My Beamer

LisaT.

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The anniversary of my Beamer's death came and went on 1/11/20. It's been 2 years. I still cannot write about him, about his life, and what he meant to me. What is wrong with me??
Thinking about him makes me cry immediately and I miss him beyond words. He didn't want to die. He wasn't ready and fought so, so hard with the vet. I'll never forgive myself about scheduling his death because he simply wasn't ready to go. Nothing about it was peaceful.
 

Tik cat's mum

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There's nothing wrong with you you grieve as long as it takes. Please try to remember the good thing's about Beamer. Forgive yourself when you made your choice like me it was made with love sometimes thing's don't go how they are meant to nobody especially Beamer blames you.:alright:
 

les26

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There is nothing wrong with you, it is so hard to have to "play God" and make these decisions, but I'm sure that you did the best that you could with what you had to deal with at the time.

I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, remember he is fine now just fine, and when you meet again it will be wonderful, God Bless..... :alright: :grouphug2::rbheart:
 

di and bob

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No living thing wants to die. Each and every one will fight against it at the end. Even when living becomes unbearable......
Please keep in mind that if you would have not taken him to the vet, you watching him die a slow agonizing death would have you feeling the same emotions you are now. Guilt and second thoughts are always a part of grieving. Even in a 'perfect' life and situation.
Don't go there. I know how hard this is because I have lived with the same emotions myself. I have also found that no amount of beating yourself up over the past is going to change a thing. No amount of bartering with God, no amount of wanting to go back and change everything, no amount of tears and heartache. No one is perfect. None of us make perfect decisions every time. And we pay dearly for the ones we make that are wrong.
Beamer forgives you for anything you think you might have done wrong. The love you shared between you makes that so. The hard part is forgiving yourself. Because you had such a horrible experience, didn't Beamer return and tell you with that meow that he was OK? That he was near? It was a sign that was bestowd upon you, meant to bring comfort, to tell you he was alright, that he loved you. Because like you, if you were the first one to go, all he wants for the one left behind is for you to go through life with happiness and to carry his love forward and let it find sunshine and joy in living, not be kept in the darkness of grief. He lives on through you you, through your good memories, carried on by the bond of love that is spiritual, so eternal. "Death cannot take that which never dies". Beamer is at peace. To be remembered and loved after death is the greatest honor that can be given to anyone. And he is that.
So when these dark moments take hold, when the sadness overwhelms you and takes over your life, push them to back to the place where they came from. Replace them with what is going on in your life at the moment. Replace them with the love you have for your loved ones who are with you now, because that is life. The present is meant to make new memories, and it is up to you on wherther they are full of sadness or happiness. The past is always yours, it will always be there when you need it. Don't let grief take over your future too. There will be regrets there too, if you let it.
Bless you for your grief, it is a testamont to how deep you loved. Now count the blessings you have right now, and include knowing and loving that boy because he gave you one of the greatest gifts of all, his love.......
Time is the only thing that helps, it takes a long time to heal a broken heart. You are broken but not destroyed. The healing WILL happen in time, one day at a time.......
 
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LisaT.

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Thank you so much, Everyone, for your replies. You're right, Di. He did meow to let me know he was alright. I keep forgetting that because
I haven't been able to get the final moments of his life out of my mind. From here on out, I will choose to immediately think of his funny ways,
his sweet soul, the way he greeted me and talked to me so animatedly, and the tremendous love we shared whenever I begin to think about
his passing. And, I will pass along the love I had, and still have for Beamer, to my precious babies that I have now, Windy and Theo.
Me and Boo.JPG Windy and Theo.JPG
 

Mamanyt1953

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This is something I know to the depths of my being...Where Beamer is now, in That Place Where All is Known, he understands that you made the decision that you did because you truly felt it was the best thing for him, and he knows, also, that you were right to do as you did, and he blesses your for it. Don't forget...love never dies, it only changes form and continues on, still Love. Beamer's love for you, now translated and purified into LOVE, he sends back to you, and it will be with you always. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.
 

Maria Bayote

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I still cannot write about him, about his life, and what he meant to me. What is wrong with me??
You are still grieving, and it is normal. It will take time.
I hope you find peace and comfort with all the memories you have shared with Beamer. He knows you loved him, and still do. And he carries your love in his heart until eternity.
 

di and bob

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It's easy to say don't dwell on a death, until YOU are there. It is almost impossible not too, it takes a lot of work and purposely keeping busy and not allowing your mind to go there. I have been through so many because I am older. It never gets easier, you just learn ways on how to cope with it. I would go completley crazy (not a long drive) if I let thoughts of death take over my life, and how much i miss each and every one of them, and wish things could have been different.......
 
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