because I took him away from his favorite puppy friend and the sunny home back to a damp rainy area....the day after he passed, it was sunny out. I wish he held on for another day.

I am focusing on a new job I found out I will be hired at and the new kitties. These are the only things keeping me going. My heart hurts so much. I have the new kitties, new job, but I'd do anything to have another day with my precious Sidney. I have never known this kind of pain, almost worst than when my husband passed away 12 years ago. My furry friend was next to me all throughout my Bachelor's degree, and helped me to raise my son who is devastated, but will not show it. Sid was our baby. He would hug you like a little bear. I hope and pray these kitties, at least one will bond with us

I am taking it one day at a time. I feel like now I wished I had an older cat, these two cats are a bit much, but one of the kitties comes and lays on my chest, Sidney never did that and it is pretty sweet. Bless all of you. Be well, this is a lot for me and I will be doing self-care, exercising and hoping to snap out of this...take care

 

[meelasmom]

I am glad you are a little better Aliciacat7. I understand all too well what you are going through. I don't believe I have made it through one day since I lost Meela without crying. Maybe I am not falling to my feet and sobbing, but I still do cry over her.

I hope your new babies help you. My secret wish is for Meela's mom and dad to have another litter of babies. I miss her so much and my heart is still shattered.

Best of luck to you in recovering from your devastating loss.

 

[forcryinoutloud]

This past weekend was tough. I've been trying not to cry where anyone sees me, because I know that they don't understand and would wonder why I am still crying 18 days later. I've started to notice that I'm getting bouts of anxiety, where my heart palpitates rapidly. It only happens when I start thinking about Daniel again, when I start worrying about Jack and my other furbabies. According to what I've read online, anxiety can be a part of grieving a pet - something I didn't really know. I was depressed when my first cat died, without a doubt, but there was no anxiety. I think the anxiety stems from the worry over my four remaining furbabies, and the knowledge that they too will eventually pass. It's such a horrifying thought. I am worried the anxiety will just get worse, instead of better because of that knowledge.

Today I got the solar lights for the tree Daniel is buried under, and the little garden stone. It's too cold to put them out (we had snow yesterday), so for now, they're in the house. I am happy I got them, but also feeling depressed by them, as now that everything is here for outside, it's just a matter of waiting for the warm weather to come before putting it all out. I haven't looked at the tree since Daniel was taken outside and buried. I couldn't go out when that was happening, I just stayed in the house and bawled my eyes out. When I put everything outside, it will be the first time I really look at the tree at all since my first cat was buried there - 13 years ago. I see the tree every day, but don't let myself think too hard about what it represents.

The grief feels all consuming at times, but I expected grief. I've given myself permission to grieve, no matter how long a process that turns out to be. The anxiety though is new and unexpected, and worrying. I know it's not actually anything to do with my heart as I got a clean bill of health in that regard within the last few months, and it really only seems to happen now when I get hit by a wave of grief over losing Daniel. In the first week or so after his death, it was just the sadness, depression, grief but the last several days...

I worry that it might reach the point where medical intervention might be necessary, and then I worry about how that conversation would go with my doctor - I'm depressed and full of anxiety after having lost one of my beautiful cats. It's true, but I feel like people would look at me like I was crazy if I actually needed to seek out anxiety medication after losing Daniel. Which is ridiculous, because I honestly could not possibly care less what people think of me, but I guess it's more that I feel like I should worry about that, if that makes sense.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy literally since Daniel died.

 

[meelasmom]

I can COMPLETELY relate to what you are going through. That's why I cry secretly. When my kids catch me, they say, "It's ok mom, you did the best you could." DID I?

I am scared to get any of my cats fixed now. I am just paranoid something is going to happen to one of them. I canNOT handle another death.

I, too, have thought about going to the doctor..but your fear is mine. Will they think I am crazy...I mean a majority of the world would say, "Are you kidding, it's just a cat." NO IT'S NOT.

I have 3 solar lights around Meela's grave. I didn't want her to be in the dark. I have spend an hour on ebay looking at memorial plaques and THAT made me cry. I thought I was doing better until I got back to work today.

I feel like I am completely broken and at this moment, unfixable. I feel for you and really do understand. I have never felt this way before. But I have never really had to put a cat down before. I still question, and always will, if I needed to even do it. I am not convinced. Maybe in time I will realize it was the right thing to do, but as of today...NOPE.

Honey, you are not alone. Sometimes I scare myself thinking about how I feel. It really hurts so very much.

 

[forcryinoutloud]

I think that is the biggest part of my anxiety - that I really couldn't handle another death of one of my cats. And no, you're right, it's not "just a cat". Only people that have loved their pets so deeply really understand what it is like to lose one, to feel like a part of you has been lost along with your beloved animal.

That's it exactly, I think. I feel broken and unfixable, and I don't honestly know what to do, because I've never felt like this before. As I said, when I lost my first cat I was depressed and heartbroken, but it felt different than this does. Maybe because she was almost 21, maybe because I couldn't bring myself to take her to the vet and let my parents do it when she was put to sleep - I was so ANGRY because they were the ones that were making me do it. The vets said she was very old, and very sick - and I know now that that is true, she was. She was rail thin, was going to the bathroom outside the litter box, she had balance issues - she was as frail as someone in their late 90s. I do know now that putting her to sleep was a necessary decision, but it hadn't been mine. With Daniel, I had come to the decision that it was necessary, though completely unfair because it had only been a week since he had been diagnosed and I wasn't ready to let him go - but I never got the chance to actually have him put to sleep, he died in my arms, gasping and the whole process was so horrifying and scarring that I think a part of me really did break that day. One minute I feel okay, like making myself play with my other furbabies, because I don't want them to feel neglected, the next I'm desperately trying to stop myself from sobbing, letting people in the house know I am crying.

Even almost 20 days later I still think I'm going to walk down the hall and hear him coming galloping down it to greet me, to meow at me to pick him up and carry him around like a baby. It hurts all the more when I hear his brother Jack going around the house meowing pitifully and I know, looking for Daniel. I don't know if he understands what happened - he was really scared to be around Daniel when he was sick and after he passed, though I made sure to let him smell Daniel after he was gone (made sure they all did) so that they would know he was gone in whatever capacity they had to do so but Jack still goes around the house, cries randomly, especially when the house is quiet and it definitely feels like he's looking for him.

Then sometimes I wonder, are they sensing MY grief and reacting to that? Am I making THEM react the way they are? Which makes me feel guilty too, because I don't want to be the reason Jack is over grooming himself, or crying all over the house. Then I think, is that crazy? Am I just projecting everything I'm feeling on them, are they actually behaving exactly like they always have but because I miss Daniel so much, am I seeing changes in their behavior because I want to believe they miss him too?

Good days and bad days and crazy days, it's starting to feel like.

 

[meelasmom]

I know. I understand. With Meela, it went from the infection to prednison to ME ASKING for help, not THEM hospitalizing her. They only mentioned FIP a couple times. It was a fast-paced situation. I still don't know if it was and really don't believe she didn't have more time. There was no rush on what happened. I WISH they had talked me out of it and told me to just think about it over night. That's how they should do their jobs! I did not go there with that intention at all.

Oh that makes my eyes well up with tears when you talk about Jack. I'm so sorry for him and you.

My cats definitely act like they know something was up. They ALL get on my bed with me and follow me around when I am walking about. I really feel like they are trying to be there for me. It's hard because they aren't her. Bottom line. I love them, but she is the one missing from the group. They all loved her. Her brothers took care of her, too.

Bandit actually looks into my eyes when I am sad, which feels like most of the time. Meeka, her dad, was licking the tears off my face the other night. He had one paw on my shoulder and one on my cheek. I know they know. I feel kind of guilty that I feel the way I do.

I don't want to feel this way and I really am stuck and don't know how to move forward. There is a new poster - Lisa. My heart absolutely breaks for her because she feels exactly how I do about making that grave mistake of putting them down when there were other options and no one would help her. I want to help her, by listening, if nothing else. But her story really got to me. She wrote EXACTLY how I have been feeling, the pain and all. So it came back to the surface again. Her regret and anger I could feel in her words and I know that feeling because that is also me.

I think that reared up some of my emotions I have been suppressing. I thought that was best so that I don't turn into a puddle of tears, but they come out anyway.

I am sure your other cats miss Daniel. Mine miss Meela. They are very smart animals. I don't consider them pets or animals, they are babies. They are part of my family. I nurture, feed and love them like I did and do my own children.

You will have good and bad days. The bad may override the good right now, but I do believe we will get through this. I am here if you want to talk. I might not be much help, but I REALLY do understand. I feel alone and empty. Even though I have my family and my other cats, I have never felt this way before.

Maybe counseling is a way to go. If I didn't have this group of people who have experienced this type of loss and people I could talk to about how I feel, I really think I would have lost it worse than I have by now.

There are moments that I don't know if I will really survive her loss. It's not just that I miss her so much, it's because I feel like I failed her. I feel like I was a sheep being led by the doctors. Had someone just sat me down and discussed everything. Had I just MADE them do that without her there, I would have had time and possibly some closure that I was doing the right thing. I didn't and I have to live with what I did and that decision I really, really regret. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder, "how could you take her life away from her?"

You are not alone and you aren't feeling anything that I am not feeling right now. And no, you are not crazy!